I hate my younger sister because she treats my mom like trash. Is that bad?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Aquilina16
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Aquilina16

Guest
She has no respect for my mom at all. My mom works so hard to make the two of us happy, especially her, but she’s too spoiled and bratty to see it. Every time I see her treat my mom like trash, my blood boils and I get so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? When I build up enough courage to tell my sister to cut it out, she never listens and it just leaves me feeling more frustrated. She always likes to rub the fact that my father left us in her face by talking about him around her, calling her immature for not wanting to speak to him, and getting him to buy her stuff that my mom can’t afford. She’s nothing but a huge bully to everyone around her and treats everyone like trash, but something about her doing it to my mom makes me furious. My mom said that I shouldn’t hate her for her sake, but I do. If I can hate my dad then why can’t I hate my sister who is almost as horrible, if not worse, as him? She’s 15 and I’m almost 17. I just hate her so much. Is this wrong?
 
Yes it is wrong to hate your sister. Its common for mother and daughter relationships become challenging during adolescence. But, your sister’s adolescent angst may have become exponentially more challenging being how her father has left her and your family. So what can you do? You cant discipline your sister, that is the job of her parents. But you can recommend possible counseling for both you and your sister. Its wrong of you to feel hatred for your father and sister, a counselor will help you work with your anger and frustration, and a counselor will also help her work through her anger and frustration that she is also dealing with regarding your family situation
 
Millie123 said:
Yes it is wrong to hate your sister. Its common for mother and daughter relationships become challenging during adolescence. But, your sister’s adolescent angst may have become exponentially more challenging being how her father has left her and your family. So what can you do? You cant discipline your sister, that is the job of her parents. But you can recommend possible counseling for both you and your sister. Its wrong of you to feel hatred for your father and sister, a counselor will help you work with your anger and frustration, and a counselor will also help her work through her anger and frustration that she is also dealing with regarding your family situation
Click to expand...
This is such good advice. Perhaps you could even speak with a priest. There is always hope for healing of and better relationships for those who seek for it. Please do consider finding some counseling and you will be in my prayers.

God bless.
 
Try to pray for your sister and see the brokenness that has lead to her behaviour. Have pity for her and patience. We hurt God much more and He loves us 🙂 I know it can be hard. Pray for her and for your father and that often really helps.

As Our Lord was crucified He prayed for those who were killing Him, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. We are His children, we need to let Him transform us to love like Him. Trust in His grace, and let Him, cooperate with Him. Many graces can come to your family through this. God bless you
 
You need to learn to take her with a grain of salt. When someone is rude to someone else, particularly their mother, it is a reflection not on their mother, but on them. It is one thing to decide you have a mother you can’t trust and to refuse to put her into a position of trust. That happens, and it can be not only appropriate but practically a necessity. It is quite another thing to have the opportunity to show your mother a modicum of respect simply because she is your mother and to fail to do so.

Anger comes when someone violates our expectations, but there comes a time to let go of anger and to accept the situation is not what we would hope it would have been. I suspect that what you describe as hatred of your sister is bottled up anger at seeing disrespect shown to your mother and doing nothing about it. I think you will be less angry if you expect she has this bad habit and to have a plan for how you are going to respond (not react) to this violation of* your* boundaries.

You have the right to impose consequences on your sister on your own behalf. My brothers, for instance, made it very clear to my youngest brother that they would not be taking him anywhere if he embarrassed them or failed to follow their directions when they had him out. They didn’t let their blood pressure go up about it; there were just things they wouldn’t tolerate, and they were clear about what their expectations were. They drew their lines in a reasonable place and imposed reasonable and proportionate consequences for violating them.

Your mom’s boundaries are hers to enforce. It is not for you to attempt to enforce her boundaries for her. What kind of treatment you will tolerate having to watch other people give to your mother, however, is your boundary to keep. You can say, “Sis, you are my sister and I love you, even on the days when I don’t like you, but I will not sit and listen to anyone talk to *my *mother the way you just did. No one ought to be disrespected like that, but she is my mom and I won’t sit still while you treat her like that.”

