I feel hopeless and don't want to live anymore

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Nabooru

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You may remember that I’m on a new depression treatment. I’ve been on it for three days. Not only is my insurance company refusing to cover it still, insisting I stay on the old non-working drugs I’ve been on, but so far this one has proven useless too. Even after moving up to a bilateral ECT treatment as of yesterday I still feel as though my heart, brain and soul is incapable of feeling anything but misery and fear and worry.

I’ve had it. I cannot tolerate this pain anymore. It’s non-stop, no one seems to have time to care about or relate to my suffering, which no matter what I do are perpetually present.

Yesterday I had my first bilateral ECT treatment. Initially I was feeling, I guess you’d say, decent - not on top of the world but not beneath it either. By the end of the day, I was feeling nervous and depressed enough that I had taken about five or six Xanax and drunk three glasses of wine. I just wanted to numb everything. Still do.

I stayed up until 3:30 am, went to bed, and ended up wetting it since I couldn’t wake up in time; ended up sleeping for about twelve hours. My mattress is ruined and I need to buy another one with the pennies I’ve been making at work since I’ve missed so many days due to my ECT treatments. I didn’t go out and get one yet. Instead I stayed home, played along when my father picked fights with me, then cried and cried and cried and cried. I feel so indescribably bad. I’m also out of wine. I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t care whether or not it hurts me. I just want it to numb me.

As an aside, but equal source of frustration, before and while I was in the hospital, they kept testing my thyroid to determine why I was not only depressed and anxious but also had no appetite despite an inability to lose weight, dry skin, soreness, and occasional tachycardia. The results kept coming back up and down, up and down, high TSH, then normal TSH, then high. Apparently in the medical community, the rule goes that you keep testing while you get abnormal results back, ignore any actual symptoms the patient is having (numbers are all that matters, I guess), then stop as soon as you get a normal result and then tell the patient that there was never anything wrong with them, earlier results be damned.

I was feeling much better even in the hospital than I am now. I have to wonder that since my appetite is lower than ever and no matter what high-end depression treatment I get, it proves useless, my thyroid might be nosediving, but of course my doctor won’t test my blood, instead recommending me to an endocrinologist whom I can’t see for a month. And since I’ve been ignored so much I’m afraid I just will be again.

I ended up ordering Armour thyroid medication online just because again I am SO desperate to just see if it might help me. Probably won’t. I’ve lost all hope.

I’m almost completely out of my faith in God, or really in anything good. I’ve been told God is testing me but that just makes me hate Him, if I even believe He exists anymore. My priest’s prayer for me is that I forget about myself and only get happiness from God. I don’t think I’m capable of even feeling anything but misery and hopelessness anymore. I don’t want to live.

Please pray that is God is there, He realizes I’ve suffered too much already. That he helps, blesses and cures me, or at least that I get treatment I need. Otherwise I’ll just assume He’s experimenting with how long my life can be a living hell before I end it.
 
***Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death
Amen.

:crossrc:***
 
Nabooru - I am also putting you in my ongoing prayer intentions. My the Lord walk beside you!

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.
 
Mother Mary, please pray for Nabooru.
:gopray:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, including Nabooru, right now! Amen.
:gopray:
St. Dymphna, pray for Nabooru.
 
Alcohol (wine/beer/liquor) is actually a depressant medication---- as long as you keep drinking it I am doubtful your anti-depressant medications will work properly.

And if you are mixing alcohol with narcotics to the point you are not able to recognize you need to get up and relieve your bladder, I’d say you probably need to take a look at that and be screened for a potential substance abuse issue.

In addition, you may accidentally overdose— which from the example you shared it sounds like a distinct possibility.

I pray you speak to a therapist asap and let them know exactly what is going on ---- maybe share your email with them. I am praying for you.
 
It is false theology to say that human suffering is a test. A God who would make creatures squirm in pain to see how tough they are or how much torture they can take is not worthy of worship. That is a cruel God who should be despised.

During Lent we remember the Passion of Christ and Mary’s heart pierced with sorrow. Jesus was tortured to death for the redemption of the world. He is the eternal high priest. We are His priestly people, foretold in the Old Testament, a nation of priests. What makes a priest a priest is the offering of sacrifice. Jesus the lamb of God offers Himself as sacrifice. So do we. He says if we are His disciples we have to take up our crosses and follow Him. There is an old Catholic saying. Jesus gives the heaviest crosses to those He loves most.

All of your suffering is valuable. Offer it to Him. He joins it to His for the salvation of souls. We call it redemptive suffering. You can join Him in bringing souls to salvation through your pain. He did not suffer on the cross alone. His mother was there with Him and she will not abandon you either.
 
