I feel farther away from God than ever before

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nocoastlayman

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Hi everyone, this is my first post on here so be nice!

I’m currently a young man who’s got his first full time job and I just moved to a new small town. I was so happy to move because I spent a few years after school looking for a job in my field (I’m a teacher) and I finally found one and I was just happy to move out and stop living at home. But now I feel down on the good days and just completely miserable on the bad days. I want to get another job but I don’t know what to do and I worry i’m already on the wrong path.

I’m currently in a parish that while devoutly Catholic, doesn’t have a lot to offer. We do have some activities that are typical of a small parish but there isn’t much fellowship. We also only have adoration once a month and I just feel like people are not as warm as I thought they would be. People are nice, but only in the general sense.

Part of the problem is too that my job makes me depressed. On the good days i tolerate it but on bad days its bad enough that I wish I could just walk out. I’m sure I have depression and anxiety because I worry all the time that I’m not good enough and that i’ll be fired and that i’ll have to move back home at 26 and that i’ll just have a life of underemployment. Its tough because I know i’m smart and I probably could restart but i’m afraid that if I try something new that I won’t like it and that at 40 I won’t have a solid job and just be some flakey person who doesn’t know what he wants.

Its at times like this I turn to God but lately I feel like God doesn’t care. I almost see him as like a drill sergeant who would tell me “Oh boo hoo your sad, so what, there are people who have it worse than you. Suck it up and go to mass you big baby”. I know God cares for my suffering but anymore I don’t feel like God cares and it makes me turn to him less. Other than mass I hardly pray and if I try I get frustrated because it feels like God doesn’t want to talk to me.

I also wonder why God can’t just talk to me in a clear voice and tell me what to do? I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. When i’m at mass I feel like sometimes I’m called to be a priest, but then i’m worried that I’m just using it as an escape. I also wonder if I want to be married and am currently texting someone I met on a Catholic site, but I just don’t know what to do and a lot of it is related to my job. I feel like my job was never my passion and I just did it just because I needed to do something and since my mother did the same job i’d be good at it. A lot of times I worry God is just going to let me suffer and end up in a minimum wage job and be miserable and that the only joy i’ll experience is when I die and hopefully go to heaven (strangely enough I feel confident enough that i’ll at least get to purgatory since I live a pretty moral life even though i’m sure this is pride)

So sorry for the long text but i just am full of a lot of questions and deep thoughts and melancholy and I just wish sometimes God would give me an answer and a clear answer. Like if he just said “Nocoast, go be a priest” or “Get married” or “this is the job you should be in” but I know that God isn’t a vending machine and he probably will never tell me, even though i feel at times like I just don’t know what he wants. I want more than just scripture since to me its basic (for me its not hard to live a good life) and not a challenge to live morally.

Thanks

Nocoastlayman
 
I don’t really have much advice, but I feel for you. I certainly get the issues with work too, as I’ve struggled with that and often have a 3 year itch where I need a change. Undergoing it right now, in fact.

The advice I’ve been given over and over is more to follow your passion. Depending on how that plays out, I don’t know that it is necessarily selfish. Your passion is unique to you, and God made you and your talents, therefore… :newidea:

I get that it is certainly difficult to do, sometimes.
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.
 
I also am praying for you!!! New jobs can be extraordinary in terms of stress. Excess job novelty… etc. Please allow yourself enough time to make an informed decision.
 
Praying for you, too, for strength, faith, peace, hope and love. I pray that it gets easier as each day goes by. Don’t be afraid to tell God how you feel about your life and your prayer life…

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.
 
Perhaps nothing I will say will be helpful… but I had some thoughts about your conundrum so I am sharing them with you.

Yes, there are some people who get to feel a “call” from God about whatever He wants them to do… maybe they even hear an audible voice or have some unmistakable sign. One such person was Mother Teresa,
Starting in 1946, she experienced several mystical encounters with Jesus, whom she called “the Voice,” asking her to serve “the poorest of the poor.”
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christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/augustweb-only/135-43.0.html
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yet even though she felt a special “call…” she felt horrible and far from God.
in 1956: “Such deep longing for God – and … repulsed – empty – no faith – no love – no zeal. (Saving) souls holds no attraction – Heaven means nothing – pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”
in.reuters.com/article/2007/08/24/idINIndia-29140020070824
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What I am trying to say is… even if you do find special call or something you think you will be passionate about, you may sometimes feel as horrible as you do as a teacher.