Notice you are not saying, “Sis, you ought to show her some gratitude, after all she does for you.” That is your mother’s boundary to enforce. You are not saying, “You little brat, I hate you.” That is a judgement of the disposition of a heart and a lack of mercy towards a soul for whom Christ died, which you are commanded not to do, and failure to love others, even enemies. You are saying, “Sis, no one, not even you, is going to treat my mother like that and then turn around and expect me to act as if nothing happened. I will do something about it, and if I cannot do anything about it, I’m going to leave.”

Do plan what you are going to do and be sure to choose consequences that are rightly yours to enforce. Do not choose the worst thing you can possibly do, because that leaves you with nothing else to do if she ups the ante. Instead, choose measured and proportional consequences that you do have the power to impose. It may be something as simple as saying, “What you are saying is both untrue and disrespectful, and I don’t want to hear you talking about Mom like that in front of me.” Always leave yourself something else you can do, whenever possible. Always be more ready to accept a change of heart than to cling to a desire to punish. Keep your eye on the ball: That is, to insist that others around you show your mother respect. That is what you are after.
 
Aquilina16 said:
She has no respect for my mom at all. My mom works so hard to make the two of us happy, especially her, but she’s too spoiled and bratty to see it. Every time I see her treat my mom like trash, my blood boils and I get so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? When I build up enough courage to tell my sister to cut it out, she never listens and it just leaves me feeling more frustrated. She always likes to rub the fact that my father left us in her face by talking about him around her, calling her immature for not wanting to speak to him, and getting him to buy her stuff that my mom can’t afford. She’s nothing but a huge bully to everyone around her and treats everyone like trash, but something about her doing it to my mom makes me furious. My mom said that I shouldn’t hate her for her sake, but I do. If I can hate my dad then why can’t I hate my sister who is almost as horrible, if not worse, as him? She’s 15 and I’m almost 17. I just hate her so much. Is this wrong?
Click to expand...
Jesus said in the bible:
“you have heard it said, do not kill. Yet I say to you, the person who hates their sister or brother, is liable for the judgement of hell fire.”

Hate is a mortal sin under the three conditions of mortal sin.

Jesus showed us also, that if we do not forgive, we are not forgiven, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive.”

“the measure you give will be the measure you get.”

“judge not , lest the same judgement be measured back upon you.”

It’s okay to not like your sisters actions, it’s okay to not like her attitude, but it’s God’s decision how great or small a sin it is,
Your job is to forgive and pray for her and pray for your mum.

“forgive your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
 
It appears that your mother does not hate your sister. Your mother is well aware of what your sister is doing, and yet she loves her. Why is that? Perhaps she also sees the good in your sister, and the potential for good. She is patient and hopeful that the good will win out in the end. With God’s grace and your cooperation it surely will.

Sorry to be so brief, but it’s way past my bedtime and I see that other members have posted great advice from a variety of perspectives, so I don’t have to say it all.
 
I reread the op and you state that your mom works extremely hard to make you both happy-“especially her”. (Meaning your sister).

It sounds like a bit of sibling rivalry here that is adding to your feelings of anger. So perhaps it’s not your sister that you hate, it is the perceived unfair treatment.

The person you should discuss this with is your mother if this is the case. And then take it from there.
 
no one can offer professional advice in these forums. Perhaps what you read here can give you moral and spiritual support.

My suggestion from a spiritual standpoint is to stand back from your sister’s acting out, and live your own moral life. Make a decision to follow Jesus and follow His rules for living. This does not mean that anyone around you will change, but you shouldn’t want to do or say anything that you will regret. As hard as it may be, let things pass.

Pray. Pray for your daily spiritual and materials needs and give thanks for all you have. Choose to be happy because you have Jesus as your personal friend and Savior. Help your mother and show her the respect she deserves and help her as you are able. Set some goals and objectives such as these. Nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them, so take control of your feelings and protect yourself. You are a child of God.
 
