I feel like such a failure

[Snugglebugmom]

I have been thinking about my faith a lot, lately. I was your typical fallen-away Catholic (for the short and sweet version, see here and here.) and I found my way Home. Everything was looking up, I even conceived another child. My husband and I were not trying, not preventing, just letting God lead us. And in spite of my age (40 at the time) I conceived. And I couldn’t help but think this was a sign from God, this child was going to be born for a very specific reason, and I was happy. Two weeks later my husband lost his job. I was worried, but still happy and thinking:“God will provide, He will not forsake us.” And then, at twelve weeks pregnancy, we found out our baby had died three weeks prior.
I lost it. I was so angry, so sad, so hopeless, so despairing of God’s mercy. This (first and third post) is where you can see how I felt. I felt like the ground had been swept out from under my feet. I yelled, I screamed, I said terrible, terrible things to God.
It took five months for me to come around, to deal with it and to find my way back to God. I did not go to church in those five months, I could not pray, I was just angry, angry, angry.
I did find my way back, I went to confession, I have been going to Mass weekly again, and I am no longer angry.
I am sad. I feel like I failed God. I feel like losing my baby was God testing me, and the way I reacted, was a complete failure. I did not trust in His mercy. I did not say:“Lord, Your will, not mine, be done.” I was angry and sad and hopeless. Not once did I consider that this might have happened for a reason. Not once did I acknowledge that my little baby went to heaven to be with God, and was thus spared the pain and frustration and struggles that come with this earthly existence… so in effect, my baby was very fortunate. Not once.
I feel like a failure. I know I have been forgiven for my anger toward God, I went to confession and received absolution.
The thing is, I cannot forgive myself. I was tested, and I failed. Miserably. God gave His only Son to us, to die a horrible death so we can have a chance at eternal life. I repaid Him by yelling at Him and telling Him He was cruel and mean and unjust.

I am not looking for pats on the back, for “oh but you did nothing wrong” or things like that. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something like this, something they later on perceived to be a trial of sorts, a test, and felt like they failed God. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels like a failure this way, can I? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

 

[phoooiee]

I have been thinking about my faith a lot, lately. I was your typical fallen-away Catholic (for the short and sweet version, see here and here.) and I found my way Home. Everything was looking up, I even conceived another child. My husband and I were not trying, not preventing, just letting God lead us. And in spite of my age (40 at the time) I conceived. And I couldn’t help but think this was a sign from God, this child was going to be born for a very specific reason, and I was happy. Two weeks later my husband lost his job. I was worried, but still happy and thinking:“God will provide, He will not forsake us.” And then, at twelve weeks pregnancy, we found out our baby had died three weeks prior.
I lost it. I was so angry, so sad, so hopeless, so despairing of God’s mercy. This (first and third post) is where you can see how I felt. I felt like the ground had been swept out from under my feet. I yelled, I screamed, I said terrible, terrible things to God.
It took five months for me to come around, to deal with it and to find my way back to God. I did not go to church in those five months, I could not pray, I was just angry, angry, angry.
I did find my way back, I went to confession, I have been going to Mass weekly again, and I am no longer angry.
I am sad. I feel like I failed God. I feel like losing my baby was God testing me, and the way I reacted, was a complete failure. I did not trust in His mercy. I did not say:“Lord, Your will, not mine, be done.” I was angry and sad and hopeless. Not once did I consider that this might have happened for a reason. Not once did I acknowledge that my little baby went to heaven to be with God, and was thus spared the pain and frustration and struggles that come with this earthly existence… so in effect, my baby was very fortunate. Not once.
I feel like a failure. I know I have been forgiven for my anger toward God, I went to confession and received absolution.
The thing is, I cannot forgive myself. I was tested, and I failed. Miserably. God gave His only Son to us, to die a horrible death so we can have a chance at eternal life. I repaid Him by yelling at Him and telling Him He was cruel and mean and unjust.

I am not looking for pats on the back, for “oh but you did nothing wrong” or things like that. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something like this, something they later on perceived to be a trial of sorts, a test, and felt like they failed God. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels like a failure this way, can I? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Nope, you’re not the only one. Frankly, I do this all the time. This is the great gift that God gives to us; that we can be forgiven.

 

[fbl9]

The thing is, I cannot forgive myself. I was tested, and I failed. Miserably. God gave His only Son to us, to die a horrible death so we can have a chance at eternal life. I repaid Him by yelling at Him and telling Him He was cruel and mean and unjust.

