I feel terrible

[bytebear]

So I’ve got a bit of a problem, and I’ll just get straight to it: all of my girlfriends have had sexual pasts. Some worse than others.

Im more sensitive/emotional for a guy my age (23) than others. I’ve tried really really hard to overlook my girlfriends’ pasts, but I just can’t do it.

I’d like to forget it, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t work.

Am I doomed to never get married? Am I immature or unChristian for this? Am I weak?

I feel terrible because of it. I feel like a lesser person.

It seems as though every one else can accept those things, except me.

This is really eating me up.

If you were a virgin who married or dated someone who wasnt, how did you get over it? could you give details?

Thanks

 

[emilycamille]

I think most important thing is to look at how a woman wants to live her future, and not how she lived her past. We’ve all done things we regret - some worse than others perhaps, but none of us could cast that first stone, am I right?

Partly what I think you may want to think about is forgiveness. We don’t ony forgive people for what they do TO us. Sometimes we have to forgive people for things that have nothing to do with us. If there is a woman you love, but who has a past that is unsettling for you, you must pray. Pray for guidance, pray for her, pray for a spirit of forgiveness. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s good to have a moral standard. But be loving and forgiving. Jesus lives the sinner. He asked them to repent, but he loved them and forgave them just the same.

 

[daponte2]

I think it would be the same if you met a person who had another issue, such as being an alcoholic or a drug addict. Would you want to marry someone like that? I think the same thinking applies in this situation.

I am sure there are many priests who would be willing to speak with you at length about your issue. You just have to take some courage and give them a call. Good Luck to you!

 

[George_Stegmeir]

I think most important thing is to look at how a woman wants to live her future, and not how she lived her past. We’ve all done things we regret - some worse than others perhaps, but none of us could cast that first stone, am I right?

Partly what I think you may want to think about is forgiveness. We don’t ony forgive people for what they do TO us. Sometimes we have to forgive people for things that have nothing to do with us. If there is a woman you love, but who has a past that is unsettling for you, you must pray. Pray for guidance, pray for her, pray for a spirit of forgiveness. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s good to have a moral standard. But be loving and forgiving. Jesus lives the sinner. He asked them to repent, but he loved them and forgave them just the same.

Excellent reply! I agree 2,000%.
When you meet a girl, don’t pry into her sexual past. Quite frankly, it is none of your business. Yes, we all have moral standards, but you cannot enforce your personal standards on any other person. If you try, especially with a person of the opposite sex, any future relationship will be doomed to failure. You have to learn to accept the person for who she is and how she relates to you.
Forget all of this sexual nonsense. It is important, but it is also over rated. Like it or not, in American Society, young men like you are rare…and, unfortunately, your chances of finding a young lady your in your age range, who is also still a virgin is not likely.
What is important, is how the two of you relate to each other; and especially how a friendship developes. The only female you should ever consider getting serious with is the young lady who becomes your best friend. If that friendship developes and it is truely mutual, then you have a good chance for a good marriage. As for the sexual thing, if your wife is truely your best friend and you are hers, that will take care of itself.

 

[Delaine75]

Just keep in mind, everyone has a past. Some maybe not quite as clean as others, but if you are too busy judging someone on their past, you cannot enjoy them right now, in the present. Look at the person before you right now and decide if that is someone you want to be with. For example: I am most definitely not the person I was ten years ago. Your girlfriends may not be the same way they were back then. They can’t go back and change the past. Is it possible that you’re not ready for a relationship and this is why you keep finding fault in the pasts of these women?

 

[bytebear]

I want to forgive and forget, but can’t. How is that being judgmental? I don’t understand.

I wasn’t prying either, they told me these things. Im not trying to force my personal standards on anyone, please don’t think I’m trying to do that. Im really not.

I think maybe I may not be able to get over it, even if I want to.

But again, I’m not trying to judge. I’m just trying to get over the emotional pain. Thats all.

 

[bytebear]

So I should not pursue a relationship until I can get over these things then?

 

[ValPal]

A common theme in this particular issue is that oftentimes the person that can’t deal with the other person’s past has a self-esteem or insecurity issue. How to solve that problem? Beats me…it could be anything from waking up in the morning one day and seeing life in a new way to counseling.

The important thing is to realize that the past really doesn’t matter, provided that behavior has stopped. The present an future are what matter.

 

[Marocchino]

I don’t think your preference is anything to feel terrible about. Ultimately it is up to you to choose a suitable woman to marry and you are obliged to no woman. If a woman has a past but has since resolved to embrace chastity, I would say just remember that we have all sinned and been forgiven at some point. If her past becomes a disturbance to your peace of mind, then find a woman without one. May God be with you.

