I feel so sad tonight

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Arlene

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A little background:

My mom will be 94 in a couple weeks. She has a progressive dementia, and two years ago was unable to continue living independently. So my never married/no kids brother took her into his home. He takes fantastic care of her and has basically put his life on hold to be her 24/7 caregiver.

For the last two years I’ve been flying out to Texas twice a year to relieve my brother for a few days so he can have a little break.
The day after I leave she has no recollection that I had been here. But that’s OK. When I’m here she knows me and she is happy. It has always been my worst nightmare that she wouldn’t know me. It would be the one thing that I just could’t bear. Last week I prayed “anything but that”

So here I am at my brother’s house. And my worst nightmare has come true. My mom has no idea who I am. She knows I’m staying here at the house, but with therapists, nurses, home heath aids coming and going, she is used to strangers being here and accepts their presence. I am just someone in the house. She looks at me with no recognition and it is just tearing me apart. I guess I was being naive, but truthfully I was hoping that she would know me until the end.

I feel so sad, so alone. My mommy has left me but her body is still here. I’m a little upset with God right now, he brought to pass the one thing I asked to be spared.
 
Arlene,

I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this. I lost my grandmother to dementia, long before she passed away. It’s so hard, and much worse, I’m sure when it’s your own mother.

I won’t waste your time with platitudes…it’s may never be clear why God says “no.” But please know that I am praying that your mother have at least a brief moment of lucidity, so that she can know the joy of her daughter’s presence…a daughter who obviously loves her very much. Peace be to you, and your family.
 
My mother had a touch dementia at 81, but died of other complications. My brother and I cared for her to the end. Me during the day, him at night, and we rotated weekends.

You had your mother for over 90 years, that is how you should look at things. That is far more then most children get. Do the best you can for her right now. It will not be forgotten, by your Father in heaven.
 
That has to be tough. Remember though that this test may be there for a reason. You may not know what that is now, but you must be patient. Love God above all else, and trust him absolutely. And note - your Mom’s soul is intact, and you will reunite with her in eternal life.

N
 
Arlene! :hug1:

I can only imagine how difficult this me be for you. As kristie_m said, no platitudes, but just know that many of us here will be praying for your family, and for you, as you go through this difficult time.

I hope this prayer will bring you comfort:

PRAYER TO
OUR MOTHER OF SORROWS

Our mother of sorrows,
with strength from above you stood by the cross,
sharing in the sufferings of Jesus,
and with tender care
you bore Him in your arms, mourning and weeping.

We praise you for your faith,
which accepted the life God planned for you.
We praise you for your hope,
which trusted that God would do great things in you.
We praise you for your love
in bearing with Jesus the sorrows of His passion.

Holy Mary,
may we follow your example,
and stand by all your children
who need comfort and love.

Mother of God,
stand by us in our trials
and care for us in our many needs.
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Amen!

catholicdoors.com/prayers/english/p05552.htm
 
Arlene said:
I’m a little upset with God right now, he brought to pass the one thing I asked to be spared.
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well maybe you can take solace in the fact that Christ was in your exact position. He too endured the one thing He asked the Father to spare Him from.

i really dont want to sound unsympathetic, but buck up a little. i really dont think most people get 92 good years or even 92 years from their mother. be glad for what you had, and if you have kids take it as a reminder to make the most of the time given.
 
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Arlene:
… And my worst nightmare has come true. My mom has no idea who I am… She looks at me with no recognition and it is just tearing me apart. I guess I was being naive, but truthfully I was hoping that she would know me until the end.

I feel so sad, so alone. My mommy has left me but her body is still here. I’m a little upset with God right now, he brought to pass the one thing I asked to be spared.
Click to expand...
Yes, Arlene it must be awful for you.

Also however much you realised that this might might happen, its always difficult to accept and deal with when it does.

A few years back, I’d been told that a mid-90’s first cousin once removed, who had been hale and hearty until then was suffering from demetia. I thought I had some idea of what it would be like. But of course, when I visited him, it wasn’t and it was hard to see him totally dependent and at one stage thinking I was my mother and at others my grandmother.

And yes, in comparision to others, you have had your mother for a long time, but that doesn’t change the reality of the current situation for you. Think when we have our parents for longer (my Dad died at 91) we almost expect them to beat the odds in terms of health and age.
 
Arlene said:
A little background:

My mom will be 94 in a couple weeks. She has a progressive dementia, and two years ago was unable to continue living independently. So my never married/no kids brother took her into his home. He takes fantastic care of her and has basically put his life on hold to be her 24/7 caregiver.

