I feel like some kind of freak because of this

[jazzy0710]

Please be nice. This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult for me to talk about…

I’m 30 yrs old and my DH is 34.

We’ve been together for 13 years, married for what will be 7 years in July 2017. We have one son who’s 2 yrs old and Autistic.

I’m a SAHM because at this point in time it’s more affordable as child care here is ridiculously expensive.

My DH is a shift cook in the Navy.

We have this issue with sex…

Many people have told me that women hit their sexual prime in their 30’s. I thought it was crazy when I first heard about it but now that i’m in my 30’s I agree. I seem to have a much higher drive than I ever had before.

My husband has diminished. He’s always tired all of the time. Even on days that he’s not working. I also have a very irregular cycle which makes it fusturating too.

Anyway I’m finding that I have to practically beg and when it does happen which is not really often at all, I feel guilty like i’m forcing him to or something.

I try talking to him asking him what his issue is and he says he doesn’t know. I swear that’s all I ever seem to get out of him is that he just doesn’t know.

It’s really put stress on our marriage and I don’t know what to do about it.

We have gone to 2 sessions of marriage counselling but truthfully I don’t want to go to anymore sessions.

The therapist that we see is just a social worker. I find him very monotone and almost looks like he’s stoned. I didn’t get to talk much at all about what my concerns have been and this topic hasn’t been brought up in either session because he seems much more interested in my DH and my DH would go on and on about his problems with his Father. I also find the office very cluttered and uncomfortable.

So some may be asking is my DH depressed. No. He had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist on the military base and that was ruled out. He does however have ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar 4.

The ADHD was being treated with ritalin but due to a recent outburst that DH had his psychiatrist wants him to remain off of them until he sees him next week.

Does he have any other underlying conditions? No. He does however have a small cyst on one of his kidneys but it doesn’t cause him any pain.

Does he have job stress? Yes from time to time but that’s why he was put on the do not sail list placed on medical t cat so that he could get help.

I feel very confused, lost, and discouraged.

Anyone has ever have a similar problem? I honestly don’t know what to do.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Please be nice. This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult for me to talk about…

I’m 30 yrs old and my DH is 34.

We’ve been together for 13 years, married for what will be 7 years in July 2017. We have one son who’s 2 yrs old and Autistic.

I’m a SAHM because at this point in time it’s more affordable as child care here is ridiculously expensive.

My DH is a shift cook in the Navy.

We have this issue with sex…

Many people have told me that women hit their sexual prime in their 30’s. I thought it was crazy when I first heard about it but now that i’m in my 30’s I agree. I seem to have a much higher drive than I ever had before.

My husband has diminished. He’s always tired all of the time. Even on days that he’s not working. I also have a very irregular cycle which makes it fusturating too.

Anyway I’m finding that I have to practically beg and when it does happen which is not really often at all, I feel guilty like i’m forcing him to or something.

I try talking to him asking him what his issue is and he says he doesn’t know. I swear that’s all I ever seem to get out of him is that he just doesn’t know.

It’s really put stress on our marriage and I don’t know what to do about it.

We have gone to 2 sessions of marriage counselling but truthfully I don’t want to go to anymore sessions.

The therapist that we see is just a social worker. I find him very monotone and almost looks like he’s stoned. I didn’t get to talk much at all about what my concerns have been and this topic hasn’t been brought up in either session because he seems much more interested in my DH and my DH would go on and on about his problems with his Father. I also find the office very cluttered and uncomfortable.

So some may be asking is my DH depressed. No. He had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist on the military base and that was ruled out. He does however have ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar 4.

The ADHD was being treated with ritalin but due to a recent outburst that DH had his psychiatrist wants him to remain off of them until he sees him next week.

Does he have any other underlying conditions? No. He does however have a small cyst on one of his kidneys but it doesn’t cause him any pain.

Does he have job stress? Yes from time to time but that’s why he was put on the do not sail list placed on medical t cat so that he could get help.

I feel very confused, lost, and discouraged.

Anyone has ever have a similar problem? I honestly don’t know what to do.

Step one. He needs to get out of the navy. His family is in trouble and he is needed on that front.
Step two. Find a real professional therapist.
Step three. He may need help with a pornography addiction. This can be common in the military.

 

[1ke]

Does he have any other underlying conditions? No.

No???

He has ADHD, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. that’s 3 rather serious diagnoses.

I honestly don’t know what to do.

Your husband is on medication for three serious medical/psychological problems. You have a two year old with autism.

I think those should be your focus and priority. Sex will need to take a back burner to these things. His condition(s) could be impacting his libido, or his medications could be, or the stress of his job and your child’s condition could be. Or all of the above combined together could be.

The two of you could sit down with his doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed the medicines to discuss them and their impact. His libido is also something he should be discussing with his doctor. I don’t think a therapist/social worker is the right person to discuss this with.

