I hate being married

[acat]

I have been trying, really trying, to peacefully cohabitate with my husband, but I’m really having a hard time. This is kind of raw and deeply personal but I need to get it off my chest.

Quick backstory: He is a recovering alcoholic, staying sober (as far as I know - he used to only drink in secret though, so I never knew). We lived apart for about a year while he focused on recovery work and then he moved back in. Our relationship has been touch and go for the past couple years since then - I feel so betrayed and deceived and can’t seem to move past it, and I struggle with his inability to act like an adult and a coparent. I also have a chronic, terminal illness and our child has special needs, so life is complicated and stressful.

We currently live in the same house but separate bedrooms and have no romantic involvement. I love my life otherwise, but feel down, depressed, miserable, exhausted the minute he walks in the door every night. I try to be on friendly terms but even that feels so difficult. You can cut the tension in the house with a knife, and we are always stepping on each other’s toes.

Although we live together, he does only about 2% of the parenting, so I basically consider myself a single parent. He is extremely inconsistent and we do not communicate well. For example, tonight he came home 2 hours late, with no explanation… This is very typical, sometimes he’ll text me with what time he’s leaving, but he’s always off by at least an hour or two, which is stressful for me and upsetting to our child. He finally got home, ate, and said he had a headache and went straight to bed. Normally I just deal with it and silently seethe, but I couldn’t do it tonight, he had thrown off our son’s routine too much, I wasn’t feeling well, and I finally marched up to his room and demanded he get out of bed and follow through with his evening commitments to our child. I’m holed up in my room & actually shaking because I have never done something like that.

He is not a horrible person, but our relationship is horrible and the person I have become within this relationship is not someone I enjoy being. I try, but I’m tired and have no interest in spinning my wheels attempting to work on the relationship anymore. He does try in his own way, but his efforts haven’t ever led anywhere positive. I am really, really struggling with the unpredictability and unreliability and unaccountability. This is not the marriage I ever thought I’d have and I truly hate it. If it were not for the Catholic “ban” on divorce, we would’ve just stayed separated. I was a million times happier when we lived apart. Live felt calm and peaceful and manageable. I feel completely trapped and resentful of my own belief system for keeping me in this miserable marriage.

I’m am heartbroken and just plain broken. I can’t believe that God would rather have us stay married than live my remaining months/years alone, in happiness and peace. The misery of our marriage is not good for our child, either. I am angry with God and angry with myself and I just can’t do it anymore but I feel like I have no choice but to just suffer in silence and desperately, frantically try to hold up both sides of this broken family. I don’t know what to do.

 

[pensmama87]

Prayers for you.

I hope you are working toward a strong support system for you and for your children. You don’t mention counseling but that is probably a good idea for you, your child, and your husband if he will go. Is your pastor aware of your situation?

Also, there is no “ban” on divorce, although there’s a common misperception that there is. Divorce is sometimes the only realistic remedy to protect one self and one’s children. I don’t know if that’s the right thing here, though I’d suggest meeting with an attorney to make sure all necessary arrangements are in place for your child, especially if you have concerns about your husband’s ability to parent.

Again, please be assured of my prayers.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

These situations really benefit from counselling. A priest will also be able to listen to your story in full and advise you on the best path for your family. As far as I know, living separately for serious reasons is, while not encouraged unless deemed necessary, not forbidden either. Separation and divorce are not the same thing. But to me it sounds like a situation that could be helped greatly with counselling.

 

[dixieagle]

If it were not for the Catholic “ban” on divorce, we would’ve just stayed separated. I was a million times happier when we lived apart. Live felt calm and peaceful and manageable. I feel completely trapped and resentful of my own belief system for keeping me in this miserable marriage.

I’m am heartbroken and just plain broken. I can’t believe that God would rather have us stay married than live my remaining months/years alone, in happiness and peace. The misery of our marriage is not good for our child, either. I am angry with God and angry with myself and I just can’t do it anymore but I feel like I have no choice but to just suffer in silence and desperately, frantically try to hold up both sides of this broken family. I don’t know what to do.

