I have a safety/legal concern regarding my husband's choices

[mommamaree]

Hello everyone at CAF,
I have a concern about some choices that my husband and his Catholic friends are making. They have a semi-regular guys night, maybe once or twice a month. They typically meet up at one of their houses, or rarely at a sports pub, and play cards and have snacks. Nothing wrong there, but they also drink large amounts, and then drive home at about 3 to 5 am. Now, maybe I am over-reacting. They get together starting at about 9 or 10 pm. Each of them typically consumes a minimum of the equivalent of a six-pack of beer, but sometimes they drink liquor. Two months ago, they met at our house, while I was on a weekend trip and my husband was keeping our older children. One of the friends drank so much whiskey that he was “screaming at the toilet” or passed out on the floor for most of the night. In the hall bathroom, where any one of my three children who were home could have found him (he is godfather to some of my kids). But he was obviously not fit to drive home until dawn, and he was vomiting everywhere.
My husband doesn’t usually get that messed up, but he does come home stumbling. I have asked him repeatedly not to drink so much, and if he does drink too much, wait until dawn and soberness returns. He seems to think that he is fine, when I can tell when he arrives home that he is not able to walk a straight line.
I am very concerned. I do not know what to think or what to do. These men are all CATHOLIC. They should know better than to drink large amounts of alcohol, get plastered, and then DRIVE themselves home. I used to be upset about my husband staying out until dawn, which was a completely new thing for me when they started getting together a few years ago. But I quickly realized that I preferred him to be gone all night rather than driving home drunk. Ideally, I wish he wouldn’t drink so much, either, but I am concerned about someone getting hurt, or arrested, or dead. What do I do, as his wife, to get through to him, when he totally disagrees about an appropriate amount of alcohol to drink and then drive?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I really don’t know what to tell you. There isn’t much you can really do to stop them short of calling the police when they take to the road. I’ll tell you this much though, if my husband were driving drunk it would cause very serious problems in our marriage. He pledged his life to me and putting it at risk like that is not ok. It would be a million times worse if we had kids.

 

[Xantippe]

There can be legal responsibility for bar owners who over-serve drunk customers who then get into accidents. I’m sure it varies from locale to locale what your responsibility would be as a host, but it’s not a good situation to be in.

There’s a lot to dislike about the situation, but I really don’t like the fact that your husband had a bunch of drunk guys at your house while you were out of town and he was in charge of your older children. Not cool. There are all sorts of bad things that could happen in this situation. It’s just so very wrong of your husband to endanger his children like this, not to mention innocent people on the road.

Is your husband self-medicating anxiety or depression or stress or is it just peer pressure?

 

[mommamaree]

To clarify:
The men he had over are actually the godfathers of our children. These are his two closest friends, and they are all Catholic. They started, a few years back, with going out to local pubs for a couple hours, but since all the pubs have to close by 1am, they decided to start getting together at each other’s houses, mostly. Then, they can play cards and talk, and unfortunately, keep drinking longer.
I have asked my husband repeatedly to think of the consequences, I have reminded him once or twice of the gravity of the sin of drunkenness and especially driving while intoxicated. I refuse to become a nag, but I gotta do something. I looked up Al-Anon and discovered there is a meeting every Thursday at the Lutheran church just outside my neighborhood. I am thinking I should start going, and tell him where I am going, and tell him he needs to take care of the children by himself while I go. I am seriously considering it.
This behavior has got to stop. It is illegal to do what he is doing. He is seriously endangering his own life and that of others. He has come home so obviously drunk (while denying he is drunk, claiming he is merely tired) that I have had to insist that he not sleep in our bed, because he might suffocate our baby (she cosleeps part of the night so I can rest while nursing). He is in such denial, as are his friends.
I do think it is a stress-relieving thing. These men are good, hard-working husbands and fathers, and devout Catholics. They are all pouring themselves into their vocation with all their might. But then the stress of it all gets to them, and they all lose their head when they get together. I understand wanting to share alcoholic beverages with friends, and I totally sympathize with wanting to destress after working so hard for your families, but the dangers of drunkenness and drunk-driving are tremendous. Plus, they are in the category of mortal sin! Our examination of conscience tells us that much. I am getting quite disappointed. I cannot reason with my husband. It is like he wants to be rebellious. He is going to hold on to this part of his life where he gets to act young and stupid and do as he pleases without thought of consequences. And I don’t know how to talk to him about this. He is a very sensitive person, and I am afraid that if I try to talk to him more about this, that he will feel ashamed and it will drive the urge to rebel even deeper into his heart.
But all of the wives of these men are troubled by this behavior. We all have made some veiled comments about how this is negatively impacting our marriages.

