I feel sad about the state of marriage these days

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SpeakKindly

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As a person soon to be getting married, it’s hard not to notice these things. I’m sure I’m not the only one, of course. Marriage today, by mainstream views, just feels so cheap…so cheap in fact that it’s easily destroyed by a few scribbles on a piece of paper.

I was thinking about how a marriage is like a covenant, and how God treated His covenant with Israel, even as they turned their backs on Him.

What’s going on with us all, why is marriage so flimsy to so many?
 
I know what you mean…but every marriage is different so its hard to judge them all by the same measure…

The reason i think marriage has gotten that way is people just dont mean their vows…if they meant them then they would live by them and stick by their spouse in sickness and health and in richer and poorer and for better and worse etc instead of splitting up and divorcing at the smallest disagreement…

Dont judge your future marriage by the state of other peoples marriages…you and your future spouse can make the decision to mean your vows and to stay together through good and bad times…

Also remember in any future arguing with your future spouse…you are both a team…meaning you arent enemies, you are both on the same side…i think alot of couples forget that and that causes their relationship to break down too
 
Yes this is why I think no-fault divorce should be illegal.

Although getting a heavy cross like having an unfaithful spouse while you remain faithful in your valid marriage would probably draw one very close to Jesus. So there’s always an upside.
 
I sympathise.

When I got married a few years ago there were several conversations with friends about what marriage meant to them. So many - all the non Catholics - said it was just a piece of paper and that the marriage ceremony was a nice ritual but nothing more. I felt insulted even though that was not aimed at my marriage, but it felt personal because these conversations were inspired by my wedding. I wished I had more friends who understood what happened that day at church, rather than be surrounded by so much superficiality.

Don’t let this get to you. Show the world things can be different and better by having a marriage that God wants you to have.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I sympathise.

When I got married a few years ago there were several conversations with friends about what marriage meant to them. So many - all the non Catholics - said it was just a piece of paper and that the marriage ceremony was a nice ritual but nothing more. I felt insulted even though that was not aimed at my marriage, but it felt personal because these conversations were inspired by my wedding. I wished I had more friends who understood what happened that day at church, rather than be surrounded by so much superficiality.

Don’t let this get to you. Show the world things can be different and better by having a marriage that God wants you to have.
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That’s the plan. 🙂 thanks.
 
SpeakKindly said:
As a person soon to be getting married, it’s hard not to notice these things. I’m sure I’m not the only one, of course. Marriage today, by mainstream views, just feels so cheap…so cheap in fact that it’s easily destroyed by a few scribbles on a piece of paper.

I was thinking about how a marriage is like a covenant, and how God treated His covenant with Israel, even as they turned their backs on Him.

What’s going on with us all, why is marriage so flimsy to so many?
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Unbridled narcissism and moral relativity are two of the most highly esteemed values in society today. Trial marriages, no-fault divorce and the promotion of the idea that single parents are somehow superheroes imbued with extraordinary powers the rest of us don’t have are popular as well. Doing what feels good is far more important than doing what’s right. Aside from the handful of people who I know have cheated (and are possibly still cheating) on their spouses, porn use, strip clubs, flirting and other activities that border on or cross the line of infidelity are widespread and accepted. In fact, even among many Catholic/Christian women I know, refusing to openly use porn or go to strip clubs gets you branded a variety of names that question your manhood and/or sexuality, and get you called a liar. Adultery is no longer a taboo but is now a normal, reputable pastime.

I have several family members who have gone through divorces and everyone, even the most devout Catholics in the family, talks about how good the experience was and how happy they were afterward. The other spouse is always demonized and shunned from the family, even when the blood relative was the one who was the cheating/abusive partner. Anyone who refuses to refer to spouse number two, three, four, etc. as aunt or uncle is considered mean or completely wrong from a religious standpoint. I’ve seen the same thing among friends, with the one who was a decent, faithful spouse most often being the one shunned from the group while the scoundrel is patted on the back for doing something they should have done months or years ago. My wife and I, who received lots of encouragement from friends and even family on both sides early in our marriage to get a divorce, aren’t even to our 20th anniversary but we’re more and more seen as an exception among our peers.

This all makes it difficult to stay optimistic about marriage in general, but we don’t let it get us down about our own marriage. We know what it means to be in a sacramental marriage and we refuse to be influenced by our family and friends’ secular, contemporary views, regardless of how many succumb to them.
 
