I feel pressured by my friend to keep lying to someone but feel very un-Christian. Does anyone have any advice?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Thyme
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Thyme

Guest
Hello,

I am having a small dilemna. I feel very un-Christian that I am lying to someone but another person believes that we should. The lying isn’t to protect anyone from something negative- it’s purely out of selfishness. I’m sorry this is a long read, but I needed to write it all in order to receive the advice I need.
  1. I have been giving person#1 lift to university, but person#2 from my course lives next to him.
  2. Person#2 was quite nasty to me last year, but is okay this year. He changed as soon as he found out I was giving person#1 lifts into university. He told person#1 he would apologise to me but never did. However, I’m not annoyed about it any more.
  3. I have begun to give person#2 lifts in once a week and lifts back twice a week, but person#1 (who is my boyfriend) doesn’t want me to give him any more, or we could not have much time alone together- I agree with this. He also doesn’t want me to because of the way person#2 treated me last year and that he only changed after finding out I was giving person#1 lifts.
  4. Person#2 keeps asking for lifts in every day. Person#1 is telling him that my car is already full, so he keeps asking me if I can ask them to find another way in. I don’t want to keep lying and I feel very un-Christian by not giving him a lift. I am currently having a debate with person#1 about it.
Thank you very much for reading that. I would greatly appreciate any advice.
 
Thyme said:
Hello,

I am having a small dilemna. I feel very un-Christian that I am lying to someone but another person believes that we should. The lying isn’t to protect anyone from something negative- it’s purely out of selfishness. I’m sorry this is a long read, but I needed to write it all in order to receive the advice I need.
  1. I have been giving person#1 lift to university, but person#2 from my course lives next to him.
  2. Person#2 was quite nasty to me last year, but is okay this year. He changed as soon as he found out I was giving person#1 lifts into university. He told person#1 he would apologise to me but never did. However, I’m not annoyed about it any more.
  3. I have begun to give person#2 lifts in once a week and lifts back twice a week, but person#1 (who is my boyfriend) doesn’t want me to give him any more, or we could not have much time alone together- I agree with this. He also doesn’t want me to because of the way person#2 treated me last year and that he only changed after finding out I was giving person#1 lifts.
  4. Person#2 keeps asking for lifts in every day. Person#1 is telling him that my car is already full, so he keeps asking me if I can ask them to find another way in. I don’t want to keep lying and I feel very un-Christian by not giving him a lift. I am currently having a debate with person#1 about it.
Thank you very much for reading that. I would greatly appreciate any advice.
Click to expand...
If you are Catholic, person #1 should be yourself and you wouldn’t have any problems like that!
 
It is wrong to lie. Do not lie anymore.

If you are an adult, act like one. All this sneaking around is silly.

Communicate **directly **with everyone involved and set **your **boundaries. Tell your boyfriend to stop pressuring you to lie and to be uncharitable towards this other person.

If you want to give both rides, do so. You tell them which days you will be available for lifts. It’s you going out of your way to do this. Also, don’t be shy asking for gas money to split the cost of the carpool.

If you don’t want to give him a ride ever day, then tell person #2 that you will be able to give him rides on X days and that’s it.
 
You should not feel pressured by either your boyfriend or the person seeking a lift to do something or not do it. Tell the person that you will no longer be able to accommodate him and tell him he will need to make other arrangements by the end of the week (or whatever date would be reasonable). Don’t make it an open ended date which will only allow foot dragging and add to your discomfort. You don’t owe the person any explanation for why you can’t accommodate him. That way you needn’t lie or feel like you need to sneak around so he doesn’t see you. It would be very rude of someone to put you on the spot and ask you why you can’t provide this service. You’ve been more than generous. You sound like a person who wants to do good for everyone. Sometimes it just isn’t possible. God bless you.
 
Thyme said:
  1. Person#2 keeps asking for lifts in every day. Person#1 is telling him that my car is already full, so he keeps asking me if I can ask them to find another way in. I don’t want to keep lying and I feel very un-Christian by not giving him a lift. I am currently having a debate with person#1 about it.
Click to expand...
First off, it wasn’t a very long post (despite your warning), and you explained the situation very well!

Para (4) really jumped out to me as strange behaviour by person #2. He should be grateful for the 3 lifts he gets each week, and leave it at that (and, as 1Ke said, he should contribute petrol money). It’s your car, and your time, and it seems very rude to expect more, especially to expect you to ask these other (mythical) people to find another way in! It is so strange, as to make me wonder whether there is something else going on here. Is person #2 just pathologically selfish and insensitive, or is he trying to spend more time with you, or is he trying to disturb your relationship with person #1 - I can’t know, but I ask you to think about it.

As for the “lying” - remember that we are not obliged to tell the whole truth to people who are not entitled to hear it, and we may use “discreet” language in some situations (see CCC #2488 and #2489) . Person #2 is not entitled to know what you do with your car, and it would be generally better to not tell him. When you say “the car is full”, without specifically mentioning other people, then that may be enough of the truth for him. Just ask yourself - would you be giving a regular ride on these other days to anyone else? If not, then in a sense, the car is “full”.

I cannot advise you for sure whether saying “the car is full” is within acceptable limits for “discreet” language, but only offer the suggestion that it MAY be. On the other hand, you have to live with this as an ongoing problem, and it might be better to be more direct.
This post took a while to write, and PattiDay’s response, suggesting a firmer approach, has come in. I agree with that too.
 
Time for everyone in this scenario to “man up”. Since you have the car, take charge.

It’s not clear what you want to do. You need to decide.

If you want to give your boyfriend a ride every day, fine. Do it.

If you want to give person 2 a ride when they need one, fine, Do it.

If giving person 2 a ride interferes with your time with boyfriend and you would prefer this not to happen, do not give rides to person 2 when giving rides to your boyfriend. You do not need to explain, but if you do, simply tell the truth.

If boyfriend or person 2 do not like this arrangement, let them find their own ride.

If need be, refer boyfriend to this site and we’ll tell him to “man up”.

Problem solved. No need to lie.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top