I have a huge problem

[sad_wife_1983]

Ok, so I called his parish priest and the receptionist at the church told me to call Catholic Charities. I did and we have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. Here comes the problem (you know there was going to be one ). Our household income puts us in the highest amount on the payscale. He says that its stupid to pay for something like that. He called another church that has a deacon and is trying to make an appointment with him.

Now, do I just let it go that he want to go to the deacon, or do I insist on the appointment we already have?

One more thing, how do I “make him stop” treating me like this? Its good advice, but how does the rubber meet the road? Any practical suggestions? I keep leaving but I’m tired of leaving my own home because he can’t control himself.

If I’m getting annoying and whiney about this, please feel free to tell me.

 

[kage_ar]

Keep the appointment you have. Pay for it yourself, go alone if he will not go with you.

Should he get an appointment with the Deacon, then, you can always keep that one as well.

You need to speak with someone who will give you an objective POV.

Prayers!

You cannot make anyone do anything. You can leave if he is hateful and cruel to you. Go to a friends house, go to a hotel.

 

[catharina]

Ok, so I called his parish priest and the receptionist at the church told me to call Catholic Charities. I did and we have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. Here comes the problem (you know there was going to be one ). Our household income puts us in the highest amount on the payscale. He says that its stupid to pay for something like that. He called another church that has a deacon and is trying to make an appointment with him.

Now, do I just let it go that he want to go to the deacon, or do I insist on the appointment we already have?

One more thing, how do I “make him stop” treating me like this? Its good advice, but how does the rubber meet the road? Any practical suggestions? I keep leaving but I’m tired of leaving my own home because he can’t control himself.

If I’m getting annoying and whiney about this, please feel free to tell me.

Keep BOTH appts, for heaven’s sake. You have savings. Let him (husband) get on the phone and arrange time with the deacon, but BOTH of you need to keep the CC appt on Tues. If he won’t go, you go alone. At best, your husband sounds mentally ill. (Shall we downgrade it to “an anger management problem?”) At worst, he’s far beyond standard therapeutic help. Find out what’s the problem - OK?

ANNOYING?
Please!
How have you stood it this long???

 

[mark_a]

Any and all advice would be apprecitated. Thanks!

Maybe your husband is insecure about his wife being out until 1:30 in the morning.

Get yourself a key made.

 

[1ke]

Ok, so I called his parish priest and the receptionist at the church told me to call Catholic Charities. I did and we have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. Here comes the problem (you know there was going to be one ). Our household income puts us in the highest amount on the payscale. He says that its stupid to pay for something like that. He called another church that has a deacon and is trying to make an appointment with him.

Your husband is an abusive nut case. If you want to try to save the marriage, then put together your list of demands and make him walk the line.

The part about being “worthless” if you don’t have a degree would have been IT for me.

DISCLAIMER: I am very against divorce and think that most situations can be worked out. This isn’t one of them, IMHO.

If it were ME… I’d take my big pile of money that I **earned while working, put it in a separate bank account, file for divorce and never look back. I’d also petition for a decree of nullity based on fraud. I’d round up his family as witnesses while you still can.

Now, do I just let it go that he want to go to the deacon, or do I insist on the appointment we already have?

You do what YOU think is best. And if it costs money, too bad.

One more thing, how do I “make him stop” treating me like this?

Honey, you can’t make him do anything.

The only person you can change is YOU.

Its good advice, but how does the rubber meet the road? Any practical suggestions?

I keep leaving but I’m tired of leaving my own home because he can’t control himself.

Then change the locks and put his cr*p on the front porch.

If I’m getting annoying and whiney about this, please feel free to tell me.

You aren’t getting whiny, the only question is, “WHY are you still with this man?”

 

[Catitude]

It sounds like he has a mental problem. My mom is still married to a man like that and they’re both Catholic. Please be assure that you are in my prayers and that not all of us Catholics are like your husband.

I would leave as soon as you are able to. It hasn’t gotten any easier for my parents and I live in fear that he will do something horrible to her. If he can lock you out in the middle of the night, then he is capable of doing worse!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First off, this is my first post in these forums.

Welcome and sorry your first post is such an unhappy one

If he wasn’t a Catholic I guess I would be more understanding.

WHAT??? Why would you put up with abusive behavior from anyone? If he was an ex-con dealing drugs on the side and didn’t believe in God at all would that make this all ok?

I am not (as of yet) but have been spending all my days here on CAF for a good three months.

This website and these forums really helped me during my conversion journey. I pray they help you too.