 

[Cat]

If I were you, I would call the police and give them a heads-up about what’s going on at the party house. The cops will gladly take it from there.

Please stop these “men” before they kill someone. I would not take it well if they ever hurt or kill anyone I love.

 

[Dorothy]

To clarify:
The men he had over are actually the godfathers of our children. These are his two closest friends, and they are all Catholic. They started, a few years back, with going out to local pubs for a couple hours, but since all the pubs have to close by 1am, they decided to start getting together at each other’s houses, mostly. Then, they can play cards and talk, and unfortunately, keep drinking longer.
I have asked my husband repeatedly to think of the consequences, I have reminded him once or twice of the gravity of the sin of drunkenness and especially driving while intoxicated. I refuse to become a nag, but I gotta do something. I looked up Al-Anon and discovered there is a meeting every Thursday at the Lutheran church just outside my neighborhood. I am thinking I should start going, and tell him where I am going, and tell him he needs to take care of the children by himself while I go. I am seriously considering it.
This behavior has got to stop. It is illegal to do what he is doing. He is seriously endangering his own life and that of others. He has come home so obviously drunk (while denying he is drunk, claiming he is merely tired) that I have had to insist that he not sleep in our bed, because he might suffocate our baby (she cosleeps part of the night so I can rest while nursing). He is in such denial, as are his friends.
I do think it is a stress-relieving thing. These men are good, hard-working husbands and fathers, and devout Catholics. They are all pouring themselves into their vocation with all their might. But then the stress of it all gets to them, and they all lose their head when they get together. I understand wanting to share alcoholic beverages with friends, and I totally sympathize with wanting to destress after working so hard for your families, but the dangers of drunkenness and drunk-driving are tremendous. Plus, they are in the category of mortal sin! Our examination of conscience tells us that much. I am getting quite disappointed. I cannot reason with my husband. It is like he wants to be rebellious. He is going to hold on to this part of his life where he gets to act young and stupid and do as he pleases without thought of consequences. And I don’t know how to talk to him about this. He is a very sensitive person, and I am afraid that if I try to talk to him more about this, that he will feel ashamed and it will drive the urge to rebel even deeper into his heart.
But all of the wives of these men are troubled by this behavior. We all have made some veiled comments about how this is negatively impacting our marriages.

Perhaps the comments be not veiled and the wives should get together with the husbands and calmly tell them how they feel about what is happening. Pray together before this takes place, and I hope you decide to do this…or it may take a tragedy to change this.

 

[mommamaree]

Perhaps the comments be not veiled and the wives should get together with the husbands and calmly tell them how they feel about what is happening. Pray together before this takes place, and I hope you decide to do this…or it may take a tragedy to change this.

Trouble is, the wife of one of the men, LOVES to drink, too. I mean she can down a ton of alcohol. She would not cooperate with me in confronting the menfolk.

I will not be able to enlist her help. I do intend to do something, however. This has to stop.

 

[MaryT777]

Have a talk to talk with your husband and tell him this no longer will happen in your home.
This seems ridiculous a bunch of drunks at your house with children present and driving home as well. Tell him the next time it’s at your house you’ll call the police.

Mary.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, when I got back from the DMV, having passed the driving test and gotten my license

(mind you, I had a car sitting in the garage that I’d bought and got running with my own money before my 16th birthday, my Dad made me wait until 6 months later, and I was going to be paying for my own insurance)

my father made me stop in front of the house. He pointed at it and asked,

“Do you like living here?”

I replied, “yeah…”

" Do you think your mom and I like living here?"

Again, “yeah…”

“Think your sisters and brothers like having this roof over their heads? A home?”

“Sure Dad, I don’t hear them complaining. What’s your point?”

My dad said, " I don’t have much in the bank. I don’t have a lot of assets. The one thing I do have is that home. You screw up bad enough in a car, you hurt someone seriously in an accident— even paying your own insurance, you are a minor and I’ll get sued. That home is what I’ll lose. Your, my, your mothers, and your brothers and sisters home and possibly have to sell everything in it as well. You keep that in mind when you get behind the wheel."

