I feel like I can't rely on him anymore!

[jillandjack]

Thank you much for all of your replies. I’ve thought about all of your responses and have prayed alot. I’m talking to my priest about the matter. He will be helping us.
Someone made reference to it being cultural and I think that is a big possibility…not that it’s an excuse, but upbringing certainly effects your behaviours. His mother is a very disrespectful woman who uses distance and manipulation all the time. He has put alot of distance between himself and his mother for this reason. (I believe on the advice of one our priests) She is the typical italian woman you see in movies - very controlling. How do people ever escape the actions of their past? If he was brought up to use these techniques of control. I know my husband well enough to know that this action with my daughter was a one time mistake. He’s never physical. I won’t be blind but I doubt it will happen again. My own father was physically abused by his father. My dad was a teacher and was never physical with us. I think he’s given me a swat on the behind twice for being mouthy as a kid but that discipline was common when I was a kid. Everyone I knew got spanked if they were bad. My Dad has been able to change the cycle.
I appreciate your prayers. My mom died a year ago and I’ve been in counselling for that and for changing some bad patterns I have. She is helping me take some control for my life. I will keep you posted but I think there will be some positive changes. I’m going away for the weekend with my sisters and daughters for some fun and R & R.
God bless.

 

[MCGar]

I know my husband well enough to know that this action with my daughter was a one time mistake.

Did you know your husband well enough to know he would actually do this ‘one time mistake’?

Think about it.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to say he will do it again, but I never understand adults who cope/explain/excuse for other adults without actually DOING something about an action such as this. If he’s been messed up by his history, then he needs professional help. If he has so much anger that he broke and did something totally out of character of himself, then he needs professional help. It doesn’t matter that he’ll never do it again as you believe. It matters that he already did it and he needs to address is head on!

Also, the option of forgiving him is your daughters, but forgiving and ignoring the problem are two different things. Her forgiveness of him shouldn’t be a free pass to not address his problems. She shouldn’t be put in that position.

I know you love your family and this has been hard on all of you, but if you don’t insist on him getting professional help then you are enabling him to do further damage to your family and himself (even if it’s just emotional damage not physical).

 

[duskyjewel]

This guy grabbed your daughter by the neck in anger and you are staying with him. You just showed your daughter you will choose your love life over her safety. That is disgusting and WRONG.

If my husband, who is my children’s father, ever did that, his butt would be living at his Mommy’s house until he had been through anger management and lots of counseling and I had assurances from his therapists that they did not think he would be violent with my children again. Some guy who is NOT their father? Kicked to the curb and never spoken to again. These babies grew in my body, they exist because of my choices… they come first, always, every time, no matter what. (P.S. I am gathering from your wording, i.e. “my daughter” not “our daughter,” that your husband is not her father… if he is, I apologize for the error.)

I lived through my dad having paramours that I hated, and he would not get rid of them. These women treated me badly and tried to get between me and my dad. Yet it wasn’t until he saw it first hand that he would do anything about it. He wouldn’t take my word… he chose his girlfriend over me, and that feels horrible.

Of course your daughter is saying, “It’s OK.” She feels like she has to appear to like your husband in order to have access to you. She probably already had fear that you would/had already chosen him over her. The fact that you kept him around after he choked her only confirms her in this fear. So of course she will submit in order to stay close to you. She can’t make waves or she fears losing you altogether to him.

 

[duskyjewel]

If my husband choked one of our children, he would be out of the house and attending anger management. Only when his therapist could assure me they thought it was safe would I allow him to live in our house again. I love my husband, but if he were a threat to my babies (no matter their age), the choice between them would take me about a nanosecond to make. I made these children, and I am far more obligated to them than I am to my husband.

 

[MCGar]

I completely agree duskyjewel.