I feel just horrible

[Anglewannabe]

I am so humiliated by this situation, I just want to burry my head in the sand.

I was set up on a date. I have not been to a restaurant with a man in Lord knows how long. And needless to say, this guy just did not seem to be someone I would care to have as a boyfriend. However, it was very apparent he was a genuine person with feelings and a good heart.

At first I was polite and going along with the small talk. After a while, I just no longer cared to share anything about myself with him. I think he sensed I was nervous and just kept talking about himself. I suspect he is one of those people who just does not like silence.

The more he talked, the more I felt guilty. This poor man was obviously on his best behaviour and there was just no way he was going to win me over. He asked me if I wanted desert to which I replied ‘I think we should get the bill, should we ask for separate bills’, he said ‘it is OK, I asked you’

So when it was time to leave, I said ‘I am very sorry for any inconvenience I have caused you’ and walked to my car and left.

I feel so bad, but I just did not want to get into a long discussion about making future plans or an akward good bye. I just wanted to leave ASAP. To be honest, I think what I feel the worse about is this poor man ended up paying for my meal. I am not in the best of financial situations so I just assume everybody is as low on cash as me.

Not sure there is anything amends I could possible make here. I almost feel like I need to go to confession here

Angie

 

[Xantippe]

I am so humiliated by this situation, I just want to burry my head in the sand.

I was set up on a date. I have not been to a restaurant with a man in Lord knows how long. And needless to say, this guy just did not seem to be someone I would care to have as a boyfriend. However, it was very apparent he was a genuine person with feelings and a good heart.

At first I was polite and going along with the small talk. After a while, I just no longer cared to share anything about myself with him. I think he sensed I was nervous and just kept talking about himself. I suspect he is one of those people who just does not like silence.

The more he talked, the more I felt guilty. This poor man was obviously on his best behaviour and there was just no way he was going to win me over. He asked me if I wanted desert to which I replied ‘I think we should get the bill, should we ask for separate bills’, he said ‘it is OK, I asked you’

So when it was time to leave, I said ‘I am very sorry for any inconvenience I have caused you’ and walked to my car and left.

I feel so bad, but I just did not want to get into a long discussion about making future plans or an akward good bye. I just wanted to leave ASAP. To be honest, I think what I feel the worse about is this poor man ended up paying for my meal. I am not in the best of financial situations so I just assume everybody is as low on cash as me.

Not sure there is anything amends I could possible make here. I almost feel like I need to go to confession here

Angie

If he asked you out and he chose the restaurant, then presumably he was prepared to cover the cost of dinner for two. Don’t feel bad about that part.

The “inconvenience” line was pretty cold, but it did have the merit of being VERY clear.

This experience is probably a good argument against dinner dates with people we don’t already know at least a little.

BEL had some good advice earlier (I think from her mom) suggesting reversing the traditional order of dinner + movie–do a movie, then go to dinner and have something to talk about. You might benefit from doing something similar in future–some form of entertainment, followed by lunch or dinner. (And if it’s really bad, you can always bail after the entertainment.) That formula might save you from this sort of situation.

Better luck next time! You may wish to memorize some polite phrases so that in future, you won’t accidentally blurt out something inappropriate.

By the way, I’ve been in restaurants before and been within earshot of dates (I’m guessing) where one person is doing 80-90% of the talking. So awkward! But not uncommon at all.

 

[Beryllos]

Sorry about your uncomfortable date. It doesn’t seem to me that amends are necessary. Blind dates (or set up, as you say) can be that way.

 

[Isca]

I don’t think blind dinner dates are a very good idea, really - at least, not when it’s just the two of you. If you instantly know on meeting the person that you wouldn’t want to be on a date with them, then you’re a bit stuck, as you found. Better to meet with someone as part of a more casual arrangement, with another couple perhaps. Then the second meeting can be a date, if you think it might be nice.

Going for coffee is also a better idea than a meal - it isn’t a big deal and it’s only a short meeting.

Don’t worry about the cost of the meal, it’s not something you need to be anxious about.

 

[EasterJoy]

You did not intend to hurt him in any way. It was just a social situation that each of you would probably like to have back. Do not beat yourself up.

In the future, if someone wants to talk about himself, though, remember that it is not leading him on to just listen to him without offering up tidbits about yourself. That doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. You can allow someone to charm you or interest you without implying that you have any romantic interest whatsoever. Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer have made careers out of it. As it was, though, I don’t think either of you sinned. Not every uncomfortable situation has evil in it, after all. You felt uncertain and fearful, and that kept you each from having a good time. That was no one’s fault, so just let it go. If you don’t want it to happen again, the first remedy is to let go of the fear of it happening again. It is uncomfortable, but awkward moments do no real harm and it are nothing to be afraid of.