Aquilina16 said:
She has no respect for my mom at all. My mom works so hard to make the two of us happy, especially her, but she’s too spoiled and bratty to see it. Every time I see her treat my mom like trash, my blood boils and I get so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? When I build up enough courage to tell my sister to cut it out, she never listens and it just leaves me feeling more frustrated. She always likes to rub the fact that my father left us in her face by talking about him around her, calling her immature for not wanting to speak to him, and getting him to buy her stuff that my mom can’t afford. She’s nothing but a huge bully to everyone around her and treats everyone like trash, but something about her doing it to my mom makes me furious. My mom said that I shouldn’t hate her for her sake, but I do. If I can hate my dad then why can’t I hate my sister who is almost as horrible, if not worse, as him? She’s 15 and I’m almost 17. I just hate her so much. Is this wrong?
Click to expand...
Yes it’s a sin, forgive her for anything wrong.

St. John Bosco he said that when dealing with the young[er] person, love is the only key that opens the door.

Don’t hate anyone, God bless and pray for us
 
I wouldn’t like to make any assumptions… But does your sister blame your mom for your father leaving?

It’s my understanding that siding with one parent leads to blaming the other… Usually there is ‘blame’ for both parties in not keeping a relationship together, but quite often it’s one or the other’s ‘fault’ is the sense of, one chose to leave when it wasn’t necessary (I have seen this among my aunts and uncles) but I get the sense that she is siding with the father?

Given human nature, I’d imagine he says something along the lines of ‘if she had only… I may have stayed’ because nobody wants to admit they were in the wrong…

I know when my aunt and her husband divorced, it was because he started an affair, but there was room to accuse my aunt of not being satisfactory… I don’t believe any of my cousins sided with the father because my aunt was a good wife in her capacity; however, in a more complicated situation, I could see him making such excuses…

All in all, I’m very sorry to hear of this situation. I have a little sis, three years younger, and we fought a lot as children… Rivalry, favoritism, etc. I was and still am responsible for everything that happens to her while I’m around, simply because I’m the oldest, but I also was never given any authority to control her behavior when she was out alone with me. And by this, I mean my father never told her to stay with me or follow me in a way that would back me up - he assumed everything was my fault and that I must be in the wrong.

She and I eventually came to a private understanding, a truce of sorts, when we got older. Now we get along pretty well.

It’s not wrong for you to be angry or displeased with your sister, but don’t waste your energy in hate. It only hurts you, and could even burn the bridge you’ll need later for a reconciliation.
A quiet, honest, heart-to-heart may come about at some point. It took me awhile to realize that my sister bent far more easily to pleading than to threats. Your sister is probably hurting inside as much as you; she’s just hiding it differently. 😦
 
Aquilina16 said:
She has no respect for my mom at all. My mom works so hard to make the two of us happy, especially her, but she’s too spoiled and bratty to see it. Every time I see her treat my mom like trash, my blood boils and I get so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? When I build up enough courage to tell my sister to cut it out, she never listens and it just leaves me feeling more frustrated. She always likes to rub the fact that my father left us in her face by talking about him around her, calling her immature for not wanting to speak to him, and getting him to buy her stuff that my mom can’t afford. She’s nothing but a huge bully to everyone around her and treats everyone like trash, but something about her doing it to my mom makes me furious. My mom said that I shouldn’t hate her for her sake, but I do. If I can hate my dad then why can’t I hate my sister who is almost as horrible, if not worse, as him? She’s 15 and I’m almost 17. I just hate her so much. Is this wrong?
Click to expand...
First- she’s 15. Fifteen years of experience on this planet. Perhaps your mother doesn’t put a lot of weight on the opinion of a 15 year old? I don’t. Particularly a 15 year old who has no real clue about relationships and specifically her parents relationship. No one but the two involved ever have the complete picture. Almost all kids/teens are a bit spoiled and selfish because they really have no clue about what it takes to provide for them. I was, my nephews are, my kids are. My eldest texted me recently to apologize about some minor things from her childhood because now that she’s older she has a different perspective.

Your sister is also manipulative and knows how to push buttons and she likes to spin people up. Sit down and assess yourself, as others said you can only control yourself, and honestly consider what ‘hot buttons’ you have. Desensitize yourself to them- your reaction to your sister is her reward/motive. Don’t react in the way she desires. Ignoring folks who want drama and refusing to participate disarms them. Pity her, how sad and miserable she must be to have to lash out, to seek some kind of joy and satisfaction in other people’s pain. Pray for her.