You need to talk with your husband about the possible financial consequences of an accident if he’s found to have been drinking. Even in an accident which might otherwise not be considered his fault-- kid runs into the street etc.-- having alcohol in his blood will cast an entirely different legal vulnerability to it.

As someone else said, a host can be held liable as well. Ask these good, hard-working folks if they really want to risk all the fruits of their labors, everything they’ve striven to provide for their families. Key boxes work nice at parties. Sober guy with the key, the box isn’t opened until 8 hours after the last drink.

Cab rides are cheap compared to lost lives.

 

[mommamaree]

If I were you, I would call the police and give them a heads-up about what’s going on at the party house. The cops will gladly take it from there.

Please stop these “men” before they kill someone. I would not take it well if they ever hurt or kill anyone I love.

I understand what you are saying here, but they are not doing anything illegal at the house. It may be stupid to drink so much, but it is not until they get in the car to drive home that anything illegal happens.
I do have the option to threaten my husband that if he ever drinks to excess and drives again, I will call the police to alert them each and every time that they schedule a guys’ night out.

I mean, am I over-reacting? I don’t know about the other men (although I have heard stories they tell about each other), but my own husband will drink more than one alcoholic beverage per hour, and definitely regularly 5+ drinks on one occasion, and then say he is fine to drive home. Isn’t that the definition of binge-drinking? Won’t that cause impairment? Visually, I can see he is drunk when he gets home! Are my observations way off-base here?

 

[TheDoors]

Trouble is, the wife of one of the men, LOVES to drink, too. I mean she can down a ton of alcohol. She would not cooperate with me in confronting the menfolk.

I will not be able to enlist her help. I do intend to do something, however. This has to stop.

Sit down and have a frank discussion with your husband. This is not a safe, legal, moral or appropriate behaviour. You do not deserve to be made a widow because your husband doesn’t feel like sleeping on someone’s couch, and nobody else deserves to die for the same reason. Your kids deserve a safe place to live, and shouldn’t have to see adults in authority in such a state. And talk to your priest. I’m sure this won’t be the first time he’s heard this story.

 

[mommamaree]

Sit down and have a frank discussion with your husband. This is not a safe, legal, moral or appropriate behaviour. You do not deserve to be made a widow because your husband doesn’t feel like sleeping on someone’s couch, and nobody else deserves to die for the same reason. Your kids deserve a safe place to live, and shouldn’t have to see adults in authority in such a state. And talk to your priest. I’m sure this won’t be the first time he’s heard this story.

I was really thinking I needed to talk to the priest about this. Do I make an appointment to speak with him about this? Or do I ask with the anonymity of the confessional?

 

[BettyBoop416]

My husband is an attorney who sometimes ends up defending DUI cases. The very best you can hope for is a license suspension and thousands of dollars worth of fines and attorney fees. If there’s an accident, the expense goes up exponentially. Someone hurt or killed? You’re screwed. Needless to say, DH is the go-to guy when a designated driver is needed. Even when he is not serving as designated driver, he as a strict one beer limit. I am SO glad I don’t have the OP’s concern.

To the OP: Your husband is flirting with a disaster of monumental proportions every time he and his buddies behave like frat boys. Since this seems to be a regular thing, it’s just a matter of time. And as someone else mentioned, if one of these guys gets plastered at your house and kills someone on the way home…well I hope you have a very good lawyer on speed dial. And a large bank account.

Edited to add: In addition to fines and legal fees, if someone gets a DUI, they can expect a huge jump in their car insurance premiums. Get a second one? Good luck finding a company that will insure you at any price. Welcome to the state high risk pool.

 

[MaryT777]

I was really thinking I needed to talk to the priest about this. Do I make an appointment to speak with him about this? Or do I ask with the anonymity of the confessional?

I would not allow one more gathering of these men in your home again until serious measures have been taken to prevent the excessive drinking and driving home at all hours of the morning. Someone can be seriously injured, end up paralyzed and of course dead as has been noted.

I would never allow my children in their presence while drinking again as well.

Mary.

 

[mommamaree]

So I am not over-reacting? He has implied that I am just over-reacting.