If you want to “make things better,” you can write him a note and thank him for being such a gracious host and so nice about your social anxiety. That will let him know that you don’t fault him. That is up to you, though.

 

[Purgatory_Pete]

Going for coffee is also a better idea than a meal - it isn’t a big deal and it’s only a short meeting.

I couldn’t agree more, It’s by far the best way to test the water(so to speak).

And as for the bill, ask yourself this, if the rolls were reversed,
would you have been upset at paying for the meals?
He won’t think anything negative about you for that,
if it was a problem he would have told you to pay for yourself.

God Bless.
:tiphat:

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m sorry it was awkward.

I’ve been in that kind of situation more then once. The problem with me is that I tend to play up the nice factor and it did give the impression that I was interested in another date.

I’d have to gently turn them down after, when they called to try to set up date number two.

My rule of thumb for first time dates is coffee. I hate coffee but I’d order tea or hot chocolate instead.

It’s cheap and you can pay for your own or not feel too guilty if he insists on picking up the tab, it’s quick and immediate (no awkward waiting for a check if the date goes south) and you can make small talk and get a good idea of what kind of a person he/she is before you decide to do a “real” date like dinner and a movie.

So, don’t feel too bad about it. Say a prayer for him.
If you decide to try another date again(with someone else, I assume)…insist on coffee at a nice coffee shop.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m sorry it was awkward.

I’ve been in that kind of situation more then once. The problem with me is that I tend to play up the nice factor and it did give the impression that I was interested in another date.

I’d have to gently turn them down after, when they called to try to set up date number two.

My rule of thumb for first time dates is coffee. I hate coffee but I’d order tea or hot chocolate instead.

It’s cheap and you can pay for your own or not feel too guilty if he insists on picking up the tab, it’s quick and immediate (no awkward waiting for a check if the date goes south) and you can make small talk and get a good idea of what kind of a person he/she is before you decide to do a “real” date like dinner and a movie.

So, don’t feel too bad about it. Say a prayer for him.
If you decide to try another date again(with someone else, I assume)…insist on coffee at a nice coffee shop.

Lots of good points–especially about the dangers of being too nice.

The only concern I have with coffee is that it may be just as hard on shy or anxious people without giving them a chance to shine. Both with the coffee and the dinner, you might not discover compatibilities immediately, just because of the awkwardness invoIved.

I would really encourage adding some sort of active component, so you both don’t have to be effervescent and charming on command. For instance, you could get your coffee or whatever and walk around a strategically chosen area together (public with a lot of people around, naturally). I’ve always found that walks are very conducive to good conversation, without putting as much pressure on the two parties as a face-to-face dinner or coffee.

My first date with my husband was dinner + movie, but we had already talked in person and possibly on the phone. So it wasn’t a completely cold start (“Hey, are you also a carbon-based life-form? Cool!”).

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Oh, and the movie turned out to be very poorly chosen for romance.

It was an Eastern European movie where at the end, all the main characters kill themselves/get arrested/die.

But it was OK.

 

[Anglewannabe]

And as for the bill, ask yourself this, if the rolls were reversed,
would you have been upset at paying for the meals?

I definitely would be upset to drop a whole day’s pay on someone who eats and runs. But then again, he picked the restaurant and if I was doing the asking, I wouldn’t have asked to go somewhere that expensive

Yes, coffee only next time

 

[Anglewannabe]

Oh, and the movie turned out to be very poorly chosen for romance.

It was an Eastern European movie where at the end, all the main characters kill themselves/get arrested/die.

But it was OK.

The date couldn’t have been that bad if it I making for a good story now

 

[Xantippe]

I definitely would be upset to drop a whole day’s pay on someone who eats and runs. But then again, he picked the restaurant and if I was doing the asking, I wouldn’t have asked to go somewhere that expensive

Yes, coffee only next time

Yeah. If you were asking, you wouldn’t have invited anybody to a dinner that cost a whole day’s pay to you (unless it was some sort of very unusual and special occasion).

Also, don’t forget he had dinner, too, so the bill wasn’t all you.

And bear in mind that he may eat in restaurants a lot more than you do and make a lot more than you, so it may not be a big deal to him.

(For other people reading this thread, I think if you know that you are interested in the person and you know something about them, dinner is better than coffee, just because dinner gives you more time than coffee.)

 

[Xantippe]

The date couldn’t have been that bad if it I making for a good story now

I was studying Russian literature at the time, so there were extra incentives to go. It was kind of “work.”

It actually didn’t register me how unromantic the movie was until my future husband mentioned it to me much later.

