I feel like my husband is in the way

[Back2Church]

On top of it, I can’t get pregnant …

All I ever wanted in life was to marry a good Catholic man and have lots of children.

Perhaps if you started loving the husband you have, God would bless you with a pregnancy.

Just a thought.

Also, marraige never gets in the way of a being a good Catholic. Marraige is a vocation. Marraige IS how you be a good Catholic (one of the ways, at least). Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to happen.

If you can’t love the husband you saw fit to marry, then how can you ever love your neighboors, much less your enemies? Perhaps God gave you this man as your husband to help you learn how to truly love in the way he wants you to love.

 

[PennyinCanada]

The closer I get to God and back with my faith, the more and more I find myself distancing myself from my husband. I feel like HE is in the way of me doing anything that God might want me to REALLY be doing. God did not want me to marry a non-catholic. God just doesn’t do that. He permits it yes, but it’s not what he really wants. I feel like I am stuck with a man I don’t really like because he is nothing I would like to be right now. He isn’t Catholic, he isn’t really that religious at all, he’s very worldly. On top of it, I can’t get pregnant (combined we are very infertile) and he doesn’t make enough at all to even think about adoption and he refuses to foster. I married him at a time when my faith was at a low point. Now that it is growing again I feel like he is this huge weight I have to drag around and that gets in the way of me finding a real vocation. Marriage to a catholic and having children, or taking care of my family as a single person (can’t with husband because we are stuck out of state and have been for 7 years.)

All I ever wanted in life was to marry a good Catholic man and have lots of children. My life SO didn’t work out the way I originally intended, and how I think God would prefer I live it.

I know none of this probably makes much sense, but I’m trying my best to explain what I feel. What on earth am I supposed to do? I am miserable in this marriage. I want “freed” so badly. I am just waiting with bated breath for this to end so I can actually get a start on my real life, that God intended for me.

You have gone forward and made choices, and as many have before you, have come to value your faith and God more, later, and here you are. You must make the most of it. Many people make bad choices and have to live with the consequences. All of us really. There are people who are living with the bad choices of others too.

I want to give you a shake and a smack to snap you out of the negative recording that you keep playing over and over in your head. Stop it. All you are doing is throwing more fuel to the fire and it will send you into a crash and burn. Again, make the best of your situation. Praise God and thank Him that He can come into the very place that you are! God is in our midst regardless of our sinfulness. Call a blessing on your marriage, on your husband, on your daily duty. Ask God to change things so that 5 years from now both of you will be praising God for the goodness you have experienced. Stop it with the “he’s a huge weight I have to drag around”. That kind of (ok, sorry, I’m going to be harsh) *self indulgence *is hurting you. It’s the same as someone who keeps eating junk food and shoves the healthy food to the side, and in a year finds out they are carrying an extra 80 pounds. There is a discipline required here.

There are people who are living with huge challenges today and they get out of bed every morning saying This will be a good day, God is with me! Maybe they lost their legs in a car crash, served their country and are missing limbs, lost their eye sight, have a mentally and physically handicapped child. I know 2 couples who have 2 and 3 mentally and physically handicapped children and they will required a lot of care and love for their life time. In the face of these difficulties, we see how weak we really are, how huge the mountain is to climb, and by the strength God gives us, we wake up and tackle another day. Heroes don’t have a big S on their shirts, they are ordinary people taking care of their business. This is where we build our strength of character and how we learn to say no to sin and vice and the devil’s whispering. And the devil whispers in all our ears! Don’t co-operate with it, don’t fall for it. This is where we get the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”. Water your own grass and stop looking over the fence where you don’t belong.

I can give you this advice because I’ve given myself a few talkings to. This is where I am today. Make the best of it. I don’t know how people did it, but in the concentration camps, they praised God. I hope I am never put to such a test! When God is in our midst, we can change things. The thing that often needs the most changing is our capacity for love.

God bless and strengthen you.

 

[LongingSoul]

All I ever wanted in life was to marry a good Catholic man and have lots of children. My life SO didn’t work out the way I originally intended, and how I think God would prefer I live it.

