I feel my wife is controlling

[Adamski]

Gee, I feel so good that I have a wife who can budget a household for less than $30,000, with five kids.

No, if only I could get out of grad school so she didn’t have to!

In the eight years I have been married I make about 150k a year with 2008 only making 30k and 2006 making 250k. And we have always had enough it is just she will never listen to my budgeting ideas it has to be her way such as when I found away to cut our health insurance in half or my life insurance down she refused to meet with the people because she was to busy but when when she finds something I better sign up now questions asked. I would actually say she is very good with money we only have a 15 year loan on our house and money saved for retirement. It is just that I don’t get a say in how things are spent and I make all the money. I don’t get to pick the charities she picks were we donate money also (world vision)

 

[DAML72]

I have seen this attitude of wives expecting their husbands to provide, but then get angry that he has to work late or go in on the weekend. I don’t get it. It isn’t like he wants to be working, unless it is to escape from a poor home life.
When my husband has to go in or stay late, I miss him terribly, we all do. But such is life. We make do without him and celebrate his homecoming. I would never dream of complaining about him being a hard worker and being employed full-time. Now, of course, workaholics are a different problem altogether. But there is an obvious difference between a hard worker and a workaholic, in my opinion.

Exactly - there are people who are workaholics. I was married to one (until he left to be with a woman he works with). When someone spends every waking minute on conference calls, responding to emails, etc., they are avoiding something. They may be providing for the family financially, but spiritually and emotionally, they are completely absent. It’s an addiction and is damaging to relationships.

 

[Xantippe]

LongingSoul said:

“The thing is that we can know ‘disrespect’ objectively and address it immediately.”

I don’t think we can, actually. Disrespect is the other person’s internal attitude.

We can only evaluate appearances.

Groo said:

“So since he is ‘only’ a landscaper and not a surgeon she should feel free to interrupt him at any time and expect immediate attention? I found that a bit offensive.”

I’ve given the phrasing for telling her he’ll talk later a number of times. A lot of you guys think you can just cut her off cold and walk away and have a swell marriage. What I’m telling you is that she can be put off until a more convenient time, but Adamski needs to be very careful with his language, as she’s at a very vulnerable time in her life.

And anybody who doesn’t believe me should start googling “hysterectomy” “emotional and psychological effects.” This is not some uniquely weird behavior on her part.

Adamski:

Do a personal finance course and do a monthly budget with your wife. You can easily find a course that meets at a Protestant church that she would find palatable.

daveramsey.com/fpu/home/

You do have to be prepared for a lot of weirdness and erratic behavior from your wife until she settles down after her hysterectomy. This is not forever.

Best wishes!

 

[DAML72]

In the eight years I have been married I make about 150k a year with 2008 only making 30k and 2006 making 250k. And we have always had enough it is just she will never listen to my budgeting ideas it has to be her way such as when I found away to cut our health insurance in half or my life insurance down she refused to meet with the people because she was to busy but when when she finds something I better sign up now questions asked. I would actually say she is very good with money we only have a 15 year loan on our house and money saved for retirement. It is just that I don’t get a say in how things are spent and I make all the money. I don’t get to pick the charities she picks were we donate money also (world vision)

I think that your marriage would be helped by you taking a more assertive position on some of these matters. As much as modern society tells us otherwise, I think that women do want men to take the reigns. It may just be me projecting my own experiences here, but I think that women get anxious when their husbands don’t command the ship. Why don’t you get to pick charities? Because you don’t say to her, “I’m going to be part of this.”

Women don’t respond well to men who are passive. I dated a man who blamed all his financial woes on his ex-wife. Well, she may have buried them, but he let her make all those bad decisions. Start with small things here and there, but take control. She’ll respect you more for it, and probably be more attracted to you as a result.

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, for the guys who think that cutting your wife off cold mid-conversation with no softeners is a good idea, I have to confess that if my husband were that curt with me, we’d wind up having a half hour-long “discussion” devoted entirely to explaining why his phrasing hurt my feelings and was disrespectful and rude and he’d never treat anybody else on earth like that except telemarketers, so why does he feel like he can treat me that way?

Maybe that means that I’m a bad person, but I’m just warning anybody who wants to go down the road of curt conversation enders that with a lot of women it would be a really, really bad idea.

A really, really, really, really bad idea.

I’m not sure I’ve added enough reallies to that sentence.

You guys have no idea what a bad idea it is.

It’s so easy to do this right–you just have to add a few extra softening, affectionate words. How hard is that?