First, what a lot you have on your plate. It would be extremely difficult for anyone to deal with this; your situation is complicated by your illness and your child’s needs. I’m so sorry.

Also… there is no Church “ban” on divorce. Catholics who obtain a divorce and attempt a remarriage without receiving a decree of nullity (annulment) are considered to be in an irregular marriage. However, in order to receive a decree of nullity one MUST first obtain a civil divorce.

As other folks have often posted, I would recommend a good Catholic marriage counselor. If your husband won’t go with you, then go yourself and get things off your chest and out in the open. A talk with your priest is likely a good idea, as well. Perhaps Al-Anon might be of help, too; they are often a lifeline for family members of alcoholics. Things may not be as bleak as they seem. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Exiled_Child]

These situations really benefit from counselling. A priest will also be able to listen to your story in full and advise you on the best path for your family. As far as I know, living separately for serious reasons is, while not encouraged unless deemed necessary, not forbidden either. Separation and divorce are not the same thing. But to me it sounds like a situation that could be helped greatly with counselling.

This sounds like very, very good advice to me.

 

[USMC_Convert]

I’d try “The Love Dare” if I were you. It’s a book and I know it sounds strange that I’m telling you to do it, when in reality it should be him, but from what you are describing I don’t think he will actually do it.

Anyway, it has proven to help many marriages, even when the non offending spouse does it. Maybe talk to him about it and see if he will do it with you. I’m not sure what the right answer is but I think it’s worth a shot.

It helped my marriage…but just to be clear, I was the offending spouse, my wife was/is great.

Also pray, pray and then pray…do you say your Rosary every night? Maybe ask the Blessed Mother for some help, she was a spouse as well, and she raised a child, she can help you. I also always say to do a novena to St. Joseph. He was a father and is the patron Saint of fathers, God entrusted him with His son, maybe ask him for a little help and ask him to work on your husband for the sake of your child…

Message me if you need any help doing these things, I’ve done them quite often, sometimes with people, without them aornfor them. I’m no expert, but I know where to point ya…

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I agree that counseling is the way to go.

Your husband is not the same man that you he was in the past because now he is sober. He is a new person to you in a way, a stranger. You may have resentment now that he has finally stopped, (for all he has put you through without it ever being discussed or apologized for) and for his part, he has a lot of things he needs to learn about being accountable to you and to your son.

It is unfortunate that things were as they were that caused you to demand he step it up tonight, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. You said you usually deal with it, but maybe you shouldn’t. Don’t enable him. Communicate what you expect from him calmly with regards to your son, and yes, to you too.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think with counseling, I think you have a chance at fixing things. And that would be a really good thing for your son.

 

[ClearWater]

Lots of good advice on this thread, so all I can add is a prayer. In the meantime, why not ask your husband if he will pray with you?

 

[RomanoAmerio]

Yes, I agree that counseling is the way to go.

Your husband is not the same man that you he was in the past because now he is sober. He is a new person to you in a way, a stranger. You may have resentment now that he has finally stopped, (for all he has put you through without it ever being discussed or apologized for) and for his part, he has a lot of things he needs to learn about being accountable to you and to your son.

It is unfortunate that things were as they were that caused you to demand he step it up tonight, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. You said you usually deal with it, but maybe you shouldn’t. Don’t enable him. Communicate what you expect from him calmly with regards to your son, and yes, to you too.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think with counseling, I think you have a chance at fixing things. And that would be a really good thing for your son.

This is excellent advice.

 

[Elena321]

Sorry for your very difficult situation Acat.
There is hope though

Apart from the marriage problems, is your husband committed to being a good father for his child?
IOW,do you think he would be willing to make the effort if he had the skills?

When is the last time you were able to show him affection or vice versa?

Objectively speaking- do you think he came late because he is trying to avoid home,or do think rather it is because
he simply has no consideration for you,or do you think it’s because he’s drinking again?

