I hate being alone *rant time*

[Rascalking]

OK, I know I am sensitive about thing like this, because of personal experience, but…

If the OP is clinically depressed, or has an anxiety problem, this is ridiculous advice.

Often, people who have never been depressed (not just sad or blue - but actually depressed) don’t realize that the very DEFINITION of depression is – You can’t cheer up! You can’t think positively! You want to, but you can’t!

Depression is not about weak people wallowing in their self-indulgent, oh-woe-is-me feelings. It is beyond our control. So to the OP – if you feel you can not overcome these negative/depressed feelings, or your anxiety is overwhelming – maybe therapy could help. I know it sure helped me.

Rant over.

If the OP was clincally depressed, I apologize. I understand completely what depression is, and for what it’s worth, I think it’s horrible medical condition.

Having said that, I think it can be treated with medication and therapy. One cannot and should not acquiesce to the feelings and “give up”. If you remain happy-and put on a good face, you’d be amazed how you feel, and how popular you’ll become.

If I offended you or anyone else, I do apologize.

 

[CountrySinger]

I know at my church, they had to disband the young adults group, because only women showed up, so they couldn’t sell it as both genders. So now it’s the young adult women’s group. Imagine my disappointment. RIP OFF.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I know at my church, they had to disband the young adults group, because only women showed up, so they couldn’t sell it as both genders. So now it’s the young adult women’s group. Imagine my disappointment. RIP OFF.

Yes, I can see that – what types of get-togethers would they plan, though? Men generally don’t want to sit around and talk about their feelings - LOL! That’s why I was thinking of outdoorsy stuff, as well as things associated with sports, boats and cars!

 

[GoBison]

Originally Posted by StJudePray4Me
I have been thinking all day about the OP here, as well as other young adults on this board who have expressed similar feelings (not being able to find other nice, Catholic singles) and I had an idea.

What about creating a group? Not a “youth group” and not a “dating service” but a group that plans outings? A bunch of potential things came to mind:

Going hiking
Going to a museum
Going to a concert
An aquarium
See a movie
Having a softball game
a BarBeQue to watch a baseball or football game
wine tasting
horse show
NASCAR races
boat shows
Card games night

It goes on forever – just think of things that both women & men like to do with their friends. If you planned 4 or 5 outings for a month, and then ask all surrounding parishes to put something in the bulletin… you could even make a facebook page for the group and take suggestions, etc.

I think it would take the pressure off, as it’s not a “date” – just a bunch of single Catholic adults getting together to do fun stuff. It would create opportunities for conversation - just natural conversation about whatever you are doing. Even if you didn’t meet a girl right away, I’ll bet you could make some new friends and broaden your social circle, and not feel so alone on the weekends…

What do you all think?

I love it! I suggested this on another thread…and got a bit shot down…but I think it is a great idea! not that we all live in the same place, etc. But it would help getting young adult Catholics together!

You mean something like meetup.com.

 

[CountrySinger]

Yes, I can see that – what types of get-togethers would they plan, though? Men generally don’t want to sit around and talk about their feelings - LOL! That’s why I was thinking of outdoorsy stuff, as well as things associated with sports, boats and cars!

They involved drinking, so you would think men would like it.

 

[TedDC]

A few people have suggested that the OP’s self-esteem needs to improve, but I think he should hear another perspective on that.

Ever since my teen years, women have never been interested in me, and have always turned me down when I approach them. I got the standard advice that I had to improve the way I thought of myself, that women are attracted to confidence more than looks, etc, etc. But the thing was, I did have high self-esteem. I was completely bewildered by the response I got from women - I really thought I was just as good-looking and desirable as the next guy, but “the next guy” always got the girl, while I ended up alone.

I had the misfortune to grow up in the heyday of self-esteem theory. A particularly nasty corollary of that theory goes like this: “Since I am highly desirable, there must be something wrong with anyone who rejects me”. It was often expressed as “Well, if she doesn’t want to date you, it’s her loss.”. For a while, I eagerly embraced that idea, but I soon realized that there can’t be that many defective women out there, and that just maybe the problem really was me after all. I learned that it wasn’t “her loss”; it was all mine. She always found someone and was quite happy without me.

Eventually, I realized the simple truth: some men are just unattractive due to physical defects, and unfortunately I was one of them. Nothing I could say or do would change that. It wasn’t a happy conclusion, but at least it was the truth.

I’m in my early 50s now, so any prospects for a relationship with an attractive, intelligent, personable woman are of course long gone. But I wish I had known years ago where I stood, instead of torturing myself trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, when in fact I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

 

[isluk]

I just hate myself so much

There’s your sole underlining problem Lotus.