 

[DAML72]

By the way, for the guys who think that cutting your wife off cold mid-conversation with no softeners is a good idea, I have to confess that if my husband were that curt with me, we’d wind up having a half hour-long “discussion” devoted entirely to explaining why his phrasing hurt my feelings and was disrespectful and rude and he’d never treat anybody else on earth like that except telemarketers, so why does he feel like he can treat me that way?

Maybe that means that I’m a bad person, but I’m just warning anybody who wants to go down the road of curt conversation enders that with a lot of women it would be a really, really bad idea.

A really, really, really, really bad idea.

I’m not sure I’ve added enough reallies to that sentence.

You guys have no idea what a bad idea it is.

It’s so easy to do this right–you just have to add a few extra softening, affectionate words. How hard is that?

I agree. The only time that approach should be used is with abusers - and even then it should be explained beforehand that you are setting a boundary and will react by walking away if the behavior continues. But to just walk away - it’s completely disrespectful and a good way to destroy a relationship - not to build it up.

 

[Groo]

I think that your marriage would be helped by you taking a more assertive position on some of these matters. As much as modern society tells us otherwise, I think that women do want men to take the reigns. It may just be me projecting my own experiences here, but I think that women get anxious when their husbands don’t command the ship. Why don’t you get to pick charities? Because you don’t say to her, “I’m going to be part of this.”

Women don’t respond well to men who are passive. I dated a man who blamed all his financial woes on his ex-wife. Well, she may have buried them, but he let her make all those bad decisions. Start with small things here and there, but take control. She’ll respect you more for it, and probably be more attracted to you as a result.

I agree that the husband needs to take the reigns. But I don’t know practical steps to do that when she adamantly refuses to follow.

 

[Groo]

By the way, for the guys who think that cutting your wife off cold mid-conversation with no softeners is a good idea, I have to confess that if my husband were that curt with me, we’d wind up having a half hour-long “discussion” devoted entirely to explaining why his phrasing hurt my feelings and was disrespectful and rude and he’d never treat anybody else on earth like that except telemarketers, so why does he feel like he can treat me that way?

Maybe that means that I’m a bad person, but I’m just warning anybody who wants to go down the road of curt conversation enders that with a lot of women it would be a really, really bad idea.

A really, really, really, really bad idea.

I’m not sure I’ve added enough reallies to that sentence.

You guys have no idea what a bad idea it is.

It’s so easy to do this right–you just have to add a few extra softening, affectionate words. How hard is that?

I will never allow someone to abuse me, verbally or physically. And I don’t respond with kid gloves. If someone, anyone, attacks me I will remove myself from the situation without apology.

And for those who think I am some sort of monster, I only needed to remove myself from my wife’s nagging on one occasion on one day. That was years ago. The nagging has not returned and our relationship improves every year.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Agree with Groo’s approach. I’m not afraid to let her know I respond a lot better to honey than to acid. The girl who knows that about me can get away with a lot.

 

[LongingSoul]

LongingSoul said:

“The thing is that we can know ‘disrespect’ objectively and address it immediately.”

I don’t think we can, actually. Disrespect is the other person’s internal attitude.

We can only evaluate appearances.

Honestly, you have this the wrong way around. Disrespect pertains to the quality of the words or actions directed at another person… not the nature of an internal disposition. A persons internal disposition could range from ignorant, irritated, annoyed, angry or vengeful in motivating disrepectful words or actions towards another. Hurt by itself does not motivate disrespect. When someone is faced with disrespect of themselves in some way, they can be very confident in what they feel and speak directly to the unjust behaviour. There is a time and place for addressing the underlying difficulties, but not in that atmosphere where there is a defensive dynamic going on.

The OP conveyed some sense of theoretical emasculation that is a common experience for a man with a hyper critical spouse. If that isn’t checked early in the relationship, it poisons the water of the marital well at its source.

 

[Adamski]

I think that your marriage would be helped by you taking a more assertive position on some of these matters. As much as modern society tells us otherwise, I think that women do want men to take the reigns. It may just be me projecting my own experiences here, but I think that women get anxious when their husbands don’t command the ship. Why don’t you get to pick charities? Because you don’t say to her, “I’m going to be part of this.”

Women don’t respond well to men who are passive. I dated a man who blamed all his financial woes on his ex-wife. Well, she may have buried them, but he let her make all those bad decisions. Start with small things here and there, but take control. She’ll respect you more for it, and probably be more attracted to you as a result.

I am considered extremely assertive by everyone I know, my wife claims constantly tells me to " get with the times".

