I have a dilemma

[tanzmitmir]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

I am a non-religious (but previously baptized in the Baptist church) woman who is dating a Catholic man. We have been together for a while, and there is a strong possibility that we will get married. In doing a bit of research, I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing. In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would. I suppose that’s pretty obvious for any true Catholic family, but I still want to do all that I can to make sure that his family is as happy as possible.

I would like to briefly explain my religious beliefs before I begin asking my questions. Although I am not religious, and although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people. I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him. Even though I don’t think I will ever believe in your God, his opinion is still important to me, and I don’t want to offend him.

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me? Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

 

[dsmantz]

I would suggest taking an RCIA course simply for the fact of understanding the faith of your husband. I wouldn’t convert merely for the pleasing of his family. If you feel called to do so throughout the process, that’s your decision. The fact that you are worried about this shows that in your heart of hearts, you have a longing to please something or someone higher than yourself, but we won’t delve into that.

Take RCIA, explain to the priest or catechist instructor your reasons why, have your marriage blessed by the bishop, and live as holy of a marriage as possible, understanding the gift and vocation you have chosen.

 

[fhansen]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

I am a non-religious (but previously baptized in the Baptist church) woman who is dating a Catholic man. We have been together for a while, and there is a strong possibility that we will get married. In doing a bit of research, I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing. In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would. I suppose that’s pretty obvious for any true Catholic family, but I still want to do all that I can to make sure that his family is as happy as possible.

I would like to briefly explain my religious beliefs before I begin asking my questions. Although I am not religious, and although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people. I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him. Even though I don’t think I will ever believe in your God, his opinion is still important to me, and I don’t want to offend him.

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me? Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

Not exactly sure why you might be concerned about offending a God you don’t really believe in but I can certainly understand wanting to please your new in-laws, etc. Many people go through RCIA for the reasons you’ve mentioned. I’ve always struggled with this as it doesn’t seem to me to be the right reason-one should join the Church because they’ve come to believe in God and want to confirm and strengthen that belief and relationship more yet. OTOH, RCIA could end up being a vehicle towards that same end, for all any of us know-including yourself. I wouldn’t dismiss God or the “Catholic God” too easily in any case-give it all a chance. At the end of the day, however, you need to be true to your own conscience-only you can answer some of the questions you’ve posed.

 

[Jim_Dandy]

You will never be allowed to join the Catholic Church for any reason other than that you believe it is true and that is your desire to live your life in accordance with the teachings of the Church. You can lie about it, of course, and the priest would have no way of knowing that you are not sincere. But I don’t recommend it – not for any reason. You may not believe in Him, but I would not try that with God. (I am a former atheist.)

You may go through RCIA for the purpose of understanding your BFs faith, however. RCIA just started in most parishes. Contact a Catholic Church near you so you can begin attending now. If you delay, you may have to wait a year or more. Classes usually end at Easter the following year (2012).

Jim Dandy

 

[MarkInOregon]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

I am a non-religious (but previously baptized in the Baptist church) woman who is dating a Catholic man. We have been together for a while, and there is a strong possibility that we will get married. In doing a bit of research, I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing. In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would. I suppose that’s pretty obvious for any true Catholic family, but I still want to do all that I can to make sure that his family is as happy as possible.

I would like to briefly explain my religious beliefs before I begin asking my questions. Although I am not religious, and although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people. I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him. Even though I don’t think I will ever believe in your God, his opinion is still important to me, and I don’t want to offend him.

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me? Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

As a parent with daughters who are old enough to marry. I would prefer they marry a Catholic man who practices his faith. If in the future they decide to marry someone who is not only is not Catholic but is not “religious” I would be more offended if that person “converted” only to discover that they didn’t really convert. It wouldn’t please my family to be lied to on such an important matter. Conversion implies a change of heart and belief–it will be obvious in the long run that you didn’t convert. How does your boyfriend feel about duping his family?

As a parent what would be important to me is that you allow the children to be raised Catholic and support your husband to be as he raises them in the faith. I don’t think this is ideal for the children in regards to passing on the faith and I speak as one who was raised in such a household. It is important that you not actively undermine the faith of the children–thats what will be important to the family. Your passively not believing will do enough undermining on its own. That is why the family would be happier if he married a Catholic.