 

[mountee]

Recently I have read some very interesting stories about people who prayed for years to find a mate. These people wanted to have certain characteristics in that mate and sought God’s help in finding the right person. Eventually each of them had their prayers answered and met the right person for them. I have to admit that if you have chosen to wait for marriage for a sexual life it would be difficult to accept that your girlfriend did not. I think that there have been many excellent replies including the one about forgiveness., but if that is not possible for you, perhaps you should turn this over to God completely. Be patient, God can take care of this for you. God bless you with a perfect mate.

And, for one of those stories go to this site, PrayMoreNovenas.com. John-Paul just married his Annie who had prayed for a couple years to St. Anne to intercede on her behalf, they married on 9/8.

 

[lifeandhope]

I want to forgive and forget, but can’t. How is that being judgmental? I don’t understand.

I wasn’t prying either, they told me these things. Im not trying to force my personal standards on anyone, please don’t think I’m trying to do that. Im really not.

I think maybe I may not be able to get over it, even if I want to.

But again, I’m not trying to judge. I’m just trying to get over the emotional pain. Thats all.

I am wondering why a woman’s sexual past causes you such emotional pain. That is not about the woman; that is about you, and perhaps a discussion with your priest or a counselor could help with that. Sexual activity that your girlfriends participated in before you dated them has nothing to do with you, so the fact that you are so emotionally effected speaks to a different issue altogether.

I don’t think it is impossible to find a virgin to marry; difficult perhaps, but certainly, they are out there. But, is that your main criteria in selecting a mate? You may overlook a great many Godly, loving women who would be ideal spouses just because they have slept with former boyfriends. It would be tragic to marry a woman who was not the right one for you just because she met this particular criteria.

I understand that you say you are not being judgmental. But you clearly have a stong emotional reaction to another person’s private past and I would definitely encourage you to explore that with a counselor, priest, or both.

 

[mountee]

I just went to another thread and saw a post by someone which directed to a group here, Praying for our Future Spouse. Check it out!

 

[Chevaleresse]

Just keep in mind, everyone has a past. Some maybe not quite as clean as others, but if you are too busy judging someone on their past, you cannot enjoy them right now, in the present. Look at the person before you right now and decide if that is someone you want to be with. For example: I am most definitely not the person I was ten years ago. Your girlfriends may not be the same way they were back then. They can’t go back and change the past. Is it possible that you’re not ready for a relationship and this is why you keep finding fault in the pasts of these women?

Really? Oi… Are you replying to the wrong thread or something? The OP wasn’t being judgmental. You might want to look at yourself first. Just saying…

Forget all of this sexual nonsense. It is important, but it is also over rated. Like it or not, in American Society, young men like you are rare…and, unfortunately, your chances of finding a young lady your in your age range, who is also still a virgin is not likely.

No, they aren’t rare. Rare is usually defined in statistics as 1 in 2000 or at most 1 in 1000. That’s 0.05% and 0.1%. At age 25, 13.9% of the male population are virgins compared to 9.1% of the female population.

And to the OP: if you can’t accept their pasts, that’s fine. Some people have a harder time of dealing with it. Don’t let anyone make you think you’re less of a person. Basically, there’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t accept it.

What the OP is feeling is likely a result of evolution, especially the mate guarding instinct and paternality instinct. It’s stronger in some than others. In your case it’s strong. It won’t really go away. It’s likely more than just emotional pain (which some women experience, but not really for evolutionary reasons).

Random question for people: If someone has a dealbreaker about virginity (or whatever): is that person told they are judgmental, unforgiving, weak, have self-esteem issues, have insecurity issues, immaturity, and so on? Would anyone here say that?

 

[bytebear]

I am wondering why a woman’s sexual past causes you such emotional pain.

I don’t know. I feel like I have a connection to them and their regret effects me. That’s the main cause.

But, is that your main criteria in selecting a mate?

I’m not trying to overlook people. I wish these things didnt bother me as much. I wouldn’t marry someone just because of that. That’s the reason why I’m worried that I’ll never find someone.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging posts. Maybe it’s just biology and I have to just accept that.

I’m wondering if anyone who’s had my same problem is here and if they could tell me how they got over it.

 

[lifeandhope]

I don’t know. I feel like I have a connection to them and their regret effects me. That’s the main cause.

I’m not trying to overlook people. I wish these things didnt bother me as much. I wouldn’t marry someone just because of that. That’s the reason why I’m worried that I’ll never find someone.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging posts. Maybe it’s just biology and I have to just accept that.

I’m wondering if anyone who’s had my same problem is here and if they could tell me how they got over it.

You certainly lack arrogance regarding this issue, which to me validates the idea that you are not being judgmental. I feel sad reading your posts; I can really sense your struggle. Like I said in my previous post, I truly recommend discussing this with a counselor or your priest. This doesn’t mean you’re foregoing your standards–it’s not about that. It is just not healthy to overidentify with another’s experience like this. I wish you the best & if you can, keep us posted.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I want to forgive and forget, but can’t. How is that being judgmental? I don’t understand.

