I feel terrible

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EstherTherese

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Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I became a member today.

Anyway, I just wanted to discuss something that’s been truly bothering me.

I used to suffer from scrupulosity. I think I still do in some ways, but it’s hard to be sure.
Lately, I’ve been making the terrible mistake of being too lax with my sins. It’s overall very, very confusing. I’ve recently found Scrupulosity Anonymous, whic hI wish I used earlier.

Like any other person I suffer from random, sinful thoughts. Normally I would say a quick prayer to drive them out. However, I was not strict with myself one time, and I dwelled and became aroused by my thoughts.
In retrospect, the fact that I decided to become sinfully pleased by my thoughts is mortal sin.

However, with the confusion of being ex-scrupulous I thought “well, it’s just a thought. I didn’t act on it, therefore it can’t be mortal…”

so I accepted the Eucharist that Sunday.

I’ve done this more than once, thinking that it’s not mortal

Have I really done something wrong?
I don’t feel too good. In fact, I think I should be feeling worse. Someone once told me accepting hte Eucharist in the state of sin is like having Christ suffer his passion again.
 
“EstherTherese” Welcome to CAF!

Like you, I tend to be extremely scrupulous. I have found the following passage… from the Diary of St. Faustina to be a great comfort and assurance. Because the enemy OFTEN tells me that I should not be receiving Holy Communion.

(156)"Once I desired very much to receive Holy Communion, but I had a certain doubt, and I did not go. I suffered greatly because of this. It seemed to me that my heart would burst from the pain. When I set about my work, my heart full of bitterness, Jesus suddenly stood by me and said, “My daughter, do not omit Holy Communion unless you know well that your fall was serious; apart from this, no doubt must stop you from uniting yourself with Me in the mystery of My love. Your minor faults will disappear in My love like a piece of straw thrown into a great furnace. Know that you grieve Me much when you fail to receive Me in Holy Communion”. (The Diary of St. Faustina)
Me again. 😃 Also, I would like to include this definition of what a mortal sin is. It has helped me tremendously. (Link below)

And finally, here is a “tactic” I learned from Fr. John Corapi. Whenever a bad or impure thought enters your mind, you fire back… with a barrage of “Our Father’s”… “Hail Mary’s” or “Glory Be’s”… just keep saying the prayer, one after another. Your mind will soon be free from unwanted thoughts. God bless you and grant you peace.

saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
 
EstherTherese, you may find it helpful to go have a talk with a priest in Confession, as this is the best way to clarify your mind and soul, and also how to begin dealing with scrupulosity if you suffer from it. (St Therese suffered from scrupulosity for sime years so would gladly pray for you!) Confession will give you the certainty of a soul pure in God’s sight. The doubt Sr Faustina had may have been only regarding her unworthiness as a result of her humility or self-doubt, as she doesn’t specify that the doubt was due to actual sin. Your heart is clearly for God, and your longing to receive Jesus shows that you not abandoned God but continue to love and welcome Him. If you have sinned it does not seem mortally, as grace continues to dwell in you.

Welcome to CAF!
Warmly, Trishie
 
EstherTherese,

Wow, those are two extremely courageous women, wouldn’t you say? 👍

Now, about your post:

I don’t know that the issue truly is your scrupulosity or whether or not you committed grave sin by entertaining arousing thoughts or even if you committed the act of sacrelige, I think the real issue is that you don’t trust in God’s great mercy. I almost sense that you despise your own weakness; perhaps you even hope to be “perfect.” So, stop flogging yourself! You’re human, you’re a sexual being, you’re weak, we’re all weak, and only God can hold us up. And, please, stop thinking everything you do is a mortal sin or else the next several days, weeks, months will be utter hell and unenjoyable. Trust in God’s mercy and enjoy life! Otherwise, you may eventually look back on these days in your life and regret you allowed life to be so miserable.

As for accepting Communion, this is between you and the Lord; though I’m willing to wager that there have been many times when you’ve denied yourself this Precious Gift because of a sensitive conscience. Jesus came to Heal, not to accuse. He is our Advocate before he is our Judge. Next you’re uncertain but wish to receive His Precious Body and Blood, say an Act of Contrition. Later, when you’re in the confessional, tell the priest about your uncertainties and allow him, in persona Christi, to discern and to absolve.
 
EstherTherese said:
Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I became a member today.

Anyway, I just wanted to discuss something that’s been truly bothering me.

I used to suffer from scrupulosity. I think I still do in some ways, but it’s hard to be sure.
Lately, I’ve been making the terrible mistake of being too lax with my sins. It’s overall very, very confusing. I’ve recently found Scrupulosity Anonymous, whic hI wish I used earlier.

Like any other person I suffer from random, sinful thoughts. Normally I would say a quick prayer to drive them out. However, I was not strict with myself one time, and I dwelled and became aroused by my thoughts.
In retrospect, the fact that I decided to become sinfully pleased by my thoughts is mortal sin.

However, with the confusion of being ex-scrupulous I thought “well, it’s just a thought. I didn’t act on it, therefore it can’t be mortal…”

so I accepted the Eucharist that Sunday.

