I don't WANT to forgive him

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JLCecilia

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But I probably will; at least, I won’t say anything and just let it blow over. Not really the same as forgiving, but I’m not going to pursue it any further than my rant here.

Last night, as usual, I left the babe w/ DH while he played on the computer so I could get 5 or 10 minutes to rest on my own before I have to share my bed. DH just got a new toy for his computer and was eager to try it out, so I guess it was my fault and I really just set the whole thing up. He later brought the baby in to me (as usual), only this time he was blaspheming. Truth be told, he doesn’t try to sooth the baby at all or talk to him, just brings him to me at the first wimper. Normally 5 or 10 minutes is enough time for me that this isn’t a big deal, but I could tell DH was put off.

Then his little tantrum this a.m. I was ready w/ 3 out of 4 of our kids to head out and take everyone to their destinations and get to work. DH gets up and when he sees the 4yo (the trouble child in the a.m.) isn’t ready, he has a hissy fit. So, instead of getting out early, I stay behind and get the crying child ready. More than anything, I wanted to spare him from his dad’s temper, who would only make the child cry worse. Meanwhile I’m thinking, you could get up 15 minutes earlier and HELP!

So, there goes my New Year’s. I didn’t really expect him to spend time w/ me anyway, now that he has his new toy, but I think this morning’s episode just sealed the deal. Besides, he’s already watched the movies I want to see without me. Hey, what did I expect?
 
He DID apologize via text, which I personally think is lame. While I really want to tell him off, I’ll just ignore it and wait for him to call and try to make small talk. I’m going to get blasted for this, but I’ll be brutally honest and say that it would be one thing to reconcile if there were something in it for me: face time w/ him this evening. But, his idea of reconciliation is: what’s the least I can do to make her not mad at me and so I can play on the computer tonight without feeling guilty or fearing further reprocussion? Kind of sours the deal right there. I know, I know, forgiveness is more for the injured than the injurer. W/E.
 
Monicad, thank you for the thoughtful, gracious response. I always cringe when I post b/c I know for every 1 kind response, there are 100 other viewers who’d like to blast me to bits, probably rightfully so. But I’m grateful for the kind responses b/c they really lead me to cool down and clear my head and my heart. The blasters just make me more defensive and I fortify my walls of unforgiveness even firmer.

I guess the hard part for me in accepting his text apology is b/c it’s passive. I know all about this approach, I’m a pro. I know for certain my DH feels the very way you described: what’s the point in apologizing, you’re still mad at me no matter what I do? It is so true, I’m virtually impossible to please and I have this immense pride that everything is his fault and he owes me.

Jesus, please help me to cool my head and forgive DH. I pray every day that you will help me love him even if he never changes. So change ME Dear God. For Pete’s sake, how much do you love ME despite committing the same offenses over and over again?!
 
Can you ask your husband at least to stop the cussing? Anytime somebody is doing that, it will only escalate whatever tensions there are. To me, that’s a good first step.

As to the “trouble child” in the morning, is he getting enough sleep? If he’s not, he needs to get to bed earlier. If he can’t get rolling in the morning, could be that.

Could you also see a counselor? A lot of people use counselors only after they have been served divorce papers.

I once knew a couple which seems to have a good relationship who used a counselor just to help them improve communication in their marriage. The wife said she felt they had a strong relationship but simply that she thought it could be better. So, indeed, they went to counseling, and it seemed to help them.

Often, health insurance will cover at least a few visits.

You need to work through these issues, not sweep them under the rug. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the problems will never be addressed. These things needed to be tended to, resolved, worked through.

Can you also work out time to spend together, as a couple? Sounds like you’re not getting enough quality time.

When you bring the issue up with your husband, approach it from a positive angle rather than a negative. Instead of saying, “Why won’t you ever spend time with me?” Why not try something more like, “I’d really like to see you. When can we do that?”
 
Here’s a big {{{HUG}}} from me. I know this situation is not even close to yours but I’ll tell it anyway. When I made the decision to become Catholic my sister almost went ballistic. She has said and written things that have hurt my feelings terribly and I harbor animosity toward her. Over the past year and a half I have made every attempt to forgive her and let the hurt go but I keep snatching it back and wallowing in self-pity. Earlier this month during Advent I went to our Penance Service and told the priest about all this. He said the sweetest thing to me: don’t even try to let this go. Instead, ask Jesus to hold onto the hurt and animosity with you. I wept when I heard him say that and it has helped me so much to carry this burden.

