I have changed. But my wife hasn't!

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MainBrain

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I have made the changes that my wife has used as an excuse why she doesn’t want to make love in our marriage bed. She used to complain about my yelling. I put all of my strength into not yelling. But still, he will not have sex. I give up! I GIVE UP. I WANT OUT! But I’m trapped!
Just goes to show that a woman will lie to herself about her husband.
 
MainBrain said:

“I have made the changes that my wife has used as an excuse why she doesn’t want to make love in our marriage bed. She used to complain about my yelling. I put all of my strength into not yelling. But still, he will not have sex. I give up! I GIVE UP. I WANT OUT! But I’m trapped! Just goes to show that a woman will lie to herself about her husband.”

You sound really resentful. I’m not hearing a lot of love or trust of your wife in your post–I’m sure she can hear exactly the same thing. Ask yourself–if I were a woman, would I want to have sex with a man who felt that much distrust and seething resentment of me?

Have you done counseling? Are you dating her? And can you figure out how to manage a night or two away (her birthday, your anniversary, some sort of thing she likes)?

Like it or not, you can’t guilt her into having sex with you.

I forget whether or not you’ve read it, but Julia Grey’s “Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You,” is a great place to start. If I were you, I’d read the whole blog archive, if you haven’t already.

juliagrey.wordpress.com/

It’s possible that your yelling killed her desire for you (at least temporarily). Your not yelling now is fantastic, but that doesn’t mean that she’s suddenly going to want to have sex with a guy that she believes doesn’t respect, love or trust her.

Best wishes!
 
You say you have changed, but have you?

You are still yelling here. Still using explanation points throughout your posts.

And is has only been a couple of months since you accused her of cheating with the boss.

Now you are accusing her of lying to herself. 🤷

Maybe she hasn’t seen the change she wants.
 
I don’t know the whole story, obviously…but as someone who has had to abstain for almost 5 months while waiting for a convalidation, nothing is more of a turn off than someone acting bitter and resentful about not having (enough) sex.
 
As others have said, I obviously don’t know your situation, but here are my thoughts:

You seem to think that you can trade good behavior for sex, and that you are owed sex because you are married. Obviously one hopes that marriage will involve the marital act. BUT if this is your approach to sexual intimacy, your wife likely feels used. Even sex within marriage can be sinful if you are using your wife to satisfy your desires, rather than using sex as an expression of your love for her.

In the USCCB’s Examination of Conscience for Married Persons, it asks:

“Have I misused sexuality? Have I used sexual relations solely for my own selfish pleasure? Have I been too demanding in my desire for sexual fulfillment? Have I been loving and physically affectionate in my sexual relations or have I used sexual relations in a way that would be demeaning or disrespectful to my spouse?”

Try to consider these questions, and reflect on how you may become a better husband, rather than complaining about your wife. You may find that the issue resolves itself in time.

If you find this advice does not apply to you, try talking to a priest about your specific situation. He would know better than any of us.
 
SayehMahtabi said:
You seem to think that you can trade good behavior for sex, and that you are owed sex because you are married. Obviously one hopes that marriage will involve the marital act.
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But she ought to be having sex with him, unless there is some good reason not to do so; Paul in 1 Corinthians talks about how spouses should not abstain, except mutually for short periods to devote themselves to spiritual things. Yes, of course he should work on himself and being a better husband, but why are people lecturing him for wanting sex with his wife? Seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me.
 
heidi_storage said:

“But she ought to be having sex with him, unless there is some good reason not to do so; Paul in 1 Corinthians talks about how spouses should not abstain, except mutually for short periods to devote themselves to spiritual things. Yes, of course he should work on himself and being a better husband, but why are people lecturing him for wanting sex with his wife? Seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me.”

Have a look at the old threads started by the OP.

This couple has a lot of problems. The OP seems to have anger issues, he has very recently suspected his wife of cheating, and he’s had long-term unemployment (5+ years). From my look at the old posts, it seems to me that the lack of sex is just the cherry on a huge sundae of marital problems.
 
heidi_storage said:
But she ought to be having sex with him, unless there is some good reason not to do so; Paul in 1 Corinthians talks about how spouses should not abstain, except mutually for short periods to devote themselves to spiritual things. Yes, of course he should work on himself and being a better husband, but why are people lecturing him for wanting sex with his wife? Seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me.
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He has, in other threads, admitting to yelling too much, accusing his wife of cheating with her boss, and being a porn addict. Sounds like good reasons to me.
 
I’m leaving this forum. I am tired of people viciously judging me like most in this thread. Bye. I have had enough.
 
maryjk said:
He has, in other threads, admitting to yelling too much, accusing his wife of cheating with her boss, and being a porn addict. Sounds like good reasons to me.
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Well, this may be superfluous if MainBrain is leaving, but I hope they can get some counseling, that the various issues can get worked out, and the marriage slowly rebuilt into something loving and Godly. Obviously, not something that will happen overnight.
 
Prayer

I humbly pray to the Most Holy Trinity, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the angels and saints to help you and your wife. May God Bless you! Amen
 
Xantippe said:
This couple has a lot of problems. The OP seems to have anger issues, he has very recently suspected his wife of cheating, and he’s had long-term unemployment (5+ years). From my look at the old posts, it seems to me that the lack of sex is just the cherry on a huge sundae of marital problems.
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The bolded portion is WAY out of line. Do you have any idea how much of a low blow that is? I know you were just meaning to just give information to other posters, but what you did is make the poor guy feel like mud. 😦
 
Prodigal Son,

His unemployment is an objective fact and it’s probably a large contributing factor to his wife’s lack of interest in him. It’s not at all unfair or wrong to indicate to the OP that that is probably part of the problem.
 
Xantippe said:
Prodigal Son,

His unemployment is an objective fact and it’s probably a large contributing factor to his wife’s lack of interest in him. It’s not at all unfair or wrong to indicate to the OP that that is probably part of the problem.
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Whenever a man is unemployed, it makes him feel like less of a man, and touches at very deep insecurities. To talk about this publicly, but not directly to him, is experienced as shaming.

Would you talk in the same way about a woman’s finding herself unable to breastfeed, or about a man lacking a testicle? These sorts of things ought not be mentioned about other people, unless the people themselves bring them up. If people give skewed advice based on false assumptions about a situation, you can take this up directly with the person being advised. Public shaming is never the way.
 
Prodigal Son,

People were offering advice in good faith assuming a fairly average situation.

heidi_storage, for instance, said “But she ought to be having sex with him, unless there is some good reason not to do so; Paul in 1 Corinthians talks about how spouses should not abstain, except mutually for short periods to devote themselves to spiritual things. Yes, of course he should work on himself and being a better husband, but why are people lecturing him for wanting sex with his wife? Seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me.”

I think people needed to have information from the OP’s posting history in order to be able to better understand the situation and give advice that fits the particular situation. This was not private information.

Also, you’re sweeping under the rug the fact that the OP has very recently accused his wife of infidelity. When he says, “I have changed. But my wife hasn’t!!!” about the fact that he is yelling less at his wife, he’s conveniently forgetting the fact that less than two months ago, he was suspecting his wife of adultery. Also, about a month ago, he was asking whether it would be a sin to spank an almost 13-year-old child.

Go ahead and look here (even just at the subject lines and the dates) and tell me I’m being unfair to the OP:

forums.catholic-questions.org/search.php?searchid=19571142
 
Xantippe said:
Also, you’re sweeping under the rug the fact that the OP has very recently accused his wife of infidelity.
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I didn’t sweep this under the rug, and I didn’t say that it was irrelevant. I have nothing against your mentioning it.
 
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