I Feel Suffocated - Help!

[Jacqueline1966]

Hi,

This is a question that has really been troubling me:

I know an elderly widow, about 80 years old, whom I can tell is really lonely. I am currently unemployed, but have to spend my days looking for a job, running errands and attending to little projects. I attend Mass typically every day and this lady does the same thing. I have been to her house a few times.

The problem is she invites me almost every day after Mass for coffee and I have explained that I have to look for work etc. It has gotten to the point that the neediness is wearing on me and I feel suffocated and I sometimes have to attend Mass at another church a distance from my house, just to get some space.

I have thought about encouraging her to volunteer, perhaps teaching someone to read, as she is in very good health and drives herself around.

I want to be charitable and I know we are called to visit the lonely, but I am reaching the end of my tether. Am I over-reacting? Crazy? Hormonal? All of the above?

Thanks for listening.

 

[loozcannon]

Without knowing her side of the story, it’s hard to say. Does she have any living relatives? Are they close by? She could just be lonely and you are the first person to show her kindness.

I understand the frustration, you want to treat her right, but you have your own life to live as well. Maybe a tactful rejection is in order?

 

[Jesusismyfriend]

Does mass have a program that helps shut-ins or seniors? She probably just is lonely. If you are the member of a bible study there, or if there was some kind of meetings where suggestions are allowed, I’d mention it. It’s awesome what you’re doing, but you should not have to do it alone. Others might be able to help as well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hi,

This is a question that has really been troubling me:

I know an elderly widow, about 80 years old, whom I can tell is really lonely. I am currently unemployed, but have to spend my days looking for a job, running errands and attending to little projects. I attend Mass typically every day and this lady does the same thing. I have been to her house a few times.

The problem is she invites me almost every day after Mass for coffee and I have explained that I have to look for work etc. It has gotten to the point that the neediness is wearing on me and I feel suffocated and I sometimes have to attend Mass at another church a distance from my house, just to get some space.

I have thought about encouraging her to volunteer, perhaps teaching someone to read, as she is in very good health and drives herself around.

I want to be charitable and I know we are called to visit the lonely, but I am reaching the end of my tether. Am I over-reacting? Crazy? Hormonal? All of the above?

Thanks for listening.

She must be very lonely. I would try sending some other people her way - ask the parish office if they have an elderly program.

 

[thetruth0flife]

I think that there is a limit in the number of times that you visit her. Let her know how you are feeling about visiting her too often. There could be a posibility that she is just taking advantage of you or just simply trying to get something out of you. Be more careful and don’t always expect for her to be nice to you at all times. Just focus on getting the job which is of much more importance, then go talk with her in honesty about the constant visiting you are having with her. Good luck.

 

[Musician]

Just politely say no to her invitations if you don’t have time. Don’t be guilted into visiting when you really have other things to do.
“I’m sorry, I need to get some things done today. But perhaps I will see you at Mass tomorrow.” Don’t go into detail about what you have to do. Just repeat as necessary. It gets easier to say no.

 

[Sunbreak]

Do you have problems saying no? We aren’t compelled to do everything someone wants us to do. Visit her every once in awhile and the rest of the time just say no, thank you, I need to get going. Also, I wouldn’t call her needy just because she wants company. Maybe their friends and spouses are gone and their children live out of state. I know many senior citizens who are very interesting and have lived interesting lives if you take the time to see who they are.

 

[domesticated]

This exactly, there is a need here that is not being met. Chances are she is not the only elderly person who is experiencing this. What a great opportunity you have to advocate for a vulnerable population. Is there a parish program in place? Maybe something in the community? If not why not be the person to step up. God has put her in your path, maybe there is a reason. Best of luck.

Does mass have a program that helps shut-ins or seniors? She probably just is lonely. If you are the member of a bible study there, or if there was some kind of meetings where suggestions are allowed, I’d mention it. It’s awesome what you’re doing, but you should not have to do it alone. Others might be able to help as well.

 

[Jacqueline1966]

Do you have problems saying no? We aren’t compelled to do everything someone wants us to do. Visit her every once in awhile and the rest of the time just say no, thank you, I need to get going. Also, I wouldn’t call her needy just because she wants company. Maybe their friends and spouses are gone and their children live out of state. I know many senior citizens who are very interesting and have lived interesting lives if you take the time to see who they are.

She has a daughter who lives close by, but she works fulltime and spends the rest of the time with her mother.

I do say no every time she asks, but she persists in asking. I even stay at church a few minutes after mass just so I don’t get invited for coffee. Other times, I disappear before she invites.

I apologize, it was uncharitable of me to call her “needy” and yes, she does have interesting stories.

I think I will ask her tomorrow if she is interested in tutoring an adult on reading, as she lives close to a library.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, all

 

[Jacqueline1966]

She must be very lonely. I would try sending some other people her way - ask the parish office if they have an elderly program.

Thanks. No elderly program, but it is close to a retirement community and I encourage her to intermingle with other seniors at church which works sometimes…

 

[Apologista]

I enjoy spending time with elderly people and sometimes have run into the problem described. Remember that the person is on “retired time” and may have forgotten what it was like to have a busier life with more obligations. Don’t know if you might be able to tactfully explain this or not. Sometimes it’s not possible without hurting the person’s feelings.

Maybe the priest could visit her sometimes or knows some others in the parish who are also retired who would like to get acquainted with her. That way you can enjoy the time you’re able to spend with her but also know that if you can’t be there, she will have other company.

 

[twoangels]

Why do you feel obligated to accept her offer each time? Why not just thank her, tell her you appreciate the invite and leave it at that. Be thankful that she is continuing to invite you. Accept her invitations occasionally, after all, it may give you an additional mental break and connection you need. I’d say its only a problem if she starts complaining about declining.

 

[trials]

I could have written your post. The exact same thing happened to me in a local parish where I attended daily Mass. I felt very bad if I had to refuse the lady’s invitations to her house after Mass, she lived just beside the Church too and was apparently very lonely. I did the same as yourself, sometimes I visited, sometimes I tried to avoid her after Mass to avoid the awkward invitation, and sometimes I would sit somewhere different where I knew she wouldn’t be walking past me on the way out. Very difficult trying to be charitable, especially when this lady just wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m afraid I kept with the weak avoidance tactics and just kept saying “sorry, I have to go to such a place” or whatever. I never lied to her, but I limited the visits because I felt it was a bit too much.

The end of my story is strange - as it happened I couldn’t go to Mass for months as I had morning sickness with my last pregnancy right at Mass time. When I did resume going, she was still there and came over to me with a very lost look in her eyes. “Do you know where that lovely lady and her two kids is gone?” she said. “She used to sit right here but I haven’t seen her in months.” It was me she was talking about, she didn’t recognise me or my 2 children that were with me, and we hadn’t changed over the course of 3 months or so. That’s when I found out she was suffering from Alzheimer’s God bless her.