I have fallen so so low. PLEASE help me!

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Moonshyne

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Hello everyone,

I am the 37 year old mom of three beautiful children that the Lord blessed me with. I am engaged to their father (yes, we had children and lived together before marraige) We do plan to marry in September next year.

I am in a very dark time in my life and have been for the last years. I had a very hard life. My mother was an alcoholic/pain killer addict who I tried for years to save. She had a heart of gold and would help anyone but could never help herself. She died 6 years ago. It was her death that changed me forever. More on that in a minute. I was also physically and sexually abused. My soul is scarred badly from all I endured.

Growing up in a crazy house was not easy. I found myself very scarred in the aftermath. My parents had split, my father and I no longer were close as we were, I was severely depressed and anxiety ridden…and life was chaos and pain. But once my mother died it got a lot worse. Two years after she passed I had my first child. I felt so lucky, so blessed but when she was 3 months old I fell pregnant with my middle child, a son. When he was born he was colicky and I became very overwhelmed…aside from never getting over my moms death, I had no one to help. I struggled to mother 2 very small babies with NO help. I also was diagnosed with spinal stenosos a very painful condition when my son was a baby. I was prescribed oxycontin. I soon became very addicted to these painkillers. They took my pain away - both physical and mental. I spiralled downward and have never been able to get those pills out of my life.

Today I still struggle!!! I am on methadone but also take pain pills on top. I spend way too much money on them and am in financial ruin over them! Its all my fault. I cant seem to be happy without them. Deep in my heart I am in so much pain that being without any pain meds I feel angry, anxious, sad, depressed and cannot deal with life. I feel like a failure as a mom, a person, a wife…everything! No one would guess my turmoil. On the outside I appear normal and loving mother but inside I am dying.

I always believed in God since I was small and still do but am so ASHAMED. I could have been so much more in life but I let the pain and anguish from my youth affect me badly throughout my adulthood until this addiction started years ago. I feel so far away from God even though as I say my nighty prayers with my kids “Now I lay me down to sleep” and tell them about God I feel like I have lost God. Like I am just a failure and wonder why I was even born. I want to change so badly. I want to be so much better then I am. I have so much self loathing and regret for all I have done. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be redeemed and fix my destroyed life. I dont evven know where to start! I had so many dreams and so much potential and have thrown it all away. I graduated despite living a nightmare at home. I started out after graduation getting a great job and doing well…but my past caught up with me and so much pain. SO MUCH PAIN. Hurt me to my soul and led me to become what I have…a shell of my former self.

Please…where do I start? How do I find my way to a life of happiness? How do I become the person I want to be? Someone my kids can be proud of? I NEED to change for them and for me. I just feel so overwhelmed because there is so much I need to fix…everything from stopping relying on pills to feel happy to becoming a better housekeeper…and everything in between. I feel lost and dont know where to go from here. I just know that I want so so so badly to change and be successful and make a good life for my family. I am scared I dont have the strength to do it I used to be so strong and smart…I have lost so much of what I was…help me please.
 
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you but would like to offer up this prayer.

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
THANK YOU! Just to finally see one reply makes me feel better.
 
I pray for you. But I do know that those are very addictive meds you’re on. I don’t see how you can physically just stop them without a physician helping you. You truly sound like you’re at a point where you’re willing to say “I need help stopping these”. If you haven’t already used those words to a doctor, make an appointment and say those words. You can’t stop cold turkey on those, you know that. You’ll end up in withdrawals and you won’t be able to function (at the best). At the worst, you can become ill, have seizures, etc… Then you might end up caving, taking them and possibly OD’ing.

It sounds like you won’t be able to go to an inhouse rehab due to having young children, but there are many that cater to those with kids and you can go on a daily basis. But really, get some help on weaning yourself off of them. “Weaning” is the key with those drugs. And a firm mindset. Attend Mass daily if you can, for the mental anguish. It helps!

I wish you the best, and I will pray for you.
 
You will definitely get responses here:)
It’s good you are opening up to this forum. But dont put too much hope in advice only. First thing you can do is attend Mass. It is the highest prayer in the world. Every Mass gives special attention to our anxieties. We all face them. If you dont let our Lord take them, they will just add up. If you are not Catholic, just go and ask the Lord to open up your heart, and calm yourself. He will speak when you quiet all the anxiety making noise;)

Dont be overwhelmed with your shame. If your sorrow is not leading you to healing, then it is the devil just kicking you while you are down. Jesus is down here with us:) i will look back to hear how you are doing. Stick around here, it is good fellowship.

God open your heart and heal your soul,
Michael
 
I suffer from chronic pain and used to take oxycontin/kadian. I stopped taking them, but that was a personal choice and it was related to how I wanted to treat the pain. If you have to take pain medication for severe and debilitating chronic pain, then your real struggle is going to be finding the right balance of medication, not stopping them.

From what you wrote, however, I would be very concerned about how you are using them. These drugs are not for your emotional well-being. You should only take what you need to manage the physical pain. Anything more than that will go to the receptors which will make you high, and that leads to the psychological addiction. Physical dependence, while difficult, is not really a huge deal to overcome. But psychological addiction will plague you for life if you are not careful.