I grew up the “dreaded” fundamentalist and have stopped going to my church out of respect for my husband being Catholic and have been coming to church with him.

So right off the bat you gave up one of the most important aspects of your life, your faith? Not good.

I do have legitimate concerns about the Catholic Church, otherwise, of course I would be Catholic. We knew our theology was different and I was hesitant about getting married, but he assured me it would be ok.

Did he assure you it would be ok before or after you gave up your faith?

I (stupidly) went ahead and married him anyway.

The only thing stupid about someone making a mistake is to acknowledge that it has been made but then do nothing to correct it. Like “ouch, I turned on the hot water instead of the cold” and then continue to burn your hands instead of turning on the cold water.

I don’t get it. How can someone be one person at church (wanting to be a Eucharistic Minister, wanting to be a deacon later on, wanting to go to Bible studies) and a completely different one at home?

Personality disorder, mental illness, immaturity, evil… take your pick. But nothing healthy leads to that kind of behavior.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

The only problem with this is that he wants me to talk to him about these things, but every time I do I’m being a “drama queen”.

You know, maybe you are being a dram queen… but a good spouse would help you instead of put you down.

When I bring up me going alone, he automatically vetoes it because he doesn’t want to pay for it. I am not working right now because I am starting school in August.
**
Whatever money is in the bank account is BOTH of your money. **

Oh, and that’s another thing. Anyone (like me) who doesn’t have a Bachelor’s degree is a waste of skin, so I am going back to school.

Is that the ONLY reason you are going back to school??? That is a horrible way to treat his wife and any other human being who doesn’t have a degree (I guess I am a waste of skin).

When I was working all my money went into savings, so we have a sizeable nest egg for things, but he insists on paying cash (actual cash) for everything.

**NO, according to his logic, YOU have a sizeable nest egg and I sincerely hope you get it all into a personal account NOW NOW NOW! I have a feeling you are going to need it. Do you even have access to it?

**

 

[Julianna]

Ok, so I called his parish priest and the receptionist at the church told me to call Catholic Charities. I did and we have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. Here comes the problem (you know there was going to be one ). Our household income puts us in the highest amount on the payscale. He says that its stupid to pay for something like that. He called another church that has a deacon and is trying to make an appointment with him.

As others have said, go to both. If he refuses to go the first…you go…and make sure you do.

Now, do I just let it go that he want to go to the deacon, or do I insist on the appointment we already have? Don’t insist, don’t engage. Mark the appointments on the calendar, and if he says he isn’t going to the first one, “say, that’s ok, I’m going”…then leave the room.

One more thing, how do I “make him stop” treating me like this? What was that famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt? Somebody help me with that…it speaks volumes.Its good advice, but how does the rubber meet the road? Any practical suggestions? I keep leaving but I’m tired of leaving my own home because he can’t control himself. Again, is the apt lease in his name, do you have you’re own car and bank account? The rubber meets the road when you silently refuse to “engage” or be drawn into an arguement. Abusive people get a real high by bringing their victims into their yelling and screaming matches. The victim usually gives in and feels worthless and apologetic because the abuser has pounded hateful words at them. If you are not there to hear it, there is less chance you will feel that way.

If I’m getting annoying and whiney about this, please feel free to tell me.

Most would say, stand up for yourself, get in his face, however this type of person wants that, it’s like a drug. Abusive with words can escalate into physical in the blink of an eye. You are worth more than that. By leaving, and yes, I know it is hard for you, but really, he is getting the message. He is not getting his “high”…you have refused to engage by your silence. When you are out, start planning where you are going to go and what you are going to do. You know you will eventually have to leave and you are here because you are stuck on “how”. Leaving doesn’t allow him to grovel when he finds out you are serious. That is another trick.

Do not write your plans down or use a non protected computer. If you have a cell phone IN YOUR NAME only, that is fine. Make sure you have access to money, your own car. That is what I am getting at. Too many women find that “everything” is in his name and without access to these things he has total control. It’s not 1950 anymore… If the apt is in his name…he holds the lease, where will you live…if the car is in his name…he could report it stolen if you take it…if you have YOUR OWN bank account…he can’t get to it. If it is in both your names, again, you will be tied to him.

Every women should go into a marriage with her own bank account, computer, cell phone, job a and car. Both names on the lease, if he gets abusive, you can call the police…and HE will be the one leaving. Even if it’s only words…the police will ask him to find a place to spend the night.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Am I the only person here who wants to know why it is that you were coming home at 1:30AM? You didn’t say you were working, you didn’t say why – at all so I suspect your husband has issue with you going out and partying?

