M
MarkA16
Guest
READ FIRST
Some may or may not read some of my posts and threads. They may see me as a very devout Catholic. I want to be. But I think of myself as a liar, fake, hypocrite, etc. Why? Here is why.
One of the reasons why this is personal is because I have a family member who is part of the clergy. And it concerns them. These experiences I still remember for almost 11 years (I’m 17).
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I have this addiction. An addiction I’ve had for maybe five years (I’m 17 y.o.). It’s pornography. I believe it when I first set my eyes on female breasts. I still remember the moment. I still remember what I was doing, and what the scene was. My dad said, “cover your eyes”. but you know, being the curious baby, I peeked a bit and saw a woman in the shower. The movie was not porn, but an action movie. I think I saw this clip when I was 6 years old. Yeah, that’s how much it has effected me. So much I still remembered it another 11 years.
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Another incident is what disturbs me the most. I feel bad sharing this to you all. This one concerns a relative who’s in the clergy. If you really want to help me out you can continue reading. It’s really personal. If you feel that it is too personal for you to read, don’t scroll down. These two incidents I clearly remember, it’s like a replay in my head, like going back in time. THat’s how deep it is.
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I remember, me in my blue crib in front of the tv. My uncle was sitting on the floor next to my crib. He (or should I say WE) were watching a movie called Color of Night (looked it up). The movie has numerous nude scenes. I remember my uncle saying to me, “why are you watching this? it’s bad for you” I think those words specifically. I was only like 5 or 6 years old (I don’t know really. I was in a crib. 5yo in a crib? Either I was younger or I just liked staying in the crib).
That same uncle became a priest. Maybe 5-7 years from that day. When I was told the news that he became a priest, I never thought about the scars that were put in my life (symbolically speaking), because I wasn’t really interesting in learning about my faith at that age of 10 or so.
When I was about 15 years old I wanted to know more about my faith. I’ve had doubts here and there but I didn’t stop. That’s when i started learning about Christianity as a whole rather than Catholicism itself.
When I turned 16 I celebrated my birthday in the Philippines. THat’s where my uncle lives and priests there. I decided to stay at his place for the nights because he was a cool uncle (forgetting about the past. I never really thought about my past until tonight. It’s been 12 years without thinking about it).
My uncle went out with my aunties to go play Bingo for fun. I decided to stay alone because I wanted to sleep (jetlag). But the curiosity from my early childhood carried on through all these years. When I entered my uncle’s home, I saw an altar, books about Catholicism, picture of him with either the pope JP or a bishop. I was thinking. Wow, I love it here. I then decided to go watch some movies and looked through his collection…
.
.
.
.
.
.
I found movies I wouldn’t believe he would have, but then I remembered about what he showed me back then. I didn’t know what to think that time. I’m in a house full of Christian things. This is how strong my addiction to sex was. I was going about my business and I knew it was wrong. I was thinking about what I was doing but the addiction was strong I had to finish. When I was done, I slipped one of the movies in my pocket to steal. I went to sleep. The next day, it was like nothing ever happened.
To this day this addiction is still with me. I remember months ago I battled against it and stayed off of it for like 1 or 2 weeks. I was happy, but then temptation came back. I feel sick. To my friends they see me as a God loving person, but they don’t know about my deep dark secret. Except one girl, whom I really trusted since she told me her secret. She thinks it’s all “part of being a boy”. I was like, “no way, it’s too dirty. it’s not Christ like”.
I’ve come to realize that I delete my porn files after I watch something that is God related (youtube.com/profile?user=MarkA15) or that I’ve finished “my business” because I regret it.
I want this addiction to stop. I want to go to counseling or something! I don’t want to talk to my uncle about this because he is part of the reason why I ended up like this. I just don’t know how one could be a priest and have this kind of stuff in their house ya know? At least when I thought about being a priest (I really did), I said, “no way Mark, you still have this addiction.” Why can’t my uncle think that?
Just because a priest like my uncle is or has something dirty does not separate me from my faith in Catholicism, but rather made it stronger.
Can someone shed some light? I really want this to stop. I really need help. Call me, talk to me, write me, whatever. I don’t know. I want to share Jesus the right way. I really really weak.
