I feel like I can't rely on him anymore!

[jillandjack]

Hi I’m new with Catholic Answers Forum. I’ve been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children ranging from 14 to 25. For most of those years, I’ve been happy with our marriage. Most of the time, I’ve been agreeable to my husband. I became a catholic at they time we married because it was either that or he said we couldn’t get married. I was 20 and naive. I was Anglican and in some ways it didn’t seem like a huge stretch for me. We’ve had alot of differences over the years. When I don’t agree with something, there is no discussion. He completely puts a wall up and will not talk. A few years ago we went to Italy to visit his relatives. For 3 weeks, I was ignored until we were alone in our room at night. When we returned home I went through an identity crisis and felt the need to get back to my Anglican roots (my grandparents were Anglicans from England) and I really felt the need to feel like myself again (i know it’s difficult to understand). I spent 6 months going to mass with the kids and then going to a later service at the Anglican Church. For 6 months he wouldn’t talk to me. After praying, and talking to the priest and minister from both sides, I realized that Catholicism was home for me. Then he accepted me again. This keeps happening to us in different areas of our relationship. Other night, our daughter accidently dropped a plate and he lost his patience. She apologized with some sarcasm in her tone. Before I knew it, he grabbed her by the neck. I lost it, and hit his arm until he stopped. He is not usually this bad. We are members of Regnum Christi, a lay movement. He is very involved with the men’s group teaching family. I am tired of always agreeing so that I won’t be shut out. I am lonely and tired of discussing only things that he agrees with. I don’t know what to do. I’m holding on to my faith and trying to pray but I’m struggling. It hasn’t always been bad but when I look at different problems we have, it seems that he’s been very manipulative. Does anyone have advice?

 

[BamaRider]

Hi I’m new with Catholic Answers Forum. I’ve been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children ranging from 14 to 25. For most of those years, I’ve been happy with our marriage. Most of the time, I’ve been agreeable to my husband. I became a catholic at they time we married because it was either that or he said we couldn’t get married. I was 20 and naive. I was Anglican and in some ways it didn’t seem like a huge stretch for me. We’ve had alot of differences over the years. When I don’t agree with something, there is no discussion. He completely puts a wall up and will not talk. A few years ago we went to Italy to visit his relatives. For 3 weeks, I was ignored until we were alone in our room at night. When we returned home I went through an identity crisis and felt the need to get back to my Anglican roots (my grandparents were Anglicans from England) and I really felt the need to feel like myself again (i know it’s difficult to understand). I spent 6 months going to mass with the kids and then going to a later service at the Anglican Church. For 6 months he wouldn’t talk to me. After praying, and talking to the priest and minister from both sides, I realized that Catholicism was home for me. Then he accepted me again. This keeps happening to us in different areas of our relationship. Other night, our daughter accidently dropped a plate and he lost his patience. She apologized with some sarcasm in her tone. Before I knew it, he grabbed her by the neck. I lost it, and hit his arm until he stopped. He is not usually this bad. We are members of Regnum Christi, a lay movement. He is very involved with the men’s group teaching family. I am tired of always agreeing so that I won’t be shut out. I am lonely and tired of discussing only things that he agrees with. I don’t know what to do. I’m holding on to my faith and trying to pray but I’m struggling. It hasn’t always been bad but when I look at different problems we have, it seems that he’s been very manipulative. Does anyone have advice?

Is he a control freak in other areas? Do you have to be accountable to him 24 hrs a day? Does he get way upset if you don’t do what he says? He grabbed your daughter by the neck???

I ask these questions to discern if he is a control freak. Those guys never get better, it only gets worse.

It has been experience in the fire dept, when called to home of domestic problems, we’d usually return at some point.

Y’all have been married a long time, what changed or is this something you’ve known about for years, but hoped would get better?

Has he been verbally abusive? (Which is almost as bad as physical because of how it damages emotionally)

I’m reluctant to offer advice because I’m not a professioanl, which is probably the best course of action for ya right now.

I’m sorry your first post is about something like this. Please keep us posted on what’s going on, and know you have virtual friends here.

 

[1ke]

Will he attend counseling with a holy priest?

He is an abuser. The signs were there from the start with his controling behavior. Clearly he is manipulative, controling, and escalating toward violent.

I would get professional assistance.

 

[SeekerJen]

Other night, our daughter accidently dropped a plate and he lost his patience. She apologized with some sarcasm in her tone. Before I knew it, he grabbed her by the neck. I lost it, and hit his arm until he stopped. He is not usually this bad.

“Not usually”? So he has physically abused your children before? My own father is short-tempered, but he would have cut off his own arms before laying a hand on either me or my mom in anger, and she would have left the house with me if he ever had.