Bellow is a prayer for families by Pope Francis that I like.
By praying it,it might not get rid of the problems but it likely will “soften your anger” etc so that you can both communicate more constructively.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
in you we contemplate
the splendour of true love;
to you we turn with trust.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
grant that our families too
may be places of communion and prayer,
authentic schools of the Gospel
and small domestic churches.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
may families never again experience
violence, rejection and division;
may all who have been hurt or scandalized
find ready comfort and healing.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
make us once more mindful
of the sacredness and inviolability of the family,
and its beauty in God’s plan.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
Graciously hear our prayer.

Amen.

 

[illyxo]

My uncle who lives next door is an recovering alcoholic.
He has been sober for ages, but he still acts like an alcoholic in other ways.

I tend to believe that the mentality of an addict (e.g. irresponsible, inconsistent, explosive) continues long after they stop using.

You need to put yourself and your child first in this case. Build a support system, practice good self-care, get counselling…

If it gets too much, separation may be necessary. This could give your husband a wake up call. Unfortunately that is how many ex-addicts operate.

 

[egretps]

As ClearWater, I will also keep you in my prayers.

I’ve read through the thread, and I hadn’t seen it mentioned that your marriage may or may not be invalid. I have no idea. You can talk with your parish priest.

My thought and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Lost_Sheep]

Yes, I agree that counseling is the way to go.

Yes, but the problem is, will the OP be able to get her husband to go to counseling? One-sided counseling may help her but it is unlikely to solve the problem.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, but the problem is, will the OP be able to get her husband to go to counseling? One-sided counseling may help her but it is unlikely to solve the problem.

That is true, but it wouldn’t hurt her to go even if he doesn’t. You can’t change other people you can only change yourself. Counseling can show what part she plays in the problem, if any, or how to best handle things in order to engage with her husband in a positive manner. Even if she has gone in the past, things are different now and that should be expressed and considered.

 

[pensmama87]

That is true, but it wouldn’t hurt her to go even if he doesn’t. You can’t change other people you can only change yourself. Counseling can show what part she plays in the problem, if any, or how to best handle things in order to engage with her husband in a positive manner. Even if she has gone in the past, things are different now and that should be expressed and considered.

 

[wild_thing]

I’m sorry you are going through this, acat. :hug1:

From your post, it sounds like you are trying to soldier through this alone and silently. Everyone needs a support system. Friends, family, your parish priest, a counselor, and al- anon are all good resources to find the guidance, help and support you so desperately need right now. Also, from your description of how you told your husband last night what you needed from him in regards to your son suggests that you are not in the habit of communicating such things to him. I think that any counselor or therapist is going to suggest first off that this is crucial in any marriage. Constantly fuming silently over the misdeeds of your husband will definitely impact your health, your marriage and your son. Children are so affected by the atmosphere of a household and a child with special needs will often be even more sensitive to it. For this reason, seeking help for your marriage as others have suggested will help give you the tools to figure out whether or not this marriage is salvageable.

Lastly, I urge you to pray, pray, pray to God to help you discern what His will is for your marriage. St. Monica and St. Rita are both excellent saints to ask for intercession in this area. With a firm foundation of prayer, of support from the community, and with gentle and firm communication with your husband, you can navigate through this situation, no matter how bleak it may seem to you now. You are not trapped. You are not helpless. You are not a victim to the ups and downs of other people’'s moods. You are a child of God. You are a strong woman. You got this. Formulate a plan and go do it!

 

[macstar]

The unreliability may be due to depression or adult ADD on his part; a doctor may be able to help with this.

Retrouvaille is weekend that helps restore communication for marriages on the brink of divorce, and has even helped couples who have already divorced. You can look it up online or your church may have info about it in your area.

Since your child has special needs, free respite care may be available to give you a break and the two of you some time for a weekend away. A social worker can put you in touch with an agency that does this.

Both you and he try, but it seems the mode of communication is different for both the sender and receiver. A book called The Five Love Languages may be able to shed some light and build new strategies.

Pray and make use of the sacraments as often as possible- Mass and Reconciliation. Know that you have many people praying for you and your family!

 

[MtnDwellar]

Have you tried ALANON? Although most of the members have active alcoholics in their lives, it can still help.