I know none of this probably makes much sense, but I’m trying my best to explain what I feel. What on earth am I supposed to do? I am miserable in this marriage. I want “freed” so badly. I am just waiting with bated breath for this to end so I can actually get a start on my real life, that God intended for me.

I was the only one of my siblings that married a Catholic. My two brothers and sister married nons… but they all converted eventually so don’t think of that as a door that’s forever closed.

When I was growing up the thought of entering religious life constantly hovered on my horizon. I went for a preliminary interview with the St Joseph Sisters when I was 17 and was given some literature to read and study. Eventually, I decided against it because my desire to experience marriage was stronger than my desire to enter. I guess I wanted marriage for the loving intimacy and affection that define the relationship between a man and woman. Fast forward 25 years and while my husband is a good person and provided well, he isn’t loving or affectionate in any way really and I suspect that he may be undiagnosed autistic (two of my kids are autistic spectrum) It’s very hard and I went through a long period of anger at God and grief for the life of love I’d hoped for. One day while doing my contemplations, I remembered that a number of times in my life I’ve asked God to send me sufferings (like the Saints did) and I started into this dialogue with God about how when I meant suffering, I didn’t mean this. I meant anything else but this. Until I started laughing at myself. Do you see the irony?

Anyway, whenever we chose to follow Christ, it means following the way of the Cross. Following Buddha is more lovely, peace and lightness I gather and L. Ron Hubbards way seems less about suffering. But following Christ… it means to pick up your Cross whatever it may be and walk the way. I find Jacinta of Fatima a great inspiration in understanding the nature of suffering.

Sorry it’s all so hard for you at the moment. You’ll look back on this time as a great blessing in your faith journey.

 

[EasterJoy]

Perhaps if you started loving the husband you have, God would bless you with a pregnancy.

Just a thought.

Also, marraige never gets in the way of a being a good Catholic. Marraige is a vocation. Marraige IS how you be a good Catholic (one of the ways, at least). Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to happen…

a) Let’s not sell the idea that pregnancy is a reward for a good marriage. It is very hard to want a child and not be able to get pregnant, there is no end to the self-imposed second-guessing and self-doubt that can tempt someone to entertain, and it is hurtful to imply that this has anything to do with some moral shortcoming in the parents or some lack of merit in their marriage.

b) An invalid marriage could get in the way of being a good Catholic, and a valid marriage to someone who takes it upon himself or herself to attack or denigrate the faith can render the spiritual life very difficult.

Still, there is no reason to believe that the OPs husband married without being open to children or that it is his intention to throw roadblocks into the OPs religious duties. It would be easier for her if they could have children and if he could actively join her in religious observances, but that does not render the marriage null. Even if he were Catholic, it would be far from certain that he’d feel as if he has the call to be a foster parent, though. That willingness is not a necessary part of a valid marriage. It is possible, I suppose, that if he doesn’t sense a full measure of affection from his wife in the first place, he might be less inclined to take on the added stress of foster children, but that is far from the most likely reason he might have for hesitating to become a foster parent. It is no automatic reflection on her or the marriage that he does not feel he is ready to do that.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Perhaps if you started loving the husband you have, God would bless you with a pregnancy.

Just a thought.

Also, marraige never gets in the way of a being a good Catholic. Marraige is a vocation. Marraige IS how you be a good Catholic (one of the ways, at least). Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to happen.

If you can’t love the husband you saw fit to marry, then how can you ever love your neighboors, much less your enemies? Perhaps God gave you this man as your husband to help you learn how to truly love in the way he wants you to love.

That is a really unkind insinuation. Infertility is a terrible cross to bear, and–barring having deliberately sterilized oneself, of course–is not the fault of the couples who are called to bear it. God does not use babies as carrot/sticks in order to make us behave in a certain way. Leaving aside anything else, it’s illogical. Presumably she felt differently about her husband when they’d just been married for six months or so. Why didn’t God bless them with a baby then? Because she hadn’t prayed enough? Because she married a non-Catholic? Etc, ad nauseam? Babies aren’t rewards, just as they aren’t punishments. God’s ways aren’t our ways, and while it can be very difficult to accept them, sometimes we have to accept them without understanding them.