“Not usually” is not acceptable. You and the kids need help NOW. Thank goodness you were able to intervene before your daughter sustained serious physical injury (although she is probably terrified). Please do not wait for a next time to seek help.

 

[jillandjack]

He is a control freak. In alot of areas of his life. He’s never been physical and never been overly verbal. It’s more of an emotional detachment. I don’t have to account for my time or finances…he’s just not there. When he does disagree, he just shuts you out. He’s shut out his brother for getting married outside the Church, his kids (when they’ve disagreed with him) and me. He really doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t feel like doing. Our friends think he’s great. He is involved with different ministries. He jokes around alot and is involved with the work soccer team. We just came back from a week away at the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec. He can be fun but there’s another side to him that I don’t understand. When he grabbed my daughter, I hadn’t seen anything like that before. I asked for his help with taking her out for driving practise and he refuses to help…I couldn’t say anything more without him asking me if I was going to get on his case again. I’m not sure he realizes his reaction to her was wrong. When I talked it over with her, she said she was okay. He had come in to apologize and had even cried. Maybe it’s just me.

 

[ghaybyers1]

He is a control freak. In alot of areas of his life. He’s never been physical and never been overly verbal. It’s more of an emotional detachment. I don’t have to account for my time or finances…he’s just not there. When he does disagree, he just shuts you out. He’s shut out his brother for getting married outside the Church, his kids (when they’ve disagreed with him) and me. He really doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t feel like doing. Our friends think he’s great. He is involved with different ministries. He jokes around alot and is involved with the work soccer team. We just came back from a week away at the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec. He can be fun but there’s another side to him that I don’t understand. When he grabbed my daughter, I hadn’t seen anything like that before. I asked for his help with taking her out for driving practise and he refuses to help…I couldn’t say anything more without him asking me if I was going to get on his case again. I’m not sure he realizes his reaction to her was wrong. When I talked it over with her, she said she was okay. He had come in to apologize and had even cried. Maybe it’s just me.

What is important to note is that this “emotional shutdown” could be a sign of his own special brand of manipulation- He may be doing this to you to get what he wants. He likely knows full well how much it hurts you, because unless he has a heart made of steel, it hurts him as well.

This type of manipulation and need for control over your thoughts and opinions IS emotional abuse. You know of the painful consequences if you disagree. Emotional abuse can include this type of denying and emotional blackmail, and unpredictable responses (like your husband laying hands on your daughter) damage in that they leave your family on edge.

This is a problem. It DOES need to be worked out, or it will damage your family greatly. Moreover, your husband must be hurting greatly inside from some sort of feelings of inferiority or lack of control in order to be acting like this. It is clear that you love your husband, and I pray that you will find the strength to approach your priest about the situation at hand. Thank goodness you’ve realized that the Church is your home, because it will be a great ally and strength to you in working through these problems.
Your husband may be denying and trivializing your concerns, but if he is true to his faith, he will obey and listen to your priest.

In the meantime, feel free to pm me anytime. I recently left my fiance because of emotional and physical abuse stemming from his own mental health issues, and I have many resources I can advise you of.

Lastly, I pray that this thread isn’t locked. Unfortunately, I can’t give you professional advice, only share what has been true for me. It’s important for survivors of abuse to feel as though they are supported and bolstered. This isn’t about giving professional advice- it’s about supporting someone who needs it.

 

[Trishie]

I will keep you and your husband, and your children in my prayers.

God grant that your husband realises he has a problem and seeks help for it. God grant that the Holy Spirit can help him to understand love better and to live it for your mutual peace and as good example of Christian love and behaviour to your children.

 

[Just_Lurking]

Maybe it’s just me.

Sounds to me like the first step is to find out if it’s just you.

One simple way to do this is to read the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft (see here). If you recognize your husband in the descriptions, then it’s not just you.

 

[I_A]

JillAndJack:

I can only offer my prayers and sympathy for what you are your husband are having to deal with.

I can attachment to Anglicanism especially given your husband’s influence in your earlier conversion.

Here in Texas there are several Anglican-use parishes. Not getting into the theology behind the differences it essentially where entire parishes converted.

Here is a link with a few parishes:
pastoralprovision.org/Parishes.html

I know of no databases but a quick google led me to wikipedia which stated there were no Anglican-use parishes in Canada, but it mentioned a former Anglican priest in Ontario. (I understand how big Ontario can be. Its bigger than Texas!!!)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastoral_Provision

If you were around an Anglican-use parish I would suggest getting to know some people there. In absense of that perhaps finding a priest nearby that has been through a similar conversion that you can talk with.

I will offer prayers for you, your husband, and your family.

 

[pentecostbaby]

He had come in to apologize and had even cried. Maybe it’s just me.

Grabbing a kid by the neck - it’s NOT just you, it sounds like. And you probably already know that, since you’re posting here and reaching out for help .