Ultimately, while your sex drive is important it’s not the most important thing in your life right now and you **may **need to shift your focus to self mastery and sacrifice for the good of the overall family.

 

[tawny]

No???

He has ADHD, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. that’s 3 rather serious diagnoses.

Your husband is on medication for three serious medical/psychological problems. You have a two year old with autism.

I think those should be your focus and priority. Sex will need to take a back burner to these things. His condition(s) could be impacting his libido, or his medications could be, or the stress of his job and your child’s condition could be. Or all of the above combined together could be.

The two of you could sit down with his doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed the medicines to discuss them and their impact. His libido is also something he should be discussing with his doctor. I don’t think a therapist/social worker is the right person to discuss this with.

Ultimately, while your sex drive is important it’s not the most important thing in your life right now and you **may **need to shift your focus to self mastery and sacrifice for the good of the overall family.

Well stated.

 

[chevalier]

I agree with the advice that you need a therapist you can trust (though for that check if he makes sense, doesn’t contradict himself, knows what he’s talking about, actually answers your questions, explains things in a way you can understand, doesn’t come with a mind that’s already made before considering all the facts etc., rather than appearance), one who will explain to you how ADHD, anxiety and bipolar 4 work, giving your more than the sort of unreliable common knowledge that circulates the Internet but without forcing you to wade your own way through from medical materials that only really trained doctors or therapists can understand. And yes, there are some issues here for which a doctor might better than a therapist.

I have a close relative with bipolar, and having problems that one suffers from, severaly sometimes, but cannot identify or understand sounds very familiar.

As regards pornography or some other form of infidelity, that would be an accusation not to be made lightly and certainly not without proof just because a man’s acting weird and having problems with sex life and sex drive and statistics show pornography is not a rare cause (neither is at a certain cause or no. 1 cause). An unfounded and ultimately false accusation, apart from being grossly unfair (especially from a loved one), is the last thing needed by a person who is already troubled and probably feeling misunderstood and treated unfairly by some people who know him but don’t understand him. Before even alluding to some such possibility it would be absolutely necessary to talk to a good counsellor first, and I don’t think the counsellor would say it’s a good idea.

Finally, this is going to sound cliché and may be totally unnecessary, but just in case: what’s going on is not your fault. Not knowing how to help is not your fault either. Not being able to help, because you don’t know how to or because you don’t have the resources or emotional strength at times, that’s not your fault either. You’re already being brave, reasonable, resourceful and committed, and don’t allow any stupid undeserved pangs of guilt (produced by powerlessness, as it sometimes happens) to tell you otherwise.

 

[Irishmom2]

Step one. He needs to get out of the navy. His family is in trouble and he is needed on that front.
Step two. Find a real professional therapist.
Step three. He may need help with a pornography addiction. This can be common in the military.

One: The military is his job, not his problem. Do you think another job would not do the same to him, whatever you perceive that to be?

Two: I agree. Sometimes, you really do need to try a few different counsellors (not a social worker) until you find someone you **both ** feel comfortable with.

Three: No where did she mention pornography as a problem. Your generalization of pornography being a problem in the military is unfounded in this case, and possibly untrue in other cases.

 

[Irishmom2]

As regards pornography or some other form of infidelity, that would be an accusation not to be made lightly and certainly not without proof just because a man’s acting weird and having problems with sex life and sex drive and statistics show pornography is not a rare cause (neither is at a certain cause or no. 1 cause). An unfounded and ultimately false accusation, apart from being grossly unfair (especially from a loved one), is the last thing needed by a person who is already troubled and probably feeling misunderstood and treated unfairly by some people who know him but don’t understand him. Before even alluding to some such possibility it would be absolutely necessary to talk to a good counsellor first, and I don’t think the counsellor would say it’s a good idea.

Finally, this is going to sound cliché and may be totally unnecessary, but just in case: what’s going on is not your fault. Not knowing how to help is not your fault either. Not being able to help, because you don’t know how to or because you don’t have the resources or emotional strength at times, that’s not your fault either. You’re already being brave, reasonable, resourceful and committed, and don’t allow any stupid undeserved pangs of guilt (produced by powerlessness, as it sometimes happens) to tell you otherwise.

Good post, Chev.

 

[bitterhope]

One: The military is his job, not his problem. Do you think another job would not do the same to him, whatever you perceive that to be?

Two: I agree. Sometimes, you really do need to try a few different counsellors (not a social worker) until you find someone you **both ** feel comfortable with.

Three: No where did she mention pornography as a problem. Your generalization of pornography being a problem in the military is unfounded in this case, and possibly untrue in other cases.

This is all true. Often other jobs are a lot more stressful than military jobs. Porn addiction is not much more common (if any more common) in the military than in the regular population. It seems any time a man is having sexual problems or differences with their wife people jump to the conclusion it’s porn related.