I think premarital sex is a huge part re why people get divorced. When A couple is sexually intimate, they make the decision re marriage based on their sexual compatibility.

But when a couple does not have pre-marital sex, they are forced to learn more about the potential spouse’s views on values, family, raising kids, religion, etc.

Premarital sex makes it easy for a couple to miss incompatibilities in these areas, hence the couple realizes later that they really are not compatible, and then don’t have the patience to work it out for the kids.

Also, people today think that marriage is just something that people who love each other do. They don’t see it as primarily a God created institution designed for the creation of a family.
 
I have been listening to a recording of Venerable Archbishop Sheen about marriage. One of the things he talks about is how many people expect that life should have no trials and tribulations. That many enter marriage for the sake of their egos and when a particular marriage no longer satisfies and up lifts them then they want out. He points out that any emptiness in marriage comes not from the other person, but from a lack of God in their marriage.

Our pastor recently was talking about an issue with marriage today being an impermanence in society. Life long commitment is seen as almost silly. Think of how many people live in the same house for 20+ years, live in the same community for most of their lives, or work for the same company for more than 5-10 years. In a society that says when you are unhappy change, start over, then marriage too is seen the same way. If this person no longer makes me happy then I need to find someone who will.

Ever since the scourge of no fault divorce was embraced most people have accepted that permanence of marriage is a nice goal, but ultimately unrealistic since people naturally “fall out of love”. It is this view of marriage as something for me rather than the good of our spouse that leads to so many problems. When problems arise we should offer up our suffering for the redemption of our spouse not focus on how we are not being fulfilled. When you take God out of the equation though that concept is completely lost.

I wish I knew how to fix it, but all I can do is pray and try to uplift those I come into contact with.
 
SpeakKindly said:
As a person soon to be getting married, it’s hard not to notice these things. I’m sure I’m not the only one, of course. Marriage today, by mainstream views, just feels so cheap…so cheap in fact that it’s easily destroyed by a few scribbles on a piece of paper.

I was thinking about how a marriage is like a covenant, and how God treated His covenant with Israel, even as they turned their backs on Him.

What’s going on with us all, why is marriage so flimsy to so many?
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Your consternation, and that of others here, might be your confusion of marriage with Holy Matrimony.

marriage is a secular institution bound by contract and man made law.

Holy Matrimony is is sacramental, and a covenant made between man and woman before God.

I am married, that is I entered into a contract, only to fulfill man’s secular law.

However, I received the sacrament to fulfill the will of God, to enter into the covenant, and to receive the sacramental graces which truly makes my loving relationship with my wife a Godly and good thing that cannot ever be cheapened by changes in the view or definition of secular marriage.
 
Neofight said:
Your consternation, and that of others here, might be your confusion of marriage with Holy Matrimony.

marriage is a secular institution bound by contract and man made law.

Holy Matrimony is is sacramental, and a covenant made between man and woman before God.

I am married, that is I entered into a contract, only to fulfill man’s secular law.

However, I received the sacrament to fulfill the will of God, to enter into the covenant, and to receive the sacramental graces which truly makes my loving relationship with my wife a Godly and good thing that cannot ever be cheapened by changes in the view or definition of secular marriage.
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While I understand what you are saying, it is precisely this type of mental gymnastics that can lead to issues. Separating it into two divisions of contract and covenant further breaks down the basis of what God calls us to. He set forth what marriage is and by saying God can have one set of rules and man can have another set we betray what God set forth. We cannot support this dualistic view that civil and sacred are only tenuously linked if we have any hope that marriage is not headed for the sanitation dump.
 
There is a real issue with commitment right now. We are constantly taught that an unburdened life is the way to happiness and that marriage is a burden. So once things get tough people decide that the way to happiness is to just get a divorce instead of realizing that by standing by each other a marriage can be strengthened. Most probably don’t understand that “in good times and in bad” really means that at times life is still going to test us. And anymore, people go into marriage preparing for a divorce - hence the prenuptial agreement.
 
I don’t mean to be oppositional or argumentative, but my experience with marriage is somewhat different. I don’t have friends who think of marriage as something that exists only on a piece of paper. Many of my friends are not Catholic (probably most are not Catholic) so they probably don’t view marriage at the Sacramental level like we do.

