I feel that I am done with my Dad

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StephenL

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Hello, my Dad and I have always had problems, however tonight was sadly the last straw for me. I had told him about a retreat and he told me I could do it. Well tonight we had to do the paper work and he said no. I was paying for it all and he said he wasn’t signing off on it. The retreat has been planned for the last 2 months. He claims he only knew about one we were going to do. However that is not the case. He told me he Would help me pay for it. Tonight, nope. I talked the Leader and they told me that they would call her. But back to the title. I see my Dad for 10 minutes each day if that. During those 10 minutes I barely talk to him. He told me I don’t talk to him. I to be honest distance my self from him. I would rather be on a sort of self reliance than deal with him. My Spiritual Advisor predicted this. I am not happy with the Path. But I have found a lot more peace without having to deal with him at length. I am not as stressed and I am more patient with people. I Love my Dad; I hate a lot of what does. I am not perfect. I forgive my Dad. I just don’t want to deal with him. None whatsoever. It is not that I have hate towards him. It is just I am fine with not being around him. This makes me very sad. It should never have gotten to this point. I have tried get in touch with him, but it fails to reach him. I don’t want to deal with him. Any advice?
 
StephenL said:
Hello, my Dad and I have always had problems, however tonight was sadly the last straw for me. I had told him about a retreat and he told me I could do it. Well tonight we had to do the paper work and he said no. I was paying for it all and he said he wasn’t signing off on it. The retreat has been planned for the last 2 months. He claims he only knew about one we were going to do. However that is not the case. He told me he Would help me pay for it. Tonight, nope. I talked the Leader and they told me that they would call her. But back to the title. I see my Dad for 10 minutes each day if that. During those 10 minutes I barely talk to him. He told me I don’t talk to him. I to be honest distance my self from him. I would rather be on a sort of self reliance than deal with him. My Spiritual Advisor predicted this. I am not happy with the Path. But I have found a lot more peace without having to deal with him at length. I am not as stressed and I am more patient with people. I Love my Dad; I hate a lot of what does. I am not perfect. I forgive my Dad. I just don’t want to deal with him. None whatsoever. It is not that I have hate towards him. It is just I am fine with not being around him. This makes me very sad. It should never have gotten to this point. I have tried get in touch with him, but it fails to reach him. I don’t want to deal with him. Any advice?
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How old are you?

Seems you must be a minor. So, that’s difficult.

He seems to say he wants to speak to you, so that’s a plus.

One idea would be to try to talk about something else, something neutral. Maybe try asking him how his day has been. If he likes sports, if you know anything about that, you could say something about that.

Try to put yourself in his shoes, for a moment. I don’t know if it will help. If he only gets 10 min. a day to talk, that’s not a lot of time to develop, or sustain a relationship, and if there’s tension and a breakdown in communication, less so.

Sometimes, as a provider, it’s a lot of responsibility. Well, he might need to work in a job that maybe he likes, or maybe he doesn’t, to support the house, car, and family.

He may have problems with coworkers, supervisors. When he comes home, he might have to tend to home repairs, bills, and if there are younger kids about, he might need to help with discipline.

Maybe he’s tired, exhausted. Sounds like he keeps himself pretty busy.

How’s the economic situation, work? Does he have a good, steady income? Is he happy in his work, his relationship with your mother, and if you have other siblings, with them?

How’s his health?

Are there a lot of bills?

In the US, often people never stop running. They get up, run out of the house to work, come home, and have all kinds of things to do. It can seem like it never ends.

We don’t know what else is going on…if he gets along with his family.

Does he have a lot of stress and pressure, too?
 
I am 17. I understand that 17teen usually infers I am pretty immature, which is semi accurate. It is just normal.
 
Is he opposed to your being as involved in church activities, or is this in general?
 
I am 17. I understand that 17teen . I am out of the house majority of the time. I work, run track, and go to school. We live pretty nicely. He is in the house more than me. I am the only kid in the house.
 
Stephen, you are very fortunate you have a Dad in the home. Although you only spend 10 min. a day with him, you two will be going on a retreat together. Is he looking forward to doing that with you?

The retreat you want to go on would, I assume, require that he or you Mom sign a permission slip for you to go. Was that done? Were the reservations made for you by your parents? Was your group leader aware that you were going? If some of this is true, you might remind your Dad that the above was done.

Before asking the above, see if you can pay for the retreat yourself by asking the counselor if there is some way you can absorb the cost by helping out at the retreat.

Don’t get into an argument with your Dad. He might have other things on his mind that you don’t know about. You will be going away with him so don’t try and let that trip be ruined by arguing. God might feel you will learn more about patience, love, and understanding going through this disappointment than by attending that retreat.
 
The feelings you are having are not uncommon for teenagers. Fortunately they will pass with time.

Unfortunately us Dads are not perfect either. We don’t always make the right decisions. We don’t always give the love our children deserve.

Please pray for him, but don’t give up on him.

Peace,
John M Philomena
 
It sounds like there was a misunderstanding–he thought there was only one retreat (that you were both going on) and you knew there were actually two.

If you guys aren’t talking that much and hadn’t put BOTH onto a family calendar, I can see how this kind of misunderstanding could arise.

