I hate being married

[Runner80]

I’d try “The Love Dare” if I were you. It’s a book and I know it sounds strange that I’m telling you to do it, when in reality it should be him, but from what you are describing I don’t think he will actually do it.

Anyway, it has proven to help many marriages, even when the non offending spouse does it. Maybe talk to him about it and see if he will do it with you. I’m not sure what the right answer is but I think it’s worth a shot.

I agree with The Love Dare book. Even if he doesn’t do it with you, it will likely be helpful for you.

Acat, I’m sorry you are facing this. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I am going through a similar situation with my wife. I sometimes feel like I’m the only adult in the house and I’m living with a teenager instead being married to a woman. It’s frustrating and very hurtful at times.

Here are some things that have helped me that I recommend:

1. 
   *]Attend church and adoration.
   *]Pray - set aside time to pray. Pray the rosary. It has a way of calming me down and bringing me peace. Even non-formal prayer is good. Humble yourself before God.
   *]Cry - Crying can be a form of prayer. Just let it all out. You’ll feel better by relieving the stress.
   *]Exercise - I’m a runner, so nothing clears my mind and releases the endorphins like a good run. Any exercise is good though. Go for regular walks around the neighborhood or at a nature trail. Join a gym. It can be good to be around other people.
   *]Find time for yourself and your child. I know it’s hard, but your life can’t revolve around your problems. Your husband’s behavior can’t be your only focus. Don’t give it that much power over you. I know I let my wife’s behavior rule my world. Go to a museum, a movie, to the mall, an art show, spend time with friends.
   *]Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what’s going on. Preferably someone who is a person of faith. Not someone who you are going to gossip or bad mouth your husband to. I know, it would be easy to do. I opened up to a good friend of mine who is a non-Catholic Christian. He gave me some insight and we prayed together. We happened to be on the sidewalk of a busy street by his work. We got a lot of weird looks from passers by when he held my shoulder and we bowed our heads to pray, but I didn’t care. It felt like a huge weight being lifted from me.
   *]This is a big one for me. Read the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud. You said you were holed up and shaking because you had never talked to your husband like that before. I know exactly how that feels. I’ve been there before. But the truth is you should be able to stand your ground in a calm, assertive way without feeling like you did something wrong. You are a good, worthy person and you deserve to be able to express what your needs are. This book changed my life. I highly recommend listening to the audiobook. I got it free on the Hoopla app from my library. It is read by the author and he delivers the book in such a calm but empowering way.
   *]Counseling - I have not personally attended counseling and my wife says she doesn’t want to, but I suspect it would be helpful even if I went alone.
   
   I wish you and your family all the best and I will pray for you!

 

[Runner80]

Forgot one.

Forgive - This is a big one and probably the most difficult. Work on forgiveness. With the help of Jesus, I have forgiven my wife for all of the things she has done to me. This helped me to let go of the weight of the resentment I had for my wife. It helped me see her for who she really is - a hurting and broken person. That way I can focus on healing for her and our marriage. Remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Forgiveness only takes one person and it takes place in your heart. The person who hurt you never has to know that you have forgiven them.

 

[DarkNight]

Dear Acat, From my personal experience the best advice is to “work on you” as Church Soldier has pointed out. When my husband asked me for a divorce, I took the approach of questioning what I had done wrong in the relationship. Not that I was blaming myself however everyone else wanted to blame him. I wanted to know if I had some part in it. If I did then what were the things I did wrong and how could I correct them.

Through my divorce I discovered a much deeper, more personal understanding of God’s love. I explored various Catholic views including Thomas Merton, Jon Duns Scotus, Franciscan theology, Fr Richard Rohr … the list goes on. I began to live “in the moment”, doing all for God, following Brother Lawrence’s “Practice of the Presence of God”

Today I am at peace with myself, I lead a happy and fulfilling life and my husband and I remain dear friends including his new wife.

Work on yourself, you are the only person you know and can change.
Live this moment, it is the only one you have.

Most of all, Trust in God.
Especially when the going gets rough.
He will hold on to you when you have no strength left to hold on to Him.

You are in my prayers.

