I feel like an ungrateful wife

[HoneyBea]

Isn’t there some convant I can run away to?

 

[holyrood]

Right now you are stuck on a “pity pot”, I know as I have been there. When we expect perfection in an imperfect world we will never be satisfied. Try dwelling on the positive you see in your husband and the love you have for him. Sounds like you are both frustrated. Together you can work this out. God bless you.

I would gently suggest that objecting to breaking down doors, which is at least a threat of physical violence, and calling someone b*tch and whore are a far cry from being on a pity pot or expecting perfection. I for one would not be dwelling on the positive in a man who does such things. I’d be letting him know clear as day that such behavior ends now, or I’m leaving. This sounds like a situation with potential for physical harm, and focusing on the positive in this case would be more akin to burying one’s head in the sand.

My prayers are with you, HoneyBea. I think it was asked in another thread (I think it was yours) if he is hitting, or has hit, you.

As to the suggestions of counseling, I’m in full support of counseling, always, before ending things, but I did learn in my own marriage counseling that it only works if both people want it to work, and are willing to make changes.

 

[KrazyKat]

I would gently suggest that objecting to breaking down doors, which is at least a threat of physical violence, and calling someone b*tch and whore are a far cry from being on a pity pot or expecting perfection. I for one would not be dwelling on the positive in a man who does such things. I’d be letting him know clear as day that such behavior ends now, or I’m leaving. This sounds like a situation with potential for physical harm, and focusing on the positive in this case would be more akin to burying one’s head in the sand.

My prayers are with you, HoneyBea. I think it was asked in another thread (I think it was yours) if he is hitting, or has hit, you.

As to the suggestions of counseling, I’m in full support of counseling, always, before ending things, but I did learn in my own marriage counseling that it only works if both people want it to work, and are willing to make changes.

It could very well be as bad as you surmise. Being stuck on Oh poor me, pity pot, does not mean in is not bad, it means you are stuck and continue to rehash all the negative. Honey does come back with a positive in her replies. I have much sympathy for her, I finally decided it was not going to get better and got the nerve to call it quits. The best move I ever made. I was stuck for way too long.

 

[LongingSoul]

Isn’t there some convant I can run away to?

I’ve been involved with an organisation that does much pre and post marriage counselling and course work for around 10 years, but ironically, I don’t have the happiest of marriages… but I always think that my situation could offer a unique perspective to someone.

(Qualifier - my husband has never hit or physically hurt me in any way and I don’t worry about that. He has very occasionally smashed something in anger but the violence towards me was limited to nasty words.)

I’ve also been married for nearly 26 years to someone who’s never taken me on a date, told me he loves me, spoken to me affectionately or bought me gifts that denote I am esteemed as a woman. (Flowers, jewellery, etc). I also spent probably the first 20 years believing that if I was the best wife I could be he would surely realise one day that I really was lovable and he was lucky to have me and would become loving and appreciative towards me. Sometimes in some marriages you have to draw a line in the sand and let go of expectations. I know that is the point a lot of women would leave but I chose to stay. The literal force for staying was for the children, but the idealistic desire, is to honour marriage and be faithful to the God that I have loved and tried to please my entire life.

There is an enormous amount of grief in coming to accept that in this one life you have, you have to let go of the dream (that myself and many women cherish) to know the love of a man for the woman that you are. It’s a long process of acceptance and I’ve only found it workable by keeping God in sight through all the grief and hard times.

What you’ve said here might not be that fanciful. “Isn’t there some convent I can run away to?”… Nearly four years ago I decided to do a weeks silent retreat in a Jesuit monastry with spiritual direction. It was harrowing in many ways but it opened up a whole new world for me. I’ve since done the spiritual exercises of St Ignatius and have continued to see my spiritual director monthly. Pretty much the deepest source of the suffering in my life remains the sadness about the marriage, but I daily take that into my contemplation on the gospels and join that the the suffering of Christ. I had always known that concept and tried to live it… but it is only with this particular suffering that I’ve fully experienced the capacity to turn my suffering to the good. I remember one day feeling like a classic ‘martyr’ in my suffering and asking God ‘how do I embrace this work I’m doing for You’. I suddenly had a thought that if God said to me “Longing Soul, I am giving you this particular cross so that your children don’t have to carry it in their lives”… in a heartbeat, I would pick up my Cross and walk with purpose and drive. I know that God doesn’t make deals like that, but at the end of the day, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. However my sufferings are directed, they are for someones sons and daughters and I can imagine that those children are just as loved and cherished by God as my own.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that why not check out the idea of an Ignatian retreat or the spiritual exercises? We don’t just have these thoughts and ideas without their being a purpose for them.