I wasn’t prying either, they told me these things. Im not trying to force my personal standards on anyone, please don’t think I’m trying to do that. Im really not.

I think maybe I may not be able to get over it, even if I want to.

But again, I’m not trying to judge. I’m just trying to get over the emotional pain. Thats all.

May I suggest that you wait for the right girl? Since this is causing you a lot fo distress I can’t imagine a healthy relationship to develop. There were certain things that were unacceptable for me when I was dating and there was **no way **I was going to accepth them. There were people who thought I was silly but that was their problem. I don’t think you should feel bad because you are not judging these women and treating them like they are less worthy human beings. You are just honest about what you can’t deal with. If more people were like that there would be more sucessful marriages imo.

Don’t feel discouraged by those who say that it is unreasonable to expect chastity in this day and age. That is not true. Pray about meeting the woman who is right for you. Don’t worry about being single, you are still young.

 

[bck4g36as]

Excellent reply! I agree 2,000%.
When you meet a girl, don’t pry into her sexual past. Quite frankly, it is none of your business. Yes, we all have moral standards, but you cannot enforce your personal standards on any other person. If you try, especially with a person of the opposite sex, any future relationship will be doomed to failure. You have to learn to accept the person for who she is and how she relates to you.
Forget all of this sexual nonsense. It is important, but it is also over rated. Like it or not, in American Society, young men like you are rare…and, unfortunately, your chances of finding a young lady your in your age range, who is also still a virgin is not likely.
What is important, is how the two of you relate to each other; and especially how a friendship developes. The only female you should ever consider getting serious with is the young lady who becomes your best friend. If that friendship developes and it is truely mutual, then you have a good chance for a good marriage. As for the sexual thing, if your wife is truely your best friend and you are hers, that will take care of itself.

The man asked for help.

You added insult to his injury, and then gave him the wrong advice by telling him: ‘virginity doesn’t matter anyway and accept her as she is because your chances of finding a virgin in your age range are unlikely nowadays anyways (because of four decades of attitudes like yours) and so as long as she’s your best friend (based on what values?) then all is fine.’

You also accused him of enforcing his morals onto someone else because he raised his voice that perhaps maybe it wasn’t okay that his spouse had ever touched anyone else in the most deepest, intimate way you can possibly touch a human being, and that she had perhaps committed such highly heinous acts serially with who knows how many others.

Christians like you (which from my experience, is just about everyone) have made it seem like being a virgin is the sin and people like you subsequently, are worse than useless – the convoluted advice you give is outright dangerous.

 

[bytebear]

May I suggest that you wait for the right girl? Since this is causing you a lot fo distress I can’t imagine a healthy relationship to develop. There were certain things that were unacceptable for me when I was dating and there was **no way **I was going to accepth them. There were people who thought I was silly but that was their problem. I don’t think you should feel bad because you are not judging these women and treating them like they are less worthy human beings. You are just honest about what you can’t deal with. If more people were like that there would be more sucessful marriages imo.

Don’t feel discouraged by those who say that it is unreasonable to expect chastity in this day and age. That is not true. Pray about meeting the woman who is right for you. Don’t worry about being single, you are still young.

Now I really don’t know. I was reading a post about a wife who lied about her sexual past to her husband in order for him to marry her… Is that a common thing to lie about? Now I’m afraid I’ll end marrying someone like that and then will have to deal with this kind of emotional pain anyway. Do lots of women lie about their pasts?

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Now I really don’t know. I was reading a post about a wife who lied about her sexual past to her husband in order for him to marry her… Is that a common thing to lie about? Now I’m afraid I’ll end marrying someone like that and then will have to deal with this kind of emotional pain anyway. Do lots of women lie about their pasts?

Pray for your future spouse if you are called to the vocation of marriage. SO important. Don’t think your prayers don’t do any good - sometimes your prayer will be their strength in a trying or tempting situation.

This is when it is important to really know the person you want to marry - making sure you don’t avoid these subjects before the ring is on. If you are comitting your lives to each other, you should be honest with each other concerning your past and your future.

.

 

[Marie1234]

Everyone has things in their past that they regret. Some people regret being promiscuous; some people regret being a drug addict; some people have regrets about stealing. But for all these people, the past truly is in the past because they have repented and changed their lives. When one repents to God, He erases that stain of sin from their soul. It’s gone. Try to regard your girlfriend the way God does. She made mistakes in the past, but she has repented so the mistakes do not exist anymore. God has forgiven her, do your best to forgive her too.

Pray to Jesus and ask Him to give you the graces to forgive whole-heartedly and to be able to move forward in your relationship with this woman. It may take you a while to forgive and forget, but don’t give up!

I