“Go with Love, Go with God”

 

[Marie80]

You have received some excellent advice. I’ll add that you might want to pray the Novena of St. Joseph which starts today. (His feast day was moved from the 19th to the 20th for this year.) praymorenovenas.com/st-joseph-novena/

Today’s prayer intention is for all husbands – that they may be great leaders and faithful protectors of their families as St. Joseph was for his.

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Xantippe]

Prayers for you.

I hope you are working toward a strong support system for you and for your children. You don’t mention counseling but that is probably a good idea for you, your child, and your husband if he will go. Is your pastor aware of your situation?

Also, there is no “ban” on divorce, although there’s a common misperception that there is. Divorce is sometimes the only realistic remedy to protect one self and one’s children. I don’t know if that’s the right thing here, though I’d suggest meeting with an attorney to make sure all necessary arrangements are in place for your child, especially if you have concerns about your husband’s ability to parent.

Again, please be assured of my prayers.

Yes–if you die, what happens to your child if your husband is completely unreliable and only a 2% parent?

 

[Xantippe]

I hate to say this, but while your overall situation does sound daunting, coming home an hour or two late from work and then going to bed isn’t a horrendous thing for a husband to pull on his family.
I’m certainly not making excuses for him! I don’t know what his job entails, but I wonder if it might help your end goal to just let that kind of thing go. Even a word of sympathy for his headache and fatigue might somehow stir his heart toward love.

I fully expect to be excoriated for this suggestion, but I’m wondering if the honey-rather-than-vinegar approach would be better. Above that, certainly prayer is the first piece of advice.

I’ll be praying for you and your family! God bless…

Yes, it actually is.

Imagine if it were a working mom disappearing for an unexplained hour or two–doesn’t that sound weird? To me, it sounds like either he is using or he’s having an affair. If he’s not, he’s still being really selfish and careless of his family’s feelings.

Spouses owe each other the courtesy of being clear on when they are going to be home.

 

[acat]

Thank you all for your insights, advice, and especially your prayers. I am making a list of the book recommendations and will look into them. To answer some of the questions:

Yes, I have been in counseling as well as Al-Anon. I also have good emotional support. These things have helped me come to a place where I can be happy and more grounded, but they don’t really help with the day-to-day realities of living with someone this dysfunctional.

I feel that I have tried hard to forgive, I’ve worked hard at being kind and compassionate, and I even feel we could be friendly if we weren’t constantly in each other’s space. I struggle to have any kind of romantic relationship, as I do not think of him that way. Trust has been too badly broken and he also confessed a dark secret to me that he should have kept private - it completely disgusts me and changed the way I view him forever - as much as I try to forget it, it comes to mind sometimes and makes it hard to even try to be close to him.

He does seem open to the idea of marriage counseling now (he has not been willing in the past) but I’m not sure if there will be follow-through. Someone asked if he’s committed to being a good father, and yes, I think he is, he has few parenting skills but has come a long way and wants to continue to improve. His efforts often fall flat, but at least there is some effort sometimes.

One thing I struggle with is standing up for myself and my son, without coming across as constantly critical. I am failing in that realm - I mean well, I think I’m trying to improve our family, but it all comes off as criticism. But when I don’t say anything, it eats away at me and further damages our relationship. I can’t win.

As far as why coming home late with no explanation was a big deal (and no, it’s not huge in the grand scheme of things, just one symptom of larger issues) - aside from the fact that my son was upset and acting out because dad promised to do something with him, and the fact that I was not feeling well and could’ve used a hand, and that I have to wonder if he’s drinking or cheating… the main thing is that I have explained numerous times how it makes me feel, and my feelings are being disregarded.

I’m sure he is avoiding coming home. I also feel that he has redirected his alcoholic tendencies into becoming a workaholic, and it’s damaging in some of the same ways that alcohol was.

Yes, he does have ADHD as well as anxiety and depression and takes medication for all of these, which seems to have helped quite a bit. He often just “checks out” though.

I’ll be honest, I’m not feeling particularly charitable toward him and finding it hard to muster the strength to be positive and constructive and patient.

I do need to pray more. I am finding it so difficult right now. I am feeling like God no longer cares. I know He answers prayers in His own time & in His own way. And yet I feel forgotten and lost and angry because I keep getting knocked down by one HUGE thing after another. I have undergone so many horrible things far beyond this particular issue and at some point I have to start to wonder whether God is really listening and if I’m not really hearing Him. Somehow I feel, despite all the other challenges I’ve faced and continue to face, my relationship with God and that with my husband are inexplicably entwined and when either is suffering, the other one suffers as well.

