I don't want to be a trophy wife

[runwaymodel]

(Bolding mine). I’m going to be brutally honest. The way you talk about those around you does not make you sound like a devout catholic ready for a family. It kind of makes you sound like a shallow stereotype of a model. You paint people with a very broad brush and look down on them. “I refuse to date any man who does X for a living because a lot of people who do X are bad” does not sound like you are really looking at men for who they are on the inside, only what they can offer you. If the city as a whole is so “vapid” why do you choose to live amongst those people? You can’t really believe that you’re the best person in LA?

You don’t want people making assumptions about you based on your looks, so maybe stop making assumptions about other people.

And for what its worth, I’ve never met a woman who only had her looks to offer. I’ve met women who have been told that’s all they have to offer, and I’ve met women who believe it. But I’ve never met someone that it was true for, and I don’t think those women exist.

I don’t think that you’re attracting the wrong men because you’re pretty, I think you’re attracting the wrong men because of your attitude.

I actually answered something similar in a previous post.
*"Los Angeles isn’t all that bad. It has many beautiful qualities. Just the people tend to be flakey or fake or have these delusional egos. Not everyone but it’s definitely different compared to the rest of the country.
I have considered moving somewhere else, but I truly do love Southern California and given my profession, it benefits me to stay here. Now if I did find someone who wanted to move elsewhere after we were married, I would be completely open–although not a small town. I don’t think I would be happy at all there.

So I do paint a harsh picture on LA but only when comparing the people here in contrast to other cities where individuals are actually hospitable and more reliable (from my experience)*."

I’m not trying to make assumptions. I’m merely saying based on my personal experience these people are engaged in drugs and I really have no desire to surround myself around that. I’m absolutely not perfect either, I realize that.

 

[runwaymodel]

Praying for you.

The world needs beautiful people, both inside and out. You were given this gift to share God’s love, with people who necessarily don’t know about Him. I wish you the best of luck to find someone who loves you for who you are inside, and values your specialness. Perhaps you can also enlighten a few broken souls along the way.

Thank you. Your words and prayers mean a lot.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Any type of entertainment-related career is tough when it comes to relationships. I’m a musician, and one thing that is common among 99% of them with successful marriages is that they didn’t marry other musicians.

I don’t have much advice to offer other than don’t get discouraged. Oftentimes people met their future significant others when that actual stop attempting to date. Sometimes people get desperate and clingy, and it turns people off. But when people have an air of confidence around them. it attracts others.

That happened with my wife. She was divorced (subsequently annulled), couldn’t stand dating, and finally she decided was done and likely to spend her life alone. Shortly after that, we started dating.

 

[grandfather]

I have considered moving somewhere else, but I truly do love Southern California and given my profession, it benefits me to stay here.

I’m not trying to make assumptions. I’m merely saying based on my personal experience these people are engaged in drugs and I really have no desire to surround myself around that. I’m absolutely not perfect either, I realize that.

None of us can see ourselves. We get stuck in what we think or a perspective on our own lives and sometimes need a nudge to get unstuck so we can move on to something better.

Maybe there is a bit of a contradiction in how you are looking at your life situation. You don’t want to be a trophy wife. I think what that means is you do not want to be valued for what is only skin deep, being pretty. On the other hand you have chosen a “profession” for your life where being pretty and being admired for one’s looks is the job qualification. You don’t like the sex, drugs and rock and roll sicko culture you are immersed in, but you don’t want to leave it, just yet. It seems you have a choice. Either stay where you are, where your looks are your currency, or leave and seek a place where life has meaning and is not so superficial. Why live in a snake pit? Why chose to live there unless you either want to be there and be in a job that is all veneer and glitz or have no other options?

 

[billcu1]

I actually answered something similar in a previous post.
*"Los Angeles isn’t all that bad. It has many beautiful qualities. Just the people tend to be flakey or fake or have these delusional egos. Not everyone but it’s definitely different compared to the rest of the country.
I have considered moving somewhere else, but I truly do love Southern California and given my profession, it benefits me to stay here. Now if I did find someone who wanted to move elsewhere after we were married, I would be completely open–although not a small town. I don’t think I would be happy at all there.

So I do paint a harsh picture on LA but only when comparing the people here in contrast to other cities where individuals are actually hospitable and more reliable (from my experience)*."

I’m not trying to make assumptions. I’m merely saying based on my personal experience these people are engaged in drugs and I really have no desire to surround myself around that. I’m absolutely not perfect either, I realize that.

You’re choice of a pen name here in CAF is interesting too.

 

[Lost_Sheep]

Being a moralistic Catholic girl doesn’t make things easier. I think some men see it as a challenge. As if they really can’t believe that I go to Church every Sunday, openly praise God, come from a good family, don’t do drugs, am actually kind and compassionate…basically the opposite of what someone in this industry should be or do.