O Glorious Queen of Heaven and earth, Virgin Most Powerful, thou who have the
power to crush the head of the ancient serpent with thy heel, come and exercise this
power flowing from the grace of thine Immaculate Conception. Shield us under the
mantle of thy purity and love, draw us into the sweet abode of thy heart and
annihilate and render impotent the forces bent on destroying us. Come Most
Sovereign Mistress of the Holy Angels and Mistress of the Most Holy Rosary, thou
who from the very beginning hast received from God the power and the mission to
crush the head of Satan. We humbly beseech thee, send forth thy holy legions, that
under thy command and by thy power they may pursue the evil spirits, encounter
them on every side, resist their bold attacks and drive them far from us, harming no
one on the way, binding them immobile to the foot of the Cross to be judged and
sentenced by Jesus Christ Thy Son and to be disposed of by Him as He wills. St.
Joseph, Patron of the Universal Church, come to our aid in this grave battle against
the forces of darkness, repel the attacks of the devil and free your son (daughter) N.,
from the strong hold the enemy has upon his (her) soul. St. Michael, summon the
entire heavenly court to engage their forces in this fierce battle against the powers
of hell. Come O Prince of Heaven with thy mighty sword and thrust into hell Satan
and all the other evil spirits. O Guardian Angels, guide and protect us. Amen.
 
I am praying for you. God is there and loves you very much! However, since this could be a spiritual attack as well as physical, I am also posting the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel. Remember to also pray to your guardian angel…that angel is always there with you. Do not give up. Stay with it and pray through it. Things will get better. Blessings!

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle; be our defense against the
wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do
thou, O prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into hell Satan and
all evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen
 
Hang in there. We are all praying for you and that you can be relieved of your burden. There IS a end to your suffering, and God will deliver you from your torment. Just hold on for another day, another week. Hold on. Make a list of things you dream of doing. Do you want to go to Paris? Maybe you’ve always wanted to finish a 5K without walking or stopping. What are some of your best memories? Think about all the memories you will make. Put in a movie and make some popcorn if you can. Or go out and go for a jog. Pray to the God you’re not sure of. Just breathe for a moment. Try to catch a little bit of peace while you’ve got the chance. May God bless you and cleanse you of your pain. Praying for you and will keep you on my mind forever on
 
**Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
mother the abused, neglected or forgotten,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger,
and guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen :gopray: **
 
Nabooru said:
You may remember that I’m on a new depression treatment. I’ve been on it for three days. Not only is my insurance company refusing to cover it still, insisting I stay on the old non-working drugs I’ve been on, but so far this one has proven useless too. Even after moving up to a bilateral ECT treatment as of yesterday I still feel as though my heart, brain and soul is incapable of feeling anything but misery and fear and worry.

I’ve had it. I cannot tolerate this pain anymore. It’s non-stop, no one seems to have time to care about or relate to my suffering, which no matter what I do are perpetually present.

Yesterday I had my first bilateral ECT treatment. Initially I was feeling, I guess you’d say, decent - not on top of the world but not beneath it either. By the end of the day, I was feeling nervous and depressed enough that I had taken about five or six Xanax and drunk three glasses of wine. I just wanted to numb everything. Still do.

I stayed up until 3:30 am, went to bed, and ended up wetting it since I couldn’t wake up in time; ended up sleeping for about twelve hours. My mattress is ruined and I need to buy another one with the pennies I’ve been making at work since I’ve missed so many days due to my ECT treatments. I didn’t go out and get one yet. Instead I stayed home, played along when my father picked fights with me, then cried and cried and cried and cried. I feel so indescribably bad. I’m also out of wine. I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t care whether or not it hurts me. I just want it to numb me.

As an aside, but equal source of frustration, before and while I was in the hospital, they kept testing my thyroid to determine why I was not only depressed and anxious but also had no appetite despite an inability to lose weight, dry skin, soreness, and occasional tachycardia. The results kept coming back up and down, up and down, high TSH, then normal TSH, then high. Apparently in the medical community, the rule goes that you keep testing while you get abnormal results back, ignore any actual symptoms the patient is having (numbers are all that matters, I guess), then stop as soon as you get a normal result and then tell the patient that there was never anything wrong with them, earlier results be damned.

I was feeling much better even in the hospital than I am now. I have to wonder that since my appetite is lower than ever and no matter what high-end depression treatment I get, it proves useless, my thyroid might be nosediving, but of course my doctor won’t test my blood, instead recommending me to an endocrinologist whom I can’t see for a month. And since I’ve been ignored so much I’m afraid I just will be again.

I ended up ordering Armour thyroid medication online just because again I am SO desperate to just see if it might help me. Probably won’t. I’ve lost all hope.

I’m almost completely out of my faith in God, or really in anything good. I’ve been told God is testing me but that just makes me hate Him, if I even believe He exists anymore. My priest’s prayer for me is that I forget about myself and only get happiness from God. I don’t think I’m capable of even feeling anything but misery and hopelessness anymore. I don’t want to live.

