I feel awkward and insufficient

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wkek

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I am not completely sure why I write this. I suppose I just want to get it off my chest as I feel like it is too embarrassing to talk to someone I know about this:

I am a guy in his early twenties. I feel very awkward with people. Not in the cute and charming way in which people look back at me and think I’m funny. I mean awkward in the way that it makes people shy away from me. Granted, I have managed to make friends due to my quirks, but I consider that big achievements.

It feels like when I genuinely try, it turns to dirt either way sooner or later. I am scared that people see me as an obstacle. Im not saying this is actually the case though, its just what my mind makes it out to me. I cant read peoples minds, after all. As a result I am getting more scared to talk to people, to the point of my heart pounding in my chest for fear of taking the initiative with people I have just met, not to mention girls that I would like to try and court. I think for this reason I am usually the quiet type in a group, not taking up a big amount of space for fear of screwing up. If I didn’t suffer from social anxiety before, I might now.

I’ll give an example: A fellow catholic girl, as well as some other catholics, and I met at a ceremony, and I got pretty good report with these people. The girl suggested we should add each other on Facebook, which I of course agreed with. Some days later I decided I should keep the conversation via chat, which went well too, as she expressed that she think back at our time together at the ceremony with joy. Then I don’t really know what happened. When I said I had to go but that it was nice to talk again she just replied with “ok”. Maybe it was a bit abrubt of me, I dont know. I tried to talk for a little bit the day after, and while she was polite and everything, it just wasn’t the same anymore. I also tried to talk to her recently, about a month after our previous chat, and it was more or less the same thing as the last time. I asked her how she was and everything. She replied but occasionally took a long time to reply and didn’t seem to be too interested in asking me things back.

I don’t even know, maybe I am just overreacting. This is maybe how it usually goes down for everyone and I am just expecting too much. I have one close friend for which I am very thankful for. I just feel disappointed and I am tired of feeling like I subtly screw up involuntarily most of the time. Even if I did say something wrong, there doesn’t seem to be room for error at all. It seems like everything has to be on point and I have to deliver every time with everything I say, or else it’s bye bye. It’s making me feel depressed and making me consider whether it’s worth me bothering people. Im going to meet up with some old class mates over a few beers this weekend, and I have mixed feelings as a result. Maybe it would be better to leave people alone. Maybe i care too much what people think if me. Maybe it’s the devil trying to keep me away from people. I don’t even know what to do. If this is how it goes down I wouldn’t be surprised if I can’t find a future wife. Either way I’ll manage.

That’s it. Thank you if you read this far.

May God bless you, and have a holy and graceful advent!
 
It is natural for a faux pas or even something that seems it might have been a faux pas to make us doubt ourselves. Sometimes, it isn’t our social miscue that was a problem, but someone else failing their part of the social dance, for which we blame ourselves. Perhaps they are being unreasonable or they are embarrassed about the way they acted, and yet we assume that we must be to blame when they avoid us. In other words, self-questioning after social interactions that did not go smoothly is a fairly ordinary thing for people to suffer from time to time. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens to an awful lot of us!

You are not going to become more at ease by withdrawing. It would certainly be counter-productive to start at a miscue with one young woman and catastrophically project that forward into utter failure with all women who might have otherwise wanted to marry you for the rest of time! It would not hurt to get some help debriefing about where things feel as if they go wrong and how to feel more at ease in the future. Whatever you do, however, reject the notion that even obvious and public failure now will translate into failure forever. It simply is not true.

I think your best bet is to talk to that one best friend you really trust about your increasing fear that you unknowingly put people off. Sure, he or she may not be all that helpful, but then again he or she just might be. That person may be a big help in getting you to keep pushing yourself out onto the dance floor of life, which you need to do. The other thing you might do is to go to a school counselor (usually free, if you are in college), share your concerns, and ask for some guidance. That is someone professional and discrete.

Other than that, though, you need to stay in the arena, live through your mistakes, and keep plugging on. Yes, you might turn off a person here or there forever, but luckily there are 7 billion people in the world, most of whom have no knowledge of your past mistakes. You don’t live in a situation where every mistake you ever made is common knowledge to everyone else. You can make some really awful mistakes and still have many opportunities to start with a clean slate and try again. Most of the time, the people who saw the mistake will forget about it as your behavior improves. This is the age of second, third, fourth, and more chances. There is hardly such a thing as a “permanent record” any more!