The OP has received quite a lot of good advice and suggestions on this thread, but that was just plain nasty.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You have gone forward and made choices, and as many have before you, have come to value your faith and God more, later, and here you are. You must make the most of it. Many people make bad choices and have to live with the consequences. All of us really. There are people who are living with the bad choices of others too.

I want to give you a shake and a smack to snap you out of the negative recording that you keep playing over and over in your head. Stop it. All you are doing is throwing more fuel to the fire and it will send you into a crash and burn. Again, make the best of your situation. Praise God and thank Him that He can come into the very place that you are! God is in our midst regardless of our sinfulness. Call a blessing on your marriage, on your husband, on your daily duty. Ask God to change things so that 5 years from now both of you will be praising God for the goodness you have experienced. Stop it with the “he’s a huge weight I have to drag around”. That kind of (ok, sorry, I’m going to be harsh) *self indulgence *is hurting you. It’s the same as someone who keeps eating junk food and shoves the healthy food to the side, and in a year finds out they are carrying an extra 80 pounds. There is a discipline required here.

There are people who are living with huge challenges today and they get out of bed every morning saying This will be a good day, God is with me! Maybe they lost their legs in a car crash, served their country and are missing limbs, lost their eye sight, have a mentally and physically handicapped child. I know 2 couples who have 2 and 3 mentally and physically handicapped children and they will required a lot of care and love for their life time. In the face of these difficulties, we see how weak we really are, how huge the mountain is to climb, and by the strength God gives us, we wake up and tackle another day. Heroes don’t have a big S on their shirts, they are ordinary people taking care of their business. This is where we build our strength of character and how we learn to say no to sin and vice and the devil’s whispering. And the devil whispers in all our ears! Don’t co-operate with it, don’t fall for it. This is where we get the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”. Water your own grass and stop looking over the fence where you don’t belong.

I can give you this advice because I’ve given myself a few talkings to. This is where I am today. Make the best of it. I don’t know how people did it, but in the concentration camps, they praised God. I hope I am never put to such a test! When God is in our midst, we can change things. The thing that often needs the most changing is our capacity for love.

God bless and strengthen you.

I can’t improve much on this message, given to you with all charity in a stern tone. I can tell you that making your husband into the bad guy in your life will destroy him, you and your marriage, and it will poison your mind and heart. You MUST change things around, or you are going to become bitter and resentful, and this does not glorify God in any way. What would happen if God graced your marriage with a child? Would you continue to view your husband as nothing more than a stumbling block in your path, and put yourself on a cross in front of your child? So that his/her father remains the bad guy and you get to wear the white hat and be the long-suffering spouse of a terrible person? This would then poison your child’s relationship with his/her father. I would hope that you would not want that result.

Shake yourself out of this self-pity and martyrdom. Try what another poster suggested - find at least one thing EVERY DAY and compliment your husband OUT LOUD and when you can, in front of others. Pray for an attitude of gratitude. Your marriage and your relationship with God will improve. As is stands, you have no hope of helping your husband get to heaven when all you can think of is leaving him.

:nope:

 

[Prodigal_Son]

a) Let’s not sell the idea that pregnancy is a reward for a good marriage. It is very hard to want a child and not be able to get pregnant, there is no end to the self-imposed second-guessing and self-doubt that can tempt someone to entertain, and it is hurtful to imply that this has anything to do with some moral shortcoming in the parents or some lack of merit in their marriage.

This.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

He isn’t Catholic, he isn’t really that religious at all, he’s very worldly.

I expect there is more in this particular complaint than meets the eye. What do you mean by “worldly”? I don’t necessarily think that you should share the answer on this forum, but I have a sense that something is lurking behind that word “worldly” that provides a key here. Did you expect your husband to be “worldly” in this way when you married him? In what particular ways do you feel hurt by him?

I don’t think a woman would feel a great deal of antipathy for her husband simply because he didn’t go to mass.

 

[Back2Church]

a) Let’s not sell the idea that pregnancy is a reward for a good marriage. …it is hurtful to imply that this has anything to do with some moral shortcoming in the parents or some lack of merit in their marriage.

