I have a safety/legal concern regarding my husband's choices

[mommamaree]

I would work with him on this, and let him provide the solution. That is, here’s the problem, what do you propose to do to solve it?

I don’t know him or his ego. But as someone else said, guys like to be problem solvers vice being ordered around. Especially by his partner who is supposed to respect him and have his back. There’s a difference between saying- honey, here’s the issue I’m worried about, I trust and respect you but you never know what’s going to happen. (I have a nephew who was hit by another driver. Completely the other drivers fault, no question. Cops clearly stated it. Problem? My nephew had one beer, an alcohol level that barely registered and he was underage (20 yrs and 6 months)-- but it was there. So, as a result he lost his license for a while.) Its not just the alcohol but being up all night and driving home tired. What do you think we can do? Try as best you can to make it a mutual decision vice getting his back up being accusatory or “laying down the law” or “acting like you’re his mother” and provoking resistance vice cooperation. You know him best. Just my .02

I agree, which is why I have tried this approach for over a year. He refuses to abide by any reasonable restriction of his behavior, nor will he just sleep over, nor will he call me to come pick him up. I have treated him with respect, but he is behaving in a horrible fashion with respect to this. I have lost my sense of respect for his choices.

 

[MaryT777]

Normally, I would agree. However, she has already spoken to him about this many times and has gotten no results. The time for her husband to say “Ok, since you are worried about this, I will do X to solve the problem.” has come and gone.

Yes, the OP is aware of this and is planning to take serious action now.
Mary.

 

[marymary1975]

Normally, I would agree. However, she has already spoken to him about this many times and has gotten no results. The time for her husband to say “Ok, since you are worried about this, I will do X to solve the problem.” has come and gone.

I agree MJean she has spoken to him about this already with no results. She cannot sit down to try to convince him anymore

 

[MJJean]

Okay, now I know that I was not over-reacting. Thank you everyone.

I am really quite astonished at this behavior, honestly. I have been expressing my concerns and have been asking each and every time to be careful and not drive drunk, and he ignores my requests. Why in the world would an otherwise good and steady man do such things?

Oh, and someone asked his age. He and I are turning 35 very soon, and we have been married for almost 16 years and we have four children. Time for him to grow up, I’d say.

Want a guess? Because he thinks it’s ok since it’s just the guys at a friends house playing cards and having drinks. It’s not like they’re out at the strip clubs or chasing women at regular bars or something… And didn’t he earn this time out by going to work and providing for the family and coming home every other night of the week?

I get that men want to go be men without women hanging around fouling the air with all that estrogen. I get that they work hard and need to let off some steam. I get that they want their guy bonding time. What I fail to understand is how they can easily rationalize blatant stupidity like driving drunk or being out at all hours on a regular basis.

 

[MJJean]

I agree, which is why** I have tried this approach for over a year. **He refuses to abide by any reasonable restriction of his behavior, nor will he just sleep over, nor will he call me to come pick him up. I have treated him with respect, but he is behaving in a horrible fashion with respect to this. I have lost my sense of respect for his choices.

maybe I missed you mentioning before how long you’ve been trying to talk sense to him. If he’s been doing this for over a year on any kind of regular basis I think it’s a miracle he hasn’t had anything terrible happen. I’d say a prayer of thanks for that.

And that it has gone on so long is part of the problem. It’s easy to think that nothing is going to happen because nothing has so far. Pretty much everyone in a preventable and terrible situation thought it would never happen to them until it did.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I agree, which is why I have tried this approach for over a year. He refuses to abide by any reasonable restriction of his behavior, nor will he just sleep over, nor will he call me to come pick him up. I have treated him with respect, but he is behaving in a horrible fashion with respect to this. I have lost my sense of respect for his choices.

Sorry. Unfortunately some folks just have to learn the hard way. I’ve figured out learning from others mistakes is a lot easier on me, as well as parking the ego and rationally acting in my own best interests.

I don’t know if he’d be receptive to go on a ride-along with the police. Particularly on the weekends in areas with a lot of night-life? I don’t know if that would help. I had a friend who’s mother worked in the ER. She took him there a couple of times and pointed out DUI victims. He didn’t ever drink and drive, but who knows if that was due to the scared straight drill or if he’d have avoided it anyway.

