I feel abandoned by God

[holyrood]

I’ve been married almost twenty years, and have found in the last few that my husband has had a string of inappropriate (at the very least) relationships with women over the years. That’s in addition to other hurtful behaviors that don’t need to be catalogued.

He is making great efforts to change. He truly is.

But he also seems to deny and dismiss how hurtful and damaging these lies and deceits are, and how they have made it impossible for me to believe or trust him in anything now. He plays down all that’s happened over the years, and keeps saying, “Well, I’ve changed the behaviors, haven’t I?”

And I’ve finally found myself at a point where I can’t get past the hurt and anger. Yes, he’s changed the behaviors to the extent that I am able to see the proof for myself, but even a few years ago, I think I could have let it go at that. I simply cannot just let this pattern of secret friendships go with no discussion, no acknowledgement, no resolution… no discussion at all, just, “Well, I quit, didn’t I?”

I know I’m not perfect. I’ve certainly blown up at him over the years for some of the things he’s done. But from the very start of our marriage, I have prayed, attended Mass regularly, fasted weekly (I did take a 5 year break, but am now fasting twice weekly), and said thousands of Rosaries and many novenas. I attended Eucharistic Adoration weekly for years. I have read every book and article that exists on forgiveness, and taken their advice. I have prayed for my husband and his ‘girlfriends.’ (Yes, sincerely.) I truly understand the things in his past that led to him lying, and tried to feel some compassion for that. I have asked God to help me forgive. I have ‘worked on myself’ to resolve my own faults. I read the Bible (though not often) and a great deal of spiritual reading, including things like The Imitation of Christ and Imitation of Mary. I have thanked God profusely and sincerely for all the good things in my life (there are many). I’ve prayed for my husband, and I’ve prayed for myself and I’ve prayed for God’s will. I’ve said novenas to, and asked for prayers from St. Rita and St. Monica for many years. (And from many, many others.)

… and I can’t get rid of this anger towards him. I can’t get past it.

What more does God want of me before He’ll help me to handle this?

 

[Ailina]

Hi there,

After all the hurt you have been through, and understanding how we humans have to work our way through the different stages of grief (in your case, mourning the loss of a trusting relationship with a loving spouse), I think anger is probably a very normal emotion to feel. I don’t think God has abandoned you at all. Also, your spouse is very unrealistic if he thinks you should just glide through all this without feeling any anger towards him. Sometimes anger is justified.

You need to feel the anger in order to let it go at some point in the future. This might be a good time to see a counsellor who could help you talk it out, so you get it out of your head, rather than take it out on your spouse. Writing an “anger letter” to your spouse is a good way to release some of the negative emotion as well. You don’t need (or want) to let your spouse read it, but the act of writing it will help you get it out of yourself. Burning such a letter also provides a sense of relief, especially if you imagine the anger floating up with the smoke.

I had a wayward spouse as well, and can understand your emotions. It will take time, because you can’t rush through how you feel, and it probably feels quite confusing for you right now, especially since your spouse is willing to work at things (which could be considered an answer to your prayers). He has to understand you have been hurt deeply, and that a lot of emotional work will be required here.

You are in my prayers.

 

[blessedtoo]

The title of your thread is “I feel abandoned by God”. However, I wonder if it’s really your husband that you feel abandoned by instead.

Perhaps it isn’t time for you to get over your anger. With deep and profound betrayal and lies, it takes time to re-establish trust. Perhaps God is walking with you quietly, as you work through this emotional transition from anger to acceptance.

If you are lashing out at your husband in anger, that is not because God has abandoned you. It is up to you to control that. God can offer us the grace and support and love to soldier on in the face of great pain (even when we don’t feel Him) but he won’t still your tongue if you lose control.

But if you are able to engage with your husband and carry on with your relationship and your family in a loving way while understanding that the anger may take time to pass, that to me is where God lives. In that patient acceptance of suffering is where we can discover His love, mercy and grace.

 

[pray4peace]

I am sorry for all the pain you have gone through with your husband.

I do believe God is handling this, and right now at this moment in time, this is what God wants from you, continued prayer and trust . God deals with things in His time and way, working on things you do not see or understand as He unfolds His plan for us. We can unite our suffering with Jesus’s suffering as He understands what we are going through and brings about a greater good from it that we often do not see at the present time.

You will be in my prayers.

Blessings

 

[Pani_Rose]

Heal her pain and sorrow Jesus with your love. Christ my God, for her - set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.