I Have Had It!!!

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Angel7

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I just want to let loose some steam here.

I (believe) I have scrupulousity.
I think I have had it for over 2 years.

AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I’m tired of writing down everything I do that is sinful on a piece of paper.
Some of the things I write down are embarrsing situations, and hard to confess.
I think I have OCD for cleanliness too.
So whenever I fail to take care of myself (like holding it in for too long)
I think it is a sin.
Whenever I feel like my Brown Scapular gets dirty, I’m afraid it is sinful.
Whenever I hand something to someone, and I think it’s dirty, and I don’t tell them. I think it is a sin!

I’m tired of going through this every day. Especially with other issues,
I feel guilty for my faults and sins.

I have serious issues with Pride, and Especially with Slothfulness.
I sometimes don’t feel like praying, one time I didn’t.
sometimes when I hear that someone is in danger, I want to pray for them, but I don’t feel like it.

I don’t want prayer to be like this. I wish I had more energy (will) to do things.
Whenever an Issue comes up, and I want some advice, I leave it for another time, and I never get the help I want.

Untill recently, I’ve stopped trying to enjoy life. Untill recently, I viewed life as a difficult challenge. I just wanted to avoid sin, and do as much good as I possibly could while I am here. I even thought of suicide (did not think of commiting) just this morning, what really made me say no to that tought was the fact that I might end up in he–… and the pain it would cause to my parents.

I don’t want to live like this. I feel like I don’t have the right to complain, because my sins/faults are something I (With The Help of God) can diminish. If anything, what I really am complaining about is my OCD and Scrupulousity. I tell few about it, my parents don’t know.

I have spent MONTHS without Recieving The Lord, In The Blessed Sacrament. The last time I Recieved was during The Easter Vigil Mass. I also spent many more months not Recieving before The Easter Vigil Mass.

I am restricted In Recieving The Sacrament of Reconciliation. To twice a year. I am grateful that I have been able to go maybe 5 times this year, secretly. (This involved lying to my dad a couple of times, and my mom having to lie to him too)

I guess I am asking for help, but I don’t know what to expect.
 
I know somewhat how you feel. My girlfriend can act like that sometimes, so I know how frustrated you must feel :o

Here’s my advice:

Pray a lot. A lot. Pray for help with your OCD. Start praying the Rosary, if don’t already. Make friends with Mary 😃

Also, speak with your parents about your (possible) OCD. Maybe you can get in to see a physciatrist (sp.). I convinced my girlfriend to go and it does seem to be making a difference.

Also, may I ask why you are restricted to Confession twice a year? Is your dad (or both parents) non-Catholic? You don’t have to answer 👍

I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but it has to be said: Even though your dad restricts the times you can go to Confession (I’m assuming this is the case), you should still try to go as much as possible. The well-being of your soul outweighs obeying your dad on this one (my opinion. I could be wrong. If I am, someone please correct me! :)). Also, if you go to Confession more, you can get the Eucharist more, which I’m willing to bet will help your OCD a little 🙂

Lastly, say daily Acts of Contrition and have heart to heart talks with Jesus. He is your best friend after all 😃

Rely on the Lord with all this. He’ll see you through.
 
Angel7 said:
I just want to let loose some steam here.

I (believe) I have scrupulousity.
I think I have had it for over 2 years.

AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I’m tired of writing down everything I do that is sinful on a piece of paper.
Some of the things I write down are embarrsing situations, and hard to confess.
I think I have OCD for cleanliness too.
Click to expand...
Sucks. Btw, any “sins” you may do that are not on purpose are not sins. What makes a sin a sin is if it was a) done on purpose and with a rational and free mind b) you knew it was a sin, so technically there is no need to confess any “sins” that you didn’t do on purpose
Angel7 said:
So whenever I fail to take care of myself (like holding it in for too long)
I think it is a sin.
Click to expand...
It’s not, so don’t worry about it
Angel7 said:
Whenever I feel like my Brown Scapular gets dirty, I’m afraid it is sinful.
Click to expand...
It’s not, so don’t worry about it
Angel7 said:
Whenever I hand something to someone, and I think it’s dirty, and I don’t tell them. I think it is a sin!
Click to expand...
It’s not, so don’t worry about it
Angel7 said:
I’m tired of going through this every day. Especially with other issues,
I feel guilty for my faults and sins.
Click to expand...
Hey man, it sucks. But to give up would be exactly what Satan wants. OCD/the scruples is a way for a soul to get so tired of trying to reach God that it just gives up, and falls into despair. Don’t give up.
Angel7 said:
I have serious issues with Pride, and Especially with Slothfulness.
I sometimes don’t feel like praying, one time I didn’t.
sometimes when I hear that someone is in danger, I want to pray for them, but I don’t feel like it.
Click to expand...
Hey man, set aside a special time in the day to pray for them then. it doesn’t have to be right then and there, and at night when you finish your pray just say “Lord, for anyone I forgot to pray for, bless them, help them and guide them to the end for which you made them” or some variation. Even “God, do help those who I forgot to pray for” would be ok. Even if you don’t remember them God will. He knows what you want even before you say it. If you feel like praying for them then and there then do it, if it is prudent to do so. But if not, don’t beat yourself up. I myself and I am sure everyone on this forum has the same thing happen to them. It’s not your fault, it’s just a human thing. We get tired, it sucks but it happens.
Angel7 said:
I don’t want prayer to be like this. I wish I had more energy (will) to do things.
Whenever an Issue comes up, and I want some advice, I leave it for another time, and I never get the help I want.
Click to expand...
Same thing as above for other requests. Keep what is most important at the forefront. Other than that don’t worry too much. You’re doing a good job, I am sure. Prayer is asking God to help others, not a magic spell that helps people. So don’t worry. You can ask God anything at anytime, because God is timeless.
Angel7 said:
Untill recently, I’ve stopped trying to enjoy life. Untill recently, I viewed life as a difficult challenge. I just wanted to avoid sin, and do as much good as I possibly could while I am here. I even thought of suicide (did not think of commiting) just this morning, what really made me say no to that tought was the fact that I might end up in he–… and the pain it would cause to my parents.
Click to expand...
Again, the devil is trying to get you where he wants you, hence the suicidal inclination. You’re tired and he is going to use that against you. The solution? Ease up and don’t be too hard on yourself in this.
Angel7 said:
I don’t want to live like this. I feel like I don’t have the right to complain, because my sins/faults are something I (With The Help of God) can diminish. If anything, what I really am complaining about is my OCD and Scrupulousity. I tell few about it, my parents don’t know.
Click to expand...
**See a psychiatrist **or fight your OCD by just not doing what you are compelled to do (harder than it sounds of course). Don’t try to fight bad thoughts too much, it only makes them stronger in force. It’s like if I say to you, don’t think of a pink elephant…well, you just thought of one. In the same way if you say “don’t think impure thoughts” you will think of them. Just try not to bother. If they come, ignore them. If they wont go away, let them be.
Angel7 said:
I have spent MONTHS without Recieving The Lord, In The Blessed Sacrament. The last time I Recieved was during The Easter Vigil Mass. I also spent many more months not Recieving before The Easter Vigil Mass.

I am restricted In Recieving The Sacrament of Reconciliation. To twice a year. I am grateful that I have been able to go maybe 5 times this year, secretly. (This involved lying to my dad a couple of times, and my mom having to lie to him too)

I guess I am asking for help, but I don’t know what to expect.
Click to expand...
Speak to your priest. Go to confession (the above poster may be right here about doing this in spite of your father), otherwise find a better way to sneak out and go to confession. Receive the Eucharist. You need God now more than ever. The Eucharist is not just a reward, we **need **it, as you can clearly see. That’s not to say receive it even if you are in mortal sin, but don’t view it as a reward for good behavior. You may have to come out and tell your father about your Catholicity, but that is for you to decide, I don’t know your situation.

Don’t give up, fight the good fight, and most of all have hope. You are a child of God, He will not abandon you. Every night pray to Him to help you with your OCD.
 
I can understand where you are coming from. In the past, I suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. Fighting for my life made me realize that all the petty little things mean nothing. Being upset takes your eyes off of the Lord. During my time receiving chemo I wore a cruxifix of our Lord and when I wanted to whine and complain I would look at the cross and remember how He suffered and died for me, and that there is nothing that I can suffer from that compares to the pain that He endured on the cross for us all. Carry a pocket Cross with our Lord on in it, and when you feel like you want to scream pull it out and look at it and remember what He did for you.
 