You know there are some days I wish I could beat sense into people, there are a few I would use like pinatas. Unfortunately, that just doesn’t work.

 

[rayne89]

Mommamaree add to your list attend al-anon for yourself. I am the wife of a recovered alcoholic. Not the kind you see pictured in movies or on TV. Not the everyday falling down abusive drunk. Your solution is a temporary solution to put out the immediate fire and for the safety of others there is a need for it. The truth is your husband has a problem with alcohol. His choices, his priorities reflect it. And you are going to need the support to see you through what other choices you will have to make because this will not be the last fire and you can not drag your children out at 4am to pick up their drunk father for an extended period of time.

 

[mommamaree]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

 

[MJJean]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

YAY!:dancing:

 

[MaryT777]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

AWESOME!
Glad it went so well.
Mary.

 

[scoobydoo6v92]

The problem with this is the assumption he will be caught before someone is hurt or killed. You’re assuming he’ll get a DUI vice a trip to the morgue.

The reason there are DUI laws is because people get injured and killed. Their primary goal is to discourage the behavior in the first place. Discourage others by making examples of those who violate the law.

The goal should be to not drink and drive in the first place. Especially late at night combined with fatigue. That is something he simply needs to acknowledge and work up a solution to prevent with his wife. Whether it’s cab rides, designated driver, sleep over, walk, public transportation, wife/older child pick up— whatever.

Sorry, waiting for a DUI to solve the problem is playing Russian roulette. The hammer is likely to fall on the live cartridge vice the empty chamber.

I know you are right, the great thing is that he quits before killing himself and Lord knows I am praying for him and his friends. but you can’t put him in bubble wrap and you can chain him to a radiator. you can try to reason with him. the only thing you can do is try an intervention with your friends and family and the only one that can stop him from drinking is him. and of course God. Call on God to help. I don’t want you to go through this I know all about the bottle, I lost my Grandfather and almost my Father to it. It is an awful LONELY disease that involves everyone in the household… not saying your family is in the same boat. most people that drink are not pickled as alcoholics but it is possible. I am not saying your husband is an alcoholic and I pray I didn’t convey that in my last post. But my prayers are with you

 

[EasterJoy]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

He should be ready for the shocking realization of how boorish and unenjoyable his friends get when they’re drunk. Sometimes you have to be sober to realize what a bunch of idiots you and your friends are when you’re drunk.

OTOH, he may find that each of these guys have a “tell” that a blind man could see a mile away when they have each had a few. If he repeatedly cleans up at cards, the satisfaction of that may take the sting out of having a Coca Cola instead of a beer.

 

[scoobydoo6v92]

That gives me an idea how about video tape him when he is with his friends and when one of his friends is laying on the floor video tape that too. show him the footage when he sobers up. I do wish my Grandfather had a DUI but he died from an aneurism in 1980 I was cheated out of a lot of time I could have had with him. He was an alcoholic and there was no doubt and my Grandmother was his enabler He was a proud guy and if he was mortified by being charged with a DUI I know he would have been around well into the 90s or early 2000s My Father got sober in 1988 and he almost died of liver failure. he would get a 6pack and when he got home it would be a “5pack” dangerous stuff that you don’t think of when you are in the midst of it all. I am going from my experience . People who do things like this need some mortification. not hurting themselves but some sobering video footage and or stuff of that sort. with all the cops out there regarding DUI stops (THANK GOD!!!) he is bound to get pulled and that is a possibility. If it happens is what I was trying to say. IF he gets pulled charged and thrown into the slammer for a night, that is the mortification that may stop this before it gets worse. I only wish Granddad was pulled he might have been saved. he owned the Pepsi distributorship in Santa Rosa California in the early 50s then reduced to a sick man that had a failing bar all alone in Cold Spring NY. heart breaking.

 

[marymary1975]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

 

[mommamaree]

He should be ready for the shocking realization of how boorish and unenjoyable his friends get when they’re drunk. Sometimes you have to be sober to realize what a bunch of idiots you and your friends are when you’re drunk.