*Until *you learn to love yourself, you cannot begin to love anyone else. How do you expect others to love you if even YOU won’t?

Start looking in that mirror at the child within and see him wanting desperately for someone to love him … AND THEN LOVE HIM Lotus!

Start doing kinder things for yourself. Start off with NO MORE cutting yourself down. Stop the name-calling! You wouldn’t do that to a friend standing next to you … well you ARE that friend to yourself so stop it!

Literally begin to become friends with yourself and spend more time enjoying your own company. If you like reading? Take the time to go somewhere and read while packing a lunch.

This may sound “stupid” to you but it is not!

Until you like yourself, how can you begin to love yourself?
If you don’t like spending time with yourself? How can you expect anyone else to?

And always remember this Lotus … Christ loved you sooooo much that he endured hours of agonizing torture by the Romans before picking up that cross and carrying it up to Calvary to ensure He could welcome you Home to be with Him for eternity!

Focus on His great hug in those moments when you’re at your lowest … because His hugs are always full of the greatest love of all time and there’s NO DOUBT He loves you!

Also remember who is loving this! He’s the one perched on your shoulder whispering lies! He’s the one who doesn’t want you to remember how much Jesus loves you and the price He was more than willing to pay to win you over! He’s the one who wants you to fail. He is the master of deciet, the master of lies and manipulations, the master of this world. Know your enemy first … Satan.

 

[isluk]

Perspective heard and appreciated but…

But the thing was, I did have high self-esteem. I was completely bewildered by the response I got from women - I really thought I was just as good-looking and desirable as the next guy,

TedDC:

some men are just unattractive due to physical defects, and unfortunately I was one of them.

…those two points don’t add up Ted, unless you do have an actual physical defect as you state and you didn’t think that would impede relationships in your youth.

If that’s the case? Then your example doesn’t lend to the point you’re attempting to make by stating that Lotus doesn’t have to worry about changing his self esteem issues. Because by your own statement, there is a specific reason (in your eyes) that you’re alone, and it had nothing to do with self esteem.

 

[chevalier]

Someone’s being very sharp. Nice to see you on the boards, isluk. Looking forward to crossing paths in a thread or two.

 

[TedDC]

Perspective heard and appreciated but…

…those two points don’t add up Ted, unless you do have an actual physical defect as you state and you didn’t think that would impede relationships in your youth.

If that’s the case? Then your example doesn’t lend to the point you’re attempting to make by stating that Lotus doesn’t have to worry about changing his self esteem issues. Because by your own statement, there is a specific reason (in your eyes) that you’re alone, and it had nothing to do with self esteem.

Sorry for the confusion - I just didn’t word my narrative very clearly. When I was younger, I didn’t even realize that I had a physical defect which made me unattractive to women. I honestly thought I was just as desirable as other guys were, so I couldn’t understand why I was being rejected. The self-esteem stuff simply added to my confusion, because I already thought pretty highly of myself. I was being told, in effect, that it was “all in my head”, when in fact my “head” was doing just fine. It was very frustrating to be told that my problems were due to my own flawed thinking, when no one could tell me exactly where I was wrong.

Once I escaped from of the “self-esteem trap” and began looking at every aspect of myself as others might see me, I realized that I came up quite short in the area of physical appearance, and I saw that other men with the same defect suffered from similarly negative perceptions by women.

Regarding the OP’s concern, please note that I never said he doesn’t have to worry about self-esteem. None of us can know whether his perceptions are accurate or not; I was merely offering an alternate perspective on the topic.

 

[EphelDuath]

I feel terrible right now and need to vent. I wanted to try talking to a friend of mine but she has plans for tonight so she’s not available.

I basically hate being alone. I know of all these wonderful, beautiful and (it seems, though I may be wrong) single Catholic girls who are perfect prospects and yet whenever I think about them I get the feeling that I cannot be with them. I get this feeling that they’re like stars in the sky that I can look up to but never reach because I am too lowly. It’s like I shouldn’t even bother thinking about them because I can’t be with them. I could never compete with any of the Catholic guys that they hang out with, either, because they’re cool, suave, and extroverted but I’m geeky, introverted, strange, and too shy and socially awkward to compete with them. Any of these women wouldn’t consider me if they had the choice. I basically don’t have the luxury of choice in dating and the only option I have available is to settle for whatever I can get (and even that’s going to be a stretch). Sometimes I feel guilty even looking at these women (or others for that matter) because I know that I can never be with them.