 

[ynotzap]

Acat:
Criticizing never really helps unless it is constructive criticism with love. We can communicate love or hatred by our feelings, we telegraph them in our speech. Your husband suffers from depression and anxiety and medication can only pacify not cure the problem. The mind retains deep painful experiences and relives them. What is your husband’s family background and experience? It is a fact that he can not give what he doesn’t have. Does he have faith in God, Jesus Christ? You mentioned that your love is intertwined with God and your husband. Does God take first priority over your husband, or does your relationship with your husband affect your relationship with God. It seems so to me. Your husband can become a false god if it does. Your real love for God guarantees your love for your husband. Do we love God for Himself? If our spouse causes us to question Gods love for us, then this situation needs some deep soul searching. Jesus instituted the sacrament of marriage as a way to be united with Him, now and eternally. There is a spiritual message in your situation that rises above what you are experiencing. You also have an old enemy who seeks to destroy your marriage. We are not fighting “flesh and blood, but powers and principalities” and Jesus came to redeem us from this evil. If the Spirit of God moves in, the spirit of evil moves out. We must ask Him to give us His Spirit of love and peace, He died for us so that we can have it Be assured that God loves all of your family and seeks to give you His Spirit.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Yes, it actually is.

Imagine if it were a working mom disappearing for an unexplained hour or two–doesn’t that sound weird? To me, it sounds like either he is using or he’s having an affair. If he’s not, he’s still being really selfish and careless of his family’s feelings.

Spouses owe each other the courtesy of being clear on when they are going to be home.

It’s rude perhaps or inconsiderate but I think maybe a habit from before having kids? I know I don’t tell my husband when I’ll be home and he doesn’t tell me, unless he expects me home and I’m going to be at work for 4+ extra hours. We don’t have kids so it’s fine now. When we do we’d have to be clear, but I can see how a recovering alcoholic might be oblivious or apathetic to common politeness. Not making excuses, but I think assuming an affair is jumping the gun.

 

[acat]

Acat:
Criticizing never really helps unless it is constructive criticism with love. We can communicate love or hatred by our feelings, we telegraph them in our speech. Your husband suffers from depression and anxiety and medication can only pacify not cure the problem. The mind retains deep painful experiences and relives them. What is your husband’s family background and experience? It is a fact that he can not give what he doesn’t have. Does he have faith in God, Jesus Christ? You mentioned that your love is intertwined with God and your husband. Does God take first priority over your husband, or does your relationship with your husband affect your relationship with God. It seems so to me. Your husband can become a false god if it does. Your real love for God guarantees your love for your husband. Do we love God for Himself? If our spouse causes us to question Gods love for us, then this situation needs some deep soul searching. Jesus instituted the sacrament of marriage as a way to be united with Him, now and eternally. There is a spiritual message in your situation that rises above what you are experiencing. You also have an old enemy who seeks to destroy your marriage. We are not fighting “flesh and blood, but powers and principalities” and Jesus came to redeem us from this evil. If the Spirit of God moves in, the spirit of evil moves out. We must ask Him to give us His Spirit of love and peace, He died for us so that we can have it Be assured that God loves all of your family and seeks to give you His Spirit.

Thank you for this, it is very helpful. No, I don’t think my husband is a “false god” to me, but I do feel anger with God because I feel he has taken my spouse away. My husband used to be my one safe person in the world, after many years of abuse etc. at the hands of others. He used to be the one and only human I truly trusted, and he majorly broke that trust. I have undergone so much suffering in my life, so much physical illness, emotional turmoil, financial straits, family dysfunction, abuse, I’ve had someone try to kill me, I’ve spent years in and out of hospitals, I received a terminal diagnosis, I have a child with multiple challenges, and yet for some reason, losing my husband to alcoholism felt like the last straw, the one hardship I’ve had trouble accepting and trusting in God’s plan. My husband does have faith in God, although it has always been a bit shaky. I think, however, that perhaps we have not used our marriage to bring each other closer to God. This was never modeled for either of us and it’s hard to figure out on our own.