I will pray for you. +++ JMJ
 
Forgiveness does not preclude holding your husband accountable for failing to meet his responsibilities.
 
Hoo(name removed by moderator)mie, thank for sharing those sweet words, I will try to remember to pray them.

I have to be fair and share that DH has improved quite a bit since the beginning of our marriage. But some of that residual junk flares up every now and then. The hard thing is treating it like a one-time thing and non groupoing it together with EVERY other similar offense he’s ever committed.
 
Forgiveness doesn’t prevent you from telling people that their behaviour is unacceptable and why. Or how it makes you feel. Sometimes they don’t know until you tell them.

Some people have developed more or less evenly. If they’re 25 or 30 or 35, they’re 25 or 30 or 35 across the board: emotions, responsibility, mental age, physical age, whatever. Others are more developed here and less developed there. Sometimes good or attractive qualities in one area are connected with not to so great ones in a different field. For example airheads can be wonderfully trusting and contagiously happy with a positive outlook and whatnot while… erm, remaining airheads, for example. People with an engaging personality can be a bit into themselves. And those with the sensitivity of a child can act like a child in more than just the good ways. By contrast, the responsible, serious folks, also have their faults. We all come with some advantages and disadvantages. With marriage especially it’s like sometimes the same things which drew people together later set them apart.
 
Praying for you. Forgiveness is a powerful intercessor to God. You have a beautiful family. God bless you. I will pray to the Holy Spirit to give you strengh and fortitude to get through the difficult times. It is so hard today to be wife and mother. Remembet you are the Heart of the family. You keep it all together. God bless.
 
I think it will be easier to forgive him after you tell him what a creep he is being. If he texted you an apology, then you can text him back exactly what he needs to do in order to make up for his previous jerkiness. I’m picturing computer-free-daddy-supervised-board-games-while-mama-has-a-bubble-bath time.
 
JLCecilia said:
But I probably will; at least, I won’t say anything and just let it blow over. Not really the same as forgiving, but I’m not going to pursue it any further than my rant here.

Last night, as usual, I left the babe w/ DH while he played on the computer so I could get 5 or 10 minutes to rest on my own before I have to share my bed. DH just got a new toy for his computer and was eager to try it out, so I guess it was my fault and I really just set the whole thing up. He later brought the baby in to me (as usual), only this time he was blaspheming. Truth be told, he doesn’t try to sooth the baby at all or talk to him, just brings him to me at the first wimper. Normally 5 or 10 minutes is enough time for me that this isn’t a big deal, but I could tell DH was put off.

Then his little tantrum this a.m. I was ready w/ 3 out of 4 of our kids to head out and take everyone to their destinations and get to work. DH gets up and when he sees the 4yo (the trouble child in the a.m.) isn’t ready, he has a hissy fit. So, instead of getting out early, I stay behind and get the crying child ready. More than anything, I wanted to spare him from his dad’s temper, who would only make the child cry worse. Meanwhile I’m thinking, you could get up 15 minutes earlier and HELP!

So, there goes my New Year’s. I didn’t really expect him to spend time w/ me anyway, now that he has his new toy, but I think this morning’s episode just sealed the deal. Besides, he’s already watched the movies I want to see without me. Hey, what did I expect?
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What do you mean, “there goes my New Year’s”? New Year’s Eve isn’t even here yet. Why have you decided to put it down the tubes before you get there? 🤷

Forgiveness does not mean excusing bad behavior. It means letting go of wishing ill on the offender. You don’t have to give up any prospect of complaining about bad behavior. It is very much worthwhile to learn how to complain in a profitable way; that is, in a way that addresses amends (if there are amends to be made) and finding a mutually-agreeable way to avoid the conflict in the future.

Give up on nursing this grudge. Consider, instead, how to construct your family’s interactions so as to avoid these bad scenes in the future. The idea is not to blame, but to look for addressing each person’s weak points so that they don’t cause harm.
 