You can certainly hate/deplore her behavior. You obviously can not respect people behaving in a way that isn’t respectable. But, you should hope and pray for her emotional and spiritual growth, for her to see the error of her ways.

My wife walked out of our 21 year marriage. I hate the fact she did that, I hate what it has done to the kids (they live/lived with me), but seriously, I don’t hate her. I pray for her, she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t figure out how to ‘make’ her happy and wanted her to stay. How could I honestly tell you she was horrible and I hate her if I wanted her to stay? Is that in some way what you feel about your Dad? If you want him there, if you would prefer he hadn’t done what he did so you could still be together than I don’t think you truly hate him, you hate his choices, what he’s done, and what it reveals about his character. Pity a man who has given up the opportunity to kiss his children every morning and put them to bed at night. Pity him for the times he will miss with you and your sister. He will never be able to recover that. All those little moments and memories that make a life worthy of living. He’s human, he has weaknesses as all of us do.

Try and enjoy the little things in life. Try to bring focus on the things that bring you happiness and enjoyment. Appreciate all the things you do have and treasure them- the ability to write, the ability to see, the ability to take a deep breath, your time with your Mom (you’ll move out and miss her someday), the colors in a flower, your faith, your health.

It is wrong to hate people. A priest told my mom that Jesus said we have to love everyone, but he didn’t say we have to like them. Don’t confuse not approving of bad behavior, or hatred of deplorable conduct, with hatred of the person.
 
I too have been the victim of bullies, and I can tell you’re in a lot of pain.

I know a way to make the pain go away. Every time your sister misbehaves, offer up the pain you feel for the sake of her soul.

This will not make the pain vanish instantly, but it will reduce it. Continue to do this when she acts that way, and eventually the pain will go away.

I have a friend who had been angry at her cousin for years. I suggested this method to her, and it healed their relationship.

For anyone interested, I have a short blog post about my own experience and how this method worked for me: reflections911.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/as-we-forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us
 
Kay_Cee said:
I too have been the victim of bullies, and I can tell you’re in a lot of pain.

I know a way to make the pain go away. Every time your sister misbehaves, offer up the pain you feel for the sake of her soul.

This will not make the pain vanish instantly, but it will reduce it. Continue to do this when she acts that way, and eventually the pain will go away.

I have a friend who had been angry at her cousin for years. I suggested this method to her, and it healed their relationship.

For anyone interested, I have a short blog post about my own experience and how this method worked for me: reflections911.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/as-we-forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us
Click to expand...
Wow, thank you for that method. I can already feel myself feeling better. I’ll also check out your blog too.
 
styrgwillidar said:
First- she’s 15. Fifteen years of experience on this planet. Perhaps your mother doesn’t put a lot of weight on the opinion of a 15 year old? I don’t. Particularly a 15 year old who has no real clue about relationships and specifically her parents relationship. No one but the two involved ever have the complete picture. Almost all kids/teens are a bit spoiled and selfish because they really have no clue about what it takes to provide for them. I was, my nephews are, my kids are. My eldest texted me recently to apologize about some minor things from her childhood because now that she’s older she has a different perspective.

Your sister is also manipulative and knows how to push buttons and she likes to spin people up. Sit down and assess yourself, as others said you can only control yourself, and honestly consider what ‘hot buttons’ you have. Desensitize yourself to them- your reaction to your sister is her reward/motive. Don’t react in the way she desires. Ignoring folks who want drama and refusing to participate disarms them. Pity her, how sad and miserable she must be to have to lash out, to seek some kind of joy and satisfaction in other people’s pain. Pray for her.

You can certainly hate/deplore her behavior. You obviously can not respect people behaving in a way that isn’t respectable. But, you should hope and pray for her emotional and spiritual growth, for her to see the error of her ways.

My wife walked out of our 21 year marriage. I hate the fact she did that, I hate what it has done to the kids (they live/lived with me), but seriously, I don’t hate her. I pray for her, she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t figure out how to ‘make’ her happy and wanted her to stay. How could I honestly tell you she was horrible and I hate her if I wanted her to stay? Is that in some way what you feel about your Dad? If you want him there, if you would prefer he hadn’t done what he did so you could still be together than I don’t think you truly hate him, you hate his choices, what he’s done, and what it reveals about his character. Pity a man who has given up the opportunity to kiss his children every morning and put them to bed at night. Pity him for the times he will miss with you and your sister. He will never be able to recover that. All those little moments and memories that make a life worthy of living. He’s human, he has weaknesses as all of us do.

