I feel terrible

[bck4g36as]

Everyone has things in their past that they regret. Some people regret being promiscuous; some people regret being a drug addict; some people have regrets about stealing. But for all these people, the past truly is in the past because they have repented and changed their lives. When one repents to God, He erases that stain of sin from their soul. It’s gone. Try to regard your girlfriend the way God does. She made mistakes in the past, but she has repented so the mistakes do not exist anymore. God has forgiven her, do your best to forgive her too.

Pray to Jesus and ask Him to give you the graces to forgive whole-heartedly and to be able to move forward in your relationship with this woman. It may take you a while to forgive and forget, but don’t give up!

I

Shame your ‘sinwashing technique’ doesn’t work for murder or any other such ‘mistakes,’ where you’ll actually get a sentence for what you’ve done.

See the last part of my prior post in this thread as it applies particularly to people like you.

 

[Marie1234]

Shame your ‘sinwashing technique’ doesn’t work for murder or any other such ‘mistakes,’ where you’ll actually get a sentence for what you’ve done.

See the last part of my prior post in this thread as it applies particularly to people like you.

Do you really not believe God doesn’t forgive people who are truly sorry for their sins no matter how horrible they are? If that is what you are saying, that is extremely unchristian of you.

Maybe you should use this site to try to help others in need rather than insult well-meaning christians. If I said anything wrong, which I do not believe I did, I would prefer you refute my opinion in a civilized, sensical way. You provided no proof against my statement, only insults.

But I want you to know that I will pray for you even though you have hurt my feelings. That is what I know God wants me to do.

God bless you dear.

 

[Marie1234]

Shame your ‘sinwashing technique’ doesn’t work for murder or any other such ‘mistakes,’ where you’ll actually get a sentence for what you’ve done.

See the last part of my prior post in this thread as it applies particularly to people like you.

ewtn.com/library/bishops/penance.htm

“Christ instituted the Sacrament of Penance for all sinful members of his Church: above all for those who, since Baptism, have fallen into grave sin, and have thus lost their baptismal grace and wounded ecclesial communion. It is to them that the Sacrament of Penance offers a new possibility to convert and to recover the grace of justification.” -The Most Reverend Thomas G. Doran, D.D., J.C.D., Bishop of Rockford

 

[Aggies08]

Personally, when I learned of my SO’s past, what was important to me was his belief NOW, and how he lived it out. The past is the past; it will not be changed. What he did has nothing to do with me; how we live our lives today is what I find important.

I don’t know about “forgive and forget.” I wasn’t in the picture when these things happened, and they are indicative of his belief and state of life at that point. I accept what happened (I know the general things, not specifics of course), and look at how he thinks of these things now. What he has learned from those experiences.

We were both 23 when we were married.

I don’t know if that helps any.

It may also be different being a guy (I’m a girl), as we seem to be wired quite differently. I had no past; he did.

 

[bytebear]

It may also be different being a guy (I’m a girl), as we seem to be wired quite differently.

Its much different for guys.

 

[4givemeasinner]

I am only in semi-agreeance with what my brothers have said earlier. I think that you have a right to know her sexual past, but don’t let it dominate you. look at how she wants to live with you.

Peace of Christ be with you.

 

[lifeandhope]

Christians like you (which from my experience, is just about everyone) have made it seem like being a virgin is the sin and people like you subsequently, are worse than useless – the convoluted advice you give is outright dangerous.

“…Christians like you…just about everyone…” Way to paint everyone with a broad brush. Perhaps your overgeneralized statement is true of Christians you know, but it is not normative of the Christians I know. The issue of virginity going into marriage is laughable to those outside the Church in this day and age; perhaps it is laughable to Catholics who are more realtivistic as well. I think there is a very high value place on entering marriage with each spouse having his and her virginity intact. This is the ideal, and it is possible, even in our times.

However, the ideal is not always what is available and realistic. This young man has an inordinate preoccupation with a potential wife having a sexual history. When someone mentioned having been deceived and found things out about his wife after the marriage, the OP began to worry about if he could even trust a woman. This is NOT just about wanting the ideal sexual experience and union in marriage. I can’t say for sure, but it seems that there my be some insecurity with his own sexuality, guilt over his own sexuality being projected on the potential marriage partner. As someone previously stated, when you begin dating someone, their sexual history (or lack of a history) is no one’s business. When the time to address a sexual relationship is at hand, the relationship should be strong enough to process through the issues.