This sounds more like a personal problem than a religious one.

Follow the previous advice and get counseling.

 

[catharina]

Am I the only person here who wants to know why it is that you were coming home at 1:30AM? You didn’t say you were working, you didn’t say why – at all so I suspect your husband has issue with you going out and partying?

This sounds more like a personal problem than a religious one.

Follow the previous advice and get counseling.

Didn’t your mommy teach you: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” You “suspect” - I guess you do. So you figure the hubby “suspects” too. Lovely. This poor woman comes to this site with questions about her CATHOLIC husband’s bizarre behavior (she being non-C) and you jump her about PARTYING? She answered the suspcious accusation back in Post # 12 after it was first made. Maybe you should go and kick a door or a wall or break some dishes. He pitched a tantrum so she grabbed her cell phone and her keys and walked out. Good for her. Some wives would have shot him.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Didn’t your mommy teach you: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” You “suspect” - I guess you do. So you figure the hubby “suspects” too. Lovely. This poor woman comes to this site with questions about her CATHOLIC husband’s bizarre behavior (she being non-C) and you jump her about PARTYING? She answered the suspcious accusation back in Post # 12 after it was first made. ** Maybe you should go and kick a door or a wall or break some dishes. ** He pitched a tantrum so she grabbed her cell phone and her keys and walked out. Good for her. Some wives would have shot him.

Maybe YOU should go break some dishes – or punch a wall. YOU NEED TO CHILL. (I love how you write something like that after telling me not to say something if it isn’t nice. )

You don’t know her and neither do I.

So what if her husband is Catholic? Does it matter? He could be just as big of a jerk if he were Muslim, JW, Mormon, Protestant, Buddhist, blah blah blah. We have one side of the story – HERS. All I asked is why she was coming home AT 1:30 in the morning!

Good night, I am not sold on every single person’s tale of WOE. And again, you need to CHILL. Be COOL, like Fonzie.

Again, OP: keep your counseling appointment.

 

[catharina]

Maybe YOU should go break some dishes – or punch a wall. YOU NEED TO CHILL. (I love how you write something like that after telling me not to say something if it isn’t nice. )

You don’t know her and neither do I.

So what if her husband is Catholic? Does it matter? He could be just as big of a jerk if he were Muslim, JW, Mormon, Protestant, Buddhist, blah blah blah. We have one side of the story – HERS. All I asked is why she was coming home AT 1:30 in the morning!

Good night, I am not sold on every single person’s tale of WOE. And again, you need to CHILL. Be COOL, like Fonzie.

Again, OP: keep your counseling appointment.

If Fonzie ever becomes one of my heros, I’ll follow his example.All I said was that she already explained where she was (in Post # 12). Before you accuse, at least read the thread. Your charitable assistance was NOT that. Telling you that is the NICEST thing I can do for her and for YOU.

 

[Salonika]

First off, this is my first post in these forums.

My husband and I got married about a year ago. After we got married, he completely changed. He calls me names, cusses at me, and most recently, locked me out of the house at 1:30 in the morning.

I don’t get it. How can someone be one person at church (wanting to be a Eucharistic Minister, wanting to be a deacon later on

That’s what a friend of mine wondered when the same thing happened to her. Almost the moment he got the ring on her finger the psychological (and in her case) physical abuse started.

She was silent about this for a long time feeling ashamed of what had happened and that she hadn’t seen the signs before. I think, that like your husband, her husband hid things very well. Certainly none of her friends or her family including her parents picked any signs or could given hindsight. So do not take on any guilt if people if say to you “there must have been clues, you just missed them.”

Your first priority is to keep yourself physically and psychologically safe and posters have given you some good advice here.

Steer clear of anyone (including counsellors) who want to divert the sessions/talks to your contribution to the situation or tell you to try and understand your husband. Your safety is the most important thing NOW. Also steer clear of anyone you says “you’ve made your bed now lie it.” Yes, you vowed to love your husband and he vowed to love you - but psychological abuse isn’t loving you, nor is locking you out at 1.30am.

Also keep in mind that the longer you stay - without his behaviour changing - you could begin minimising the situation especially if there times when his behaviour is less extreme. That could put you further at risk.

 

[DL82]

As for becoming a Catholic. I hope you will explore that on your own and convert for the right reasons-- because you believe the Catholic Church to be true-- not because your spouse is pressuring you.

