I don't want sex

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Maine52

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In a nutshell, I have little to no desire for sex for the following reasons:

1.) I do not climax most of the time.

2.) It is usually uncomfortable for me. Not painful per se, just not comfortable. Not comfortable and, as I mentioned before, not pleasurable.

3.) I know my husband is not taking advantage of me, but when he is getting the “full experience” and I am not, well, it’s just not a great feeling.

I know sex is part of marriage, and so I am willing to do it to make my husband happy. However, I am happy for the times of abstinence during NFP. My “fertile window” is up in a few days, meaning we will have to have sex, and I’m already getting worried about it.

My husband and I have talked about this and he says it’s normal for women to not climax, so I shouldn’t worry too much about it. He tries hard to pleasure me, but it doesn’t work.

I’m hurting. Please help. 😦
 
I’m sorry you are experiencing this issue. What have you guys done to work on it? Have you seen a dr? What about different positions or lubrication? In what ways is it uncomfortable? Is there any relevant past history? How long does foreplay last? How is your relationship outside of sex?
 
I think that not climaxing and discomfort are probably separate issues. While your husband is correct that not climaxing 100% of the time is not cause for alarm, discomfort to the point of dread is not normal.

Definitely talk to your OB/GYN and be looking for a way forward.
 
CarrieSpooner said:
I’m sorry you are experiencing this issue. What have you guys done to work on it? Have you seen a dr? What about different positions or lubrication? In what ways is it uncomfortable? Is there any relevant past history? How long does foreplay last? How is your relationship outside of sex?
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Foreplay is not satisfactory to me. I have told my husband what I need during foreplay, but I think when he’s told what to do, he tenses up and tries too hard, and it doesn’t really work.

We’ve tried every position in the book. Lubrication is sufficient.

I think the real issue is I need to relax, but the more I try to relax I can’t. 🤷

Maybe I’m overthinking it.

Our relationship outside of sex is fine.

Not sure what you mean by relevant past history, but we were both virgins when we got married and neither of us has been abused by anyone.
 
Xantippe said:
I think that not climaxing and discomfort are probably separate issues. While your husband is correct that not climaxing 100% of the time is not cause for alarm, discomfort to the point of dread is not normal.

Definitely talk to your OB/GYN and be looking for a way forward.
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I’m not dreading it because of the discomfort. It’s just when I don’t climax and he does, I feel, for lack of better word…used.

I don’t expect to climax 100% of the time…just a little more than 0% of the time.
 
You said previously that you didn’t climax “most of the time” (which could mean you climax 49% of the time) and then you mention that you’d like to climax more than 0%. There’s a lot of space between 0 and 49%. Is it 0 or is it 49%, or is it somewhere in the middle?

What does your OB/GYN think?
 
Maine52 said:
Foreplay is not satisfactory to me. I have told my husband what I need during foreplay, but I think when he’s told what to do, he tenses up and tries too hard, and it doesn’t really work.

We’ve tried every position in the book. Lubrication is sufficient.

I think the real issue is I need to relax, but the more I try to relax I can’t. 🤷

Maybe I’m overthinking it.

Our relationship outside of sex is fine.

Not sure what you mean by relevant past history, but we were both virgins when we got married and neither of us has been abused by anyone.
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Relevant past history could be anything – anxiety, depression, childhood trauma or abuse, etc.

You know your situation better than us. If you think the problem is you not being able to relax, I would think about seeing a therapist for relaxation strategies. A good therapist should be able to help you work towards belong able to get yourself into a relaxed state at home whenever you need to.

Maybe foreplay is the wrong word but for me, the most important indicator of how likely a climax will be is how into it I get before we start. I don’t mean him doing certain things to me, but our kissing and embracing each other. It’s more of a build up of the whole day. I don’t know if that makes sense.

Also, if he is circumcised, that makes it harder for the woman because the way he has to compensate for his deficit is usually far less stimuating for the woman. But if you know that’s the problem, there are things he can do to work on that.
 
Maine52 said:
In a nutshell, I have little to no desire for sex for the following reasons:

1.) I do not climax most of the time.

2.) It is usually uncomfortable for me. Not painful per se, just not comfortable. Not comfortable and, as I mentioned before, not pleasurable.

3.) I know my husband is not taking advantage of me, but when he is getting the “full experience” and I am not, well, it’s just not a great feeling.

I know sex is part of marriage, and so I am willing to do it to make my husband happy. However, I am happy for the times of abstinence during NFP. My “fertile window” is up in a few days, meaning we will have to have sex, and I’m already getting worried about it.

My husband and I have talked about this and he says it’s normal for women to not climax, so I shouldn’t worry too much about it. He tries hard to pleasure me, but it doesn’t work.

I’m hurting. Please help. 😦
Click to expand...
Most men don’t know what makes women climax; it is the clitoris that is the primary source of orgasm in women.
 
OP, I am sure you’ve tried to p(name removed by moderator)oint things that arouse you; have you had much success with this?

Have you tried a bit of wine or tasty liquor? Alcohol is famous for lowering the ol’ inhibitions…not that you ought to get trashed, but perhaps a little could make the experience more pleasurable.
 
No, it’s not “normal” for women to NOT have an orgasm.
While women maybe do not orgasm 100% of the time, to not have one at all is indicative of a problem.