Not to say you must remain a teacher. I just think that feeling depressed is not necessarily a reason to abandon one’s “career.” One needs a stronger reason than that. For depression can follow you everywhere… my “career” of seeking truth sometimes brings me great joy, and other times suicidal thoughts.

I think you must ask yourself–why am I here, being a teacher? Is it for me, because I feel like I have to, or is it for the people I am teaching… for perhaps there is someone who loves to teach, who would be delighted to teach, but who does not have that chance because you are in that job right now. What is better for the students–someone who delights in teaching them, or someone who does it because he has to?

Indeed, whatever choice you make–marriage, priesthood, teaching, whatever it is–I think there will be an element of uncertainty involved. God will probably not make things clear to you. You will have to make a choice and entrust it to God, even if you do not know what you are doing. That is what I am doing every day of my life… continuing to exist, continuing to “seek the truth” even though I know 90% of the world’s population does not have the time or brains to care about it… I do it not because I know or feel that God has called me… but I choose to do it because no matter what I do, I will never feel sure. So i have learned to live with that uncertainty and give it over to God even if I feel like Mother Teresa–very depressed and like God is not there. If He is omniscient, he knows what will become of our choices. We cannot control the outcome, and so we are always taking risks every day of our lives. It is a risk for you to remain a teacher. It is a risk for you to walk away from teaching. But you can think in your human, limited way the pros and cons of remaining a teacher or of leaving that job. And I advise you to make your decision based on those pros and cons.

Ha, I feel uncertain posting this… but I post it anyway.
 
have you been like this all your life? i would suggest a talk with your pastor. remember, when you do your job, do it as if for the Lord. why are you worrying about your future? why do you dislike your job?it makes no sense to want to quit, and worry about being fired at the same time. God loves you, and is with you and watching over you. can’t you spend time in adoration on your own? i will pray that God gives you peace. God bless!
 
Starting a new teaching job in a small town as a young single person and newer teacher is not easy, in fact it’s very, very stressful at first for almost all people. It is lonely, students challenge you, as they do to ALL new teachers and it just takes time within a small parish like that to feel at home because your contact is just at Mass on Sunday. (I am from a small town and grew up in a parish like you mentioned. Also I am a teacher.)

So many teachers at the beginning of teaching feel they want to quit. In your case you also are questioning if this is your profession at all.

Here are some little suggestions. Try to hang on just day by day for this school year. If you quit you will be unemployed, you will not have the opportunity to experience teaching getting “easier” as students start little by little to accept you when they see you are not going anywhere and you do not have as of yet a clear path to follow. This means God wants you right where you are for now. To be able to do this each day call on The Lord. Your prayer can be. “Lord, help!, Lord help!, Lord, help!” Or something similar. Say it in the morning, say it at night, say it as the students challenge you, say it when you feel the depressed feeling coming over you.

Next you need some human support too, so keep your eyes open for the empathetic teacher in your school. All teachers know what it is like to be the first year teacher at a new school. It maybe the experienced elder teacher or it maybe the teacher that was the new teacher two years ago that can help support you. They may very well understand too that you aren’t sure at all you want to keep doing this. The other teachers know the students and what works well as far as discipline or inspiration.

For weekends get a spiritual book to start to read, listen to Mathew Kelly or Scott Hahn. Have your bible near your bed. Open it to Psalms. Start to read a line or two, no matter if you feel like it or not. Also reading a book about the struggles of teaching first year in a small town may help you keep perspective after a rough week.