Some may or may not read some of my posts and threads. They may see me as a very devout Catholic. I want to be. But I think of myself as a liar, fake, hypocrite, etc. Why? Here is why.
One of the reasons why this is personal is because I have a family member who is part of the clergy. And it concerns them. These experiences I still remember for almost 11 years (I’m 17).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I have this addiction. An addiction I’ve had for maybe five years (I’m 17 y.o.). It’s pornography. I believe it when I first set my eyes on female breasts. I still remember the moment. I still remember what I was doing, and what the scene was. My dad said, “cover your eyes”. but you know, being the curious baby, I peeked a bit and saw a woman in the shower. The movie was not porn, but an action movie. I think I saw this clip when I was 6 years old. Yeah, that’s how much it has effected me. So much I still remembered it another 11 years.
.
Another incident is what disturbs me the most. I feel bad sharing this to you all. This one concerns a relative who’s in the clergy. If you really want to help me out you can continue reading. It’s really personal. If you feel that it is too personal for you to read, don’t scroll down. These two incidents I clearly remember, it’s like a replay in my head, like going back in time. THat’s how deep it is.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I remember, me in my blue crib in front of the tv. My uncle was sitting on the floor next to my crib. He (or should I say WE) were watching a movie called Color of Night (looked it up). The movie has numerous nude scenes. I remember my uncle saying to me, “why are you watching this? it’s bad for you” I think those words specifically. I was only like 5 or 6 years old (I don’t know really. I was in a crib. 5yo in a crib? Either I was younger or I just liked staying in the crib).
That same uncle became a priest. Maybe 5-7 years from that day. When I was told the news that he became a priest, I never thought about the scars that were put in my life (symbolically speaking), because I wasn’t really interesting in learning about my faith at that age of 10 or so.
When I was about 15 years old I wanted to know more about my faith. I’ve had doubts here and there but I didn’t stop. That’s when i started learning about Christianity as a whole rather than Catholicism itself.
When I turned 16 I celebrated my birthday in the Philippines. THat’s where my uncle lives and priests there. I decided to stay at his place for the nights because he was a cool uncle (forgetting about the past. I never really thought about my past until tonight. It’s been 12 years without thinking about it).
My uncle went out with my aunties to go play Bingo for fun. I decided to stay alone because I wanted to sleep (jetlag). But the curiosity from my early childhood carried on through all these years. When I entered my uncle’s home, I saw an altar, books about Catholicism, picture of him with either the pope JP or a bishop. I was thinking. Wow, I love it here. I then decided to go watch some movies and looked through his collection…
.
.
.
.
.
.
I found movies I wouldn’t believe he would have, but then I remembered about what he showed me back then. I didn’t know what to think that time. I’m in a house full of Christian things. This is how strong my addiction to sex was. I was going about my business and I knew it was wrong. I was thinking about what I was doing but the addiction was strong I had to finish. When I was done, I slipped one of the movies in my pocket to steal. I went to sleep. The next day, it was like nothing ever happened.
To this day this addiction is still with me. I remember months ago I battled against it and stayed off of it for like 1 or 2 weeks. I was happy, but then temptation came back. I feel sick. To my friends they see me as a God loving person, but they don’t know about my deep dark secret. Except one girl, whom I really trusted since she told me her secret. She thinks it’s all “part of being a boy”. I was like, “no way, it’s too dirty. it’s not Christ like”.
I’ve come to realize that I delete my porn files after I watch something that is God related (youtube.com/profile?user=MarkA15) or that I’ve finished “my business” because I regret it.
I want this addiction to stop. I want to go to counseling or something! I don’t want to talk to my uncle about this because he is part of the reason why I ended up like this. I just don’t know how one could be a priest and have this kind of stuff in their house ya know? At least when I thought about being a priest (I really did), I said, “no way Mark, you still have this addiction.” Why can’t my uncle think that?
Just because a priest like my uncle is or has something dirty does not separate me from my faith in Catholicism, but rather made it stronger.
Can someone shed some light? I really want this to stop. I really need help. Call me, talk to me, write me, whatever. I don’t know. I want to share Jesus the right way. I really really weak.