Is the reason that you are restricted to confession twice a year because your parents know that you are scrupulous?

You need to have a serious talk with your parents. The fact that thoughts of suicide have entered your mind indicates a serious problem.

Prayer is good, but sometimes medical intervention is necessary.

I hope you get help and learn to enjoy your life. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are meant to be shared. If you lack joy and peace, you cannot possibly share with others.
 
Oh, wow…no, no, no, NO, you are not a sinner…NO!
PLEASE go and ask for help, please? You are not in sin, you are obviously in anguish, and you have done NOTHING wrong…

Untill recently, I’ve stopped trying to enjoy life. Untill recently, I viewed life as a difficult challenge. I just wanted to avoid sin, and do as much good as I possibly could while I am here. I even thought of suicide (did not think of commiting) just this morning, what really made me say no to that tought was the fact that I might end up in he–… and the pain it would cause to my parents.

I have been there, done that, bought the tee shirt…and NO, PLEASE do NOT be afraid to tell your parents, or an adult who will help you…from what you are describing, you need to see a doctor, especially if you are thinking about self-harm.

***Go. Tell your parents, I am sure they will listen, they love you, you are their heart, as my son is my heart…if you can’t tell them, tell SOMEONE.
Please??
OT…what’s scrupulosity?? You have lost me there, my friend…
 
coolduude said:
Scrupulosity is basically religious OCD.
Click to expand...
Oh, ok. I see. Thank you for the explanation.
It REALLY sounds like she (?) needs medical attention, pronto…sorry. just my take.

I do hope everything works out well for you,OP, whatever you decide…
 
Angel7 said:
I just want to let loose some steam here.

I (believe) I have scrupulousity.
I think I have had it for over 2 years.

AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I’m tired of writing down everything I do that is sinful on a piece of paper.
Some of the things I write down are embarrsing situations, and hard to confess.
I think I have OCD for cleanliness too.
So whenever I fail to take care of myself (like holding it in for too long)
I think it is a sin.
Whenever I feel like my Brown Scapular gets dirty, I’m afraid it is sinful.
Whenever I hand something to someone, and I think it’s dirty, and I don’t tell them. I think it is a sin!

I’m tired of going through this every day. Especially with other issues,
I feel guilty for my faults and sins.

…
Click to expand...
Just about every example you cited as sins and issues with cleanliness are things I struggle with. Except I think I probably have it worse off than you. I usually have to leave it to others to wash the dishes because I’ll end up washing them for about an hour and a half – until the skin on my hands are all shriveled and peeling.

Sexual sins are something I especially freak out over. I wonder if it’s a sin to enjoy it when someone hugs me or to let my dog sit on my lap or find someone attractive.

I’ve gotten to the point where I wonder if it’s okay to enjoy being sad or enjoy sad scenes in movies.

Every single time I find myself enjoying something, I guarantee you that I can stop and find a reason why it’s sinful. I feel like I’m constantly stumbling over sin. I often feel like it’s hopeless – and then I remember, wait, despair is a sin, too!

I haven’t gone to communion since January. I wanted to go during the Easter season, but I knew I had to go to confession first. And I haven’t been able to bring myself to go because – like you said – so much of this is embarrassing and horrible to say. And there always ends up being a reason that my confession was invalid – like the priest forgot to give the blessing or I left something out.

All I can do is hope that God understands how difficult and stressful it is for me and forgives me for not going to communion during Easter.
 
Indyann said:
Is the reason that you are restricted to confession twice a year because your parents know that you are scrupulous?

You need to have a serious talk with your parents. The fact that thoughts of suicide have entered your mind indicates a serious problem.

Prayer is good, but sometimes medical intervention is necessary.

I hope you get help and learn to enjoy your life. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are meant to be shared. If you lack joy and peace, you cannot possibly share with others.
Click to expand...
No, I think it is because they have seen a sudden rise in how religious I have become.
 
Angel7 said:
I just want to let loose some steam here.

I (believe) I have scrupulousity.
I think I have had it for over 2 years.

AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I’m tired of writing down everything I do that is sinful on a piece of paper.
Some of the things I write down are embarrsing situations, and hard to confess.
I think I have OCD for cleanliness too.
So whenever I fail to take care of myself (like holding it in for too long)
I think it is a sin.
Whenever I feel like my Brown Scapular gets dirty, I’m afraid it is sinful.
Whenever I hand something to someone, and I think it’s dirty, and I don’t tell them. I think it is a sin!

I’m tired of going through this every day. Especially with other issues,
I feel guilty for my faults and sins.

I have serious issues with Pride, and Especially with Slothfulness.
I sometimes don’t feel like praying, one time I didn’t.
sometimes when I hear that someone is in danger, I want to pray for them, but I don’t feel like it.

I don’t want prayer to be like this. I wish I had more energy (will) to do things.
Whenever an Issue comes up, and I want some advice, I leave it for another time, and I never get the help I want.

Untill recently, I’ve stopped trying to enjoy life. Untill recently, I viewed life as a difficult challenge. I just wanted to avoid sin, and do as much good as I possibly could while I am here. I even thought of suicide (did not think of commiting) just this morning, what really made me say no to that tought was the fact that I might end up in he–… and the pain it would cause to my parents.

I don’t want to live like this. I feel like I don’t have the right to complain, because my sins/faults are something I (With The Help of God) can diminish. If anything, what I really am complaining about is my OCD and Scrupulousity. I tell few about it, my parents don’t know.

I have spent MONTHS without Recieving The Lord, In The Blessed Sacrament. The last time I Recieved was during The Easter Vigil Mass. I also spent many more months not Recieving before The Easter Vigil Mass.

I am restricted In Recieving The Sacrament of Reconciliation. To twice a year. I am grateful that I have been able to go maybe 5 times this year, secretly. (This involved lying to my dad a couple of times, and my mom having to lie to him too)

I guess I am asking for help, but I don’t know what to expect.
Click to expand...
Hi Angel7;

I can’t help but notice that any discussion of the essence of God, ie. love, is absent in your post. Obeying all of the “rules” is fine, but learning to love God is so much better. So here are my thoughts:

#1 - If you really love God and want to be with Him in heaven, you will be.

#2 - If you want to stop sinning, you probably won’t be able to, at least with the small venial ones. You have a fallen nature like everyone. You are correct in not liking sin, but you have an inborn tendency to sin that you’ll just have to get used to. Once you accept it, you can accept the sacrificial gift of Jesus even more! and love him even more. He knows you are not perfect, so stop trying to be. Just learn to love him. Take your time.

#3 - No amount of sinning will ever preempt or nullify rule #1.

#4 - Much of what you describe is not sinful, but more in the category of obsessive-compulsive. I think others can help you with this, as has been pointed out.

PS. My brown scapular is well worn and more than a bit dirty. I have replaced the original strings with leather laces when they broke. And I don’t care who thinks this is weird.

Peace to you, Tim
 
Angel7

Hi, I could have written the post you wrote. I’m sure you are reading this because those of us with OCD read every detail when we are searching desperately for something.
I have OCD and scrupleosity. For years now. It CANNOT be dealt with on your own. You will not get well that way. I can tell you some things that are very helpful and are almost universally recommended.
  1. ALWAYS when you have any thoughts of suicide or even *thinking about thinking *about suicide you must tell someone in charge of you. This means parents (if you are a minor), your priest, therapist, spouse, psychiatrist, trusted boss at work if possible etc. Someone who can make necessary changes to keep you safe. This is God’s will for you. Suicide can be and often is a mortal sin depending on the level of mental illness. Do not take that awful chance. The Lord gave us our bodies and they are to glorify Him. They are not meant for us to hurt or abuse. I know this is not your intention.
  2. Tell your mother/father that you are distressed and want to see a counselor. You do not have to explain yourself completely. Knowing you are depressed when you tell them # 1 will be enough. Then tell the counselor about your struggles at your own pace.
  3. Be accepting if your are prescribed some medication at some point. SSRI s like Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor etc. are EXTREMELY helpful for people with OCD/Scrupleosity. Almost no other meds are. I take Zoloft currently. It handles abiout 60% of the suffering. I have taken some combination of meds and been in counseling for 10 years. You may not need treatment this long but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and an SSRI are considered the Gold Standard of care for OCD.
  4. Check out Scrupulous Anonymous It is a free newsletter once a month sent out by the Lingouri ( the Redemptorists) For people like you and me. VERY helpful. Their patron is St Alphonsus Lingouri. He had severe scrulpleosity. Did you notice he is a saint? Look up his writings. They are full of the love and mercy of God. You can trust them. He has been named a Doctor of the Church.
  5. Join the OCD/Scruplosity group here at Catholic Answers. You will be in very good company.
  6. Very Important. Go to your priest and ask if you can meet with him privately. Then ask him if you could talk to him about some religious stuff may be once a month or so. Keep it casual be relaxed He won’t mind. Then you ask him about certain"sins" if they need to be confessed or not and tell him what your parents said. Then DO what he says. It is inadvisable for scrupulous people to repeatedly go to confession for a number of reasons that I won’t go into here but you can PM me if you want.
  7. Keep God calmly in your heart and mind throughout the day speaking to Him only as a trusted friend not as a judge.He knows your heart and mind are wounded right now.
    8)Show this post to your parents and your priest to help explain yourself it it is helpful to do so.
-I will keep you in my prayers
Maria
 