Try and enjoy the little things in life. Try to bring focus on the things that bring you happiness and enjoyment. Appreciate all the things you do have and treasure them- the ability to write, the ability to see, the ability to take a deep breath, your time with your Mom (you’ll move out and miss her someday), the colors in a flower, your faith, your health.

It is wrong to hate people. A priest told my mom that Jesus said we have to love everyone, but he didn’t say we have to like them. Don’t confuse not approving of bad behavior, or hatred of deplorable conduct, with hatred of the person.
Click to expand...
I’m sorry to hear about your wife, but thank you for helping me realize that I don’t truly hate my dad. I don’t hate my sister either… I’m just so angry at them and everything that’s happened. I’ll take your advice and appreciate the little blessings I have and find out what makes me tick.
 
Aquilina16 said:
I’m sorry to hear about your wife, but thank you for helping me realize that I don’t truly hate my dad. I don’t hate my sister either… I’m just so angry at them and everything that’s happened. I’ll take your advice and appreciate the little blessings I have and find out what makes me tick.
Click to expand...
I sort of thought that what you were describing was not hate, but frustration to the max. I don’t see anything wrong in being upset about your sister’s treatment of your mother. If you were indifferent or enabling, that would raise a red flag. It shows that you want fairness and at least, civility.

In my family of origin, three sisters did not treat their mother well, my grandmother. Everyone kept their mouths shut except me. My father did not want to have much to do with my mother’s sisters to register some kind of protest. The truth does win in the end even if my brothers still hate me. I don’t hate them although they accuse me of hate. I just say like Forrest Gump: “Hatred is as hatred does”. This is what happens in a family where children have had to take sides, not very pleasant.

I really do believe that much evil goes on in the world because good people will not speak up. However, when you are a dependent in a family there is little you can actually do. There was some good advice by posters here who said that you can let your concern be known without mixing it in with a lot of other stuff. The idea is not to rack it all up into a shouting match where people lose control You will be in control if you keep a cool head.

I have something similar around here with my adult children. Yesterday, I had to grit my teeth so as to not burst out. But I am getting used to it and even liking the results. When you get older the idea is to conserve energy and not to dissipate it. In other words, lose some battles, but win the war.
 
Aquilina16 said:
She has no respect for my mom at all. My mom works so hard to make the two of us happy, especially her, but she’s too spoiled and bratty to see it. Every time I see her treat my mom like trash, my blood boils and I get so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? When I build up enough courage to tell my sister to cut it out, she never listens and it just leaves me feeling more frustrated. She always likes to rub the fact that my father left us in her face by talking about him around her, calling her immature for not wanting to speak to him, and getting him to buy her stuff that my mom can’t afford. She’s nothing but a huge bully to everyone around her and treats everyone like trash, but something about her doing it to my mom makes me furious. My mom said that I shouldn’t hate her for her sake, but I do. If I can hate my dad then why can’t I hate my sister who is almost as horrible, if not worse, as him? She’s 15 and I’m almost 17. I just hate her so much. Is this wrong?
Click to expand...
Probably. You do not have to like your sister or your father. Hate is a waste of time I have learned. If you are asking if your feelings towards her are justified, I think you are showing a human response. She sounds like a troubled teen who wants attention. Maybe your parents split devastated her more than you know. As much as I hate this, God wants us to take higher road. It will not be easy. I think you should just distance yourself from her.
 
There seems much here as your sister apparently has a relationship with your father you do not share. You have “sided” with your mother and your sister more with your father.

But you mention your mother being a factor in making it harder for your sister to have a relationship with her father, and some children will always resent that. Some will believe it was done righteously.

In truth most often both parties share some blame, but it does sound like your sister wanting to be close to her father makes her the blacksheep of the household. How would you act given your feeling toward your mother if you lived with your father and him and your sister thought your leaning toward your mother was terrible? Your life would be one of constant struggle and condemnation 😦
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top