That is a really unkind insinuation. Infertility is a terrible cross to bear, and is not the fault of the couples who are called to bear it.

The OP has received quite a lot of good advice and suggestions on this thread, but that was just plain nasty.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying and read in some extra meanings that I was never implied. I never said her infertility was a result of a moral failing on her part. If you reread my post, you’ll see that all I was saying was to love her husband and trust in God.

My wife was infertile. We tried fertility treatments for a couple of years to no avail, so we stopped the treatments since they weren’t getting us anywhere. A few months later we made some lifelong choices for the better (quit smoking, stopped watching adult entertainment, started praying). A month after that, much to the surprise of us and her doctor, my wife got pregnant. Years later, now have two happy, healthy children (and we never needed the fertility treatments after all!).

You may not believe God can and will bless a couple with children against all odds, but we sure do. God might just be waiting for the proper timing, is all.

Again, I’m not saying that people can make themselves fertile or infertile based on their moral standing. I’m simply saying that God can bless a couple with a child, and he might be waiting for the proper timing. Perhaps that timing for the OP is at the end of this test of love in her heart for her husband. Who knows? I can tell you that advising her to love her husband and trust in God is never “just plain nasty” advice.

 

[PennyinCanada]

All of us have to guard our hearts against bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. It’s something to take to confession as often as needed. These things will smother the Holy Spirit working in your life and mine.

 

[Humbly_Hopeful]

Iam just waiting with bated breath for this to end so I can actually get a start on my real life, that God intended for me.

Regardless if you veered from God’s plan for your life you are here now and from any and all bad decisions we make God will make good out of it when we selflessly open our hearts to Him. I will pray for your heart to soften and to follow the Lord’s perfect will, as well as for your husband and the state of your marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

All of us have to guard our hearts against bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. It’s something to take to confession as often as needed. These things will smother the Holy Spirit working in your life and mine.

I’ve benefited tremendously from hearing, in charity, here on CAF, that I was making my husband into a scapegoat and acting holier-than-thou. I know that people here are concerned for my SOUL and not my personal happiness or satisfaction, so I have to consider your advice very seriously. Feeling victimized gets me nowhere, certainly not closer to Jesus, and it puts up barriers to the grace that I might have experienced if I dropped the “white-hat, black-hat” way of thinking. I have to thank the members of CAF for not reinforcing my worst character defects but challenging me gently to become a better person.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think you misunderstood what I was saying and read in some extra meanings that I was never implied. I never said her infertility was a result of a moral failing on her part. If you reread my post, you’ll see that all I was saying was to love her husband and trust in God.

My wife was infertile. We tried fertility treatments for a couple of years to no avail, so we stopped the treatments since they weren’t getting us anywhere. A few months later we made some lifelong choices for the better (quit smoking, stopped watching adult entertainment, started praying). A month after that, much to the surprise of us and her doctor, my wife got pregnant. Years later, now have two happy, healthy children (and we never needed the fertility treatments after all!).

You may not believe God can and will bless a couple with children against all odds, but we sure do. God might just be waiting for the proper timing, is all.

Again, I’m not saying that people can make themselves fertile or infertile based on their moral standing. I’m simply saying that God can bless a couple with a child, and he might be waiting for the proper timing. Perhaps that timing for the OP is at the end of this test of love in her heart for her husband. Who knows? I can tell you that advising her to love her husband and trust in God is never “just plain nasty” advice.

This post would have been a much better place to start, I think. Sharing a personal experience is much less accusatory than making an emotionally charged suggestion. I know you didn’t mean to be accusatory, but it came off that way.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Convert,

First off I am so sorry you are going through this. I suggest that you talk to your local Priest, explain to him everything and be truly honest about everything, especially if the main cause is the lack of children and everything else sought out faults. In my marriage we had that issue – but it was not that we could not have children if was the fact that my ex-wife did not want children and refused to tell me / and lied to me about. This caused lots of problems, (I have posted here about that). But your Priest will be better equipped to help / advise you.

My view on things may seem a bit contradicting to what others may view as the teachings.

But Jesus tells us in Matthew 10:14 If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave.