Nonetheless, everyone I know thinks of marriage as a solid, binding, enormously significant commitment.

Have there been divorces amongst my group of friends/acquaintances? Yes, unfortunately. But I’ve yet to come across someone who regards marriage as flimsy.
 
I think relationships in general starting with dating are portrayed unrealistically in the media, for one thing.

Also there’s this idea of “free love” is that is incompatible with natural law.
 
SpeakKindly said:
What’s going on with us all, why is marriage so flimsy to so many?
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Because, unlike the decades before the 60s, people now believe divorce is a viable option. But, if there is a ray of hope, it is that divorce rates are trending down over the past 2 decades or so. Except for the current spike by boomers in the latter years of marriage, the marriages that do happen seem to be more durable.
 
on_the_hill said:
I don’t mean to be oppositional or argumentative, but my experience with marriage is somewhat different. I don’t have friends who think of marriage as something that exists only on a piece of paper. Many of my friends are not Catholic (probably most are not Catholic) so they probably don’t view marriage at the Sacramental level like we do.

Nonetheless, everyone I know thinks of marriage as a solid, binding, enormously significant commitment.

Have there been divorces amongst my group of friends/acquaintances? Yes, unfortunately. But I’ve yet to come across someone who regards marriage as flimsy.
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Yes.

As they say, “Marriage is grand. Divorce is 50 grand.”

Or as I say, “Marriages may not last, but divorce is forever.” This thought was inspired by observing the multi-decade consequences of divorce in an aunt and uncle’s family. My aunt took about 10 years to recover from it, but even so, every single major family event that they both attend is full of tension and DRAMA. Also, so far, 2 of their 4 children have had failed marriages. That’s more or less the national average, but practically unknown in my family. It’s like lightning keeps striking the same spot over and over again.

The only people who get out of marriage easily are the very young and childless. Everybody else suffers a lot or causes a lot of suffering.
 
I’d also add that divorce often isn’t an independent phenomenon. A lot of times, people who divorce (especially when they divorce more than once) have some sort of serious problem: substance abuse, mental illness, impulsiveness, or just being all round bad at life (bad at keeping a job, managing money, maintaining relationships, etc).

One of my old friends has been divorced twice. Only very late into his second marriage was it discovered that he was bipolar. 10+ years of that, he was getting into altercations with strangers and was in danger of homelessness.
 
I feel sad about this, too. Both my parents and my in-laws have been divorced and remarried, sometimes multiple times. My siblings have both already had failed marriages. One has remarried and the other has become an odd combination of promiscuity and spouse seeker, and is so very lonely. Easy divorce has made a train wreck of our families. And the worst part of it is, the decision of our parents to divorce impacts each and every conversation, visit, and family gathering we have with our family members. It is inescapable. The burden is really on the children to constantly assuage the guilt of the parents, and to make-believe that everything is wonderful in the family, when, in fact, it is tragic. My husband and I are determined to break the cycle. We both work very hard together to build and protect our marriage. But we know that only God sees the value of our marriage and how hard we work at it. Everyone else just assumes we are lucky and that we have done nothing at all to have a happy marriage. Yet, people who have been long married know from their own experience just how much work it takes. I know there are people out there like that, even though I don’t know any of them personally. Thankfully for us, Scripture and Tradition and the Magisterium give us ample explanations and descriptions of Holy Matrimony and lifelong marriage. So in the absence of contemporary examples, we lean heavily upon the Church to light the way.
 
mommamaree said:
I feel sad about this, too. Both my parents and my in-laws have been divorced and remarried, sometimes multiple times. My siblings have both already had failed marriages. One has remarried and the other has become an odd combination of promiscuity and spouse seeker, and is so very lonely. Easy divorce has made a train wreck of our families. And the worst part of it is, the decision of our parents to divorce impacts each and every conversation, visit, and family gathering we have with our family members. It is inescapable.
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Yes.
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
Because, unlike the decades before the 60s, people now believe divorce is a viable option. But, if there is a ray of hope, it is that divorce rates are trending down over the past 2 decades or so. Except for the current spike by boomers in the latter years of marriage, the marriages that do happen seem to be more durable.
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Do you think less people are divorcing, or is it more that less people are getting married?
 
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