My dad was very detached when I was growing up, and my mom also stopped him from doing something like he did to your daughter when I was about the same age. He’s much better now, thanks to some anger mangement and therapy, but I still have a lot of trouble talking to him, and I don’t much like to see him. If you don’t get him help for yourself, please get it for your kids. It might help save their relationship with Dad later on - and a priest might be a good person to get involved.

 

[thomfra]

Hi I’m new with Catholic Answers Forum. I’ve been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children ranging from 14 to 25. For most of those years, I’ve been happy with our marriage. Most of the time, I’ve been agreeable to my husband. I became a catholic at they time we married because it was either that or he said we couldn’t get married. I was 20 and naive. I was Anglican and in some ways it didn’t seem like a huge stretch for me. We’ve had alot of differences over the years. When I don’t agree with something, there is no discussion. He completely puts a wall up and will not talk. A few years ago we went to Italy to visit his relatives. For 3 weeks, I was ignored until we were alone in our room at night. When we returned home I went through an identity crisis and felt the need to get back to my Anglican roots (my grandparents were Anglicans from England) and I really felt the need to feel like myself again (i know it’s difficult to understand). I spent 6 months going to mass with the kids and then going to a later service at the Anglican Church. For 6 months he wouldn’t talk to me. After praying, and talking to the priest and minister from both sides, I realized that Catholicism was home for me. Then he accepted me again. This keeps happening to us in different areas of our relationship. Other night, our daughter accidently dropped a plate and he lost his patience. She apologized with some sarcasm in her tone. Before I knew it, he grabbed her by the neck. I lost it, and hit his arm until he stopped. He is not usually this bad. We are members of Regnum Christi, a lay movement. He is very involved with the men’s group teaching family. I am tired of always agreeing so that I won’t be shut out. I am lonely and tired of discussing only things that he agrees with. I don’t know what to do. I’m holding on to my faith and trying to pray but I’m struggling. It hasn’t always been bad but when I look at different problems we have, it seems that he’s been very manipulative. Does anyone have advice?

Sorry, but he sounds like a nut case to be honest. Very narrow minded. Maybe you should put your foot down with him. if you can’t live with it, then you need to change it.

 

[Sierrah]

Sorry, but he sounds like a nut case to be honest. Very narrow minded. Maybe you should put your foot down with him. if you can’t live with it, then you need to change it.

What this person said.

Only you can change things by not putting up with his behavior. My father had a short temper too but he would never hurt one of his kids for anything. I have a short temper myself but can’t imagine ever laying a finger on anyone else.

Talk to him about your feelings even if he doesn’t listen. Tell him things need to change or may your out of there. I wouldn’t tollerate the child abuse. His shutting you out constitutes emotional abuse by trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. That’s just evil.

 

[Altesse]

He is a control freak. In alot of areas of his life. He’s never been physical and never been overly verbal.

ANY verbal abuse is still abuse no matter what the quantity.

It’s more of an emotional detachment. I don’t have to account for my time or finances…he’s just not there.

**When he does disagree, he just shuts you out.
That is emotional abuse.
**
He’s shut out his brother for getting married outside the Church, his kids (when they’ve disagreed with him) and me. He really doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t feel like doing.

**Our friends think he’s great.

I wonder what your friends would think of him if they what he did at home. **.

He is involved with different ministries. He jokes around alot and is involved with the work soccer team. We just came back from a week away at the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec. He can be fun but there’s another side to him that I don’t understand.

**When he grabbed my daughter, I hadn’t seen anything like that before.
He is escalating.

**I asked for his help with taking her out for driving practise and he refuses to help…I couldn’t say anything more without him asking me if I was going to get on his case again.

**I’m not sure he realizes his reaction to her was wrong
BIG red flag
**.

When I talked it over with her, she said she was okay. He had come in to apologize and had even cried.

** Maybe it’s just me**.

No, it is HIM.

He is an abuser
Verbally
Emotionally
Physically

He will only get worse.

Document everything you can, pictures, video, audio, etc. Get the police involved if necessary, show your priest.

As long as you let him get away with it, he will keep doing it.

Be very careful.

 

[catholic101]

Hi,

Please realise that you should take alot of the advice on here with a grain of salt this sort of thread attracts man haters. Yes, grabing your daughter by the neck was wrong but if it was a one time thing just forgive. Perhaps he doesn’t respond to you sometimes when you disagree with him because he knows you, he knows he can’t change your mind or maybe its his way of managing the anger he has. You should probabley give him some space. As a devout Catholic your husband knows he is not perfect and has problems, just like everyone else. To be honest your husband sounds like an ok guy to me.

pax

 

[Lee_M]

I would get one on one counseling. The internet is fine tool for research but be careful with the keyboard counselors. Ask him to go with you to marriage counseling or talk to the priest. Preferrably a marriage counselor as they will have more professional expertise.