The good news is that you obviously realize this and understand the danger. But if you suffer from debilitating pain, then you shouldn’t compare yourself to a drug user who takes drugs for no other reason than to get high. You took this medication for legitimate reasons and, because of your childhood, it seems to have gotten out of hand. Yet you still have a legitimate reason to take pain meds. Your problem is with managing them. There exist pain clinics who can do that for you.

Because you grew up in a household of addiction, you are greatly predisposed to this. Your doctor needs to understand this and help you find the right way to manage the pain without risking the ruin of your life. You also might want to seek help at an Anon group, which most Catholic parishes seem to host.
 
We put our hope in the Lord
He is our protector and our help.
We are glad because of Him.
We trust in His holy Name.
May your constant love be with us, Lord.
as we put our hope in You.

Psalm 33: 20-22
 
“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”

Thoreau
 
Moonshyne said:
Hello everyone,

I am the 37 year old mom of three beautiful children that the Lord blessed me with. I am engaged to their father (yes, we had children and lived together before marraige) We do plan to marry in September next year.

I am in a very dark time in my life and have been for the last years. I had a very hard life. My mother was an alcoholic/pain killer addict who I tried for years to save. She had a heart of gold and would help anyone but could never help herself. She died 6 years ago. It was her death that changed me forever. More on that in a minute. I was also physically and sexually abused. My soul is scarred badly from all I endured.

Growing up in a crazy house was not easy. I found myself very scarred in the aftermath. My parents had split, my father and I no longer were close as we were, I was severely depressed and anxiety ridden…and life was chaos and pain. But once my mother died it got a lot worse. Two years after she passed I had my first child. I felt so lucky, so blessed but when she was 3 months old I fell pregnant with my middle child, a son. When he was born he was colicky and I became very overwhelmed…aside from never getting over my moms death, I had no one to help. I struggled to mother 2 very small babies with NO help. I also was diagnosed with spinal stenosos a very painful condition when my son was a baby. I was prescribed oxycontin. I soon became very addicted to these painkillers. They took my pain away - both physical and mental. I spiralled downward and have never been able to get those pills out of my life.

Today I still struggle!!! I am on methadone but also take pain pills on top. I spend way too much money on them and am in financial ruin over them! Its all my fault. I cant seem to be happy without them. Deep in my heart I am in so much pain that being without any pain meds I feel angry, anxious, sad, depressed and cannot deal with life. I feel like a failure as a mom, a person, a wife…everything! No one would guess my turmoil. On the outside I appear normal and loving mother but inside I am dying.

I always believed in God since I was small and still do but am so ASHAMED. I could have been so much more in life but I let the pain and anguish from my youth affect me badly throughout my adulthood until this addiction started years ago. I feel so far away from God even though as I say my nighty prayers with my kids “Now I lay me down to sleep” and tell them about God I feel like I have lost God. Like I am just a failure and wonder why I was even born. I want to change so badly. I want to be so much better then I am. I have so much self loathing and regret for all I have done. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be redeemed and fix my destroyed life. I dont evven know where to start! I had so many dreams and so much potential and have thrown it all away. I graduated despite living a nightmare at home. I started out after graduation getting a great job and doing well…but my past caught up with me and so much pain. SO MUCH PAIN. Hurt me to my soul and led me to become what I have…a shell of my former self.

Please…where do I start? How do I find my way to a life of happiness? How do I become the person I want to be? Someone my kids can be proud of? I NEED to change for them and for me. I just feel so overwhelmed because there is so much I need to fix…everything from stopping relying on pills to feel happy to becoming a better housekeeper…and everything in between. I feel lost and dont know where to go from here. I just know that I want so so so badly to change and be successful and make a good life for my family. I am scared I dont have the strength to do it I used to be so strong and smart…I have lost so much of what I was…help me please.
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Pray the Holy Rosary
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
I can’t answer many of your questions, but the reason you were born is because the creator of this world knew it would be better with you than without you. I don’t know whether you are a Catholic, but regardless, it is never to late to change, never to late to bring your hurt, pain and past to the Lord( if Catholic in sacramental confession) never to late to feel his Love, and accept his forgiveness.

May the Lord the good shepherd, the father who always waits for his children to come home, bless and enfold you now and always.
 
Going to Church is a good start, but also maybe you should consider seeing a Priest or other denominational Pastor for some counseling and/or help on how to better handle all that is going on in your life. If the Pastor isn’t able to handle or advise, he will surely be able to direct you to help & resources elsewhere. There are lots of resources out there for those needing help. The trick is, in finding them.

I will pray that you will get the help you need - God bless you!!

~~Prairie Rose
 

I agree you need to seek some counseling and get on non addicting emotionally stabilizing medication. I think that would be the beginning. Continue to pray as soon as helping yourself, you will see the changes and the blessings God has already given you and that is what you should focus on. When you are feeling hopeless stop what you are doing and say a prayer, speak with God.​

St Jude, apostle and faithful servant of Jesus, intercede for me in this time of need. I pray to you as an advocate for those most in need of God’s mercy. When situations are difficult & at times may even seem hopeless, you invite us to realize God’s Divine presence. Come to the assistance of all those who call on you in faith. In your name I praise Father, Son and Holy Spirit, with all the angels and saints, for God’s gifts of faith, hope, & love.
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
:hug1:

Pray, go to Mass and find a good therapist.

Therapy can be so, so helpful to in dealing, even all these years later, with a chaotic childhood. And a good therapist should be able to help you find resources to deal with the addiction issues.

Saying a prayer for you.
 
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