Peace,
Mark

 

[losh14]

First, I’m very happy to hear you have a happy relationship that is progressing so nicely. All the best to you and him.

I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing.

Your first question is whether it is possible to marry in the Church, and it shouldn’t be a problem. If you can uphold your vows - the most difficult of which would be to agree to raise the children in the Church - I don’t see a reason why the bishop would refuse to give a dispensation. Just arrange it far enough ahead of time, like all paperwork it does take time.

In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would.

Your second question is whether you should convert. I don’t think you should until you’re ready. Vows are to be upheld, and for you as an adult coming into the Church, you’re fully responsible for them. My parents honored mine when I was baptized as an infant and I chose to renew them on my own account at my Confirmation - these are vows I renew every Easter. If you can’t uphold them, you shouldn’t take them.

It’s not for his family to reject you or dictate your profession of faith. It may be an uncomfortable conversation to have with them but they must ultimately respect the life you and he will have together.

although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people. I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him.

I’m not sure how this translates into how you live, but based on your relationship I think if there are incompabilities you and your beau will learn to work through them as you encounter them.

I agree with:

I would suggest taking an RCIA course simply for the fact of understanding the faith of your husband. I wouldn’t convert merely for the pleasing of his family. If you feel called to do so throughout the process, that’s your decision.

RCIA is for exploration. Not everyone who enters the course is expected to convert. If you find that’s the expectation when you sign up for RCIA, find a different parish. If I can offer a rather pithy bifurcation of Catholics, there are some who go through the motions and there are some who choose to truly believe. This is no different than other churches I’ve attended (even evangelical ones). I’ll go farther and say that if your expectation of becoming Catholic is to do some stand-sit-kneel aerobics while reciting formal prayers once a week, I’d rather you not convert. I think it is better for you to respect God and continue to learn about Him than make a committment that’s only followed half-heartedly.

If you do become Catholic, do so because Jesus has set your heart on fire for Him, and you desire to imitate, follow and love Him all your days. But start with RCIA and have that experience of sharing your understanding with others, and allowing others to share their faith with you. It may change your mind, it may not, but at least it would help you and your beau to share a spiritual element to your lives.

But don’t do it for your future in-laws. You’ll be around a lot longer than they will.

 

[Catholic1954]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

I am a non-religious (but previously baptized in the Baptist church) woman who is dating a Catholic man. We have been together for a while, and there is a strong possibility that we will get married. In doing a bit of research, I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing. In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would. I suppose that’s pretty obvious for any true Catholic family, but I still want to do all that I can to make sure that his family is as happy as possible.

I would like to briefly explain my religious beliefs before I begin asking my questions. Although I am not religious, and although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people. I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him. Even though I don’t think I will ever believe in your God, his opinion is still important to me, and I don’t want to offend him.

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me? Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

You would be converting for the wrong reason if you did it just to please your in-laws. While his family is important, this marriage is only between you and your boyfriend, no one else can tell you what or how to believe. Convert (or not) only when you believe that the Catholic Church is the only church for you. You could take RCIA classes only for your information, and to better understand where your boyfriend (and his family) is coming from and never convert. Anyone can attend the program, there is no pressure to convert.

 

[coachkfan1]

At the end of RCIA, before you are considered Catholic, you will be asked if you believe everything that the Holy Catholic Church teaches, and unless you can honestly say yes you will not be confirmed. And if you don’t believe what the Church teaches, please do not lie and say that you do. We have enough luke warm cafeteria Catholics as it is, and more importantly it will begin a relationship with Christ’s Church and your spouse that is based on your lie. But I do agree with what someone else said; the fact that you are worried about “insulting” God tells me that there is a small flame of faith in your heart that is waiting to be kindled, and RCIA and the people involved in it may just be the fan to that flame that the Holy Ghost is using. I wish you the best and I will say a quiet prayer for your journey in knowing the one true God.