Later at the end of the school year you can reflect about your life and if teaching is for you or not. For now God has you right where He wants you, it may be to learn about the struggles of loneliness or depression of others. He maybe teaching you something important for your future profession or how many people don’t have access to various spiritual programs at their parish, but they have to learn to live a devoted life without. Maybe God is preparing you for the priesthood. Priests certainly have to do alot of teaching. Now you are in the midst of learning about what God wants you to learn about, later you will be able to understand it.

God bless you.
 
I would suggest two things to start. Start journaling if you haven’t already. Each day take 5 minutes in prayer to thank God for your day and to write down things you’ve noticed. Examples: answers to prayers, feelings/thoughts/dreams/feelings or thoughts during prayer, any odd coincidences where God may be intervening in your life.

I find we don’t always give God due credit because after a while we begin to stop looking. Prayer helps melt our hearts and journaling helps us recall.

Also, I don’t know if its fully warranted…but I just want to bring this up: It MAY be a reasonable idea for you to have your primary doctor do a little blood work to see if any of your neurotransmitters/hormones/vitamins are off. You may be in some kind of state of clinical depression. If that is true, getting that fixed up will help everything else fall into place.

God bless
 
MichaelHowling said:
I would suggest two things to start. Start journaling if you haven’t already. Each day take 5 minutes in prayer to thank God for your day and to write down things you’ve noticed. Examples: answers to prayers, feelings/thoughts/dreams/feelings or thoughts during prayer, any odd coincidences where God may be intervening in your life.

I find we don’t always give God due credit because after a while we begin to stop looking. Prayer helps melt our hearts and journaling helps us recall.

Also, I don’t know if its fully warranted…but I just want to bring this up: It MAY be a reasonable idea for you to have your primary doctor do a little blood work to see if any of your neurotransmitters/hormones/vitamins are off. You may be in some kind of state of clinical depression. If that is true, getting that fixed up will help everything else fall into place.

God bless
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You’ve been given some wonderful advice, OP, and I second the thought of a visit to a Dr to be evaluated for anxiety and depression. You will be in my prayers.
Mary.
 
bisco said:
have you been like this all your life? i would suggest a talk with your pastor. remember, when you do your job, do it as if for the Lord. why are you worrying about your future? why do you dislike your job?it makes no sense to want to quit, and worry about being fired at the same time. God loves you, and is with you and watching over you. can’t you spend time in adoration on your own? i will pray that God gives you peace. God bless!
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First of all my church doesn’t have perpetual adoration and If you mean’t just visiting Jesus on my own its not possible in terms of having eucharistic adoration.

I guess I’m worried because i’m not really enamored with my job, but I feel like I should just stick with my choice and keep teaching even if I hate it, so I worry that i’ll get fired because i’m not any good and that I can’t do anything else except hard labor or minimum wage type stuff. I’m very much worried about status and i worry that if I go back home at my age to live my family that I’m a loser who can’t hold a real job or handle real stress since every job has stress. I’m so worried that I just can’t handle it and get depressed when I encounter certain issues.

I have always been someone who’s worried about my future and I really don’t know why. I find it impossible to not worry about things in my life and I feel like that if I didn’t worry about things and wasn’t stressed, i’d be some lazy butt on the couch not doing anything. I feel like its hard to relax. I also seem to always have an active mind that goes on random tangents. Its weird because even when i’m tired my mind still is on random mode but i’m able to get to sleep because i’m so tired and thinking distracts me from other things.

The thing that has only been recently affecting me is how this all relates to God. I guess with all the indecision and struggle in my life I want to turn to God and make my rock, but it feels like anymore I’m just guessing and most folks are just guessing. I wish sometimes God would just give me an outline of what to do, especially when it comes to my life. I know about how to be moral and all that but I just feel like there should be more and that I should be happier, but i’m not. My only happiness comes from the fact that when I die i at least have a chance of heaven.

And just one more thing. Someone mentioned Mother Theresa, which is great because in a way I can identify with her. I haven’t really felt the presence of God and when I do its good but its not like anything’s revealed other than God exists and he’s there. I know that sounds like enough but I just feel like God is the type of person who would see a homeless person and instead of giving them food or shelter would tell them just to pray more and go to mass. Not that praying more or going to mass won’t help but just having those aren’t enough to keep a person fed.