It could be a medical problem on the part of the woman, or an emotional/mental health problem on the part of either spouse, or a problem of either spouse not knowing the physical anatomy of the female genitalia ( ex: exactly where is the clitoris) and how to help this along.

I would encourage a medical exam, counseling, or if too shy to discuss this in counseling try reading some basic self-help books (such as “The Joy of Sex”); although do understand many things in “The Joy of Sex” and other such books do go against Catholic teaching on marital relations.

But married sex should be pleasurable for both spouses- - - - and it should not be something dreaded or avoided. God bless you both!
 
May I flag-up an occasional problem with NFP?
I have raised it in the pro-life sphere, and it seems to be recognised, without ever being discussed:
Some women are only interested in sex during their fertile period. By avoiding that time, eventually the whole business becomes an unwelcome chore. – Not much good for either party.
Of course, we don’t know if this has happened here.

A possible way forward might be to abstain. Tough for the guy, but that’s love. Time to learn about all kinds of affection and respect. That’s love. It means that he never initiates an encounter, and it might be some time before he receives a clear invitation. That’s love.

Praying together is love too.
 
Maine52 said:
In a nutshell, I have little to no desire for sex for the following reasons:

1.) I do not climax most of the time.

2.) It is usually uncomfortable for me. Not painful per se, just not comfortable. Not comfortable and, as I mentioned before, not pleasurable.

3.) I know my husband is not taking advantage of me, but when he is getting the “full experience” and I am not, well, it’s just not a great feeling.

I know sex is part of marriage, and so I am willing to do it to make my husband happy. However, I am happy for the times of abstinence during NFP. My “fertile window” is up in a few days, meaning we will have to have sex, and I’m already getting worried about it.

My husband and I have talked about this and he says it’s normal for women to not climax, so I shouldn’t worry too much about it. He tries hard to pleasure me, but it doesn’t work.

I’m hurting. Please help. 😦
Click to expand...
Have you spoken to your Doctor about this. You may have a physical problem that is correctable.
 
This isn’t an uncommon problem–that is, that the wife cannot climax easily and the husband feels anxious about it, which does not help the matter. It can come from lots of things so the main thing is to be patient and persistent. Don’t give up on solving this problem.

One of common issue, for instance, is that many men “change gears” from the stresses of the day more easily than many women do. Set aside enough time so that you can slow down. It may also help to arrange to be together at a time of day when you are well-rested, at least some of the time.

It is certainly not uncommon for women to be largely unable to climax during intercourse. A good number only experience that during foreplay, or else not at all. That is OK. (I mean, it is morally permissible to plan that it will probably be that way for the wife, and to “wait” for her on the idea that she probably won’t climax if they proceed with their time together too quickly.)

Have you considered that you may be helped by having more of the “foreplay” that happens* before* you get to the bedroom? When you say your relationship is “fine” do you mean your relationship still has romance, or do you mean that you have no problems on the platonic side of your relationship?

I mean: When you are with your husband, do you feel beautiful? Do you feel fortunate that you have him not just as a friend, but as a lover?

Another thought: Is this a time that you have to look forward to for other reasons, because of what you do as a couple before and afterwards? If you don’t climax but you have him there to listen to what you have to talk about for some leisurely alone time afterwards, maybe the experience as a whole will feel more unitive to you, whether or not you climax.

As I said, many different things could be going on here, so this takes some patience. It is worth it not to let this “sleeping dog” lie, however. You are right to want things to be different. Even when that is not the case, you both ought to feel that giving in to this as a “normal” situation is not acceptable in a part of your life that you engage in for the sake of unity and mutual affection.
 
Very many women are not able to orgasm through straight intercourse. There are a lot of other ways to help women to achieve orgasm during sex - have you and your husband tried them?

Sexuality is one of the ways men and women are quite different. It is extremely important to the marriage that every man makes sure that his wife is properly enjoying their sexual relationship - and often men are not aware of what they need to do to make sure that happens.
 
Maine52 said:
Foreplay is not satisfactory to me. I have told my husband what I need during foreplay, but I think when he’s told what to do, he tenses up and tries too hard, and it doesn’t really work.

We’ve tried every position in the book. Lubrication is sufficient.

I think the real issue is I need to relax, but the more I try to relax I can’t. 🤷

Maybe I’m overthinking it.

Our relationship outside of sex is fine.

Not sure what you mean by relevant past history, but we were both virgins when we got married and neither of us has been abused by anyone.
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If penetrative sex is causing a lot of anxiety, couldn’t you just take it off the menu this time and focus on foreplay? Maybe then you could be more relaxed and it would give him a chance to practice his techniques without having to worry about going the whole nine yards.

(sorry for all the allusions, but I was trying to keep it PG)
 
This is definitely a question for a good OBGYN. There are so many factors that could be causing your inability to have an orgasm that a medical doctor should be involved. Don’t be embarrassed to go see one. It is not normal or desirable for a woman never or rarely to climax.
 
EasterJoy said:
I mean: When you are with your husband, do you feel beautiful? Do you feel fortunate that you have him not just as a friend, but as a lover?
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Is he trying to be alluring to you, too? If he does not get your heart pounding any more, why do you think that might be? It is OK to gently remind him that a wedding band is not an automatic pilot light. Courtship and romance is the ongoing work of marriage, for both parties. It doesn’t work for everyone, but many on this forum swear by the book, “The 5 Love Languages.”
 
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