 

[aicirt]

The only one you can change is yourself. If you don’t assess the situation, you’ll end up having an affair if someone comes along and is nice to you. That is all it will take.

I don’t know if you love him either. You don’t do anything together. He certainly isn’t courting you. You probably are fearful of no one else ever being interested in you.

Don’t do anything rash unless your are physically in danger. Start on yourself and figure out what it is you want in life and what kind of man do you want. Would he be attracted to you right now? If not, start working on yourself.

I’m not saying prepare for an affair. I’m saying that if your husband sees changes in you, he might see you as a different person and start wondering if he wants to lose you. If he doesn’t care, you have your answer.

 

[yellowbird]

Getting you the watch was a sweet gesture. It’s crazy that after all these years together he doesn’t know you wouldn’t appreciate it because it’s not “you” but a lot of men are clueless. This morning I unwrapped disposable mop-head refills my husband gave me as a gift. Seriously - mopping supplies is my Christmas gift after 22 years of marriage. Thankfully my teenage daughters also bought me a charm for a bracelet - and said it was from him. They picked it out for me - and used his credit card. But whatever.

Everyone is right - your problem isn’t the gift - it’s that he puts his hands on you and calls you terrible names. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful that must be.

Figure out a way to get out safely. That’s my advice for the future. For today, say thank you for the stupid watch.

 

[suko]

i thought if I was the perfect wife I could teach him how to love…

If u want to show him how to love, I think at this point, it would be best to try to bring him closer to God (I don’t mean lecturing of course). I mean, is Jesus in his life at all? Do u guys pray together or anything, go to mass together (since it seems u are Catholic), or does he not have religious beliefs? Also, if he is a Christian, perhaps at least (if it’s not dangerous for u two to watch a movie together), u can watch a religious movie once a week or so. But perhaps something not heavily religiously themed (at least not yet), but still Christian themed, and there’s a lot of great ones out there! ~ But the whole point is to start to try to get him thinking a little bit more about God (if he isn’t already ~ I don’t know since I don’t really know your husband).

Anyway, as people have suggested already, counseling sounds like a great idea and all (and I still highly suggest it), but personally, I think without Jesus in a person’s life, I have a feeling it’s going to be difficult for a person to change, much less want to, especially the older they get, and more set in their ways, attitudes and behaviors.

I hope for the best for u and will pray for u!

God bless!

 

[ClearWater]

HoneyBea, can you somehow get counseling, for yourself for now? Your situation sounds like it’ll need to be handled differently, because you’re not in the US, right? You probably won’t have those resources to fall back on.

You would need to weigh all the options, circumstances, resources, and you might benefit from someone to help you, someone who can be objective, know resources.

You need emotional support, no matter how this plays out.

Your husband also needs counseling. He doesn’t sound like the type to recognize he has a problem, though.

Would he consider going to counseling…individual or marriage counseling?

I know, in the US, health insurance sometimes includes counseling, at least a limited number of visits, varies greatly with the type of insurance.

 

[HoneyBea]

Thanks everyone for your concern…it helps me not feel so alone.

Yes, we have been to counseling…lots of couseling without success…what has worked most for us is me staying close to God…prayer has had the most impact thus far on our marriage. Things use to be much worse. My husband does recognize he has a problem so that’s good…I suppose I’m fortunate in that sense…he knows he’s an angry man, quick tempered and a jerk…he wants to change…he has expressed to me he does not want to remain this way…I believe him…and he prays…and we pray together…he converted last Easter to Catholicism…he does make an effort …so that’s why I stay and continue on with hope…I guess it’s my fault,because I am just so worn down after all these years…I have resentment and he continues to be moody and mean and I am just so dang tired of forgiving him and moving on…I guess I just don’t know how much more I can endure…my heart has hardened…I admit I’m not the same wife as I use to be…I no longer cater to his every need…this is not to say he’s not taken care of …because he is…his home is kept…His things are kept…I feed him…he gets sex whenever he wants …Etc…I just no longer do it with enthusiasm as I did when i was in love. I use to get pleasure from pleasing him and now I see it as my duty and my promise to God over our marriage. I’m tired of feeling this way.