I am not looking for pats on the back, for “oh but you did nothing wrong” or things like that. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something like this, something they later on perceived to be a trial of sorts, a test, and felt like they failed God. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels like a failure this way, can I? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Was out harvesting my crop on a windy day.Peas make a fluffy light swath that the wind can roll away easily and tumbling action breaks the pods open causing the peas to fall out.I prayed that the wind may die down or stay but no it got stronger and all i could do was watch the swaths blow away.Heart broken i said fine i will get you back and when the opportunity arose i did.
Now i am still struggling with this same sin which God freed me of before this event.

 

[Crumpy]

I had a kidney stone attack and I didn’t talk to God. I was preoccupied with just getting to the hospital, finding a parking space, etc. and I wasn’t thinking about God at all. I had this severe pain. I was in so much pain that my blood pressure was untypically low for me.

I think that low blood pressure gave me some amnesia to not remember exactly how painful it was.

It was only somewhat later that I began to come around and start talking to God about it and everything. Maybe a couple hours later.

It wasn’t that I was angry at God, that I can tell. I felt embarrassed to think “why me?” I had to admit, “why NOT me?” Maybe not everyone can get into that frame of mind.

The past is past, and what can we learn from it? St. Paul says that we should offer thanks to God “in all circumstances.” Like any other Biblical command, this one is pretty hard. We have to train ourself to do that, to give thanks to God 12 times a day, or more.

We need to be like Job, who lost everything in a day. We have to be ready to say “the LORD gives and the LORD takes away…Blessed be the Name of the LORD.”

I felt like a failure, in not praying when I was distracted by my pain. I feel like a failure when I realize that I should have been praying for something or someone. I feel like a failure when I sin and I have sinned beyond imagination.

Jesus said “blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” The “mourning” is first of all for sin, our own sins and then the sins of everyone. It says in Hebrews that we can confidently approach the divine seat of mercy, and we should. The first step is admitting our failure (I think).

 

[Reuben_J]

I have been thinking about my faith a lot, lately. I was your typical fallen-away Catholic (for the short and sweet version, see here and here.) and I found my way Home. Everything was looking up, I even conceived another child. My husband and I were not trying, not preventing, just letting God lead us. And in spite of my age (40 at the time) I conceived. And I couldn’t help but think this was a sign from God, this child was going to be born for a very specific reason, and I was happy. Two weeks later my husband lost his job. I was worried, but still happy and thinking:“God will provide, He will not forsake us.” And then, at twelve weeks pregnancy, we found out our baby had died three weeks prior.
I lost it. I was so angry, so sad, so hopeless, so despairing of God’s mercy. This (first and third post) is where you can see how I felt. I felt like the ground had been swept out from under my feet. I yelled, I screamed, I said terrible, terrible things to God.
It took five months for me to come around, to deal with it and to find my way back to God. I did not go to church in those five months, I could not pray, I was just angry, angry, angry.
I did find my way back, I went to confession, I have been going to Mass weekly again, and I am no longer angry.
I am sad. I feel like I failed God. I feel like losing my baby was God testing me, and the way I reacted, was a complete failure. I did not trust in His mercy. I did not say:“Lord, Your will, not mine, be done.” I was angry and sad and hopeless. Not once did I consider that this might have happened for a reason. Not once did I acknowledge that my little baby went to heaven to be with God, and was thus spared the pain and frustration and struggles that come with this earthly existence… so in effect, my baby was very fortunate. Not once.
I feel like a failure. I know I have been forgiven for my anger toward God, I went to confession and received absolution.
The thing is, I cannot forgive myself. I was tested, and I failed. Miserably. God gave His only Son to us, to die a horrible death so we can have a chance at eternal life. I repaid Him by yelling at Him and telling Him He was cruel and mean and unjust.

I am not looking for pats on the back, for “oh but you did nothing wrong” or things like that. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something like this, something they later on perceived to be a trial of sorts, a test, and felt like they failed God. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels like a failure this way, can I? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

I have not gone through anything like that and so I cannot offer you similar experience. However I am touched hearing that you came back to God; that you were inconsolable in your guilt against God. Do you know that there are many who want to be in your shoes but couldn’t? No, they do not want to lose a pregnancy or their jobs but coming back to God and repenting. You did that and you should boast about it. St. Paul said if we boast then boast about the Lord. He experienced persecution, shipwrecked, punishment and more. The only thing he had not was the sword, and that he did too in the final year of his life.