Where were you back in my dating years?

OK. Probably not born yet, but in the sexually promiscuous era of the 1970s, it was hard for me to find a “good” girl. Which, thank God, I eventually did and we’ve been married almost 30 years.

 

[on_the_hill]

Coming at it from a different angle: how do people view you? Are you assumed to be a shallow, air headed runway model? Do you feel pressure to extend yourself in ways that disprove that impression?

When you’re out in public, away from work, are you conscious of how people view you or treat you? I’m just curious. I’m intrigued by the mind sets of people who are rated as exceptionally attractive, or attractive enough to make their living by it.

Could it be that “regular” guys are put off by your attractiveness because they’re intimidated or assume you’re an intellectual lightweight, which leaves you with the flakey industry-types?

 

[billcu1]

Coming at it from a different angle: how do people view you? Are you assumed to be a shallow, air headed runway model? Do you feel pressure to extend yourself in ways that disprove that impression?

When you’re out in public, away from work, are you conscious of how people view you or treat you? I’m just curious. I’m intrigued by the mind sets of people who are rated as exceptionally attractive, or attractive enough to make their living by it.

Could it be that “regular” guys are put off by your attractiveness because they’re intimidated or assume you’re an intellectual lightweight, which leaves you with the flakey industry-types?

Women that are down to earth, friendly and so on I’ve always found are not only more likeable. Attractive or not; but your not put off by them. Where are you in the realm of friends? That’s pretty important too. I wouldn’t date someone that wasn’t a friend.

 

[mek42]

Don’t forget that many men of the nature you are looking for may be intimidated by your looks and career and may think you are out of their league.

 

[runwaymodel]

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story, you have a difficult cross to bear, especially because you bear the difficulty of many other people not thinking it is a cross.

I once heard someone say that it was very difficult for extremely wealthy women to find a place to vent their frustrations when they were sad about something or not satisfied with some aspect of their lives…that is because a lot of people do not feel sorry for wealthy women. I regret that the same may be even said for women who have been blessed by God’s precious gift of physical beauty.

You do not strike me as shallow, you strike me as someone who seeks a deep relationship but because of your business profession and the city that you live in, the prospects are limited. You have lived in Los Angeles long enough to be honest and say that the men you have met do not seem interested in your faith, and that they seem only interested in your appearance. I can see that if you feel called to the vocation of marriage, and that the repeated experiences of meeting “Mr. Wrong” have been taking their toll on you.

Let me offer you this: if you really feel that the Holy Spirit is tugging at your heart and urging you to try and find a life-partner for Sacramental marriage and motherhood…then perhaps it is time to discern a big change. You would know more than I the average career of a model, but I would guess you would not be modeling forever. Therefore at some point you will be changing. Why not explore what God may have in store for you now? Why not explore new opportunities for you now? You do not need to pack your bags tomorrow, but simply start exploring and open your heart to the possibilities. I say this because when God keeps slamming doors in my face I always think it’s a pretty clear message from him that I am not where he wants me to be. I wonder if that is what is happening here. I could be wrong of course, since I don’t know you at all. Just a thought, please be assured of my prayers, God bless you.

Thank you. I definitely feel a calling towards marriage. I have been volunteering a ton to keep me occupied during downtime so I am actually engaging in something productive while giving back.

I have heard others here mention why I don’t just try something else or change careers? Well, it’s not always that simple. This has been my career for many years so I cannot just ditch it and pursue another venue because I have been the sole provider of myself for years. So I am trying to slowly dabble here and there but I cannot completely give up my career at a moments notice. I do however, plan to retire from it in the next few years, so a backup plan is definitely something I am working on.

 

[runwaymodel]

You’re choice of a pen name here in CAF is interesting too.

I’ve already addressed that with a previous poster. My choice of handle name here which I have had for years, does not make me any less of a Catholic than if I had chosen ‘ilovethebeach’ as a name.

** on_the_hill**
Coming at it from a different angle: how do people view you? Are you assumed to be a shallow, air headed runway model? Do you feel pressure to extend yourself in ways that disprove that impression?

When you’re out in public, away from work, are you conscious of how people view you or treat you? I’m just curious. I’m intrigued by the mind sets of people who are rated as exceptionally attractive, or attractive enough to make their living by it.

Could it be that “regular” guys are put off by your attractiveness because they’re intimidated or assume you’re an intellectual lightweight, which leaves you with the flakey industry-types?

No, I have a good reputation actually. Definitely not one of a bobble head. Any with any kind of doubts quickly changes their mind once they have a conversation with me. I am very well spoken and dress appropriate. I’m actually very aware of how people perceive me which is why I try to conduct myself in a way that doesn’t feed to those stereotypes. I almost care too much, if that makes sense.