Saturday, he arrived home at 2:45. The party started at 10. So, in four and a half hours, he consumed a six pack of beer. When he arrived he smelled overwhelmingly of beer, like it was oozing out of his pores, not just on his breath. And he was leaning and stumbling and breathing heavily. All signs of extreme drunkenness in my experience, or so I thought.

If you all tell me that I am not over-reacting, I plan to sit him down tonight and address this. If he won’t listen to reason, I will speak to the ladies and I will start attending Al-Anon meetings. I will also speak to our priest.

But I really needed a reality check, as well as an idea of the legal consequences we are likely to face, if he gets pulled over or into an accident.

 

[MaryT777]

So I am not over-reacting? He has implied that I am just over-reacting.

Saturday, he arrived home at 2:45. The party started at 10. So, in four and a half hours, he consumed a six pack of beer. When he arrived he smelled overwhelmingly of beer, like it was oozing out of his pores, not just on his breath. And he was leaning and stumbling and breathing heavily. All signs of extreme drunkenness in my experience, or so I thought.

If you all tell me that I am not over-reacting, I plan to sit him down tonight and address this. If he won’t listen to reason, I will speak to the ladies and I will start attending Al-Anon meetings. I will also speak to our priest.

But I really needed a reality check, as well as an idea of the legal consequences we are likely to face, if he gets pulled over or into an accident.

Good luck with the discussion with your husband; I hope he is open to hearing your concerns.
Mary.
:hug1:

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So I am not over-reacting? He has implied that I am just over-reacting.

Saturday, he arrived home at 2:45. The party started at 10. So, in four and a half hours, he consumed a six pack of beer. When he arrived he smelled overwhelmingly of beer, like it was oozing out of his pores, not just on his breath. And he was leaning and stumbling and breathing heavily. All signs of extreme drunkenness in my experience, or so I thought.

If you all tell me that I am not over-reacting, I plan to sit him down tonight and address this. If he won’t listen to reason, I will speak to the ladies and I will start attending Al-Anon meetings. I will also speak to our priest.

But I really needed a reality check, as well as an idea of the legal consequences we are likely to face, if he gets pulled over or into an accident.

Depending on your husbands size and how he spaced the beers a six pack in 4 hours probably isn’t over the legal limit. If he was behaving like you describe he had more than a 6 pack.

 

[edwest2]

Hello everyone at CAF,
I have a concern about some choices that my husband and his Catholic friends are making. They have a semi-regular guys night, maybe once or twice a month. They typically meet up at one of their houses, or rarely at a sports pub, and play cards and have snacks. Nothing wrong there, but they also drink large amounts, and then drive home at about 3 to 5 am. Now, maybe I am over-reacting. They get together starting at about 9 or 10 pm. Each of them typically consumes a minimum of the equivalent of a six-pack of beer, but sometimes they drink liquor. Two months ago, they met at our house, while I was on a weekend trip and my husband was keeping our older children. One of the friends drank so much whiskey that he was “screaming at the toilet” or passed out on the floor for most of the night. In the hall bathroom, where any one of my three children who were home could have found him (he is godfather to some of my kids). But he was obviously not fit to drive home until dawn, and he was vomiting everywhere.
My husband doesn’t usually get that messed up, but he does come home stumbling. I have asked him repeatedly not to drink so much, and if he does drink too much, wait until dawn and soberness returns. He seems to think that he is fine, when I can tell when he arrives home that he is not able to walk a straight line.
I am very concerned. I do not know what to think or what to do. These men are all CATHOLIC. They should know better than to drink large amounts of alcohol, get plastered, and then DRIVE themselves home. I used to be upset about my husband staying out until dawn, which was a completely new thing for me when they started getting together a few years ago. But I quickly realized that I preferred him to be gone all night rather than driving home drunk. Ideally, I wish he wouldn’t drink so much, either, but I am concerned about someone getting hurt, or arrested, or dead. What do I do, as his wife, to get through to him, when he totally disagrees about an appropriate amount of alcohol to drink and then drive?

1. You could talk to a priest.
2. You could talk to a licensed therapist and try to get him to come along at an appropriate time.
3. Your concerns are well-founded. This sort of thing can lead to ongoing addictive behavior, health problems from drinking too much and possible arrest if caught driving drunk. I don’t know what the penalties are for where you live.