Following the Lord is always a tortuous journey and that’s why it is frightening. Until we are at our wit’s end then we can feel the Lord’s presence. Until we realize that we cannot care for our own then the Lord will come into the picture. It is so unfair but that’s the way it is. For God, time and space does not bind him yet he sees eternity.

When I was a small boy I lost my father whom I adored. I couldn’t understand it. I lived a shameful life without a dad. I used to shy away from my friends when they talked about their dads. I blamed God for taking the only thing that was precious to me. I could not forgive him for if he is a good God he would not deprive a little boy of his dad. I had issue with God until one day I am told that no matter what I experienced, God will always love me. That was difficult to fathom but that is true.

I hope you will discover on your own the truth that God always loves you. I don’t know how you will do it, but I hope you will discover it and that it is true.

God bless.

 

[joandarc2008]

One night I was really going through it and one of my friends who is Lutheran called me and I ended up giving her a short talk on redemptive suffering. Sometimes when all else fails and our suffering is not due to our sin or to teach us a lesson it is so that we can share in the intimacy of Christ’s suffering on the Cross. I guess at that moment I needed to hear it. I don’t think it did my friend much good - she was drunk but it did me a lot of good to hear me say it -so I hope it helps you. Pax et Bonum.

 

[bo_leggs]

I 1980, when I was 30, a cow attacked me and tore up my knee. I had surgery on it, and the doctor tried to repair the cartilage that was torn up. It didn’t heal correctly, and I had a lot of pain. Finally, four years later, I had to have the cartilage taken out, which lead to arthritis and a lot of pain. My orthopedic surgeon didn’t want to do a knee replacement until I reached 65, so I suffered for 25 years with knee pain. Unfortunately, during these years of favoring my right knee, my left knee became severely worn and arthritis set in in it. Then in 2000 I began having severe pain in my lower back, with pain that would shoot down my left leg, and sometimes down my right leg, too. Tests were run, and they showed I have spinal stenosis. I began getting steroid injections in my lower back. You are supposed to be allowed only 3 every six months, but I had 9 in less than a year. I was also on a fentanyl patch and was taking methadone, lortab 10, and tramadol daily trying to tolerate the pain. In January of 2002, I had back surgery. At all of my follow up appointments with the surgeon, I heard about what a wonderful job he had done with my surgery, but never did he have an answer as to why I hurt worse than before. In November 2003, the pain was so bad I had to give up farming and driving a school bus and became disabled. I had turned 54 in October. My days are usually spent in my recliner, my nights, too, because I can’t sleep in a regular bed. In 2007, I began having pain in my neck that would travel across my shoulder and down my left arm occasionally. I have essentially the same thing going on in my neck as I have in my lower back. So I started getting steroid injections in my neck. Those injections seemed to work pretty good. I could go six to eight months between injection series. I January 2009, my knee had deteriorated to the point where steroid injections were not working for the pain, which was then unbearable. I was still wearing the fentanyl patch and taking methadone, lortab 10, and tramadol daily. I finally got my new right knee. I wanted both knees replaced, but my orthopedic surgeon didn’t think my left knee was bad enough yet. Then in October 2009, I fell and broke my leg, a compound fracture of both tibia and fibula, with the fibula actually broken just above my ankle and three inches below my knee. I was confined to my recliner for 5 1/2 months, only able to get up to go to the bathroom or to the kitchen for something to eat. The rest of the time I was confined to the recliner with my leg, in an external fixator to hold everything in place, resting on two pillows. During this time, I had three surgeries on it, and even after the last one, the doctor wasn’t sure he would be able to save my foot. Luckily he did. I was finally able to walk again, until July 2010 when something went wrong in my left knee. The doctor didn’t want to do a knee replacement because he didn’t think it was messed up very bad, even after the MRI showed it was a mess. I don’t think he ever looked at the MRI results. So I had arthroscopic surgery. The doctor admitted after the surgery that I need a knee replacement. Great. This September I suddenly started having continuous burning pain from my neck down into my left hand. More severe than I had ever had. This time the three shot steroid injection series did not get rid of my pain. It reduced it significantly, but it did not get rid of it. The first week of November, the pain came back full force. It was so bad I wasn’t even able to lay on the table of the MRI machine. And finally on Friday after Thanksgiving, I fell down the stairs from the upstairs, all the way down on my butt and back. I broke my tailbone and cracked a vertebra, and the pain is bad enough that I don’t notice my arm burning. What has my relationship with God been like? Well, this past year I have been very angry with him. I have cussed him and yelled at him and cried. But I have also relied on him more than ever. I have to keep reminding myself that my pain and suffering is for some purpose, and I keep offering it up to Jesus, as Paul did, for the furtherance of His mission on earth, for the salvation of souls, and for all those, especially the most abandoned soul, in Purgatory. But it’s not easy and each new day I have to start over again. Please pray for me. I will pray for all of you. God bless.

