I have a girl problem

[Sanctifiable]

Sanctifiable,

That is absolutely great. I’m very happy for you. Your conversation could not have gone any better. It looks like no matter what happens you’ll have a good friend plus this is also a great experience for you (as you already know!).

I was praying you would not abruptly walk away.

I also agree with joandarc2008: it’s always good for a single man to have a good female friend to talk to.

Sometimes it is easy to let fear guide us (that’s what Satan wants), but we can’t live our lives that way. We can either let God guide us, or our fear. Always, always let faith be the guide—never your fear. When we let our fear take control Satan then destroys the confidence we should have in ourselves. Just take things one step at a time.

I also appreciate your thank you. I’m very glad that I could help you. I think you discovered something about yourself that was already there, you just needed a little nudge in the right direction to see it. And, thank God, too. I believe He put it on my heart to respond and give you that nudge. So be sure and thank Him, too.

I’ll pray that you develop a great friendship with her. And, whether you develop only a friendship or if it does turn into something more, I wish you the very best of luck in the future.

Thank you all for your kind replies. I’m not sure where things are going to go but I’d like the friendship part to develop. She was great to talk to. Philosopherking I don’t know who you are but God has blessed you with wisdom and thank you for your help…I do have a question though…How do I cultivate a friendship with her without looking like I’m pursuing her???
I just don’t want to call her and have her think I’m some kind of stalker…lol…because my intentions would be to have a good friendship with her.

 

[PhilosopherKing]

Sanctifiable,

Thank you. If God can use me as His instrument in any way I’m eternally grateful to Him–if anonymously, that’s even better.

As for your question: ah, yes. This is where you have to make a judgment call. This requires some acute perceptiveness on the part of us men.
Consider. You just had a great conversation with her. She now knows you have an interest but she has some concerns, as did you, about dating co-workers. And, it’s a valid concern—one she may not compromise on. But it’s out in the open. She has also said she doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around her. So there are no games here, as there shouldn’t be.

But every woman is different. Every woman is unique. She may want to talk or get together once a week as friends. Maybe more. Maybe less.
At this point you do not want to invade her space. Avoid what I call the “annoyance factor.” Ideally you would want to get a general feel for the situation from talking to her. But if you can’t quite seem to, simply consider below:

Don’t think in terms of having an attraction to her. I’m sure you’ve seen instances where a young male wants to become good friends with a slightly older male because the older guy is just “really cool”. The younger guy calls the older guy wanting to get together & hang out constantly. In a very short amount of time the younger male will simply become an annoyance—lightening quick. Or think of friends or people you have known for years. Imagine if you started calling them and/or wanted to get together on a constant basis. Soon they will probably just be upfront and ask why you want to get together all of a sudden, all of the time and then tell you to knock it off. Or think if you were the one being annoyed—you would probably want the person to just disappear for a while and give you your space.

If she sees you called and you left a message, you would like her to return the call within a reasonable period of time with no problem and without any hesitancy, right? You definitely do not want her to look at her phone and think, “Why is he calling me again? Ugh.” This is what you want to avoid—the annoyance factor. It’s not a gender issue or even a romantic interest issue—it’s just a matter of human nature.

Sometimes less on your part is more. You want your call to be viewed as a pleasant surprise and well received. This cannot happen if you call too often.

If you’ve called her three times over three days and she intentionally doesn’t return the calls, there’s a reason. No explanation is needed. The unspoken message is to give her space (hopefully not permanently). Some men will just keep calling not understanding why she won’t call back, so they just keep calling (until they get an explanation). Or they will not call for 2-3 weeks and then all of a sudden call her 10 times in two days. Very, very bad idea. Becoming an annoyance is an absolute death knell. It is often hard, if not impossible, to repair the damage. Some men follow the three strikes rule. That is, “if she doesn’t call back after the third call, it’s time to move on and retain my self-respect.”
If you leave a message and she doesn’t call back within an hour, do not get worried and start hypothesizing about why she hasn’t called back. This is where many men get irrational and start reading into things that aren’t there.

In your present situation, I don’t know her so I’m not absolutely sure. Some women think only men should call. Many women take some initiative themselves. But Saturday was your first non-work related conversation, correct? And, it went very well. You’re in the best position you can be in right now. If you can’t quite get a read, don’t call her until next weekend so maybe you’ll have a bit more to chat about. Play it safe. Maybe wait to see if she gives you a call, and if she mentions an interest in talking soon or getting together. Never be pushy.

Don’t ever wear out the welcome of friendship. True friendship is always a two-way street. Aristotle said some great things about friendship in his work the “Eudemian Ethics” (“Eudaimonia” in Greek means happiness). Plus, some people (or personalities) just kind of “click”. Some faster than others. Some people don’t click so much at all.

Others might say to just pray about it and if it’s God’s will it will all work out. I believe there’s a type of danger in that mentality because it can easily hinder our own efforts and choices, and, in our own minds even lessen our responsibilities. By all means pray continually without ceasing as St. Paul said. We all should. But remember that our Savior is also called the “Word”, or in the Greek the “Logos”, and “Logos” when traced far back enough means Reason, for that is what He is: He is Reason. To be made in His Image means He has given us the ability to Reason. Of course God wants us to pray and put faith in Him because He does lead us, but He also requires us to use the Reason He gave us to make sound, reasoned judgments in our daily lives and actions. The philosophers Aristotle, St. Thomas Aquinas, and St. Augustine would agree. As Socrates famously said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

All this to drive home the point that it’s always worth the time to think how you would react if you were in the other person’s place. Perceptiveness. It’s always a valuable thing.