“Regular men” don’t typically approach me unless they already know me or if it’s via church function. I don’t think I am intimidating, because I always try to smile so I am more approachable, but I don’t know for sure. The flakey industry guys (as I mentioned in my original post) actually try to test my boundaries to see if they will hold. I think they want someone who is easily manipulated or doesn’t have much of an opinion, who will just go on the ride with them and that’s certainly not me. They catch on pretty quickly and while some times that is enough to deter them from continuing to peruse me, others see it as a challenge. So I do cut things off there.

Thanks for the prayers.

 

[billcu1]

I’ve already addressed that with a previous poster. My choice of handle name here which I have had for years, does not make me any less of a Catholic than if I had chosen ‘ilovethebeach’ as a name.

I see. I was making no accusations. I see now that this is your career so it does indeed make sense.

 

[mek42]

It is not necessarily your attitude that may cause intimidation, but society trains us men to, for lack of better words, to seek only women of similar attractiveness to our own. Like, if I perceive myself as nothing to look at, maybe a little out of shape, I’m going to admire a woman who can do your career from a far, but I’m going to be hesitant to engage in conversation. I won’t get to the point of knowing you are sweet and even more beautiful within because of my own insecurity.

So, you might need to do some of the asking out, and plainly state that you find a boy attractive, because even after going on some low key dates such as dinners and movies, the boy may be flattered you are spending time with him, but it may not even enter his sense of reality that a relationship that she possible. It might also take some time before he feels natural with a relationship.

Again, it is not you, it is out feeble male confidence coupled with a subconscious stay within your attractiveness class training given to us by the world we live in.

Does this make any sense?

 

[manualman]

My 2bits: Take a photo of yourself with a hoodie on and no makeup, but otherwise nice and presentable. Use that for your CatholicMatch profile (or whatever they call it). Accept date offers from men with ungelled hair and a few acne scars.

You’ll never discover great catholic men unless you go where they are and speak the language. You usually need a wider net than mere parish involvement. Find a region-wide catholic organization that meshes with one area of your particular spiritual interests. Maybe that’s charismatic renewal or Carmelite third order or a Franciscan soup kitchen. Whatever, get involved in a catholic ministry that interests you and involves regularly rotating groups of people.

They’re out there, you just have to be in the right sorts of places. And your primary motive for being there shouldn’t be “man-shopping” of course. Find a group that really DOES address your spiritual interests. It’s just frosting on the cake that such a thing might also attract like minded men.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Runaway,

I understand where you are coming from – not that I am a trophy man, but I also live in Southern Cal. Even worse I live near ocean, so everyone has that mentality that you have to have the “beach going” look. And it is (was) hard to meet someone in the local area who was not materialistic, selfish, or believes that you need to look a certain way. I was on Catholicmatch.com and met my future wife there. I preferred that site as you can limit the distance – so no fraud or scammers, and as for my soon to be, she did not post a picture (I did though ) so I was able to go off of her bio – which I think is more important.

The thing is – do not get discouraged and do not just settle because you think that there is no one else – because there is. Just have patience and trust in God – you will do fine and He will guide you.

Prayers and support to you.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I grew up in LA. It’s a big place. So the dominant culture there is not one you or I would want to be of, but you prefer to live in it, as I once did. Heck, I still like it there myself so I understand where you’re coming from. Okay that’s fine, the men you would be interested in are definitely present, but since they’re harder to find, you may have to bear more of the search cost to find them. In other words, go where they are that is congruent with things you might be interested in. Last poster’s suggestion about going beyond your local parish to participate in diocese- and archdiocese-level organizations is a good one, but you don’t have to limit yourself to that. You could try other activities that have men participating: like biking, partner dancing, skiing, etc. Your filters may be more stringent when in a non-Catholic environment, but a few of those men might be interesting to you and you might not otherwise find them in Church outside of Mass.

Your screen name reflects what you do and I’m sure you’re good at it, but it is not who you are. Best be prepared to set it aside if you truly want to be a wife and mother. You don’t say how old you are, no need to answer that question, I’m not asking. But if you’re under 26, you might consider men 5 to 8 years older as they may be more mentally ready to take on marriage and fatherhood than men closer to your age. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but it may help to widen your search. In any event, it is important to find a man you can respect.

Good luck.

 

[Captain_America]

My 2bits: Take a photo of yourself with a hoodie on and no makeup, but otherwise nice and presentable. Use that for your CatholicMatch profile (or whatever they call it). Accept date offers from men with ungelled hair and a few acne scars.

You’ll never discover great catholic men unless you go where they are and speak the language. You usually need a wider net than mere parish involvement. Find a region-wide catholic organization that meshes with one area of your particular spiritual interests. Maybe that’s charismatic renewal or Carmelite third order or a Franciscan soup kitchen. Whatever, get involved in a catholic ministry that interests you and involves regularly rotating groups of people.