 

[puzzleannie]

(I Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? .

no you are not required to convert in order to marry a Catholic, but he, not you, must comply with Church laws on marriage, obtain permission to marry a non-Catholic, prove his own faith is not in danger in so doing, and promise to raise your children Catholic including having them baptized and brought to the other sacraments. If he does not comply with Church law he separates himself from the Church and from the grace of Jesus Christ, this is the worst thing that can happen to a Catholic on this earth, even worse than death.

You are certainly welcome to take RCIA classes in order to learn more about what your fiance believes, why he believes it, what life demands this belief makes, and what your children will be learning and practicing. This requires no commitment on your part to convert. No you should not violate your conscience by going through sacraments which would be a sham and a sacrilege without belief on your part. The only reason for you to convert is when you become convinced the Catholic Church holds and teaches the Truth.

 

[tanzmitmir]

Thank you all for your helpful words and suggestions. I think I knew deep down that converting for the sake of pleasing my boyfriend’s family wasn’t the right reason, but I still wish that there was something that I could do for them to feel more comfortable about having a non-Catholic daughter-in-law.

I think my current path is to take the RCIA class and see what happens. Even if it’s only to completely understand my boyfriend’s religion (as several of you mentioned), then I will still get something very valuable out of it. And even though I don’t expect myself to change my beliefs, I’ll try my hardest to keep my heart open when I attend.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

And even though I don’t expect myself to change my beliefs, I’ll try my hardest to keep my heart open when I attend.

I really like your attitude, and I like all the information and advice of the previous posters. I’d like to share my experiences with you.

When I met my wife, aka St. Julie, I was on hiatus from the Church. When I met her, I started going again, and gradually my faith and my desire for Catholicism was restored. Looking back at it, I see how wonderful it was that she was Catholic and I was too. I thought it would be awkward if not downright difficult to mix religions within a marriage. We had six children and sent four of them to Catholic school K-12, and the youngest two are in Catholic schools now.

One of our daughters, I’ll call her “unit 4,” became the first of our children to get married, just two months ago, after dating her husband-to-be for two years. She was and still is a staunch Catholic but guess what? She married a Hindu man from Nepal. They had a Hindu wedding ceremony on a Friday, and a Catholic wedding the following day.

Before I realized how serious they were, I liked the guy a lot. He was kind and treated her like a queen. We talked from time to time about religion, and although he didn’t share our beliefs, he was respectful of our beliefs and enjoyed hearing about them. When I first saw the engagement ring many things ran through my mind. Among them was the unspoken thought, “oh no, they could be headed for a rough life,” due to their different religions. Other than the religious differences, I couldn’t think of any reason they shouldn’t be married, so I stuffed it and by wedding day I was OK with it.

They went together to marriage prep classes, with just the pastor and them in attendance. For that matter, they went together just about anywhere. At the Catholic wedding, the pastor did something I hadn’t seen before. After the scripture readings (they chose not to have Mass because the bride and groom could not participate in the Eucharist together) the pastor left them kneeling before the altar, told them “wait here, I’ll get back to you in a few minutes.” Then he came out (behind them) to those gathered – some of whom came clear from Nepal for the occasion – talked some about the scripture readings they had chosen, and told us some things that helped convince me that it was Wonderful these two had found each other. Then he sat down in a pew with the rest of us, asked them to stand and face the guests, and then had a conversation with them in front of everybody, while he was sitting in the pew and they stood, now with their backs to the altar. It was amazing and beautiful, and all those in attendance were deeply moved.

Among other things, he told us that in 24 years of marriage prep classes, he had never encountered a couple like them. He gave them a number of tests to take to indicate compatibility and whether they were fully aware of what marriage means and are prepared to enter into it. They scored at or nearly at 100% on each and every test he gave them. He said that no other couple he had ever met before even came close to that. He went on to say that they convinced him that they had excellent knowledge and expectations of what a marriage should be. He said some other things, but you get the idea.

She still attends Mass, receives the sacraments, and holds to her Catholic beliefs, and occasionally he goes with her but of course does not take Communion. There is no indication that either one of them expects him to convert, but they are planning to home school their children and bring them up Catholic, and from all the conversations I’ve had with him, I am confident that he will be a blessing, not a hindrance, to their Catholic upbringing. As far as how to behave and love one another and the way he treats her, he is on spot without a single exception in the past two years since they met.