I know some Catholic men who drink up to a point and that’s it, but there are others who drink too much on a fairly regular basis. It becomes a lifestyle - and it gets reinforced every time they do it. Growing up, I learned that some men drank because they thought that’s what men do. By the grace of God, I did not develop that mindset.

God, I hated those smoke-filled bars and there was a guy who was drunk that I saw stumble and fall in the snow, or a former friend who thought it was cool that he got so wasted, he would crawl on all fours to his car, get in and pass out.

God bless,
Ed

 

[MJJean]

You aren’t overreacting.

My dad had a drinking problem much like you describe. He would meet up with friends, family, the guys on his work crew and play cards while having a few drinks. It was all hunky-dory until he got popped for drunk driving. $5000 in fines and court costs, a suspended license that the judge kindly allowed him to drive to and from work only on. And that kindness was because Dad was the sole adult in the household who could drive (mom was disabled) and our sole financial support. He also paid another $2500 in legal fees. Oh, and a year of probation including court ordered AA meetings and psychological counseling.

Had he actually gotten into an accident and harmed someone, he would have been legally liable and could literally have lost his assets. Including the house and retirement funds.

My husband will occasionally go to parties hosted by friends that include drinking. He came home drunk once. Once. Why? Because I explained to him exactly what could happen to him, up to and including jail time and seizure of our assets which would leave me and the kids homeless. I told him if he ever, I mean ever, drove himself home buzzed or drunk again I would have his manhood on a platter to show the divorce lawyer. I mean, if I am gonna have to pay for a lawyer anyways, might as well do it protecting my portion of the assets for my children.

As for drinking to excess in front of the kids, that’s also a no-no. Go ahead and drink and play cards, but do it when the kids aren’t home or are in bed. And if the kids are in bed, the person making a racket or vomiting will find himself removed from the house.

Driving drunk is ultimately very foolish. There are so many other options. The wives could drop off and pick up. The wives could set up a rotational car pool type thing. The guys could crash on the couch. The guys could call cabs. The guys could simply stop drinking in time to go home before dawn as sober drivers. There is NO excuse for driving drunk.

DISCLAIMER
Years ago I met a lovely young lady named Jessie. She was 17 at the time I met her and a friend of a friend. I taught her how to drive a stick shift because the car she could afford for herself was a manual. Less than a year later, shortly after turning 18 and graduating, she was killed on her way home from work as a waitress Christmas Eve. The man that killed her was a drunk driver who was so intoxicated he did not realize he hit her car until he had been dragging it for 1/4 mile. Jessie’s parents got woken up before the sun Christmas Day by the state police who were there to inform them their daughter was gone. The man who hit her went to prison. A lot of lives ruined that night. I am seriously serious about drunk driving.

 

[Cat]

So I am not over-reacting? He has implied that I am just over-reacting.

Saturday, he arrived home at 2:45. The party started at 10. So, in four and a half hours, he consumed a six pack of beer. When he arrived he smelled overwhelmingly of beer, like it was oozing out of his pores, not just on his breath. And he was leaning and stumbling and breathing heavily. All signs of extreme drunkenness in my experience, or so I thought.

If you all tell me that I am not over-reacting, I plan to sit him down tonight and address this. If he won’t listen to reason, I will speak to the ladies and I will start attending Al-Anon meetings. I will also speak to our priest.

But I really needed a reality check, as well as an idea of the legal consequences we are likely to face, if he gets pulled over or into an accident.

No, you are NOT over-reacting. Far from it.

In fact, I’m getting angrier by the minute at your wishy-washiness. Like I said, if one of these boys hurts or kills one of MY daughters…well, let’s just make sure that never happens, OK?

I realize that the cops cannot stop men from abusing alcohol in a private house. But they can be on the lookout, and watch these men as they leave that house and drive…

,drive?? Oh, my God, this makes me SICK that people, especially Christians, in the United States think that driving after drinking is acceptable behavior! OMG OMG OMG!!! This scares me to death! To think that one of my beautiful daughters, or my awesome son-in-law, or my dear husband. could have their life ended by a beer-guzzling monster. OMG.

Please, please, I beg you to have mercy on the rest of us and stop them! If you don’t have the nerve to call the cops, then tell one of your strong-minded female friends to do it.

Or call Mothers Against Drunk Driving and ask them to go to the house and deal with these idiots.