 

[robertmidwest]

Step one. He needs to get out of the navy. His family is in trouble and he is needed on that front.
Step two. Find a real professional therapist.
Step three. He may need help with a pornography addiction. This can be common in the military.

What! Holy cow! You are jumping to some conclusions! Step two is a good idea but hold the phone on one and three!

 

[DarkLight]

Seconding having a good long chat with his psychiatrist. Both mental health disorders and the medications used to treat them can affect libido. It’s quite likely that something there is an issue.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Step one. He needs to get out of the navy. His family is in trouble and he is needed on that front.
Step two. Find a real professional therapist.
Step three. He may need help with a pornography addiction. This can be common in the military.

I’m concerned about the idea of getting out of the military. If he’s a shift cook, the odds of him finding a civilian job with comparable pay and benefits are very low, unless he has spent his enlistment focusing heavily on his education.

 

[bitterhope]

Please be nice. This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult for me to talk about…

I’m 30 yrs old and my DH is 34.

We’ve been together for 13 years, married for what will be 7 years in July 2017. We have one son who’s 2 yrs old and Autistic.

I’m a SAHM because at this point in time it’s more affordable as child care here is ridiculously expensive.

My DH is a shift cook in the Navy.

We have this issue with sex…

Many people have told me that women hit their sexual prime in their 30’s. I thought it was crazy when I first heard about it but now that i’m in my 30’s I agree. I seem to have a much higher drive than I ever had before.

My husband has diminished. He’s always tired all of the time. Even on days that he’s not working. I also have a very irregular cycle which makes it fusturating too.

Anyway I’m finding that I have to practically beg and when it does happen which is not really often at all, I feel guilty like i’m forcing him to or something.

I try talking to him asking him what his issue is and he says he doesn’t know. I swear that’s all I ever seem to get out of him is that he just doesn’t know.

It’s really put stress on our marriage and I don’t know what to do about it.

We have gone to 2 sessions of marriage counselling but truthfully I don’t want to go to anymore sessions.

The therapist that we see is just a social worker. I find him very monotone and almost looks like he’s stoned. I didn’t get to talk much at all about what my concerns have been and this topic hasn’t been brought up in either session because he seems much more interested in my DH and my DH would go on and on about his problems with his Father. I also find the office very cluttered and uncomfortable.

So some may be asking is my DH depressed. No. He had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist on the military base and that was ruled out. He does however have ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar 4.

The ADHD was being treated with ritalin but due to a recent outburst that DH had his psychiatrist wants him to remain off of them until he sees him next week.

Does he have any other underlying conditions? No. He does however have a small cyst on one of his kidneys but it doesn’t cause him any pain.

Does he have job stress? Yes from time to time but that’s why he was put on the do not sail list placed on medical t cat so that he could get help.

I feel very confused, lost, and discouraged.

Anyone has ever have a similar problem? I honestly don’t know what to do.

Maybe it will be a slight comfort knowing that there are many Army wives (so probably other branches of military as well) that have shared similar issues with you. One thing is the stress and schedule contributes to all this. I know the most common complaint I hear from soldiers (not just my husband) is how tired and worn out they are and they just don’t have the energy. You aren’t alone. You aren’t a freak. Porn is usually not the problem. I know it’s not with my husband. PM if you would like.

 

[Mintaka]

Beyond his other medical problems and medications, it is pretty common for middle-aged people to have less energy. That is why we have vitamin supplements, particularly Vitamin D and Vitamin B -12. He may need the whole B complex of vities. (Especially if he does not eat vitamin-enriched flour every day, like in breakfast cereals.) He may even be low on Vitamin A, which tends to be drained away by health problems (particularly colds and flus and other common illnesses).

Before you panic over zebras, try horses. Vitamin lack is very common, even with people who already take a multivitamin. (Because our bodies do not process it as efficiently as we get into middle age.)

Eating fermented foods sounds stupid, but some guts really do better with some yogurt or sauerkraut or beer every few days, or even every day. It helped my middle-aged metabolism a lot.

You can also look up foods that promote energy, like some veggies, and figure out whether he is eating and drinking healthy foods all day.

 

[chevalier]

I know the most common complaint I hear from soldiers (not just my husband) is how tired and worn out they are and they just don’t have the energy.

For what it’s worth, that’s not uncommon with the sort of civilian jobs that take a lot of your time and mental focus. A lot of people end up drained these days.

That is why we have vitamin supplements, particularly Vitamin D and Vitamin B -12. He may need the whole B complex of vities.