I also hate how it seems that I am always left alone whenever anything happens. Everyone’s got plans except me not only because I have nobody to do anything with but even if I did I don’t have the money to do anything. I’m basically the loser who sits at home on Saturday night wanting to cry because everyone else is out socializing and having fun and enjoying each other’s company but I don’t have anyone to share that with. And please, PLEASE don’t tell me “well go somewhere”; at this hour there is, unfortunately, nowhere to go. There aren’t any Catholic youth events, all the guitar shops are closed, the record shops close soon, and even if these things were around I wouldn’t be able to socialize with anyone.

I hate being this pathetic loser who always gets ignored and forgotten. I hate being invisible to the other sex, and I basically just want to fall asleep and sleep for the rest of the weekend or just crawl into my little hole and hide forever. I just feel pathetic and sad.

/end rant.

Yikes, that sounded nigh-verbatim of my own situation a month ago.

I went to group therapy, found out that my own feelings were rather paranoid, and tried to be less self-conscious about my own inadequacy. I haven’t totally conquered it yet but I feel much happier knowing that I’m not as bad as I thought I was.

I’m very unattractive, but I asked out a very pretty lady and she said yes: because I had self-confidence, and I took a genuine interest in what she had to say.

 

[OmicronTheta]

I have been thinking all day about the OP here, as well as other young adults on this board who have expressed similar feelings (not being able to find other nice, Catholic singles) and I had an idea.

What about creating a group? Not a “youth group” and not a “dating service” but a group that plans outings? A bunch of potential things came to mind:

Going hiking
Going to a museum
Going to a concert
An aquarium
See a movie
Having a softball game
a BarBeQue to watch a baseball or football game
wine tasting
horse show
NASCAR races
boat shows
Card games night

It goes on forever – just think of things that both women & men like to do with their friends. If you planned 4 or 5 outings for a month, and then ask all surrounding parishes to put something in the bulletin… you could even make a facebook page for the group and take suggestions, etc.

I think it would take the pressure off, as it’s not a “date” – just a bunch of single Catholic adults getting together to do fun stuff. It would create opportunities for conversation - just natural conversation about whatever you are doing. Even if you didn’t meet a girl right away, I’ll bet you could make some new friends and broaden your social circle, and not feel so alone on the weekends…

What do you all think?

Hi, I wanted to say that I saw this post a few weeks back (or one similar to it) and I really want to tell you that I believe this is a good idea, I signed up just to post this one post to tell you that.

I had actually tried to get this started where I was, but I was turned down with the response “Just go to the teen group for the highschool kids”. I think this is something that needs to start up everywhere as in this day in age it’s very hard to find good catholic people, (Which is one of the reasons I was turned down, because there’s a lack of Young adults apparently).

Personally I think it’s a great idea, as I’m sure I am not the only Young Adult where I am that would be interested in something like this, I’ve seen groups for teens and older people, why not us middle people who are trying to find other like minded people?

I just wanted to post my thoughts and my thanks, I am going to constantly try to get something like that started here, and I thank you greatly for a wonderful idea.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Hi, I wanted to say that I saw this post a few weeks back (or one similar to it) and I really want to tell you that I believe this is a good idea, I signed up just to post this one post to tell you that.

I had actually tried to get this started where I was, but I was turned down with the response “Just go to the teen group for the highschool kids”. I think this is something that needs to start up everywhere as in this day in age it’s very hard to find good catholic people, (Which is one of the reasons I was turned down, because there’s a lack of Young adults apparently).

Personally I think it’s a great idea, as I’m sure I am not the only Young Adult where I am that would be interested in something like this, I’ve seen groups for teens and older people, why not us middle people who are trying to find other like minded people?

I just wanted to post my thoughts and my thanks, I am going to constantly try to get something like that started here, and I thank you greatly for a wonderful idea.

I’m glad you like the idea! As someone up-thread mentioned, there is a model for this already, called meetup.com, but I think using that model to meet other Catholics would work. I think the key would be to not limit it to one parish – there wouldn’t be enough people. But if you live in a fairly well populated area, with many parishes, it could work.

Goodness knows that people these days need help connecting. Back in the old days, there were so many more opportunities for fellowship, but now everyone works so hard, such long hours, and so many people feel isolated. And it’s so hard to meet new friends as an adult.

Let us know if you have any success with your group!

 

[chevalier]

Generally, my impression is not only that, as you say, people:

1. work long hours (it wasn’t the first thing you said, but…),

and also, as you mentioned,

1. have difficulties connecting (not only because of lack of time or opportunity, I’d say),

but also:

1. people have lots of poor experience with relationships, which additionally:
2. gives them an attitude making commitment undesirable and/or scary and/or difficult to them.