Please pray that is God is there, He realizes I’ve suffered too much already. That he helps, blesses and cures me, or at least that I get treatment I need. Otherwise I’ll just assume He’s experimenting with how long my life can be a living hell before I end it.
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:gopray:
 
Nabooru, I struggle with anxiety/depression, too. It’s tough, but there is hope. What works for me is to turn off the negative thinking. If I start going down the road where I feel that I’ll never get better, then that feeling just builds on itself. If, however, I imagine a day where I don’t have to deal with this anymore, then I start to feel hope. I use a bit of guided imagery - just imagine myself peacefully, calmly walking down the street and enjoying nature and the beauty of life, Then, my mood builds on that. I sometimes even imagine that I’m already there. One day at a time with positive thinking and trust in God to guide me, I now believe that this can be overcome. When I think negative, I tell myself that’s from the dark side and not from God. I just have to trust in what the Bible tells me about God and His love for me on those very difficult days. Nabooru, there is hope. It’s difficult to be patient with the therapy, but hang in there!!! I will be praying for you. 👍
 
I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but please know that you are in my prayers.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and in the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
 
To sort out what is going on with you and what is the first priority to your recovery, I don’t know. I don’t even know if your medical professionals are just guessing or really understand you. Going to an endocrinologist could uncover some health issues. You may be hypoglycemic. I do think being checked is a positive step and you do need to know if the thyroid is functioning properly. Do you eat a balanced meal 3 times a day? Do you exercise? Put some music on and dance a bit-it gets the blood circulating. Praying for you, that is all I can do. God bless you and give you strength and courage to get above the “blues”. There are so many things in life that bring happiness–you just have to find what’s right for you, what is God’s will for you.
 
Nabooru said:
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The first thing I want to share with you is this short video (4 minutes) of an apologist named Ravi Zacharias on suicide (He had a failed attempt of commiting suicide in his youth)

youtube.com/watch?v=4VBIARyyNmQ

I would say, please don’t ever even think about taking your own life, it’s the biggest mistake anyone could ever possibly make.

I would also like to ask you to please read this short booklet ‘From Sinai to Calvary’ loveandmercy.org/Eng-FSC-Reg.pdf as I believe it will help you greatly in your sufferings (It contains the Roman Catholic IMPRIMATUR, which assures the reader that nothing therein is contrary to Catholic Faith, Morals or Teaching).
Extract from the book From Sinai to Calvary:
‘From Sinai to Calvary’ loveandmercy.org/Eng-FSC-Reg.pdf

Jesus said: **“Contemplate this scene, My beloved, and learn that My own cannot march through life without a cross. 4) “Go and tell the world what you are learning and, if they want to silence you, shout even louder. Do this for the sake of the power of the love that unites you to Me, which is as united as these two pieces of wood that form an instrument of salvation for all of humanity.
  1. “Tell the consecrated souls that the cross that they wear, is not only to adorn their chests or identify them superficially with Me. First they must gird themselves with the cross and learn to “make themselves comfortable” on it instead of running away from it. Tell them they cannot long for Tabor, if they have not first passed through Golgotha. It is here on the Cross where they will learn charity, humility, poverty of spirit and temperance in all acts of their lives. 6) “Assure them that I give proof and testimony that, the devil can be easily defeated from the experience of the cross. Contemplate Me: I am a true Man, in whom the flesh manifests its limitations, and true God, in demonstrating the relentless force of Agape Love.
  2. “Pray for those who do not know of sufferings, for it is certain that they are not among My own…Observe these two condemned ones who flank Me and meditate on the ways that men carry their crosses. 8) “Some carry it with rage, with bitterness, amidst much grief. He who carries a cross in similar circumstances and with those sentiments, carries for sure a cross, which has no sense because instead of drawing him closer, it pushes him away from Me. Usually that is the cross of those who refuse to understand the meaning of suffering, which takes on supernatural dimensions. That is the cross of the thief at My left, it is the cross which will always be heavy and will never be able to redeem.
  3. “Dismas, on My right, accepts his cross with resignation and even with dignity; he assumes it at first because he has no other recourse. But suddenly, when he recognizes Me and knows that I Am the Son of God, he accepts that cross, acknowledging himself as a sinner, and asking that through it, Mercy remembers him. 10) “Finally, you have Me here in front of you, embracing My redeeming Cross to teach all of you to carry yours. I invite you to be co-redeemers with Me, making reparation for your own sins and those of all mankind. Know that this way of carrying the cross is reflected in your conduct, when before you are difficulties and pains and through them you draw closer to Me and you profit from them to give testimony before men. When you embrace your cross, you can feel that the only thing you desire is strength, because the thirst for souls consumes you."**
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Here Jesus shows the two ways that men carry their crosses. Our crosses are inevitable, we will all have to carry them at some stage in our life, (e.g. Death) some heavier than others, but I certainly know which cross I will prefer to carry, and that is Dismas’ cross, humbly recognising himself as a sinner and asking that though his sufferings, mercy remembers him. It’s in this way of carrying the cross that warrented such a reply from our lord *“I promise that today you will be with me in paradise.” *and allowed the condemned theif Dismas on the right side of Jesus to steal paradise - Luke 23:32-43