I don’t know why anyone would want to “blast you to bits” because of this. Your husband’s behavior was not exactly that of a knight-in-shining-armor, and, although the Christian thing to do is to forgive him, your feelings toward him are understandable. :console:

A priest I knew once gave the advice of writing down the person’s name and/or details of a hurtful situation on a piece of paper and putting the piece of paper under a crucifix or statue of a saint as a “concrete” way of giving it to God and letting it go.

Keep praying about it. May God give you peace. :signofcross:
 
JLCecilia said:
…The blasters just make me more defensive and I fortify my walls of unforgiveness even firmer.

I guess the hard part for me in accepting his text apology is b/c it’s passive. I know all about this approach, I’m a pro. …
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There you go! If you complain about bad behavior with the admission that you do exactly the same thing yourself or that you do things yourself that provide a near occasion of sin, then you soften the complaint to something “we need to work on”, something about which you can say, “I don’t like it when you do it to me, and I feel bad when I do it to you (or I feel bad about my part in it).”

Do not underestimate using your sense of humor with this–the “c’mon…part of you just wants to get me off your back so you can play with your Christmas toys in peace, huh? ;)” It can make it a lot easier to admit a fault if it is brought up in an affectionate way.
 
One thing with men - they tend to hone in on something (like the computer) and they find it easier to shrug off the rest (like all the things we women are driven to stay on top of). So for them it seems like we’re dumping out of proportion on them because they don’t “see” all the rest of what’s on our minds. And then that becomes a vicious spiral if we get angry and their apology doesn’t seem sincere or complete enough, then we get madder, they get more fearful of our anger, and so on it goes. I learned this from reading the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” books, and seeing how it applied in my own dealings with males.

The only suggestion I can give for now is give yourself time to cool off and bring up things like this at a time when the two of you can give the matter your best attentions. :hug1: Try to convey to him you don’t want to feel in opposition but that you’re on the same team and that you’ll try not to get mad but also you hope he will commit to not being too angry either - including with the kids. You shouldn’t have to bear the brunt to protect your kid, but under the circumstances I’d probably have made the same sacrifice. Hope things get to a better balance for you soon.
 
**JLCecilia, **earlier this morning I was going to post that after reading this thread and the thread about how you perceive your coworkers treat you, I think that your issues are all around you, and the fact that people don’t treat you the way you want to be treated.

I decided not to post anything, because I didn’t want to be perceived as being mean to you. But, I’ve been thinking. I am very much the same way at times. I can identify with how you feel.

The answer to a lot of what bothers us is to either let it go, or do something proactive. If you want to go to lunch with the group at work, make sure you are there when the group goes out. If you want your husband to treat you a certain way, tell him. If things don’t go your way, let it go - offer it up. In many ways, we are in control of our own happiness.
 
Monicad said:
I understand what you are saying, although I would soften the approach a little bit hahahaha!

Even though it may be tempting to do so, I don’t think telling her husband he is a creep and a jerk and demanding a bubble bath is probably the path to reconciliation with her husband, especially after he has already made an attempt at an apology Of course she is welcome to do so, she can choose to call him names and demand all she wants but I just have my doubts that it will produce the results that she is looking for that’s all.

I had similar struggles in my own marriage. My husband was reluctant to apologize because when he did it was not always good enough. I wanted him to make it up to me too and sometimes he got burned out and we grew apart. Sometimes he didn’t even bother. I am not saying everything was my fault, sometimes my husband was downright mean but even after he tried to apologize I had problems holding a grudge so we went 'round in circles.

My suggestion to JLCecilia is to tell him in person, thank you for the text message apology and give him a little hug. Leave it at that. He is an imperfect person and he gave you a very imperfect apology. Hopefully over time as you work on your marriage things will get better, but you will bring him closer to you with LOVE, you cannot nag or guilt him into being a better husband believe me it doesn’t work. God bless you.
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The caveot to the “tell-him-he’s-a-creep-and-that-he-owes-you-one” method is that once he does make it up, you have to let it go and forgive and forget. This is generally alot easier when he has done something to show that he actually is sorry, instead of just saying “sorry”.
 
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