 

[mcw013]

You did nothing wrong. The last few dates I had with one particular girl was unimaginably terrible.

I would have actually appreciated if she was honest with me in the beginning, even if it meant eating and walking off.

 

[Kelfa28]

Lots of good points–especially about the dangers of being too nice.

The only concern I have with coffee is that it may be just as hard on shy or anxious people without giving them a chance to shine. Both with the coffee and the dinner, you might not discover compatibilities immediately, just because of the awkwardness invoIved.

I would really encourage adding some sort of active component, so you both don’t have to be effervescent and charming on command. For instance, you could get your coffee or whatever and walk around a strategically chosen area together (public with a lot of people around, naturally). I’ve always found that walks are very conducive to good conversation, without putting as much pressure on the two parties as a face-to-face dinner or coffee.

My first date with my husband was dinner + movie, but we had already talked in person and possibly on the phone. So it wasn’t a completely cold start (“Hey, are you also a carbon-based life-form? Cool!”).

Good luck!

Very true.

In all seriousness, I think we would go for a walk or something afterward. Coffee can be quick or can be longer if you are interested and have a lot of things in common with each other.
Some of the coffee places I’d pick would be near the water front and would make for a nice place for a stroll.

I did dinner and a movie for a first date with my husband. But, like you, we had exchanged several e-mails and had more then one phone conversation that indicated we had some things in common and it wouldn’t be completely awkward if we sat down for a nice dinner together.

For the record, we saw Batman Begins when it first came out.
Great date movie…IMHO.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think the easiest way to be introduced to someone new is in a group in which you each have at least one mutual acquaintance. Let the others do the social lifting. Otherwise, you’re being thrown into a date with a total stranger that you did not choose on your own. I don’t know what could be more artificial than that.

 

[Xantippe]

Very true.

In all seriousness, I think we would go for a walk or something afterward. Coffee can be quick or can be longer if you are interested and have a lot of things in common with each other.
Some of the coffee places I’d pick would be near the water front and would make for a nice place for a stroll.

I did dinner and a movie for a first date with my husband. But, like you, we had exchanged several e-mails and had more then one phone conversation that indicated we had some things in common and it wouldn’t be completely awkward if we sat down for a nice dinner together.

For the record, we saw Batman Begins when it first came out.
Great date movie…IMHO.

Funny!

Years ago, I heard a story from a young married couple about their first date. They somehow wound up at an exhibit of modern sculpture. It was very awkward, somewhat relieved by making fun of the exhibits. Come to think of it, that was a good walking-around date.

There are two things I would keep in mind about first dates:

1. the one-hour interview format is actually deceptive–it has no predictive value

(I can’t find the study cite right now, but it has been discovered that in hiring, one hour interviews are not actually helpful. Some good people do not shine in that format, whereas some bad people do.)

1. narcissists are often initially very charming:

psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201001/why-are-narcissists-initially-so-popular

"Narcissists don’t tend to do well in long-term relationships, and suffer from all sorts of intra- and interpersonal problems. Paulhus (1998) found that after the seventh roughly 2.5 hour student work group session, narcissists were rated by the other members of the group as less agreeable, less well adjusted, less warm, and more hostile and arrogant.

“But here’s the kicker (or paradox). In that same study, Paulhus found that after the first meeting, narcissists were rated as more agreeable, conscientious, open, competence, entertaining, and well adjusted by the other members of the group. What a contrast to what the group members thought of the very same narcissistic individuals on the seventh day!”

So, my feeling is that there are a lot of people that ought to get a second date, even if there isn’t initially a lot of chemistry, but that at the same time, we should be more wary of instant initial chemistry, because it is all too often a very synthetic, temporary phenomenon.

 

[Rico_S]

Personally, I think its pretty bad. No reason to be such a cold person to a guy on a first date whom you describe as genuine with a good heart. Totally unnecessary and plenty of other ways to handle it that are less…well…socially cruel.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Personally, I think its pretty bad. No reason to be such a cold person to a guy on a first date whom you describe as genuine with a good heart. Totally unnecessary and plenty of other ways to handle it that are less…well…socially cruel.

I mean this in all sincerity. How could I have handled it better?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think the easiest way to be introduced to someone new is in a group in which you each have at least one mutual acquaintance. Let the others do the social lifting. Otherwise, you’re being thrown into a date with a total stranger that you did not choose on your own. I don’t know what could be more artificial than that.

Well, I have been invited to friend’s house for supper and the husband invited their friend. It was obvious it was a set up neither me or the guy new about. And it was plain akward. Nothing embarrasses me more than a man trying to get to know me with other people watching