You’re a nice guy, right? You’re basically kind-hearted and generous. Even if you are a total klutz, people who know you are going to be pulling for you. If you have two left feet socially right now and yet learn to quit making the mistakes you once did, you will be forgiven. People who were uneasy around you in the past will get over it. The truth is, when people see a genuinely nice “ugly duckling” work his way into being a “swan,” they are tickled to death! They’ll be very happy for you!

Be kind, be tolerant of the mistakes of others, be willing to roll your eyes and laugh at yourself and your mistakes, and that will win you a lot of good will. You have described hard landings, yes, but landings you can walk away from. Keep at it. That is the way to get where you long to be. You can do it. Do find that person to talk to, though. That makes it easier to persevere.
 
I love it when someone tells me they have forgotten my name. I am delighted (esp if they are young!)–it makes me know I am not the only one and also that it happens and people are not insulted 🙂

So I think it is safe to say the vast majority of those around you have thoughts like these pretty often, and those who don’t? Eh, do we really want to know people who never ever think they might have made a mistake or stepped on someone’s toes?

So just think of the times you had a huge fight with someone and two days later could not remember what it was about, or when someone said something completely stupid to you and you laughed it off, and realize that maybe the girl you were texting might have been thinking–did I say something to offend him? He got off the phone so abruptly!

I understand that nowadays giving out one’s phone number happens later in the relationship, bit considering how easy it is to miscommunicate in writing since there is no tone of voice, I would suggest in the future texting only for the purpose of arranging to meet for coffee somewhere or the like. A small commitment and getting to know each other better in actual person is soooooo much better than through tiny typing!

Go out and be nice to people. Better they say, “he’s a bit goofy but really nice” than “who?” iyswim. You’re at an awkward age, but so are most of those around you–it’s just that you see every one of your insecurities and none of theirs.
 
I firmly believe that everyone is worth knowing. Even if people don’t seem interested in you, they should be!

In high school, I was often ignored. No one really ever got to know the real me. I think I was perceived as perhaps boring and not worth knowing. So I was kind of shy because I was afraid of people thinking I was weird or something. I’m now a college junior, and I must say, the past 2.5 years have been huuuuuge social confidence boosters for me. I’ve gotten really involved in my college’s Catholic Center. I finally met people who want to get to know me, and as a result I was comfortable and opened up, and now I’m, dare I say…popular??? It’s a new thing for me. It’s been really nice to get to turn around and be welcoming to others who are shy and watch them open up. 😃

So maybe you just haven’t met the right group of people yet, people who value the dignity of every single person (#Catholicism). Maybe the group that you met at the ceremony would have been a nice group, but it sounds like you don’t live nearby them. Can you find some sort of young adults Catholic group at your church / in your diocese?
 
You felt awkward when you tried to communicate via Facebook/chat, right? It’s really hard, as St Francis pointed out, to convey feelings via words, unless you’re Shakespeare. And even he might have trouble chatting via internet. “What ho, varlet? What haps?”

Anyway, please don’t give up. I remember a time half a century ago when I felt the same way, I didn’t feel like I belonged in the world. I finally just gritted my teeth and said to myself, “I have as much right to be here as anybody.” We just have to assume people want to hang out with us, and truth is, they probably do. People like to hang out together, we are social beings. And people realize it’s a compliment if you spend time with them.
As time goes on, you will become more socially adept. The trick is to show real interest in people, ask about their lives and interests. They will think you are a fascinating conversationalist,

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You are trying too hard lovey. Reading body language is where you need to practice. When it comes to girls, take a deep breath, relax, make eye contact briefly and smile. We like men who listen to our “ramblings”. 😃

A couple of questions thrown in about her and her life will show that you are interested in her and that will keep her interested in you. Ask for her number if she indicates that she wants to see you again. Don’t make contact too soon, wait a couple of days. When you do contact her again, you ask her out. Keep small talk during that call to a minimum, ask her out for coffee/movie etc. The primary reason for the first call is to ask her out, don’t beat around the bush.

Practice in front of the mirror and buy the book: Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship by David Givens

I guarantee you will get rejected, learn from the experience and move on. The right girl for you is waiting for you.

Good luck :hug1:
 
I will make a long story as short as possible.
My husband’s nephew was the most inept, shy, totally clueless boy about girls you can possibly imagine, he had a list several pages long on what he thought a girl should be like. He would tell the stupidest jokes imaginable and then laugh at them. He was a good kid. He was good-looking and he was the most wonderful uncle you could imagine. He seldom if ever dated. Well, when he was 37 years old - confirmed quiet bachelor he met THE ONE. They fell in love hook line and sinker. They now have 2 beautiful little girls. He is the daddy of the year. When ever I see him with his girls and can’t help but laugh. Oh, is this quiet shy man in for a ride when they are teenagers. They adore him.

