Sorry. When I read your post initially it just sounded very similar, almost like the same poster under a different name. I realize now that is not the case. I sincerely apologize.
I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to say here. Why do you think it seems selfish?
Birth control is not infallible. Plenty of people who use birth control get pregnant when they don’t want to be. There are plenty of “unwanted” children who are the result of failed birth control.
If one knows one doesn’t want children, but still has relations with out using all available precautions (yes, birth control, including sterilization if necessary) it seems they aren’t really taking into consideration the suffering another human being lives when they know they weren’t wanted. Kids pick up on these things, rather easily. They know.
I’m just coming from the perspective that anyone who marries in the Church must understand and accept the fact that God designed marriage to create new life and that in order to validly marry in the Church, they must be willing and prepared to accept any and all children that come from their union. That doesn’t mean they can’t plan their pregnancies and limit their family size with NFP, but anytime a pregnancy occurs — planned or not — they must accept and love the child. The OP seems to understand this and is willing to put aside her desire to remain childless to do right by God and her future husband. That right there is unselfish.
If she didn’t have any consideration for that, I don’t think she would have started this thread.
I guess my concern is that you don’t just “agree to love”. I realize many say love isn’t an emotion, it is a choice. I disagree. Love is far more than a choice. Once you love, you then choose how your love manifests itself. I have known children who weren’t wanted, and I knew their parents who were good people. They cared for their children to the best of their ability. The core emotion of love was missing, though. Yes, they willed the best for their children, but it was hollow. There was no connection. You can’t fake it. Kids know. And it is devastating, typically. That is my concern with this topic.
I understand your concerns, but I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as “if you don’t want children, get yourself sterilized (or whatever method you use to close the door to procreating) or else you’re being selfish.” Not all planned/wanted children end up being totally loved and not all unplanned/initially unwanted children end up being unloved. I’m a totally wanted, totally planned child. My parents had fertility issues and went out of their way to get treatments because they desperately wanted a baby. They undoubtedly loved me emotionally, but they had an image of the perfect child in their head, and anytime I deviated from their rigid expectations, they withdrew affection. It was absolutely devastating. If I wasn’t cheerful enough, didn’t get good enough grades, didn’t like or enjoy the same things they did, or if I had pretty much any opinion or desire or behavior that conflicted with the ideal image of how they wanted me to be, their attitude toward me turned to ice. Anytime I was exhibiting the exact behavior they wanted I felt accepted and loved. But the moment I wasn’t happy enough or excited enough or if I made any mistake at all, they projected the attitude that they no longer loved me. At least once or twice, they pretty much explicitly said they regretted having me and that I was making their lives miserable. It took years of therapy for me to realize that all the things they reacted to in this manner were normal developments for a child, and that some were not even misbehaviors at all—just me being me—and that I hadn’t deserved this treatment from my parents. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD. I’ve contemplated suicide plenty of times. Sometimes I wish my parents hadn’t tried so hard to have me. Some people shouldn’t be parents…and I believe my parents are two of those people. But when all is said and done, I’m glad I exist, and I’d rather exist than not. I have other people in my life who made me feel consistently loved and valued, and I do acknowledge that I have talents I can share with others and make a difference in the world. Despite all my hardships, I’m thankful I’m alive.
She’s come a long way on the subject since then.
I guess this is key. Many don’t feel the way you do, even if they come from similar circumstances. Perhaps I am low-risk person. I always try to err on the side of caution.
My point was more so that you don’t know how things are going to turn out. People who planned/want their children can end up not loving them, and people who wanted nothing to do with having children can end up viewing their unplanned children as the greatest thing that ever happened to them. There’s no way to know for sure until it happens.Psalm30:
I guess this is key. Many don’t feel the way you do, even if they come from similar circumstances. Perhaps I am low-risk person. I always try to err on the side of caution.
My main point is that people like the OP are not automatically being selfish.