One last thing: while marrying a virgin may seem like the ideal “on paper”, there are plenty of virginal women out there who are awful people. Likewise, there are nonvirginal women out there who have solid faith and who are incredible people in their lives and faith practices and who would make amazing wives. Whenever you narrow your marriage “criteria” so small then your results will likely not go well for you. Marriage is multifacited and there are so many aspects that need to come together for a happy marriage. Getting stuck on one issue, like virginity, is going to take attention away from other equally or more important facets of the relationship. I even question if marriage is the correct vocation for you at this time if this particular aspect is such a hinderance.

Again, you are only getting random people’s opinions from an online forum. TALK TO A COUNSELOR OR YOUR PRIEST.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I want to forgive and forget, but can’t. How is that being judgmental? I don’t understand…

Because you think you have something to forgive them for. You don’t, they didn’t do anything to you.

It’s not about you. I think you need to look into yourself and think about your conversations and behavior with these women and see if you are using your own virginity as a weapon. I mean, seriously, if you only want a virgin, it should be the first question out of your mouth on the first date. And if you keep getting involved with women who are not, then the question becomes: why do you need to feel superior?

Go to a Catholic dating site and put “virgin required” into the profile and leave these other women alone. They deserve someone who respects them as they are, not someone who thinks they need “forgiving.”

 

[Chevaleresse]

“perhaps it is laughable to Catholics who are more realtivistic as well”

People like you.

"I think there is a very high value place on entering marriage with each spouse having his and her virginity intact.’

But to Hell with it, right?

“I can’t say for sure, but it seems that there my be some insecurity with his own sexuality, guilt over his own sexuality being projected on the potential marriage partner.”

If you can’t say for sure, why are you mentioning it? The OP has already gotten a ton of bad advice already.

“When the time to address a sexual relationship is at hand, the relationship should be strong enough to process through the issues.”

Because hiding things is the way to go, right?

“I even question if marriage is the correct vocation for you at this time if this particular aspect is such a hinderance.”

So deal breakers mean that someone shouldn’t marry? It’s your mentality that leads people into bad marriages.

BTW, are you a man or woman? Married or unmarried?

 

[Marie1234]

Why are so many of you being so rude to each other? I don’t get it. Just answer the man’s question as best you can and if someone has offered some bad advice, simply point out, politely, where the person erred.

There’s no need to insult people or cast judgements.

 

[Chevaleresse]

Because you think you have something to forgive them for. You don’t, they didn’t do anything to you.

It’s not about you. I think you need to look into yourself and think about your conversations and behavior with these women and see if you are using your own virginity as a weapon. I mean, seriously, if you only want a virgin, it should be the first question out of your mouth on the first date. And if you keep getting involved with women who are not, then the question becomes: why do you need to feel superior?

Go to a Catholic dating site and put “virgin required” into the profile and leave these other women alone. They deserve someone who respects them as they are, not someone who thinks they need “forgiving.”

Wow. WOW. This is easily the most skewed, judgmental, unchristian, spiteful, overgeneralizing post on this thread. He’s using his virginity as a weapon? He wants to feel superior? What!? Do you speak English as your first language?

Oi. This is so beyond stupid, it’s not even worth analyzing further. You have to be a troll. I can’t think of anyone who could honestly say what you did.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Wow. WOW. This is easily the most skewed, judgmental, unchristian, spiteful, overgeneralizing post on this thread. He’s using his virginity as a weapon? He wants to feel superior? What!? Do you speak English as your first language?

Oi. This is so beyond stupid, it’s not even worth analyzing further. You have to be a troll. I can’t think of anyone who could honestly say what you did.

You seem to be reading things into my post. I wasn’t being rude or judging him. I was asking him a question to see if he has examined his own motivations here. He says he feels terrible. There must be a reason why he does. Usually, we feel terrible because we fell badly about ourselves. The question is: why?

He is obviously feeling superior if he believes he has to forgive someone else for something - when it has nothing to do with him and he has not been injured in any way.

If you meet someone who wants to be friends with you and you find out he stole a car before you met, do you feel as if you must forgive him? Who is the one who forgives in these cases?

I answer this instead of reporting your attack on me, because I feel the OP can use the answer, possibly. Please refrain from attacking me, or judging me, or calling me names in future. Thank you.

 

[Chevaleresse]

“You seem to be reading things into my post. I wasn’t being rude or judging him. I was asking him a question to see if he has examined his own motivations here. He says he feels terrible. There must be a reason why he does. Usually, we feel terrible because we fell badly about ourselves. The question is: why?”

I think he feels terrible because he can’t get over someone’s past.

“He is obviously feeling superior if he believes he has to forgive someone else for something - when it has nothing to do with him and he has not been injured in any way.”