 

[MCGar]

I’m kind of suprised that not many people here have discussed the issue from the daughters point of view.
Yes, your daughter says she is fine, but she has a right as a child to be protected and shielded from these sorts of things. Also, she of course will feel pressured and emotionally vulnerable to an adult that cries and breaks down in apology.
She shouldn’t be put in that position AT ALL.

What I honestly think needs to happen is that he leaves the house and goes to intense counseling for anger management. NOT as revenge for his behavior but as actual repentence for his behavior and a truthful way of seeking not to harm his daughter again.

If I were your daughter and this happened to me, I would expect this or I would find a relative to live with until he found help.

Think about this very carefully, you as an adult are having difficulty coping with his personality. Neither one of the adults in the house should expect a child to have the tools to cope with this sort of tense and volatile household.

Please don’t think I’m assuming he’s habitually violent. I believe that he’s a loose wire that is more than likely sorry for what he’s done but he’s not going to be able to predict his own actions in the future. He can totally ‘believe’ he’ll never do this again, but how can he completely trust himself without atleast some professional help.

P.S. I’ve reread what I’ve written and I want to amend something. He is only truly sorry for what he’s done if he’s willing to get help for his violent anger, if he doesn’t then it’s all just words and what he *wants *to believe about himself. People lie to themselves all the time.

 

[Altesse]

Hi,

Please realise that you should take alot of the advice on here with a grain of salt this sort of thread attracts man haters. Yes, grabing your daughter by the neck was wrong but if it was a one time thing just forgive. Perhaps he doesn’t respond to you sometimes when you disagree with him because he knows you, he knows he can’t change your mind or maybe its his way of managing the anger he has. You should probabley give him some space. As a devout Catholic your husband knows he is not perfect and has problems, just like everyone else. To be honest your husband sounds like an ok guy to me.

pax

I don’t hate men.

I have just seen too many women hurt or killed by men who showed the same behaviors as the OP’s husband.

These women had people in their lives that also saw the risk factors but they weren’t taken seriously.

I truly pray that the OP and her husband can work things out.

I just want to make sure she understands the risks.

 

[thomfra]

Hi,

Please realise that you should take alot of the advice on here with a grain of salt this sort of thread attracts man haters. Yes, grabing your daughter by the neck was wrong but if it was a one time thing just forgive. Perhaps he doesn’t respond to you sometimes when you disagree with him because he knows you, he knows he can’t change your mind or maybe its his way of managing the anger he has. You should probabley give him some space. As a devout Catholic your husband knows he is not perfect and has problems, just like everyone else. To be honest your husband sounds like an ok guy to me.

pax

That’s quite a silly thing to say really. The expression “man hater” is almost invariably used by misogynists. I am sure you are not one of those, but such language could easily be misconstrued.

 

[GraceDK]

Hi,

Please realise that you should take alot of the advice on here with a grain of salt this sort of thread attracts man haters. Yes, grabing your daughter by the neck was wrong but if it was a one time thing just forgive. Perhaps he doesn’t respond to you sometimes when you disagree with him because he knows you, he knows he can’t change your mind or maybe its his way of managing the anger he has. You should probabley give him some space. As a devout Catholic your husband knows he is not perfect and has problems, just like everyone else. To be honest your husband sounds like an ok guy to me.

pax

Grapping a child by the throat is seriously distorted… I dont care if you call me a man-hater by saying so (come on… are we in the mood of exaggeration or what? ) No matter the gender, a person like that needs help NOW.
I sometimes - if I am tired and hungry - get irritable… and I just hate it when it shows and some long sigh comes out or some words said fast or harshly… I feel its out of my control at those times… and I feel ashamed and as a looser afterwards. I think the OP’s husband has the same problem times 100 and he needs help with it or he will end up lonely and miserable.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Hi,

Please realise that you should take alot of the advice on here with a grain of salt this sort of thread attracts man haters. Yes, grabing your daughter by the neck was wrong but if it was a one time thing just forgive. Perhaps he doesn’t respond to you sometimes when you disagree with him because he knows you, he knows he can’t change your mind or maybe its his way of managing the anger he has. You should probabley give him some space. As a devout Catholic your husband knows he is not perfect and has problems, just like everyone else. To be honest your husband sounds like an ok guy to me.

pax

In this case I think you should take this posters advice and INGORE HIS/HER POST!!!

As a child I was grabbed by the neck, punched, beaten black and blue. It will affect your daughter. Do not allow this abuse to continue.

See your priest. Get your husband there as well.

Maybe try Retrouvaille.

DON’T turn your back on your daughter!

His actions towards her are NOT yours to forgive as this poster stated, but your daughters.