The cross is where the Devil wins many of his followers, but rest assured that the Devil can be easily defeated through the experience of the cross.
Jesus Speaks about His Suffering and Death:
Matthew 16:21-23

21 From then on, Jesus began telling his disciples what would happen to him. He said, “I must go to Jerusalem. There the nation’s leaders, the chief priests, and the teachers of the Law of Moses will make me suffer terribly. I will be killed, but three days later I will rise to life.”

22 Peter took Jesus aside and told him to stop talking like that. He said, “God would never let this happen to you, Lord!”

23 Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Satan, get away from me! You’re in my way because you think like everyone else and not like God.”
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It is Satan in the book of Job that tells God that the only reason Job serves him is because he avoids the cross, Satan basically say’s “Wait until he is faced with the cross and he will curse you to your face.”

God loves you very much. Those who partake in Christ’s cross also partake in his Glory.

On the cross we make reparations for our own sins and those of all mankind, we share in Christ’s redemptive sacrafice, and in his Glory, The Devil can be easily defeated through the experience of the cross. The cross is the last attempt for the Devil at winning us over. The Devil is powerless against those who embrace the Cross as Christ did.

Unite your Cross with Christ’s, he will give you the God given strength to survive it.

:gopray:

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
Nabooru said:
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I would also like to ask you to please read these previous posts -

Post 1 - forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11745799&postcount=63
Post 2 - forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11745801&postcount=64
Post 3 - forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11761870&postcount=76
My Broken Christ Walks Over the Waters:
My Broken Christ Walks Over the Waters - loveandmercy.org/Eng-MBC-Reg.pdf

Do you know, my friend, why sometimes our Cross becomes intolerable? Do you know why it can end up becoming desperation and suicide? Because in that circumstance our Cross is a Cross alone, with no Christ, and we can only tolerate a Cross when it carries a Christ on its arms. A lay Cross without the blood or the love of God is absurd. It is senseless. So, I have an idea. I have a Christ without a Cross, and you perhaps have a Cross without Christ. Both are incomplete.

My Christ does not rest because He is missing His Cross. You cannot bear your Cross because it is missing Christ. Why do you not give your empty Cross to Christ tonight? You have a Cross by itself, empty, freezing cold, black, senseless. I understand you. To suffer like that is something irrational and I do not comprehend how you have been able to tolerate it for so long. You have the remedy in your hands… Come on, give me that Cross of yours. Give it to me. I give you in exchange this Christ without rest and without a Cross. Take it, it is yours. Give Him your Cross. Take my Christ. Put them together. Nail them, embrace them and everything will be different.

My broken Christ rests on your Cross. Your Cross becomes softer with my Christ on it. We have found a Cross. Ours, which happens to be that of Christ’s…
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Extract from the book From Divine Providence:
Divine Providence - loveandmercy.org/Eng-DP-Reg.pdf

During my prayers on the 23rd, the Lord, knowing that I was feeling very much alone, spoke to me and said: 2) “My beloved, here I am, responding to your call. However, not even for an instant have I abandoned you… You are seemingly alone but I am with you. 3) “Think of My anguish in the garden; I felt alone.
4) “Are you afraid? So was I.
5) “Do you need to talk to someone? Talk to Me.
6) “Do you need a hand to caress you? Here are Mine.
7) “Do you need a shoulder on which to cry? Do so on Mine and I will dry your tears with My kisses… Your tears will blend with Mine. I am not indifferent to your sufferings.
8) “Do you need someone’s company to pray with you? Here you have My Saints and My Angels… Offer Me your patience in this life of exile and, thus, each time that I come looking for you, you will be free of grief and able to enjoy great interior peace.
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I would like to share with you the links to 4 short books on Jesus’ passion that I have been quoting. They will help you greatly in your sufferings.

Books on the Passion
The Stations of The Cross - loveandmercy.org/Eng-SOC-Reg.pdf
From Sinai to Calvary - loveandmercy.org/Eng-FSC-Reg.pdf
The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf
I Have Given My Life for You - loveandmercy.org/Eng-IHG-Reg.pdf

They all contain the Roman Catholic IMPRIMATUR, which assures the reader that nothing therein is contrary to Catholic Faith, Morals or Teaching.

Please do not forget, Jesus loves you very much and he is not indifferent to your sufferings.

God Bless you.

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
I’m praying for you and will offer my Mass intentions for you today.
 
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