OTOH, he may find that each of these guys have a “tell” that a blind man could see a mile away when they have each had a few. If he repeatedly cleans up at cards, the satisfaction of that may take the sting out of having a Coca Cola instead of a beer.

He brought up again a concern about quality of friends. He reminded me of Matthew Kelly’s explanation of a good friendship being one that makes you a better person, whereas people who encourage you to sin are not people you should be surrounding yourself with. I knew just what he was talking about. However, when I was pregnant, he abstained from alcohol on guys nights and kept earlier bedtimes as a result, in order to be there for me. He liked how that felt and intends to return to that. But he also is concerned that his friends, for all that we love them, have used peer pressure in a bad way and may therefore not be the best influences.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m so glad you talked to him and he has “seen the light” so to speak.

Driving while intoxicated is no joke. I was a young EMT…barely 22…when I encountered my first car accident caused by a drunk driver. No one was seriously injured, praise God for that, but it definitely left an impression on me.

The more I saw, the more disgusted I became. It’s hard to be sympathetic to an injured driver who just reeks of alcohol…after you’ve helped treat the sober and injured occupants of the other vehicle.

I really wish that people who receive DUIs would be required to do ride time/observation time with the saturday night, summer crews of the police, EMS or ER staff and see what we see. It’s not fun and it’s not pretty. It’s sobering.

I wasn’t exactly an angel myself when it came to partying. Working in the EMS field changed my viewpoint on alcohol entirely.
I still enjoy a beer on occasion…but usually at home with dinner or at a summer BBQ or local pub walking distance from home.

 

[Michael57]

I just talked to him. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he had been thinking about this, too, and was ready for the conversation. He admitted his concern, especially since he never craves alcohol at other times and only rarely drinks a moderate or small amount. He was surprised at my assertion that he needs to abstain completely on guys night. But he agreed right away and promised. I told him if he breaks this promise I intend to go to our priest and start attending Al-Anon, and would not agree to him going on guys night out unless I chauffeured. I told him I was concerned for the state of his soul because of the gravity of these sins, and told him I am already going to confession this week and asked if he wanted to go as well. He agreed that it would be a good thing, too.

So, to all of you, I want to thank you. You helped me think clearly and plan out a very difficult conversation, and I believe that the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels were working in this situation.

 

[Cat]

I’m glad the conversation was positive.

However, if he is an alcoholic, we shall see what happens. Some alcoholics vow over and over again to stop drinking and then they go out and do it again. They can watch videos or see pictures of alcoholics on skid row. They can see videos of drunk driving tragedies and even talk to the families of those who have lost loved ones to a drunk driver, and then they go out and drink again. Alcoholism is an addiction, and addictions usually don’t just stop. The alcoholic has no power over alcohol. I know there is disagreement over this, but I personally think alcoholism is a disease that must be treated.

So let’s hope that the husband is not an alcoholic, but just a man who got into some bad habits and has wisely realized the need to change his ways.

 

[davidedwards]

From the facts it could understand that your husband can be booked for domestic violence. You move a petition before the court stating these allegations and pray for a temporary restraining order against your husband. Court will consider your petition and pass appropriate orders, if your allegations are found to be true. It is presumed that you owning the house. Mean time you file a complaint to the concerned police officer and they will provide proper protection to you and your kids. It is also advised that you may consult with Family law Attorney who can give a valid legal opinion in this regard.

 

[mommamaree]

From the facts it could understand that your husband can be booked for domestic violence. You move a petition before the court stating these allegations and pray for a temporary restraining order against your husband. Court will consider your petition and pass appropriate orders, if your allegations are found to be true. It is presumed that you owning the house. Mean time you file a complaint to the concerned police officer and they will provide proper protection to you and your kids. It is also advised that you may consult with Family law Attorney who can give a valid legal opinion in this regard.

I have no idea what you are talking about. My husband has not ever been violent with me.

This matter had been resolved. I spoke with him regarding the pattern I had observed developing in his social life. He immediately felt convicted and amended his behavior. He also has stopped socializing with the friend of his that got crazy drunk in our home.

I followed the advice of the wise posters here to admonish my husband, and by the grace of God, the problem was immediately corrected. I am unsure why this months-old thread was drudged up today.