 

[surritter]

I hate to say this, but while your overall situation does sound daunting, coming home an hour or two late from work and then going to bed isn’t a horrendous thing for a husband to pull on his family.
I’m certainly not making excuses for him! I don’t know what his job entails, but I wonder if it might help your end goal to just let that kind of thing go. Even a word of sympathy for his headache and fatigue might somehow stir his heart toward love.

I fully expect to be excoriated for this suggestion, but I’m wondering if the honey-rather-than-vinegar approach would be better. Above that, certainly prayer is the first piece of advice.

I’ll be praying for you and your family! God bless…

 

[ChurchSoldier]

I have been trying, really trying, to peacefully cohabitate with my husband, but I’m really having a hard time. This is kind of raw and deeply personal but I need to get it off my chest.

Quick backstory: He is a recovering alcoholic, staying sober (as far as I know - he used to only drink in secret though, so I never knew). We lived apart for about a year while he focused on recovery work and then he moved back in. Our relationship has been touch and go for the past couple years since then - I feel so betrayed and deceived and can’t seem to move past it, and I struggle with his inability to act like an adult and a coparent. I also have a chronic, terminal illness and our child has special needs, so life is complicated and stressful.

We currently live in the same house but separate bedrooms and have no romantic involvement. I love my life otherwise, but feel down, depressed, miserable, exhausted the minute he walks in the door every night. I try to be on friendly terms but even that feels so difficult. You can cut the tension in the house with a knife, and we are always stepping on each other’s toes.

Although we live together, he does only about 2% of the parenting, so I basically consider myself a single parent. He is extremely inconsistent and we do not communicate well. For example, tonight he came home 2 hours late, with no explanation… This is very typical, sometimes he’ll text me with what time he’s leaving, but he’s always off by at least an hour or two, which is stressful for me and upsetting to our child. He finally got home, ate, and said he had a headache and went straight to bed. Normally I just deal with it and silently seethe, but I couldn’t do it tonight, he had thrown off our son’s routine too much, I wasn’t feeling well, and I finally marched up to his room and demanded he get out of bed and follow through with his evening commitments to our child. I’m holed up in my room & actually shaking because I have never done something like that.

He is not a horrible person, but our relationship is horrible and the person I have become within this relationship is not someone I enjoy being. I try, but I’m tired and have no interest in spinning my wheels attempting to work on the relationship anymore. He does try in his own way, but his efforts haven’t ever led anywhere positive. I am really, really struggling with the unpredictability and unreliability and unaccountability. This is not the marriage I ever thought I’d have and I truly hate it. If it were not for the Catholic “ban” on divorce, we would’ve just stayed separated. I was a million times happier when we lived apart. Live felt calm and peaceful and manageable. I feel completely trapped and resentful of my own belief system for keeping me in this miserable marriage.

I’m am heartbroken and just plain broken. I can’t believe that God would rather have us stay married than live my remaining months/years alone, in happiness and peace. The misery of our marriage is not good for our child, either. I am angry with God and angry with myself and I just can’t do it anymore but I feel like I have no choice but to just suffer in silence and desperately, frantically try to hold up both sides of this broken family. I don’t know what to do.

You work on you, let him work on him. It’s probably not a bed of roses for him either. One thing that happens as a person in a relationship gets sober is that the whole dynamic of the relationship changes. He is quite literally “not the man you married” and a large part of that is his changing through recovery.

As well, the drinking version of the husband is the one you were attracted to (even if he had not begun drinking yet, the characteristics were there) and invited into your life. As he changes, this will bring up more discomfort for you until a breaking point is reached, which it seems to have done. Generally speaking people change or leave.

It is actually not too dissimilar to his 4th step if he has gotten there yet. It is a turning point in recovery where people internally decide to move forward or they leave recovery and go back to their old life.

You will need to look at yourself and the things that need to be changed, and that’s not easy. If you chose not to and wind up leaving, down the road you will pick the same kind of man and find yourself in the same situation. As hard as it seems, this is the best chance and easiest road you have for a peaceful and fulfilling life heading forward.

If you haven’t tried it, you may want to look into www.adultchildren.org .

Good luck, and you will all be in my prayers.