+1, from own experience actually. Several years ago I was a visiting with my friends, who said I was way too drowsy for it to be just normal catching up on lost sleep, plus there were some other clues, so they practically forced me to get blood tested and boom, B-everything flashing, and D too and a bunch of other stuff and bad liver, bad pancreas on scans. Ended up taking like 20 pills daily to get back on track. Several years of not enough sunlight, fresh air, physical activity, sleep, rest, balanced food etc. can do that for you, even if all was fine during college a decade before with a similar or worse lifestyle. The doctor went all no alcohol, no coffee, no fried meat, eat rabbit food, get some exercise, no more than two beers a week etc.

 

[bitterhope]

For what it’s worth, that’s not uncommon with the sort of civilian jobs that take a lot of your time and mental focus. A lot of people end up drained these days.

I agree. That’s why I mentioned in the other post that often other jobs are more stressful than being in the military.

Blue Eyed Lady has a good point about job prospects outside the Navy, especially with a special needs child. I know that’s why my husband returned to active duty. Financially and benefit wise many of us can’t do better than the military. Struggling more with the financial side will only increase employment stress and compound problems.

 

[chevalier]

Blue Eyed Lady has a good point about job prospects outside the Navy, especially with a special needs child. I know that’s why my husband returned to active duty. Financially and benefit wise many of us can’t do better than the military. Struggling more with the financial side will only increase employment stress and compound problems.

Defo. Besides, these days the labour market is getting riddled with issues, such as companies, managers and recruiters totally losing touch, getting entitled, treating people badly etc., as well as not too strong ethics in job negotiations. In the military you get all the drill and discipline, and while there certainly is an element of intrigue and politics, chances are you do avoid some of all the ‘conduct unbecoming’ that exists in the civilian world and actually get some respect, as well as a pension plan that’s not gonna disappear overnight when some lawyers and accountants concoct a convenient bankruptcy or something else like that. The Navy isn’t going anywhere, at least compared to the average civilian company or bank. The civilian side isn’t necessarily going to be any easier, and yes, suddenly returning to the civilian world and the shock of that change could perhaps compound the problems. And being unemployed is something that beats most things in terms of stressful. I’ve been on the verge of crazy from series of lost nights etc. at my work or having to do the week’s norm in a single day by working faster but no less carefully and then the same next day, but it wasn’t as bad as being unemployed, even when my family had the money to support me for quite some time without much hassle.

 

[jazzy0710]

Step one. He needs to get out of the navy. His family is in trouble and he is needed on that front.
Step two. Find a real professional therapist.
Step three. He may need help with a pornography addiction. This can be common in the military.

Thank you for your feedback. I am unsure about whether getting out is an option at this point in time because I don’t know if he actually wants to and he’s still under contract until September 2018. Finding a real therapist is an option. I’ll look into that this afternoon. As far as I know he doesn’t have a porn addiction. I know it’s easy to clear history on a computer but when he’s home if I also am we’re watching tv or doing housework and if i’m not home and he is then he’s looking after our son, watching sports, or writing in his journal or his poetry book.

 

[jazzy0710]

No???

He has ADHD, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. that’s 3 rather serious diagnoses.

Your husband is on medication for three serious medical/psychological problems. You have a two year old with autism.

I think those should be your focus and priority. Sex will need to take a back burner to these things. His condition(s) could be impacting his libido, or his medications could be, or the stress of his job and your child’s condition could be. Or all of the above combined together could be.

The two of you could sit down with his doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed the medicines to discuss them and their impact. His libido is also something he should be discussing with his doctor. I don’t think a therapist/social worker is the right person to discuss this with.

Ultimately, while your sex drive is important it’s not the most important thing in your life right now and you **may **need to shift your focus to self mastery and sacrifice for the good of the overall family.

Thank you Ike for your feedback and I think you’re right. I will find out when his next appointment is with his Psychiatrist and go along with him. I’ve done it before. I even called the Psychiatrist over the weekend when he was freaking out about something and I didn’t know what to do.

He actually isn’t being treated for anxiety or the bipolar though. His psychiatrist wanted to treat the ADHD for the time being because he said that if he was treated only for the bipolar that the meds for it could make the ADHD symptoms worse.

As far as our son’s Autism diagnosis goes, we do go to a local support group together. However it’s me that deals with the brunt of it because i’m the one that takes him to all of his therapies and doctor’s appointments as hubby is always at work.

So first things first I will call the clinic myself and inquire about seeing a real therapist. I’ll have a heart to heart with hubby when he gets home and also find out when his next psychiatrist appointment is.

Thank you Ike

 

[jazzy0710]

Seconding having a good long chat with his psychiatrist. Both mental health disorders and the medications used to treat them can affect libido. It’s quite likely that something there is an issue.

We atcually have had this issue long before the medication. He was put on it just in the last 2 weeks.

 

[jazzy0710]

I’m concerned about the idea of getting out of the military. If he’s a shift cook, the odds of him finding a civilian job with comparable pay and benefits are very low, unless he has spent his enlistment focusing heavily on his education.

He would NEVER find anything with the same rate of pay and benefits.