I got slapped...advice please.

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I am a 69 year old woman. I took a short trip with a friend, to a Catholic retreat, no less. She was driving, and we were discussing politics or the church or something. I was enthusiastically talking when she slapped me on the back several times, hard, and told me not to interrupt. I was shocked. I was hurt. I told her not to slap me again. But that was a few days ago, and a sadness and depression is still lingering within me.

This is a person that I thought was a friend, someone with whom I share my Catholicism. We went through the retreat sort of in silence, but the thought of her hitting me has rattled me. It has rattled me and I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. This woman has a history of deep depression and suicide thoughts. I don’t think I can help her anymore. She is a professing Catholic. Do you think she is dangerous to be around, or am I making this out to be more than it actually is. We are both grown adults.

Please help me here, because I feel guilty, as though I did something wrong. I have never had this happen to me with friends… I know I should forgive her, but I really don’t want to be around her and I don’t even think she is sorry. This is weird to me…

Thank you.
 
Why don’t you talk to your priest about this? It clearly troubles you, but I don’t think we here on the Internet have enough knowledge of your situation to give advice or an opinion of what happened.
 
That is a very good idea. It is embarrassing, though…that is why I thought I would test the waters here, to see if I have a legitimate complaint and if it rendered bothering a priest.
 
janevcbw said:
Please help me here, because I feel guilty, as though I did something wrong. I have never had this happen to me with friends… I know I should forgive her, but I really don’t want to be around her and I don’t even think she is sorry. This is weird to me…

Thank you.
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Well with friends like this … But no seriously I’m sorry that happened to you and no matter what friend or not no one has permission to lay hands on you unless you give it … Having said that you can forgive and yet end the friendship you don’t have to say a word simply stop speaking

Now if she where to ask you why you aren’t speaking you can have an honest talk about how she hit you … How that made you feel and how you have decided you don’t need that in your life
 
:hug1:Talk with your friend. Let her know that you value her friendship but there was an incident which shocked and dismayed you. Relay the incident and let her know how it made you feel, and end it with the statement: “I do not give you or anyone else permission to assault me and I expect a sincere apology within a week if this friendship is to continue. I know you will do the right thing because you are a good, gentle and kind person, that is why I chose you to be my friend”.

That gives her time to react, cool down, think about her actions and make a decision.

You set the boundaries in any relationship, don’t let others set it for you. In friendships if it is a long one you usually know where you can go and where you can’t go.

I’m sorry that you are experiencing this, it is exactly what spouses feel when their partner who has never been violent, hits them for the first time. Stand your ground and do not make excuses for bad behaviour.

If she apologises sincerely, accept it and move on. If it happens again, I would end the friendship,
 
janevcbw said:
I am a 69 year old woman. I took a short trip with a friend, to a Catholic retreat, no less. She was driving, and we were discussing politics or the church or something. I was enthusiastically talking when she slapped me on the back several times, hard, and told me not to interrupt. I was shocked. I was hurt. I told her not to slap me again. But that was a few days ago, and a sadness and depression is still lingering within me.

This is a person that I thought was a friend, someone with whom I share my Catholicism. We went through the retreat sort of in silence, but the thought of her hitting me has rattled me. It has rattled me and I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. This woman has a history of deep depression and suicide thoughts. I don’t think I can help her anymore. She is a professing Catholic. Do you think she is dangerous to be around, or am I making this out to be more than it actually is. We are both grown adults.

Please help me here, because I feel guilty, as though I did something wrong. I have never had this happen to me with friends… I know I should forgive her, but I really don’t want to be around her and I don’t even think she is sorry. This is weird to me…

Thank you.
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You can forgive her, but it might be best to head your separate way, particularly if she didn’t apologize, expressed no remorse.
 
If you see her again, you could encourage her to seek counseling regarding the depression and suicidal ideations. There’s a 1-800 number where one can talk to someone trained in this. suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Click on “get help” for “someone else”.
You can give the number to her. It’s 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
 
Something clearly snapped with her. I would steer clear of her if possible. Yes, do talk to your priest. Peace and prayers.
 
Avoiding the subject is not doing either of you any good. I would get it out in the open, and soon — take the bull by the horns, so to speak — and tell her that you were quite disturbed by her striking you and that it mustn’t happen again. If you tell her how much it hurt you, both physically and emotionally, she may apologize and amend her behavior, and you will both feel better about it.

If, on the other hand, she blames you (either “you made me do it” or “don’t be a wimp”), perhaps is would be best to avoid her. You are not required to spend time with such people.

In any case, I would not demand an apology. Is it even possible to elicit her true remorse by threatening to end your companionship? I doubt it. She may not be able to find the right words, but may “apologize” by a sincere change of heart.

For you do not desire [ritual] sacrifice or I would give it;
a burnt offering you would not accept.
My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit;
a contrite, humbled heart, O God, you will not scorn.
Psalm 51:18-19
 
I see this more as a personal preference decision regarding the friendship, but I hope we all understand the merit of forgiveness here.