I guess all I want is just to feel like God cares and has a plan because I feel like sometimes i’m just wandering around with a blindfold not knowing where to go even though I know God is there. Thats another thing too, intellectually I know God is there but in my heart I feel like he’s not there or at least not caring
 
I think you’re putting too much emphasis on feelings.

Feelings have nothing to do with your will.

You may be experiencing an important part in the spiritual journey. Often, God can permit you to “feel” Him all the time. He usually does at first and then it will go dry…it helps us strengthen our resolve to love Him.

The spiritual life can be like a baby taking its first steps. The father helps it and encourages, and then will take his hands away to let the baby try to take a few steps…as it falls…the Father scoops you up.
 
MichaelHowling said:
I think you’re putting too much emphasis on feelings.

Feelings have nothing to do with your will.

You may be experiencing an important part in the spiritual journey. Often, God can permit you to “feel” Him all the time. He usually does at first and then it will go dry…it helps us strengthen our resolve to love Him.

The spiritual life can be like a baby taking its first steps. The father helps it and encourages, and then will take his hands away to let the baby try to take a few steps…as it falls…the Father scoops you up.
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Thanks, i’ve heard that a lot lately. I know I need to focus less on feelings. Are there any Catholic books on how to suppress them or something like that.
 
Nothing comes to mind.

You don’t want to suppress… you just don’t want to focus on them as being evidence of Gods love/advancement spiritually etc etc

Know that a lot of Saints have went through this (lol…you’re in good company).

Quick little story for ya.

A man prayed to his guardian angel one night: "wow! Guardian angel! How must it be to be like you! How amazing to be before God and to feel His presence and love all the time! How must you love Him! To never shrink from His will! "

The man was surprised to hear a voice: " You’re right! it is amazing! and I love God sooo much…loving Him consumes me!"

The man said " How does it feel to love Him that much and to know He loves you back"

…there was silence

The man asked again and the angel answered back " feel ?? "

“I don’t have a body … I don’t FEEL anything”

Lesson: Loving and being loved has NOTHING to do with feelings. If angelic loving or being loved by God isin’t good enough for you…then something is wrong :cool:

It’s kind of a deep read…but if you can handle it… I suggest to you St. John of the Cross “dark night of the soul”.

Really helps describe how the soul goes through a purification process and growth.

I suggest to you to start journaling.
Take 5 minutes a day to say a little prayer in thanksgiving for you’re day and write a few notes on how your day went. Spiritual accomplishments of yours, thoughts/feelings during prayer, those moments God intervened in your life that day etc etc.

It helps us be more mindful of what God does in our lives… we sometimes stop looking and acknowledging the movements of the Holy Spirit and we can become discouraged.

Your prayer to God should be that you want to love Him as He is for His own sake.

God bless
 
Nocoastlayman! You kind of mentioned that we are all kind of guessing how to help you. Some of us have spiritual ideas, others medical ideas, and some others practical steps for possible help. I think you are right we are guessing along with you to help.

After reading your last post I thought about all the healthy young men at 26 that I know or have known well. I thought about their way of thinking. Certainly almost all were very excited about finishing the university, getting out of their parents house and also landing their first job. Many times the job involved stress or moral challenges, but I can’t think of anyone that was worrying about everything would turn out awful or feeling that certianly they would be fired or they would end up in a deadend job with low pay for the rest of their life.Most thought things would get better in the future in spite of many real, real problems. For example, sick mom to support, cars breaking down with no way to get to work, low pay with not enough hours, younger brother to support in the university, immigration issues etc. Often these young men were thinking of solutions to their problems and not depressed. The only reason for me to mention this is I want to illustrate that your thinking isn’t normal healthy thinking. i dont think thats your fault at all. This really is a sign that the suggestion to go to the doctor would be very valuable. You may have a thyroid problem, you may have an anxiety disorder or clinical depression or something else that can be treated with medicine or counseling or change of diet/exercise/sunlight exposure etc. Please take care and God bless you. I hope you can live a life with normal ups and downs, not full of anxiety and worry at 26!
 
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