It’s rude perhaps or inconsiderate but I think maybe a habit from before having kids? I know I don’t tell my husband when I’ll be home and he doesn’t tell me, unless he expects me home and I’m going to be at work for 4+ extra hours. We don’t have kids so it’s fine now. When we do we’d have to be clear, but I can see how a recovering alcoholic might be oblivious or apathetic to common politeness. Not making excuses, but I think assuming an affair is jumping the gun.

In this situation, I DO expect him home, as he has said he will be home at 6pm (or whatever time) and has responsibilities to fulfill at home. This has been a given throughout our marriage, that we communicate with each other regarding when we’ll be home (and certainly “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer sometimes!) but somehow it has fallen to the wayside over the past year or two, despite my reiterating how important it is to me to communicate about this. Certainly a half hour late isn’t a huge deal, but 2 hours is a big gap when he can’t account for it. It is problematic for someone who claims to be working on “rebuilding trust” after a major betrayal, to put themselves in situations where the other spouse is confused, worried, or concerned about their whereabouts. I don’t think it has anything to do with having kids or not, but rather just the expectations we have (actually written down) about this.

Hopeful update: He did agree to see a marriage counselor with me and we have an appointment next week with someone who comes highly recommended. Continued prayers are much appreciated.

 

[egretps]

Earlier you wrote:

He is a recovering alcoholic, staying sober (as far as I know - he used to only drink in secret though, so I never knew)

I had a friend in college that I knew for a few years. I didn’t know he had a problem until he told me he needed to go into the hospital. We even dated for a couple of months and I had no clue at all. I was questioning my judgement for a long time. What I learned from this is that many people have tremendous shame for their using and will hide it from even the people they are closest.

I do feel anger with God because I feel he has taken my spouse away.

I don’t think God has taken your husband away, but I do think your husband is struggling with a disease that wants him totally. He’s surrounded with a lot of very sick people who are also trying to become well at the meetings he needs to attend.

I have undergone so much suffering in my life, so much physical illness, emotional turmoil, financial straits, family dysfunction, abuse, I’ve had someone try to kill me, I’ve spent years in and out of hospitals, I received a terminal diagnosis, I have a child with multiple challenges, and yet for some reason, losing my husband to alcoholism felt like the last straw, the one hardship I’ve had trouble accepting and trusting in God’s plan.

I am so sorry you have experienced this. More than one lifetime of hurt, and I wish you could be consoled. I don’t think the ‘alcoholism’ is part of God’s plan at all, but He can bring Good out of it. Some people who have never had this struggle in their life, also never get to the level of gratitude a recovered person might experience.

In this situation, I DO expect him home, as he has said he will be home at 6pm (or whatever time) and has responsibilities to fulfill at home. This has been a given throughout our marriage, that we communicate with each other regarding when we’ll be home (and certainly “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer sometimes!) …

I’m not making light of this, but my husband does this, and I’m almost certain he does not have a drug/alcohol problem. He would never tolerate it from me. It’s a bone of contention more than once at our house. Being parents, no matter if you have a special needs child or not, I think you do have a reason to be concerned. You both need to be accessible and present more than not.

Hopeful update: He did agree to see a marriage counselor with me and we have an appointment next week with someone who comes highly recommended. Continued prayers are much appreciated.

This is a GREAT update. About 10 years ago we were not doing well. Lucky us we got a marriage counselor that each of us thought was siding with the other. Turns out she was siding with Us! We found her on the recommendation of one of our Parish Priests. I think that is key.

I don’t want to criticize A.A., Years ago I attended AlAnon meetings and learned A LOT. Boundaries mostly. But ‘The Orange’ papers blog might be another option for you to read about alcoholism and optional treatments. I know you have a BIG reading list, but I thought you might appreciate it. Chastity in San Francisco, chastitysf.com/ , is another really great source for all sorts of psychological and spiritual issues.

You and your family are in my prayers. I think you might enjoy Heroes and Homemakers of Heaven catholiccompany.com/getfed/patron-saints-of-marriage/ I’ll ask St. Rita, St. Joseph and the rest to hold your family close.

 

[john1513]

www.ThatManIsYou.org (for men)

www.TheChoiceWine.org (for couples)

Both are fantastic.