 

[bo_leggs]

And being a farmer, I also have stories of crop failures. One fall I had a beautiful milo crop, but it wasn’t drying down very fast. When I was finally dry enough to cut, I cut a load and took it to the elevator. They refused it because they were full of wet milo, and even though mine was dryer than most of the milo that had been brought in earlier, they wouldn’t take it. It rained the next day, then it snowed, then the blackbirds from Cheyenne Bottoms started coming in. In a week they ate 90 acres of some of the best milo I ever had. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see the big bands of blackbirds snaking across the sky in the fall. That wasn’t my biggest crop failure, but it was the worst emotionally. The worst financially was 440 acres of ripe wheat hailed flat, and I didn’t have insurance. Or when I lost half of my cow herd from tainted protein tubs. Those are hard to take and you can only say, “Why, God?” And there’s no answer, but we go on anyway, still praying, still believing. I know what it is like to feel like a failure.

 

[Snugglebugmom]

Bo leggs, wow, I don’t know what to say… You sure have your crosses to bear. I have no idea what it is like to live with such severe pain for so long, and I admire you for being able to do it. You will be in my prayers.

Do you know that there are many who want to be in your shoes but couldn’t? No, they do not want to lose a pregnancy or their jobs but coming back to God and repenting. You did that and you should boast about it. St. Paul said if we boast then boast about the Lord.

Reuben, yes, I realize that I am lucky in that respect. God called me back, and I could not turn a deaf ear. I am not so much proud of that as I am thankful. What I had wasn’t really a crisis of faith, because I never doubted God’s existence. What I questioned was His love, His justness if you will.

Thank you all for your replies, it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one that feels that they have come up short!

 

[57classic]

Oh please don’t feel like a failure for being human. It takes a long time to work through our faults and flaws and thank God every day when we get the time on earth to work through them! This business of growing up and maturing to a Christian adult takes all of our lives to accomplish and the important thing is that you are working on it. My dad died at 68 years old, however he really liked being 24 so that is pretty much where he stayed most of his life.
You on the other hand, are doing the right things, maybe taking more time than you think you should but you will now have experiences you can offer to someone else and you just might be what they need! Offer up all this, Jesus will make good come out of the hurt and anger.
Having had a very difficult pregnancy at 38 and being told by my doctor that if I did that again in his opinion I would die and leave all the kids without a mother, perhaps your pregnancy at 40 wasn’t what God had in mind for your family. Sounds harsh, I know but as you said the child is with God now!

 

[trials]

Been there, shouted at God, asked Him “why me” about a million times. On several occasions in fact, including a very badly-borne miscarriage in 2005.

The most helpful and enlightening thing I’ve read about this was from St. Teresa of Avila, Doctor of the Church, who in her Life, said that God actually “allows” us to fall sometimes - it keeps us humble, and once we get over the initial discouragement of our fall, we are all the more determined to purify ourselves for God. I think Blessed John Henry Newman said that “a soul at peace is a soul in trouble”. If we believed we were doing well spiritually, we would be tempted to become complacent, and then the door is opened for the bad guy to come in, because as you well know, there are no plains or standing stones in the spiritual life, it’s either up or down. It’s all about ongoing conversion, and what better way to desire to improve ourselves than to be humbled by a fall.

Once we have surrendered to God’s will, which you clearly have, God spiritually forms us - even since my re-conversion to the faith I have made spectacular falls. Not that they were into mortal sin, as in the past, but things I knew I should be striving to avoid. But ultimately these falls which keep happening, make me strive all the more to try and purge myself of the obstacles I place between myself and God.

 

[LLMom]

Yes, I’ve BTDT way too many times. I finally have accepted that I don’t have to figure out why He allowed something; He knows a lot more than me. It doesn’t ease the pain at first. It is a slow acceptance.

 

[asia53]

Once we have surrendered to God’s will, which you clearly have, God spiritually forms us - even since my re-conversion to the faith I have made spectacular falls. Not that they were into mortal sin, as in the past, but things I knew I should be striving to avoid. But ultimately these falls which keep happening, make me strive all the more to try and purge myself of the obstacles I place between myself and God.

Thank you for writing that. I needed to read it.

God bless you!