They visit us several times a week, sometimes just her, more often both of them. Yesterday we all watched a movie together at our house – those two, my wife and I, and units 5 and 6 who still live here. This morning, they took unit 6 to the orthodontist for us, because St. Julie had a conflicting doctor appointment.

I don’t know your in-laws, but now you know about my experience with a child marrying a non-Catholic.

I wish the best for you and him, and I hope you have a long and happy life together.

Alan

 

[steve_b]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

I am a non-religious (but previously baptized in the Baptist church) woman who is dating a Catholic man. We have been together for a while, and there is a strong possibility that we will get married. In doing a bit of research, I have read that it is still possible to get married in the Catholic Church as we are, as long as we get a bishop’s blessing. In talking to my boyfriend, though, I’ve deduced that this option wouldn’t make his family nearly as pleased as him marrying a pure Catholic would. I suppose that’s pretty obvious for any true Catholic family, but I still want to do all that I can to make sure that his family is as happy as possible.

truly admirable on your part. If his family is a close knit family, then it’s obviously important that this close knit family stays close knit.
tan:

I would like to briefly explain my religious beliefs before I begin asking my questions. Although I am not religious, and although God does not exist for me, he still exists to me because he exists to my boyfriend, and to so many other people.

Is your boyfriend a practicing Catholic, or is he a cultural name only Catholic?
tan:

I respect God, and I respect all that is associated with him. Even though I don’t think I will ever believe in your God, his opinion is still important to me, and I don’t want to offend him.

You’ll be expected to raise the children Catholic. How is that going to fit in with your beliefs? What’s your boyfriend think about this?
tan:

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me

Don’t do it. You’ll be expected to make promises about beliefs that you would be intentionally lieing to God about. Don’t ever do that…
tan:

Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

Are you engaged yet?

 

[alwayslooking]

Thank you all for your helpful words and suggestions. I think I knew deep down that converting for the sake of pleasing my boyfriend’s family wasn’t the right reason, but I still wish that there was something that I could do for them to feel more comfortable about having a non-Catholic daughter-in-law.

I think my current path is to take the RCIA class and see what happens. Even if it’s only to completely understand my boyfriend’s religion (as several of you mentioned), then I will still get something very valuable out of it. And even though I don’t expect myself to change my beliefs, I’ll try my hardest to keep my heart open when I attend.

As previously said that is a good position to take. I only wish my former significant other was as open as you are. It is easy to tell that you love him.

 

[yablabo]

(I apologize if this is a question that you get often.)

And so begins my dilemma. Could I take the RCIA class and convert for my boyfriend and his family? If I converted, would I be insulting your God if I didn’t truly believe? Would it matter that I believed that converting was very real for my boyfriend’s family - even if it isn’t something I personally believe in? Would God understand that I still respect him for who he is to those around me? Would my intentions to please my boyfriend’s family make any difference? Would I be able to repent for anything if I understand that what I did was a sin in God’s eyes? Would the fact that I’m worried about this in the first place even matter?

In short, my concern is making his family happy while still respecting your God. Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

1. It is possible to take the RCIA class if the parish in which you reside offers one. You could change your name from “baptist” to “catholic”, if that is what you mean by “conversion.” It would not be a real conversion however. Conversion demands a change of heart based upon the realization that you are going the wrong way in life and need Christ to save you from the current misery in which you exist of your own making.
2. It’s possible to define words as you please, but that wouldn’t make changing your name/appellation a conversion.
3. A good act takes more than good intentions.
4. It is possible to say you repent of that which you are taught is sinful in God’s eyes, but, if you don’t believe it is a sin, I do not see how you could possibly repent.
5. I hope it matters that you’re worried.

If Christ did not institute the Catholic Church and send the Holy Spirit to protect it, then it’s silly to ascribe one’s self to lies… It’s hardly fitting behavior for an adult. If, however, Christ did institute the Catholic Church and the Holy Spirit continues to protect it, then, as Christ promised, we will see miracles surround it…since Christ said that miracles will follow those who believe.

I hope the best for you.

– Nicole