(I recently had a similar issue with a pest control company–I didn’t realize that they were coming for two visits rather than one, so I wound up completely unprepared when the Orkin Man arrived–unshowered and in my nightgown, rather than all ready to talk about termites.)

Has he explained his reasoning? If he thinks he doesn’t see much of you as it is, he may be reluctant to lose time with you.

This doesn’t sound like malice. Give this one up. You’ll be out of the house soon enough.
 
I see you are a minor. We can’t tell anything about your total relationship here with your father, but as a minor you are bound to abide by his rules in his house. (Unless he is demanding you sin or commit crimes of some sort.)

Could your dad’s refusal to let you go on your own be out of concern for your safety? Does he have a reason to question your ability to handle the given situation on your own? Parents have a lot of fear about harm coming to their kids, and some can get over-protective.

As another suggested: Let this go. You are soon to be 18, and if things are that tense with your parents, (or dad), start planning on leaving for your own place. If you don’t have a job, get one. Save all the money you can, as you will need it, find a basic studio apartment (they are the cheapest) and give life a chance on your own. Just know that you will need to count on 50% or more of your wage to be used on rent. You will have no extra money for anything and you may find that dad has a lot he worries about when you have to worry about it for yourself.

Basically, in the city I live in, if you are not making 3K a month you will live in a really low income apartment, will hardly be able to afford gas for the car let alone insurance, oil and repairs, you won’t be able to afford a fancy cell phone, and groceries will be very limited after you pay all your utilities, water, phone and other bills. The average rent in our area is $1600/month. Take that off the 3K/month and subtract at least 25% for taxes. Then you will have a good idea of what will be left over for all other expenses.
 
Communion of saints invites us to experience knowledge of how to be independent and how to be dependent upon one another. Neither independence or dependence is valued above the other.

As a youth, you are emerging from dependence to independace, and it is good. However, in your quest to gain more independence you are wearing blinders and failing to seek a healthy balance between independence and depandance. We must remember to Give Thanks in ALL things. This starts with thanks to God, parents, family, friends, comunity, and even enemies.

To approach your request for this journey you desire, I would start with giving thanks to you Dad for his works to give you ( insert: shelter, food, toothpaste, insurance, transportation, proximity to community you like, health insurance, guidance, ect). Like confession this needs to be practiced person to person. After this exercise, you may give thanks to the leader who is coordinating the journey you want to join. Then graciously tell them you do not have the means to participate. Further, inquire how you might participate from your home (online, pamphlets, books, prayers, service).

The best way to independence will be to react with disappointment with a positive Attitude and find ways to glorify God within the means and graces He provides you.
 
Sounds like your dad needs someone else (not you) to tell him that his kids don’t want to be around him. Don’t see value in him as a guide and helper. Just see the anger and ‘no’'s.

That will break him.

Then if he’s smart, he’ll call a meeting with kids individually and apologize, and give the kid the floor to just go to town on him / at him.

From where the kid is confused and Dad clarifies his apology and asks for suggestions. Kids will give good suggestions.

This does miracles for the relationship.

Your dad doesn’t see the problems, make him aware through another adult (assumingly, your mom).

Oh, and yes, this is from experience.
 
At I believe 2 retreats, I worked there in exchange for the retreat, because we couldn’t really afford retreats. I come from a family of eleven.

We found other ways to do things.

Is it that your father has to bring you and that he can’t bring you? If so, can you get a ride with somebody else?

Sometimes we change our minds due to the circumstances, but it must be frustrating to have all this planned for months, and mainly because you are still just under 18 y.o., need to depend on a parent to sign off to give you permission, which isn’t forthcoming.

It happens when we’re young. If it’s any consolation, in about a year’s time, you won’t need his signature for permission any more! 🙂
 
StephenL said:
I am 17. I understand that 17teen usually infers I am pretty immature, which is semi accurate. It is just normal.
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I don’t know about immature. I think any 17 year old who posts on Catholic Forums and wants to be actively involved in his Catholic Spirituality is pretty darn mature.

I too had a difficult father. He was violent, immoral and a drunk.

Because of Catholic teaching, I was the only one of his three children (that we know of) who had a relationship with him when he died. I was there when he came back to The Church after 45 years and 10 days before he died.

Hang in there, Stephen. I am going to hold you in prayer. You are on a difficult but rewarding path.👍
 
LSK said:
I don’t know about immature. I think any 17 year old who posts on Catholic Forums and wants to be actively involved in his Catholic Spirituality is pretty darn mature.

I too had a difficult father. He was violent, immoral and a drunk.

Because of Catholic teaching, I was the only one of his three children (that we know of) who had a relationship with him when he died. I was there when he came back to The Church after 45 years and 10 days before he died.

Hang in there, Stephen. I am going to hold you in prayer. You are on a difficult but rewarding path.👍
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I am not saying LSK is immature, but most 17 year old guys and gals are. There are exceptions, but involvement in the Church is no guarantee. I do hope he does not have a problem like yours. If there is that kind of trouble then getting out asap is by all means a good idea. But it is so hard financially that someone should probably be advising him on how to get this done as inexpensively as possible.

I hope LSK sticks to his studies and interest in the Church. And if there is any immaturity moving out on one’s own is a sure fire way to discover it.
 
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