I’ve done this more than once, thinking that it’s not mortal

Have I really done something wrong?
I don’t feel too good. In fact, I think I should be feeling worse. Someone once told me accepting hte Eucharist in the state of sin is like having Christ suffer his passion again.
Click to expand...
To be honest, I think there are 3 things at work here. One is your personal tendency to scrupulosity, or making moutains out of molehills.

The second item may be that sometimes you dwell upon these thoughts - sexual maybe, or whatever. That is a sin, and I suppose you might need to confess them.

The third however is that there is a demonic tactic called "stray thoughts’ where blasphemous thoughts just pop into your head from nowhere. Since the enemy of souls knows our personalities, he tailors distractions accordingly. If for example, the thought “&^% off, God!” pops into your head, it didn’t come from you. The best thing you can do is ignore it. If you start worrying about it, the enemy knows he’s got you on the defensive and it will increase, not decrease.

Years ago I remember talking to another Christian, who commented, “You know, these ‘stray thoughts’ never even happened until I became a Christian.”

I wonder why.
 
Amen. Everyone suffers from random thoughts; they aren’t sinful, just human, until you ‘entertain’ them.

Scrupulosity? Printed the t-shirt. I was once under the mistaken impression that admiring someone else’s landscaping or car was the same as coveting. You can make yourself crazy.
 
MarieVeronica said:
(156)"Once I desired very much to receive Holy Communion, but I had a certain doubt, and I did not go. I suffered greatly because of this. It seemed to me that my heart would burst from the pain. When I set about my work, my heart full of bitterness, Jesus suddenly stood by me and said, “My daughter, do not omit Holy Communion unless you know well that your fall was serious; apart from this, no doubt must stop you from uniting yourself with Me in the mystery of My love. Your minor faults will disappear in My love like a piece of straw thrown into a great furnace. Know that you grieve Me much when you fail to receive Me in Holy Communion”. (The Diary of St. Faustina)
]
Click to expand...
That is so beautiful, and thank you so much for sharing that with me 🙂

I often forget how important it is to accept the Holy Communion, despite how I may feel about myself and what I have done.

Thanks for the wonderful reply. you and to everyone!
such a great forum 🙂
 
Trishie said:
EstherTherese, you may find it helpful to go have a talk with a priest in Confession, as this is the best way to clarify your mind and soul, and also how to begin dealing with scrupulosity if you suffer from it. (St Therese suffered from scrupulosity for sime years so would gladly pray for you!) Confession will give you the certainty of a soul pure in God’s sight. The doubt Sr Faustina had may have been only regarding her unworthiness as a result of her humility or self-doubt, as she doesn’t specify that the doubt was due to actual sin. Your heart is clearly for God, and your longing to receive Jesus shows that you not abandoned God but continue to love and welcome Him. If you have sinned it does not seem mortally, as grace continues to dwell in you.

Welcome to CAF!
Warmly, Trishie
Click to expand...
Thanks for the kind words. I will definitely find my way to a good confession. It’s good to get someone else’s view 🙂
 
Epistemes said:
EstherTherese,

Wow, those are two extremely courageous women, wouldn’t you say? 👍

Now, about your post:

I don’t know that the issue truly is your scrupulosity or whether or not you committed grave sin by entertaining arousing thoughts or even if you committed the act of sacrelige, I think the real issue is that you don’t trust in God’s great mercy. I almost sense that you despise your own weakness; perhaps you even hope to be “perfect.” So, stop flogging yourself! You’re human, you’re a sexual being, you’re weak, we’re all weak, and only God can hold us up. And, please, stop thinking everything you do is a mortal sin or else the next several days, weeks, months will be utter hell and unenjoyable. Trust in God’s mercy and enjoy life! Otherwise, you may eventually look back on these days in your life and regret you allowed life to be so miserable.

As for accepting Communion, this is between you and the Lord; though I’m willing to wager that there have been many times when you’ve denied yourself this Precious Gift because of a sensitive conscience. Jesus came to Heal, not to accuse. He is our Advocate before he is our Judge. Next you’re uncertain but wish to receive His Precious Body and Blood, say an Act of Contrition. Later, when you’re in the confessional, tell the priest about your uncertainties and allow him, in persona Christi, to discern and to absolve.
Click to expand...
Hmm… I read that not believing in God’s mercy is a consequence of scrupulosity. It’s hard to tell.
I’ll be honest, in the past it’s been hell.
In fact, lately it’s been doing nothing but bad things for me. I didn’t know the word “scrupulous” existed until recently, and i thought the horrible torment of what’s right and what’s wrong was due to the Catholic religion, not my own mental habits. So a lot of the time I’ve been disillusioned and doubtful.

It’s hard to find a balance. and to know whether I’m being too lax or too scrupulous.
 
Bob_Crowley said:
To be honest, I think there are 3 things at work here. One is your personal tendency to scrupulosity, or making moutains out of molehills.

The second item may be that sometimes you dwell upon these thoughts - sexual maybe, or whatever. That is a sin, and I suppose you might need to confess them.