They’re out there, you just have to be in the right sorts of places. And your primary motive for being there shouldn’t be “man-shopping” of course. Find a group that really DOES address your spiritual interests. It’s just frosting on the cake that such a thing might also attract like minded men.

manualman, I don’t have an uncle, but if I did, I’d want you to be mine. I agree with you often on these forums.

OP, look. . . get outside the LA stuff. I think downplaying your looks is a very sharp and sensible thing to do here.

In my own life, I was like many guys, intimidated by exceptionally good-looking girls simply because I felt I would just be an “option for the day” and she’d just as easily as not move on to other people, since an attractive woman can easily enough find Joe Number 2.

I’m not a horrible-looking guy; in fact, a company once wanted me to model when I was a child! I’m a tad above average and have some good attributes.

Your idea of doing volunteer work is also a very smart move. Here you’ll find people motivated by the same values as you—and not just the superficial interest.

I think how you dress, too, conveys a lot. Going plain and no makeup speaks much.

 

[runwaymodel]

It is not necessarily your attitude that may cause intimidation, but society trains us men to, for lack of better words, to seek only women of similar attractiveness to our own. Like, if I perceive myself as nothing to look at, maybe a little out of shape, I’m going to admire a woman who can do your career from a far, but I’m going to be hesitant to engage in conversation. I won’t get to the point of knowing you are sweet and even more beautiful within because of my own insecurity.

So, you might need to do some of the asking out, and plainly state that you find a boy attractive, because even after going on some low key dates such as dinners and movies, the boy may be flattered you are spending time with him, but it may not even enter his sense of reality that a relationship that she possible. It might also take some time before he feels natural with a relationship.

Again, it is not you, it is out feeble male confidence coupled with a subconscious stay within your attractiveness class training given to us by the world we live in.

Does this make any sense?

Well I would never dream of asking a man out. Call me old school, but that’s not very lady- like.
I am however, very friendly and kind to every one. I am most definitely not a flirt but some people misinterpret my kindness for more than what it is. But yes, what you said about some men having insecurity makes sense. Thank you for the reply.

 

[runwaymodel]

I actually have no problem going out without makeup and my hair in a ponytail as I am encourage to do so when I do volunteer work.

I’m not bias towards dating someone older than me (I have a history of that, which might be the problem) so my age range of people I would consider going out with is actually much more extensive than my peers or friends. I’m not getting discourage at all, just a little restless. I know these things happen on their own time…but I’m hard headed.

I will definitely start to expand my network of involvement, as some of you suggested. Thank you. Your opinions have been very helpful.

 

[Ridgerunner]

This is all very interesting.

When I was a young man dating, I wasn’t bad looking, but I was a bit shorter than average, and though I was unusually strong, I didn’t look it…not all ripped and that.

I’ll confess that I sometimes went out with young women just to show off. I was particularly fond of going out with some stunning woman who was taller than me; just to make the other guys think “he must sure be a h–l of a guy. What’s he got?” I went out with a pro football team cheerleader just so other guys would know it, and I did date a beautiful nightclub singer, all for the same reason. Guys are vain like that sometimes. Maddeningly so, perhaps, to women at times. Sometimes you date a woman for the impression it might make on other men.

So, there’s vanity involved in all of that, or certainly can be. But vanity was far from being my real motivator in dating. I was actually looking for a wife the whole time. But it’s true that appearance mattered to me.

And I dated some lovely women, but it was not always for a “trophy”. My wife looked for all the world like Sophia Loren did in her younger days. Exotic and stunning. But that’s not the reason I stuck with her. It’s just the reason why she initially caught my eye.

I’m guessing the OP’s problem is not how she looks at all. There are armies of beautiful women on the planet, and most of them are not much different from women who are not. Any man who has half a brain and isn’t shy knows that. I suspect it’s not her looks but the environment she’s in, and she pretty much says that.

But is it true? Many people say that once a person is out of school suitable mates become very scarce. I don’t really believe that. It’s just that contacts shrink around one’s workplace, parish and otherwise applicable social activities. And, recognizing that it’s harder for women because men can be very brash and forward whereas women are (probably rightly) reluctant to be. It’s very difficult for me to believe every man in Southern California is a skunk. Probably the skunk ratio is no greater than it is in St. Louis or Memphis.

So, in my mind, Runway’s problem is, as some have suggested, likely amenable to her widening her circles. Well, okay, she might consider “dolling down” at least a bit if she’s used to the extreme “dolling up” one associates with modeling. Sometimes a stunning appearance is not so much a matter of beauty as it is one of excess, and an experienced man knows excess when he sees it and draws conclusions from it, right or wrong.

Personally, I think Runway will find “Mr. Right”, even in So Cal. But I’m guessing that widening her circles is likely the key. One has to “be there” in order to 'be met".