Thus, some concentrated, conscious initivative could indeed help, as opposed to leaving things on their own. I have reservations against singles events, however, which are:

1. they create an atmosphere focused on target, i.e. we’re here to find mates and we mean business, this is able to produce unnatural awkwardness and tension,
2. out of necessity, because no one will just pick a person from the crowd and forget all others in a minute, there’s a lot of choosing and picking etc. giving rise in a natural way to some non-exclusive scenarios and the words “non-exclusive” light my fire in the negative sense,

I suppose #1 could be worked out because, then, after all, some of us are fishing most of the time anyway (like yours truly) and at least we have excluded people not interested in a romantic relationship (those in a relationship already, those not looking forward to commitment etc.). This situation approached in an honest manner could prove a surprisingly graceful fabric for … eeerrr… more situations.

As far as #2 goes, well, there are few really unsolvable problems and this one probably isn’t one of those. Obviously, there just must be some system, even if–and probably better if–an informal one. Being exposed to a number of people and having opportunity to interact with many of them would create greater opportunities and would also keep the drama in check by preventing unwarranted focus on one potential target. On the other hand, something really would need to be done in order to prevent the competition, combat, stalking and breaking up/coming back dynamics. Jealousy and mental games are a great threat.

 

[SunnaB16]

Eventually, I realized the simple truth: some men are just unattractive due to physical defects, and unfortunately I was one of them. Nothing I could say or do would change that. It wasn’t a happy conclusion, but at least it was the truth.

I’m in my early 50s now, so any prospects for a relationship with an attractive, intelligent, personable woman are of course long gone.

One of thw worst physical defects for a fella is lack of elevation above mean ground level. If a lady is short, she might be called “petite” or “dainty”, but when one of us is hardly more than “five foot nuffing” (underweight, as well), we cop it: “weed”, " pygmy", “dwarf” etc etc etc. im talking about copping it from girls; not from my own side. Torment from your own gender doesnt matter so much, but when it comes from the other side, it goes deep. Its like a barbed arrow, When that sort of thing happens, it doesnt matter how much self-respect (that word “self-esteem” makes me sick) you have, you`ll end up losing it. By the time of leaving secondary school, all i wanted to do was to become invisible. The thought of dating would make you feel sick. So: at the age of 55 (got a few up on you, Ted!), here we are…

Janis Ian learned the truth “at seventeen”; so have a lot of others.:

If were different, were sure told it.
Lifes not always what we make it; its what others inflict on us.

End of Growl

 

[chevalier]

Just read about one of my childhood heroes.

 

[Musicadmirer]

How about Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” instead? Maybe cynicism has it’s benefits.
I won’t be walking around yelling “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”

I just had to mention that I sing this song frequently

Anyway, yes, the issue of low self- esteem is the root of many obstacles in life that doesn’t have to make them feel so insurmountable to you.

I believe by working on this, you will find a DECENT girl (emphasis mine, of course) that will appreciate your unique traits, because everyone has something special about them.

I am also a single young adult that hasn’t really had many men knocking on my door, but that’s most likely because I’m an open book, as in modest in external conduct and old school.

Anyone reading this that feels that has been or is a hindrance to their ability of finding a courting companion or just a date, read my virtual lips IT’S THEIR LOSS

Never lower your personal/moral standards to accommodate a man/woman’s moral shortcoming.

Be strong and be Catholic!

P.S- We are never actually alone, you have that guardian angel by your side at all times, so show some love and pray to God in thanksgiving for that.

 

[chevalier]

I am also a single young adult that hasn’t really had many men knocking on my door, but that’s most likely because I’m an open book, as in modest in external conduct and old school.

That’s a good trait! Especially that version of old-school which puts emphasis on kindness.

Anyone reading this that feels that has been or is a hindrance to their ability of finding a courting companion or just a date, read my virtual lips IT’S THEIR LOSS

Without false modesty… maybe.

Never lower your personal/moral standards to accommodate a man/woman’s moral shortcoming.

Oh well, we all have some. Those relating to sexual conduct or money/employment matters are easy to spot, just as they were in ancient Palestine (prostitutes and publicans), but there also those that afflict people who don’t consider themselves afflicted or don’t even appear so to others (Pharisees, the learnt in the Scripture). Those more base sins (relating to sex drive, violence, food, drink) aren’t necessarily worse than the more intellectual ones (all sorts of bad attitudes towards God or the neighbour, vanity, pride and others). This is why I would suggest some caution in crossing out people who might well be of a kind heart but simply having some problems in the “baser” areas. Just my two cents (and by no means impartial, more like a contrarian point for the sake of discussion).

P.S- We are never actually alone, you have that guardian angel by your side at all times, so show some love and pray to God in thanksgiving for that.