If you view your husband as a “blockage” in your path to God, as time goes on unless resolved this could turn to resentment – anger – hatred. Hence pulling you away from God and his plan for you. But if you could use your growing faith to bring your husband into the light and help him grow in faith as you are, then I am sure you both will so much happier. But if he refuses and begins to pull you away from God, then that is – not good.

I pray that God grants you strength and guidance that lead you to Him.

Winter

 

[Back2Church]

This post would have been a much better place to start, I think. Sharing a personal experience is much less accusatory than making an emotionally charged suggestion. I know you didn’t mean to be accusatory, but it came off that way.

I’m glad we got that cleared up.

Imagine the surprise of the person who presents a thought rooted in love and faith, yet gets accused of being spiteful. It’s pretty jarring!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Convert,

First off I am so sorry you are going through this. I suggest that you talk to your local Priest, explain to him everything and be truly honest about everything, especially if the main cause is the lack of children and everything else sought out faults. In my marriage we had that issue – but it was not that we could not have children if was the fact that my ex-wife did not want children and refused to tell me / and lied to me about. This caused lots of problems, (I have posted here about that). But your Priest will be better equipped to help / advise you.

My view on things may seem a bit contradicting to what others may view as the teachings.

But Jesus tells us in Matthew 10:14 If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave.

If you view your husband as a “blockage” in your path to God, as time goes on unless resolved this could turn to resentment – anger – hatred. Hence pulling you away from God and his plan for you. But if you could use your growing faith to bring your husband into the light and help him grow in faith as you are, then I am sure you both will so much happier. But if he refuses and begins to pull you away from God, then that is – not good.

I pray that God grants you strength and guidance that lead you to Him.

Winter

You are misusing Scripture in this context. Jesus did not mean that once you have taken vows of marriage, you can then “shake the dust from your feet” and leave the marriage. The Apostles were taking the word of God throughout the world and if they weren’t welcome in a town or home, they were not to fight for the right to preach, just move on and keep praying. This is a completely different situation.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Juliane,

I understand that Jesus meant that when the Disciples entered a town and if those in that town rejected the teachings or such then the Disciples were to “brush the dust from their sandals”. But in my view (which of course could be wrong) the premises is that if you are moving towards God, living as Jesus teaches us to, you should not allow others to cause you to stop following your faith, or cause you to turn away (directly or indirectly).

And yes Jesus also said in Matthew 19,9: that if a man (spouse) divorces their wife (spouse), except for adultery, and marries another he (she) themselves commit adultery. Showing that divorce is not the answer when things are “troublesome”.

Hence talking to a Priest – and being totally honest is the best course of action. The best we can do is offer support and understanding, not (again in my opinion) tell someone how they should live.

Winter

 

[LongingSoul]

There are some circumstances where a spouse can legitimately separate from their partner whilst maintaining the marital bond.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Of course there is no permission to divorce and remarry without meeting the conditions for annulment.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are some circumstances where a spouse can legitimately separate from their partner whilst maintaining the marital bond.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Of course there is no permission to divorce and remarry without meeting the conditions for annulment.

The situation described by the OP is very difficult, but it does not fall into the category of a grave danger or something that is simply too difficult to endure. Continuing to be non-Catholic or even falling away from the faith as a Catholic after marriage is not grounds for a separation with the bond remaining. Marriage to someone who does not practice the Catholic faith can be endured, provided that one is not denied one’s own access to the sacraments and the life of the Church, and many Catholics in both mixed marriages (and marriages to other Catholics, alas!) do it.

 

[LongingSoul]

The situation described by the OP is very difficult, but it does not fall into the category of a grave danger or something that is simply too difficult to endure. Continuing to be non-Catholic or even falling away from the faith as a Catholic after marriage is not grounds for a separation with the bond remaining. Marriage to someone who does not practice the Catholic faith can be endured, provided that one is not denied one’s own access to the sacraments and the life of the Church, and many Catholics in both mixed marriages (and marriages to other Catholics, alas!) do it.

Oh sorry I should have quoted snippets from the Winter Warlock and The Real Juliane as I was throwing in a comment related to their exchange. My post to the OP directly is on page 2.