I have a close friend who is a fireman and was going to be Captain if he passed a certain test but his wife wanted to become a volunteer fireman and he wasn’t able to take the test even though he is the sole bread winner in his family and I sat down with him and told him that he needed take the test and do what was best for his family. He said it isn’t 1955 in his house like it is in mine and his wife would leave if he put his foot down for what is right

 

[PaulinVA]

Adamski:

She will not let my children get baptized because she only believes in adult baptism and currently my five year old is asking to get baptized and is getting a little upset with my wife. In 2 weeks my five year old and I will be attending the baptism class at our parish. My wife now says she is ready for my daughter to get baptized because “it is clear she has the appropriate faith”. But she has to get baptized in a different church which my wife only attends 10-15 times a year “when she needs to be fed spiritually”. My five year old says she doesn’t want to to get baptized there because “they jump up and down and run around like crazy there and don’t have father Roy”. I have been very patient and will be taking a strong stand on this

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[Xantippe]

So, the OP’s friend thinks the OP is very assertive and acts like it’s 1955. Maybe both the OP and his wife are really assertive and they both need to learn a little followership?

Once again, I suggest doing a personal finance class with your wife, figuring out how to jointly make financial decisions and a monthly budget, and then see if you can transfer those skills to the rest of your life together. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University has a lot of stuff on relationships and decision-making. DR is an Evangelical guy, so doing FPU should be culturally palatable to your wife, particularly as they’re generally hosted at Protestant churches. He’s very big on both spouses getting a voice in finances. And that means both spouses–even the one who is terrible with money, or who isn’t bringing in an income. Both get a say, they keep talking until they’ve got a livable, realistic budget, and then they stick to it for the whole month and any sizable deviations from the budget need mutual approval.

Adamski, just looking at your post history and from hearing about your (very successful) professional life, I’m thinking that you may be on the positive side a high energy, high performance, creative guy but at the same time maybe a little ADHD, maybe a little scattershot (this combination is pretty common among entrepreneurial types). Your other CAF posts are just all over the place. It may be that your wife has learned to distrust your judgment on certain things, and that that’s why she is fighting back so hard with regard to finances and other things, and of course the hormonal disruptions caused by her hysterectomy probably aren’t helping.

Best wishes!

 

[Adamski]

So, the OP’s friend thinks the OP is very assertive and acts like it’s 1955. Maybe both the OP and his wife are really assertive and they both need to learn a little followership?

Once again, I suggest doing a personal finance class with your wife, figuring out how to jointly make financial decisions and a monthly budget, and then see if you can transfer those skills to the rest of your life together. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University has a lot of stuff on relationships and decision-making. DR is an Evangelical guy, so doing FPU should be culturally palatable to your wife, particularly as they’re generally hosted at Protestant churches. He’s very big on both spouses getting a voice in finances. And that means both spouses–even the one who is terrible with money, or who isn’t bringing in an income. Both get a say, they keep talking until they’ve got a livable, realistic budget, and then they stick to it for the whole month and any sizable deviations from the budget need mutual approval.

Adamski, just looking at your post history and from hearing about your (very successful) professional life, I’m thinking that you may be on the positive side a high energy, high performance, creative guy but at the same time maybe a little ADHD, maybe a little scattershot (this combination is pretty common among entrepreneurial types). Your other CAF posts are just all over the place. It may be that your wife has learned to distrust your judgment on certain things, and that that’s why she is fighting back so hard with regard to finances and other things, and of course the hormonal disruptions caused by her hysterectomy probably aren’t helping.

Best wishes!

I would say that is fairly right on

I would say it is challenging for my wife to manage the financing because one year I will make 250k and the next year I will make 50k, but are credit scores are both very high, my house will be paid off when I am 50 and we have money saved for retirement. I think the things that bother me about her purchasing is all the little and extra stuff. It is because when I was little my father rarely had a job and we had very little while my wife grew up in a large house on a lake and had every extra thing when she was little. Now my parents live a simple life with a large retirement saved and her parents are almost broke. I think we will be fine though.

Also yes I am a risk taker but things work out most of the time. I have skied of the top of most mountains people would think would be impossible (mt rainer for example) and made it through a rescission in a business where at least 20% of them are gone from 6 years ago.

I would say a major problem I have is it is hard for me to forgive her that she used an iud and when I said it was not ok she this forced me for years not to seek intimacy; ethically she wouldn’t even listen to our councilor who was baptist that told her it wasn’t ok if she considered her self pro life. Also I am having a hard time forgiving her with the mess when we left our evangelical church I was in a very low place and the pastor threatened me with the soon coming rapture if I wasn’t baptized an I told him I couldn’t be because the bible says their is only one baptism. This pastor’s brother also mocked my grandmother because she went to daily mass when I asked him of the lead pastor to apologize for mocking others they refused. My wife basically took the side of the pastor and did not side with me for at least a year as me and the pastor exchanged blunt theological emails