And please say a prayer for me. I am in need of prayers for guidance, too. I have some big decisions I have to make for myself very soon.

 

[Sanctifiable]

Thank you King once again for a very informative post loaded with great advice. First off let me say I will have you in my prayers for your tough decisions coming up. I will pray to the Holy Spirit for you. You brought up some good points and I thought about it too and I think I’m going to wait a little and gauge how she is when I see her at work. I don’t work at her plant full time but on a regular basis so a little time may go by but when I see her I will engage in a little small talk with her. I want to go slow with this so I don’t create a mess because we do work together plus she calls me regularly with PO #s so if quits calling my cell phone and starts calling my shop number instead I’ll get the message…… I hope this works out because she would be a great friend

 

[dconklin]

Sanctifiable-

I just found this thread today and I enjoyed reading it. You have received some very sound advice. I married a girl I worked with. My father helped me get a job in her department, so it may have been a set-up but I was a recent grad and they needed someone. I actually worked for her for a week. She was Catholic but not as “into it” as I was. As a result of our dating, she grew much closer in her faith. She has even served as President of the Pastoral Council at our parish and taught as a catechist.

The age gap is not as big of a deal as it would have been in high school.

I hope and pray for whatever is the best for you. I am glad you got over that first hurdle. All the rest will be much easier - no matter how things turn out.

 

[kildare]

Hi Santifiable.
It appears you still have your heart set on this girl. She sounds like a beautiful person.
You made a very open advance by calling her and asking her directly to go out with you. That might be courageous but I think its also a little bit too direct and ultimately it has made things a little tricky, because you basically forced her into a corner.
On the otherhand the conversation went well, and I think you should continue along those lines. Her move is next, or Gods.
So Relax and Pray to God that she sees you as you really are. Continue to talk to her and importantly make her feel important without like appearing that you are trying to possess her. You should be spontaneous but caring. If God grants you another opportunity you will know.

 

[Sanctifiable]

Hi Santifiable.
It appears you still have your heart set on this girl. She sounds like a beautiful person.
You made a very open advance by calling her and asking her directly to go out with you. That might be courageous but I think its also a little bit too direct and ultimately it has made things a little tricky, because you basically forced her into a corner.
On the otherhand the conversation went well, and I think you should continue along those lines. Her move is next, or Gods.
So Relax and Pray to God that she sees you as you really are. Continue to talk to her and importantly make her feel important without like appearing that you are trying to possess her. You should be spontaneous but caring. If God grants you another opportunity you will know.

Kildare…I’m not sure if my heart is set on her or not. She is hard to get out of my head. I’m not exaggerating this but she is extremely beautiful and a very warm person. I may have made a mistake but if I didn’t call her I’d be still sitting here wondering. I mean when is the right time…who knows? I do agree the next move is up to her or God. I’m just going to be nice to her. In all honesty though I’d like to really just develop a good friendship with her and that’s it. I’d like to get to know her better. Even though she is gorgeous in looking at things I’m not so sure were compatible, she is not Catholic. My Catholic faith is most important to me first

 

[Sanctifiable]

Sanctifiable-

I just found this thread today and I enjoyed reading it. You have received some very sound advice. I married a girl I worked with. My father helped me get a job in her department, so it may have been a set-up but I was a recent grad and they needed someone. I actually worked for her for a week. She was Catholic but not as “into it” as I was. As a result of our dating, she grew much closer in her faith. She has even served as President of the Pastoral Council at our parish and taught as a catechist.

The age gap is not as big of a deal as it would have been in high school.

I hope and pray for whatever is the best for you. I am glad you got over that first hurdle. All the rest will be much easier - no matter how things turn out.

It was good to get past the first hurdle…our age gap could be as much as 12 years but I know the guy she had her baby to was older than me so I don’t think age is an issue to her. In truth I don’t see this being more than a good friends situation. She is not Catholic and thats very important to me.

 

[kildare]

Sanctifiable,

Yes Timing can tricky but it is important. Also I think invitations and propositions are better done face to face when you can study the other persons face, their demeanour. The problem with calling is that you really dont know how she actually is at that moment. For all you know she could have had a terrible day and not be in the right mood. I hope God grants you a time, when you are calm and relaxed and that she is receptive.

As for the faith, I think its really important that she knows how much it means to you. It is a apart of you as much as your right arm, and of course is not negotiable.
Perhaps you could start a friendly dialogue. She might even be an atheist, but if she is a good atheist/agnostic and listens to what you have to say, then May God grant that you can convince her of the Truth by your charitible actions as well as your words. It may take time though.

If you are attracted to her and you feel her to have something good about her, then dont give up on her yet. We are all children of God afterall.

 

[discomike2000]

It was good to get past the first hurdle…our age gap could be as much as 12 years but I know the guy she had her baby to was older than me so I don’t think age is an issue to her. In truth I don’t see this being more than a good friends situation. She is not Catholic and thats very important to me.

All real relationships start off as friendships. There are a lot of great saints that were brought into the Church by faithful and devoted spouses. It’s not important that she isn’t a Catholic, just that she’s open to the Truth. More importantly, you’ve got to be open to the possibility that you are being sent to bring the Truth to her!