And (I never thought I’d find myself saying this) go to the church of your choice until you are ready to accept the Catholic faith.

Honestly, don’t get your catechesis from people on CAF, they will be very orthodox about doctrine, but sometimes miss the finer points of actually LIVING the faith in the real world, in your clearly difficult situation. If you don’t know, investigate in more depth, and if you don’t believe, don’t stop going to your church to please your husband. Giving up your faith for the wrong reasons won’t make him respect you any more.

If you don’t respect yourself enough to keep the faith you hold, you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your husband. St Thomas Aquinas said that for a thing to be sinful, it need only be either objectively sinful or done by a person who believes subjectively that they are committing a sin. If you abandon your faith because of your husband, even if his church is objectively better, you are still doing the wrong thing because you believe subjectively that you are saved in your Bible church, and yet choose to turn your back on that for a mere mortal.

It sounds to me as though your husband has some serious problems. Maybe he sees you as his ‘prize’ now, he thinks that now you are married he can do what he likes to you. This is an unbelievably selfish attitude, and I echo the post which said he should get counselling. It’s important that you don’t put up with this. Don’t be a doormat, he needs to know that you won’t let him treat you that way. Not being a doormat about your church, your beliefs, and living out your Christian faith in the home, not just when at church, is one important step in that.

 

[SD_Catholic]

If Fonzie ever becomes one of my heros, I’ll follow his example.All I said was that she already explained where she was (in Post # 12). Before you accuse, at least read the thread. Your charitable assistance was NOT that. Telling you that is the NICEST thing I can do for her and for YOU.

None of my business, but that’s actually not “ALL” you said … but your point would have probably been recieved better if it had been

SD

 

[Julianna]

And (I never thought I’d find myself saying this) go to the church of your choice until you are ready to accept the Catholic faith.

Honestly, don’t get your catechesis from people on CAF, they will be very orthodox about doctrine, but sometimes miss the finer points of actually LIVING the faith in the real world,**** in your clearly difficult situation. If you don’t know, investigate in more depth, and if you don’t believe, don’t stop going to your church to please your husband. Giving up your faith for the wrong reasons won’t make him respect you any more.

If you don’t respect yourself enough to keep the faith you hold, you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your husband. St Thomas Aquinas said that for a thing to be sinful, it need only be either objectively sinful or done by a person who believes subjectively that they are committing a sin. If you abandon your faith because of your husband, even if his church is objectively better, you are still doing the wrong thing because you believe subjectively that you are saved in your Bible church, and yet choose to turn your back on that for a mere mortal.

It sounds to me as though your husband has some serious problems. Maybe he sees you as his ‘prize’ now, he thinks that now you are married he can do what he likes to you. This is an unbelievably selfish attitude, and I echo the post which said he should get counselling. It’s important that you don’t put up with this. Don’t be a doormat, he needs to know that you won’t let him treat you that way. Not being a doormat about your church, your beliefs, and living out your Christian faith in the home, not just when at church, is one important step in that.

Well said!

 

[kage_ar]

Honestly, don’t get your catechesis from people on CAF, they will be very orthodox about doctrine, but sometimes miss the finer points of actually LIVING the faith in the real world, in your clearly difficult situation.

Odd - everyone here is a person who LIVES in the real world. We have all gone through difficult situations. Christ told us life would be hard. He gave us a Church full of our brothers and sisters and Priests and religious to help us through the hard times.

There are some very wise and caring people on this site. There are Catholics who stand up and live the Faith every single day, as well as a handful of non-practicing Catholics (but they make themselves very evident).

Never underestimate the power of the believers united in the Church and the prayers of the faithful.

 

[KCtheMommy]

None of my business, but that’s actually not “ALL” you said … but your point would have probably been recieved better if it had been

SD

This person is a head-scratcher huh?

I woke up this morning laughing about the advice to break dishes and punch walls…I can honestly say that is the craziest advice I have ever received on a message board. ANY message board. Well wait – that’s the craziest advice I have ever received.

 

[catharina]

None of my business, but that’s actually not “ALL” you said … but your point would have probably been recieved better if it had been

SD

Great post and I thank you.I’ll even apologize to the kcmommy for my tone.I do apologize to the kcmommy for my tone.I should have said "Probably when you jump into a thread - and haven’t really read the thread - and give some sort of mommy-admonishment - your tone and your views negate each other as an offering of “helpful advice.” If you’re ticked about something and check into a thread to kick some righteous butt, it might be better (instead) to punch the wall, break some dishes, etc…