I had the "talk" with my H

[duskyjewel]

This is a difficult question indeed. But those marriage vows are a ringing in my head right now.

‘For better or for worse’ - your marriage isn’t annulled yet, you’d have to stick through it or actually get it annulled. That way you can be away from him and still care for him if so need be, when the time comes.

There is nothing that says she MUST live with an abusive spouse. She can walk out the door and leave the marriage intact.

Dermot, you’ve been at this for months. You need to make a decision. Something is keeping you there. Not just guilt or fear. People hold onto things when they get something out of them. You need to figure out what you’re getting from this situation that you don’t want to let go of. (martyr status that gets you sympathy? I am NOT trying to be rude, I promise, I am trying to get you to look clearly at yourself and why you took this for so long and why you continue to try with him when it’s obvious he’s impervious.) Most people would have been out the door decades before his diagnosis…

 

[mdgspencer]

You should go to a marriage counselor, and it should be a Catholic marriage counseler. Perhaps your parish can recommend one. A priest does not have the training to handle this.
But you yourself should be willing to change, or going to one may be useless.

 

[dermot2]

I’m not sure what you’e saying in terms of changing. If you’re trying to advise me to “accept” the marriage as is and deal with it, I don’t think I can.

If on the other hand you’re saying I need to change my ideas about guilt and codependency then I agree.

 

[royal_archer]

I’m not sure what you’e saying in terms of changing. If you’re trying to advise me to “accept” the marriage as is and deal with it, I don’t think I can.

If on the other hand you’re saying I need to change my ideas about guilt and codependency then I agree.

I appologize in advance for the insensitivity of the rest of this post.

You two got together when he was healthy right? I presume he was acceptable to you then right? If he “turned” on you prior to getting sick you should have left then. But it appears you did accept him or at least tollerate him. Then while you were in a relationship that was at lease tollerable he got sick. Is his sickness causing his issues or is the sickness just the last straw?

From this point I am shooting from the hip and have not thought this through but please bear with me. I used to teach first aid and one of the discussions that always came up were the legal issues. part fo the discussion was when to give up or stop rendering aid. Not being a lawyer I tried to teach from an ethical point of view. If someone is injured and you do not render aid but keep on walking there is a chance the next passerby will see the need and render aid. However if you render aid and the next passer by sees you rendering aid they may keep walking. If this happens and you then give up on the person you have also denied them the opportunity to get help from the other passer bys. So if you start aid stay with it until someone relieves you.

Had you not married your husband he would have had other chances with other women. But you two made a commitment to each other for better or worse etc etc. At that point you two agreed to no longer look to life outside the relationship. While I feel sory for you and your situation you do have some level of commitment. Now I don’t know how bad things are so what I am saying may be in tune with with a stream when you are in a raging river. But another way of looking at it may be if you pay money to a health insurance company and then when you get sick they drop you. How would you feel if the insurance then came back and said they had never been happy with the amount you were paying. I hope your answer to them would be that you have a contract and now is a little late for them to complain about not being happy with something they agreed to. Marriage is a contract and if you do not agree with the terms you need to be upfront about it. Marriage is also like an insurance policy where you weigh the likelyhood against the risk of bad. You may have just cause to take extreme measures but look in your heart and be sure that his sickness is not the cause.

Again, I appologize for being harsh and insensitive.

 

[stayathomemommy]

I am not sure what morally you can do as far as ending the marriage or getting it annulled…it is strange that he never wanted children and you have not been intimate in so many years. If there was a reason for an annulment i am sure that would be one.

But i think the most important thing is so find some joy in your life. Can you get out of the house and volunteer somewhere. If you love children can you help out needy children in afterschool programs?? I know i find great joy in visiting the elderly, they are usually so happy to have someone to play cards with and paint their nails. My mother loves, loves, loves working for the hospitals auxillery. the ladies have quite a bond and create great friendships all while raising money and volunteering in different ways in the hospital.