I can say that I am not surprised someone with these sorts of mental problems would feel so offended about a difference of opinion, but that boundaries must be set for anyone.
 
janevcbw said:
I am a 69 year old woman. I took a short trip with a friend, to a Catholic retreat, no less. She was driving, and we were discussing politics or the church or something. I was enthusiastically talking when she slapped me on the back several times, hard, and told me not to interrupt. I was shocked. I was hurt. I told her not to slap me again. But that was a few days ago, and a sadness and depression is still lingering within me.

This is a person that I thought was a friend, someone with whom I share my Catholicism. We went through the retreat sort of in silence, but the thought of her hitting me has rattled me. It has rattled me and I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. This woman has a history of deep depression and suicide thoughts. I don’t think I can help her anymore. She is a professing Catholic. Do you think she is dangerous to be around, or am I making this out to be more than it actually is. We are both grown adults.

Please help me here, because I feel guilty, as though I did something wrong. I have never had this happen to me with friends… I know I should forgive her, but I really don’t want to be around her and I don’t even think she is sorry. This is weird to me…

Thank you.
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It’s not your fault you were hit. Notify the police that she assaulted you. Consider talking to a counselor to feel less guilty.
 
janevcbw said:
I am a 69 year old woman. I took a short trip with a friend, to a Catholic retreat, no less. She was driving, and we were discussing politics or the church or something. I was enthusiastically talking when she slapped me on the back several times, hard, and told me not to interrupt. I was shocked. I was hurt. I told her not to slap me again. But that was a few days ago, and a sadness and depression is still lingering within me.
This is a person that I thought was a friend, someone with whom I share my Catholicism. We went through the retreat sort of in silence, but the thought of her hitting me has rattled me. It has rattled me and I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. This woman has a history of deep depression and suicide thoughts. I don’t think I can help her anymore. She is a professing Catholic. Do you think she is dangerous to be around, or am I making this out to be more than it actually is. We are both grown adults.

Please help me here, because I feel guilty, as though I did something wrong. I have never had this happen to me with friends… I know I should forgive her, but I really don’t want to be around her and I don’t even think she is sorry. This is weird to me…

Thank you.
Click to expand...
I am so so sorry that happened to you I wish I knew what to say
 
Dear Jane,
That’s absolutely unacceptable. You are right to be shocked and dismayed, that is not the way a friend should act. None of my friends would ever act like that. I had an ex-husband who would do that, but that’s why he’s my ex.
If it were me, I would call her up and ask, “You remember that trip we took to the retreat, and slapping me? I just called to ask what in the world you were thinking?”
As Beryllos says, depending on her response, you could decide whether to continue the friendship or not.
You probably feel guilty because since there was no reason for the assault, your mind is trying to make sense of it by searching for something you must have done to deserve it. But there isn’t, and you didn’t deserve it, so you must tell yourself that. Praying will help.
God bless.

.
 
No one has the right to hit you. I would put an end to this friendship.
 
It’s demeaning to you that you have experienced this at her hands. It’s a put down no doubt about that. It’s humiliating & degrading to have been the victim of this violence. Whether you realise it or not, this is the effect this will have on you. I would immediately set boundaries & make your friend go out of her way to see you & then demand an apology. 😦
 
I’ve had friends jokingly slap me upside the head but your case, OP, just, wow.

I think you should tell your friend how you feel, and ask that she not slap you again.

Some old school Catholics, as in like, old people like my parents, were slapped and hit by the nuns growing up in schools. Not to excuse her behavior but maybe this is just the status quo of her, she’s projecting, as the nuns may have done to her.

Tell this friend how you feel, how her hitting you made you feel, and ask that she not do it again. Why didn’t you call her out on the spot? Whatev, water under the bridge now.

I bet she’ll feel bad and apologize. Like I said I think she was probably projecting. But she could be abusing you. If that’s the case let this friendship go. But I’d demand an explanation first, before making that decision.
 
The fact that you ask “Do you think she is dangerous to be around, or am I making this out to be more than it actually is”… and also the fact that you are physically affected days later with a depression and anxiety… is really significant. You’ve been genuinely abused.

When counsellors are addressing abuse, they leave the aspect of forgiveness until after a woman (or man) is in a state of feeling safe and in control because premature attempts to forgive can prevent a proper process of healing from abuse.

It was only a slap on the back you might be thinking but that’s where much abuse starts. Your confidence and security has been affected by the act and you are actually vulnerable.

I would talk to someone about it to nip your reaction in the bud. A Priest who may be then able to refer you to a counsellor. Or just go to a counsellor first up. They are trained in recognising the affects of abuse in someone and how to take back before it escalates into real depression or anxiety.
 
1ke said:
Why don’t you talk to your priest about this? It clearly troubles you, but I don’t think we here on the Internet have enough knowledge of your situation to give advice or an opinion of what happened.
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Why would you think that? It sounds like she gave enough info in the OP… 🤷
 
I don’t think we never, ever have a total understanding of a situation via Internet and there may be more nuances that can not be articulated by the poster. The poster would fare better with a face to face dialog with a priest-confessor -or a councilor. I agree with Ike as the poster was clearly and deeply affected by the incident. Advice is only as good as the person giving or receiving it. None of us are walking in her shoes. Personally, I would really steer clear of her-and that may not be good advice either. Also, I personally would not want to confront a person who has already showed a penchant to get"slapppy.":eek: Just my opinion as my free advice isn’t worth a whole lot
 
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