If you read threads around here you’ll notice that people often mention things like “forgive and forget” when speaking of someone’s past. The word ‘forgive’ is used all over the place when it comes to people’s pasts, actually. So before you start saying that he’s using his “virginity as a weapon” and that he wants to feel superior, think. Do you get the impression of a craze for superiority from his posts?

 

[Sillara]

There are temporal consequences for what we do. There are some sins that leave deeper stains than others. St. Paul mentions sexual sins as being sins of this type. It is not in any way a bad thing on the OP’s part to have trouble with this.

(No, I have no dog in this fight. As it happens, my husband is the only sexual partner I have ever had. He, on the other hand, had had several partners before me.)

 

[Julia_Mae]

If you read threads around here you’ll notice that people often mention things like “forgive and forget” when speaking of someone’s past. The word ‘forgive’ is used all over the place when it comes to people’s pasts, actually. So before you start saying that he’s using his “virginity as a weapon” and that he wants to feel superior, think. Do you get the impression of a craze for superiority from his posts?

I didn’t say he did those things. I asked him if it was possible. And I doubt there are other posts in any quantity at all on this forum where anyone is speaking of
“forgiving” someone else for a past that does not involve them.

I won’t be responding to you any more as I find this off-topic, as I am not the topic here. .

 

[kozlosap]

Being obsessed with whether or not your future spouse is a virgin or not does not bode well for future happiness. We, as Catholics, are blessed with the Sacrament of Reconciliation which allows us to receive forgiveness from The Lord and then to move on and try not to sin anymore. If the OP wishes to eliminate 99% of eligible women in his search for a mate, that is his choice. IMHO he “is” suffering from the proverbial superiority complex when it come to sexual experience in any given persons past life. The poster who wrote that the OP should join an Internet Catholic dating service and make sure that “virgin’s only” is placed in a prominent location in the personal stats page is spot on - what reasonable woman would want to be involved with a man who would continually judge you for things that happened before they even met you? Isn’t it interesting that women are not so obsessed with virginity in men.

 

[Chevaleresse]

Being obsessed with whether or not your future spouse is a virgin or not does not bode well for future happiness. We, as Catholics, are blessed with the Sacrament of Reconciliation which allows us to receive forgiveness from The Lord and then to move on and try not to sin anymore. If the OP wishes to eliminate 99% of eligible women in his search for a mate, that is his choice. IMHO he “is” suffering from the proverbial superiority complex when it come to sexual experience in any given persons past life. The poster who wrote that the OP should join an Internet Catholic dating service and make sure that “virgin’s only” is placed in a prominent location in the personal stats page is spot on - what reasonable woman would want to be involved with a man who would continually judge you for things that happened before they even met you?

So, you’re judging him for judging? I’m sure he’ll respect your opinion.

And thanks for making it sound like almost all Catholic women sleep around. I don’t appreciate that.

Isn’t it interesting that women are not so obsessed with virginity in men.

Biological differences. Read a book.

 

[kozlosap]

So, you’re judging him for judging? I’m sure he’ll respect your opinion.

And thanks for making it sound like almost all Catholic women sleep around. I don’t appreciate that.

Biological differences. Read a book.

I’ll hand in my MA and 35 years of working with teenagers of both sexes. Just because you read something in a book doesn’t make it right or legit. I apologize if I upset you with the supposition that most young women are not virgins - maybe I live in a different universe than you do. I’ll do a search of literature on the net for the percentage of women over the age of 18 who are virgins.

 

[kozlosap]

I found this quote from CDC, but I have no way to authenticate the validity.

**The CDC also reports that by age 19, 80% of men and 75% of women have lost their virginity.
**

 

[Chevaleresse]

“I’ll hand in my MA and 35 years of working with teenagers of both sexes. Just because you read something in a book doesn’t make it right or legit.”

MA in what? If you want to ignore biology of humans, go ahead. There are lots of reasons why men are more concerned about it than women. I recommend looking up the reasons in a textbook or journal.

If your MA was in Gender Studies:

textbook: noun 1. a book used by students as a standard work for a particular branch of study.

“I apologize if I upset you with the supposition that most young women are not virgins - maybe I live in a different universe than you do. I’ll do a search of literature on the net for the percentage of women over the age of 18 who are virgins.”

“The CDC also reports that by age 19, 80% of men and 75% of women have lost their virginity.”

Yeah, that’s a bit a closer to the actual numbers. Though at 25 more men are virgins than women.

PS. You lose credibility when you use figures like “99%”.