B
batman6489
Guest
Hello,
I’m a non-catholic, who is interested in the Catholic faith. I’ve posted a few other times on here. So to catch everyone up, I’ve backed out of RCIA twice, been called “rude” by a priest, and tried to walk away from faith.
I’m a mess. Not only mentally (yes I take my meds daily) but also spiritually. Whenever I talked to someone about how they got through the struggles with the evil one, the subject of prayer always comes up, and I cringe.
I Don’t Want To Pray!!
Why you ask?
It is a long story, but I’ll try to shorten it.
I’m adopted and for the longest time of my life (23 years) I want to meet my birth mom and dad. Well many years went by and at 19 I met my birth dad. It was nice, and a little strange, but it did happen. We still talk to this day.
On the other side of the story, at 23 I had not met my birth mom. For all my years I yearned for a relationship from her. And I put all that yearning into prayer. I would continuously pray every chance I got for us to be reunited and share a memory together, because she walked away when i was nine months old. I didn’t even have a picture of her. Just my reflection in the mirror.
Finally one day I was doing the usual research that I did on her, and I came across a number to call. The number was to her dad. So I called him that night. I will never forget that conversation.
After I had explained who I was and other things, I asked the question, “Do you know where my birth mom is at?” Now I will tell you, I was 23 and I had a lot of time invested into this question. When he answered, it broke more than my heart. It broke me everywhere. He told me that she had passed away three years earlier.
I can’t begin to tell you how heartbroken I was then, and how heartbroken I am now at 27.
Every time I tried to bring this up to my therapist I cry alligator tears.
My heart is so broken that I’ll never have anything to remember her by. No hugs, no kisses, no memories.
All those years I invested in prayer towards a God that says he can make the impossible possible. And yet he didn’t.
Anger, jealous, hatred. They are all there. Why would I want to raise my hands and say thank you to him? Am I suppose to be happy every time I see a child run toward their mother smiling and laughing, knowing that path has been closed to me.
What does prayer even mean? If God is allowed to have the final word, and he crushes the hope, dreams, and relationships that you bring to him, why even try??
-Ashley W
I’m a non-catholic, who is interested in the Catholic faith. I’ve posted a few other times on here. So to catch everyone up, I’ve backed out of RCIA twice, been called “rude” by a priest, and tried to walk away from faith.
I’m a mess. Not only mentally (yes I take my meds daily) but also spiritually. Whenever I talked to someone about how they got through the struggles with the evil one, the subject of prayer always comes up, and I cringe.
I Don’t Want To Pray!!
Why you ask?
It is a long story, but I’ll try to shorten it.
I’m adopted and for the longest time of my life (23 years) I want to meet my birth mom and dad. Well many years went by and at 19 I met my birth dad. It was nice, and a little strange, but it did happen. We still talk to this day.
On the other side of the story, at 23 I had not met my birth mom. For all my years I yearned for a relationship from her. And I put all that yearning into prayer. I would continuously pray every chance I got for us to be reunited and share a memory together, because she walked away when i was nine months old. I didn’t even have a picture of her. Just my reflection in the mirror.
Finally one day I was doing the usual research that I did on her, and I came across a number to call. The number was to her dad. So I called him that night. I will never forget that conversation.
After I had explained who I was and other things, I asked the question, “Do you know where my birth mom is at?” Now I will tell you, I was 23 and I had a lot of time invested into this question. When he answered, it broke more than my heart. It broke me everywhere. He told me that she had passed away three years earlier.
I can’t begin to tell you how heartbroken I was then, and how heartbroken I am now at 27.
Every time I tried to bring this up to my therapist I cry alligator tears.
My heart is so broken that I’ll never have anything to remember her by. No hugs, no kisses, no memories.
All those years I invested in prayer towards a God that says he can make the impossible possible. And yet he didn’t.
Anger, jealous, hatred. They are all there. Why would I want to raise my hands and say thank you to him? Am I suppose to be happy every time I see a child run toward their mother smiling and laughing, knowing that path has been closed to me.
What does prayer even mean? If God is allowed to have the final word, and he crushes the hope, dreams, and relationships that you bring to him, why even try??
-Ashley W
Your journey through the grief, to the healing on the other side, can be a prayer in itself, and quite possibly it will open the way for a prayer life and a positive relationship with God to develop going forward.