For the last two years I’ve been flying out to Texas twice a year to relieve my brother for a few days so he can have a little break.
The day after I leave she has no recollection that I had been here. But that’s OK. When I’m here she knows me and she is happy. It has always been my worst nightmare that she wouldn’t know me. It would be the one thing that I just could’t bear. Last week I prayed “anything but that”

So here I am at my brother’s house. And my worst nightmare has come true. My mom has no idea who I am. She knows I’m staying here at the house, but with therapists, nurses, home heath aids coming and going, she is used to strangers being here and accepts their presence. I am just someone in the house. She looks at me with no recognition and it is just tearing me apart. I guess I was being naive, but truthfully I was hoping that she would know me until the end.

I feel so sad, so alone. My mommy has left me but her body is still here. I’m a little upset with God right now, he brought to pass the one thing I asked to be spared.
Click to expand...
I nursed my mom through 3 years of cancer so I know where you’re coming from. My mom passed away at 54 though with her memory and sense of identity intact. She had one night…due to a mix up on meds where she was a bit confused but that’s it. I praise God that she was spared from any dementia. It was about the only thing she was spared. You’re lucky to have had your mother so long but I fear dementia for my father sake. He’s all I have left at this point and if he didn’t know me I don’t know what I’d do. :eek:
 
you are right, that may be the hardest thing to take, when your mother no longer recognizes you. Attending a funeral later today for the mother of a friend, a friend who has been going through what you describe, although she has been able to share caregiver responsibilities locally with other siblings. It seems we have to begin our mourning early, long before an actual death, as we watch our parent go through a series of losses, of health, independence, and finally cognition. Nonetheless, I feel sure your mother knows on a level we cannot understand when you are there and draws comfort from you, so cherish that time, which will be too short. Will be praying for you and your mother, too, as I try and help my friend.
 
Once when visiting my grandmother in the hospital she mistook me for her little sister (long dead), my dad (her son) she knew but she kept asking for the baby (my uncle) who is older then my dad. It was the strangest experience. She was still cracking jokes though and had the same teasing manner so part of her was still there which made it all easier to take. Then she started complaining about the Indians running around (she grew up next to a reservation). :confused: :rolleyes: I guess you just take the good with the bad.
 
PuzzleAnnie’s post is full of wisdom. It’s true that beginning to grieve now will help you later.

I remember standing up in my mother’s room, and having her say, “Who’s that fat woman?”

You’re not having a fun time right now. I’ll pray for you ad your family.

God bless you both,

Ruthie
 
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
I am so sorry and I know how you feel because my Mom, in her eighties doesnt know who I am either as far as being her daughter anyway. I am always recognized by her though as someone she has afection for and she is always happy to see me. Take a little comfort here, for a few months Mom was very withdrawn and my sister and I thought that she had permanently gone into a silent world of her own. Lately though she has brightened up and even sings and smiles frequently, still doesnt remember who I am but I try to take the bad with good. My prayers to you.
 
My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers and rosaries along with your mommy.

Blessings, Hail Mary
Our Father
Glory Be
 
I am watching my mother and her siblings go through the same situation with my grandmother. I know how hard it is at times for them, to know their mother can no longer say their names, or show any more recognition than a smile. It is almost too much suffering to experience, to watch my grandmother continue to sicken, and to watch my mother and her siblings lose their mother while she is still with them. For me, though, it has also been a lesson in truly selfless love, to watch the care and patience with which they care for my grandmother. I know how sad and frustrating they find it at times, and yet I know they also recognize my grandmother’s illness as an opportunity to return the love their mother always had for them, even at times in their lives when they were too busy or preoccupied to remember her very much. I will pray for you and your mother, that you will have peace of mind, and also that you realize how worthwhile the love you are showing for her right now is, and how much she has always loved you.

I don’t know if it will help, but whenever I think of my mother and my grandmother, I am always reminded of the words of Isaiah 49:14-15.
 
The Lord will give you the strength and love. My father is slipping into the same grayness as did his father before him. It was tough for my aunt and my dad. For me some of the erased memories for my dad is a blessing…He no longer remembers the anguish of my mother’s passing. I look just like my father’s sister so he now thinks I am her. I just pretend I am, to make things easier on him. I also found some CD’s with music from the BIG Band era, which he loves. He can remember what happened 60 years ago like it was yesterday, but has no memory of yesterday.

Perhaps that will work for you. See if you can find some music she once loved, and even if she thinks your one of the aides, just “make believe” you are for her sake.

I will lift you up in prayers…🙂
 
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