I think your joy will only spill over and hopefully infect your husband. Let him know he can’t get you down and that life is only worth living if happy and caring for others. The sacrifies you have made in your life are not for nothing. God has a plan, dont abandon everything just yet.

GOD BLESS!!

 

[monicatholic]

If on the other hand you’re saying I need to change my ideas about guilt and codependency then I agree.

A person can’t think their way into a better way of living, but a person can ***live ***their way into a better way of thinking.

Actions first.

Another poster had mentioned that you’ve been ruminating over this for several months. while it’s good to point that out, I don’t think it’s important you identify ‘what you’re holding onto.’ You don’t need to shrink yourself. That will just be a time-wasting smoke-screen.

The question ***isn’t ***“Why am I still here?” Essentially, I think the question is “Does God want me to stay in union with a man who never entered into the sacrament by refusing children, insisting on artificial birth control and withholding intimacy?”

Does God want you to remain in what appears to be, according to objective standards, an unsacramental marriage?

If you feel bad about his sickness, remember this: you can help care for him even if you’re not married to him.

(I just heard from a woman who’s SIL returned to minister to her dying ex-husband in his final months because he was a miserable and spiteful man and no one else would do it.)

 

[dermot2]

The question isn’t “Why am I still here?” Essentially, I think the question is “Does God want me to stay in union with a man who never entered into the sacrament by refusing children, insisting on artificial birth control and withholding intimacy?”

Does God want you to remain in what appears to be, according to objective standards, an unsacramental marriage?

If you feel bad about his sickness, remember this: you can help care for him even if you’re not married to him

If people want to know why I didn’t leave much earlier – the answer is, I did leave after the first five years of our marriage. I had already realized by then that my H was verbally abusive, highly critical and controlling. Unfortunately, back then ( the 70s) separation and divorce were not nearly as well accepted as they are now, and I was depressed and lonely. My H persuaded me to return with promises of better behaviour and so I di go back to him.

Over the years the verbal abuse returned and by age 34 we were no longer having sex. I don’t know why – my H never discussed it with me ( the elephant in the room). He never wanted to fix it either. I didn’t know what to do so I tried to do the best I can. I thought it was what God wanted.

Now I’m not so sure

 

[monicatholic]

If people want to know why I didn’t leave much earlier…

I think you missed my point. Why you are still there (or how many times you left and returned) isn’t relevant anymore. Again, I think the ultimate question is: ***Does God want you to remain in what appears to be, according to objective standards, an unsacramental marriage? ***

 

[dermot2]

Judging by some of the posts here I don’t think a lot of people are aware that the toll abuse (verbal and physical) can take on a person. When someone undermines your self-esteem over the years by name-calling, criticism, controlling behaviour and second-guessing your decisions, it takes away your will to act.

I think that’s what happened to me. Every time I really tried to leave, I’d get scared of the consequences - how I’d make out on my own, what family would think, failure. So in the end it seemed less painful to do nothing. Of course that was wrong. My ambivalence had left both me and my H in the wrong marriage for years. With the MS diagnosis, I told God would deal with it, but that’s when some of the worse abuse in years was heaped on me. And no, my H was not acting that way because of MS, he was doing it to control, and to hurt me.

I’ve also tried many of the things suggested here – clubs, volunteerism etc, but in the end I still have to come back here – and face and try to deal with all the difficulties, regrets and problems that my H refuses to face with me.

His MS is not the reason I want to leave – a lifetime of unhappiness is.

 

[annihilate_me]

You had all the right in telling him why you’re so unhappy. Honesty is best policy.

You’re in my prayers!

God Bless, Take Care and Stay Safe!
-Amanda

 

[monicatholic]

His MS is not the reason I want to leave – a lifetime of unhappiness is.

Unhappiness is not reason enough to leave. If your marriage was sacramental, happy or not, you’d be obligated to remain married-- (even if you seperated from him physically and civilly (CCC 2383*******))

But your marriage appears to be unsacramental. Is it God’s desire for you to be in an unsacramental marriage?

*****2383 *The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.*