The third however is that there is a demonic tactic called "stray thoughts’ where blasphemous thoughts just pop into your head from nowhere. Since the enemy of souls knows our personalities, he tailors distractions accordingly. If for example, the thought “&^% off, God!” pops into your head, it didn’t come from you. The best thing you can do is ignore it. If you start worrying about it, the enemy knows he’s got you on the defensive and it will increase, not decrease.

Years ago I remember talking to another Christian, who commented, “You know, these ‘stray thoughts’ never even happened until I became a Christian.”

I wonder why.
Click to expand...
That gives me a LOT of clarity.

Plus, I remember one of my religious education teachers who has experienced demons physically say that it is a bad thing if you have never encountered demons.
 
Sailor_Kenshin said:
Amen. Everyone suffers from random thoughts; they aren’t sinful, just human, until you ‘entertain’ them.

Scrupulosity? Printed the t-shirt. I was once under the mistaken impression that admiring someone else’s landscaping or car was the same as coveting. You can make yourself crazy.
Click to expand...
This seems like De ja vu. I used to (and still do sometimes) make my mom crazy with my nagging questions of what’s right and what’s wrong. One time, a priest started chuckling during confession because of the ridiculousness of my guilt at such venial sins 😊
 
Ask your guardian angel to pray for you Esther, because he is eager to help you. 🙂
 
EstherTherese said:
This seems like De ja vu. I used to (and still do sometimes) make my mom crazy with my nagging questions of what’s right and what’s wrong. One time, a priest started chuckling during confession because of the ridiculousness of my guilt at such venial sins 😊
Click to expand...
I once declared to my confessor that I had, by use of my imagination, imaginary conversations, and that by doing so, I denied the imagined persons their free will, their human dignity, I opressed them into fitting the roles I designed, and thereby had lusted.

Father just sat back, cocked his head to the side, and sighed.

Hmmm…Thanks MarieVeronica for that story! :rotfl: I grieve my Lord before confession, I grieve Him afterwards! My poor, precious King! He can’t get a break!
 
Dtmccameron said:
Hmmm…Thanks MarieVeronica for that story! :rotfl: I grieve my Lord before confession, I grieve Him afterwards! My poor, precious King! He can’t get a break!
Click to expand...
Aww… you’re certainly not alone in feeling this way. I often begin my prayers… “Forgive me, Lord… for all in which I continuously offend You.” Because I’m so certain, of how big a sinner I am. :imsorry:

But in thinking about it… isn’t that a sort of lack of faith? :hmmm:

I think we scrupulous souls… must try to learn where to draw the line… between our offenses… and “self-occupation”. It isn’t true humility to be constantly running over our flaws and faults and dwelling on them. It’s much more humble to acknowledge both our offenses, (ask pardon for them)… and to give praise to Our Lord for our little victories, which are won through His grace.

So, maybe before bed tonight… I will say, instead… the prayer which Jesus gave to St. Faustina… ❤️ “Jesus, I trust in You”. ❤️
 
Hi Esther,
I take it that these thoughts are a threat to your chasity. That’s alright, everyone has temptations. The important part is to resist them. If you can’t get the thoughts out of your head, just ignore them and pray.
Ask the Lord to remove them, and ask St. Agnes to pray for you.
 
There are many things that I’ve found are really useful to doing away with these thoughts (which I call “idle sins”):
  1. Prayer (Which you’ve been doing. Bravo.)
  2. Action based on prayer. Say to yourself, "I want X. Now what are some of the steps I’ll have to do to get to X? Maybe they’re little - like making more eye contact with people I meet…or…holding the door for others more often. Trust me, little stuff like that WORKS. You need to supplement a little bit of that with action.
  3. STAY BUSY! I find that the more work you have, the less time you have to concentrate on such idle, sinful, thoughts.
It’s really strange, but I find that the more spiritual I try to become, the more I seem to be exposed to such thoughts, but when I’m too “busy” to foster my spiritual life, they’re not a concern at all…but I feel that something is lacking in my life.

That doesn’t mean you should abandon your spirituality. If anything, you should understand the truths of Christianity more and more. Just be prepared for the consequences and for the appropriate responses for them.
 
KrazyKaiju said:
There are many things that I’ve found are really useful to doing away with these thoughts (which I call “idle sins”):
  1. Prayer (Which you’ve been doing. Bravo.)
  2. Action based on prayer. Say to yourself, "I want X. Now what are some of the steps I’ll have to do to get to X? Maybe they’re little - like making more eye contact with people I meet…or…holding the door for others more often. Trust me, little stuff like that WORKS. You need to supplement a little bit of that with action.
  3. STAY BUSY! I find that the more work you have, the less time you have to concentrate on such idle, sinful, thoughts.
It’s really strange, but I find that the more spiritual I try to become, the more I seem to be exposed to such thoughts, but when I’m too “busy” to foster my spiritual life, they’re not a concern at all…but I feel that something is lacking in my life.

That doesn’t mean you should abandon your spirituality. If anything, you should understand the truths of Christianity more and more. Just be prepared for the consequences and for the appropriate responses for them.
Click to expand...
Hmm… Christianity is never easy.
 
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