His wife recognized what was good, honest and kind in him. She straighten him out about that stupid list he always carried around in his head. But, even though he didn’t know it, she is what he was looking for. She doesn’t play games with him. She is as honest as he is. She was worth the wait.

So don’t despair. It took him awhile to grow up. He waited for the right girl. It has been the most beautiful love story our family has ever been able to witness.

Set high standards for your behavior. Be the kind of person you will want your future wife to love and respect.
 
Thank you everyone for your elaborate responses and solid advice. I feel better now.

God bless.
 
We’re all awkward and insufficient without God, but while sin is bad, it still actually is okay to be only human. Unlike the success propaganda in the media and mass culture. Also great people throughout history tended to have some massive handicaps in some area(s) other than the one or two (or five, still a very finite number) they excelled at.

For example Richard III was a mighty fine warrior king, but he was a hunchback. The other side of the coin is that he managed to become a freaking warrior king despite being a hunchback (or perhaps because of it, but let’s keep the psychobabble in check).

Given access to food Einstein would eat until you told him to stop.

And the most talented scientists, artists, writers etc. (probably even doctors, lawyers and other professionals) tend to fall at least a little bit shy of clinically sane.

With time, I’ve learnt to accept some of my own quirks and laugh at them. They are pretty funny, actually, some of them. Don’t look down on yourself because of yours.
 
I can pretty much relate to what you are saying; when I was in my early twenties I felt the same as you describe yourself: awkward and insufficient. I think what I eventually learned is that I was overthinking things and was insecure in myself. I was always terrified either of saying the wrong thing, giving the wrong impression, or maybe running out of things to talk about. I felt like I was incapable of saying/doing anything right, and at times I genuinely thought that my friends were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me or wanted to be nice (which wasn’t even true). Even when people complimented me, I had no idea how to receive their praise, my self esteem was so low. In the end it all boiled down to a lack of self confidence. I have a secret for you, people don’t actually tend to read things into your words or actions as much as you may think. Even when you say or do something stupid, people usually don’t care or hold it against you. I remember how I would beat myself up for weeks over something I said or did, then I would find out later that it really wasn’t that big of a deal to other people. Here’s another secret. When you do mess up, don’t beat yourself up. If you think you have offended someone, for example, ask if you have offended them, and apologize if necessary. You aren’t a bad person for having offended someone or making a mistake, especially if you apologize for it afterwards: that is impressive. If someone criticizes you, don’t let it hurt you. If it is a valid criticism, then consider it a favor, if not, blow it off. You should never feel like you need other people’s approval in order to be happy or feel secure. You should never feel like you should have to earn other people’s respect, you should expect it of them. When you do this, people will almost always respect you.

I think that I really overcame this feeling of awkwardness and lack of confidence when I graduated college and got a job. Living in a new city as a bachelor and with an interesting job, I now had new experiences I hadn’t had before, I was developing interests and hobbies that connected me with other people, and my mind was always exploring new avenues. This increased my own confidence and made me feel more secure when talking to others and when people asked me questions about myself I could give confident answers. And I am able to ask people questions about themselves and take genuine interest in them, and when they do the same to me, I have enough insight to know how to talk about my job or hobbies with someone who is not knowledgeable so that I don’t bore them, and how to keep a conversation give-and-take. I never feel insecure or awkward in conversations anymore, and I don’t find myself avoiding social situations anymore. And what’s more, people actually like me. I mean, people genuinely like me and they tell me this to my face. Even then, while it feels good to hear this from people, I don’t need to hear this in order to feel “worthy” or “fulfilled.” I simply accept it and give praise where I feel it is due.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t like about yourself, focus on the things you like and find confidence in that.
 
Hey, by the way, when it comes to girls, I would try to interact with them more in person instead of facebook chat. For one thing facebook chat isn’t personal. For another thing it is better to talk to people in person than in chat as you can read their expressions and gauge what they are thinking. This is very important when you talk to girls because you can get an idea of whether they seem interested or not. Also if a girl rejects you, don’t take it personally. There are lots of fish in the sea. Just because one girl doesn’t like you doesn’t mean you are inadequate or “insufficient.” Attraction is a weird thing, very unpredictable.
 
Meet and interact with girls in a non-dating environment. There are so many interesting things to do. Photography, music, charity work etc. Find an interest that takes you out of the house and away from the computer. Make friends with girls just as friends. My next bit of advice applies to both men and women. Don’t walk around waiting and looking for Mr. or Miss Right. Don’t look at every girl as a possibility but as just a person you would like to get to know.
 
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