TheQuestioner said:
Sucks. Btw, any “sins” you may do that are not on purpose are not sins. What makes a sin a sin is if it was a) done on purpose and with a rational and free mind b) you knew it was a sin, so technically there is no need to confess any “sins” that you didn’t do on purpose
.
Click to expand...
You are describing mortal sin. Venial sins do not have to be intentional, although they may be. They also do not have to be confessed. If you have not committed a mortal sin, then you should receive the Eucharist, as it forgives venial sin (presuming you are contrite) and will give you strength to overcome these trials.

I find it helpful to refer to an exam of conscience that distinguishes between grave matter (which is a condition for mortal sin) and venial sins. So if I am worried that I committed a mortal sin by, say, staying in bed five minutes after my alarm went off, and I check my exam of conscience and it doesn’t list staying in bed for five minutes, but instead lists things like murder, premarital sex, skipping Mass on Sunday for no good reason, etc, then I will assume the sin was not grave matter, and I will receive the Eucharist. And sometimes you have to just find a way to be at peace with feeling a bit uneasy … paradoxical as that may sound … to put your trust in God and not in how you feel.

We have to have faith in God, that He knows our weakness and wants us to be saved. He is not looking for ways to trip us up.
 
Angel,

Here’s a great quote to dwell on, from then Cardinal Ratzinger: “The person who is bound to God, who has this uninterrupted conversation, can dare to respond to these challenges, and no longer has fear. For the person who stands in God’s hands always falls into God’s hands. And so fear vanishes, and in its place is born the courage to respond to today’s world.”

We’re all wretched…BUT we must face the real truth that brings true joy: that God is a real loving Father.

God doesn’t want you/me to spend y/our time writing down sins and worrying. He wants you to be loving, giving yourself to Him and to others in joyful abandonment. When we fall, we begin again with a smile and the sure knowledge that He is a loving Father who smiles every time we get up.

God wants us to be joyful because we’re His children. Just as any father would. God needs us NOT to worry…because when we worry…we don’t grow…AND importantly we can’t help bring others to Him.

Talk to God more…“right now I am worried that I’ve sinned and displeased you. You know I love you. Help me to get out of myself and help others…”

I recommend finding a good spiritual director. Ask you Guardian Angel to help you find a good one.
 
I can’t get a Spiritual Director. I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t let me.
Keep in mind I’m not an adult, I don’t have the resources adults have.
 
Angel7 said:
I can’t get a Spiritual Director. I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t let me.
Keep in mind I’m not an adult, I don’t have the resources adults have.
Click to expand...
God understands that. He will not hold you accountable for not doing what you are unable to do.

Do you have a good examination of conscience that you can use to determine when you have committed a sin that is grave matter? Here is the one I use: catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf It is by far the most detailed that I have been able to find on the web. If you have not committed any of the sins listed as grave matter, then you should receive the Eucharist.
 
TheQuestioner said:
It’s not, so don’t worry about it

It’s not, so don’t worry about it

It’s not, so don’t worry about it
Click to expand...
so getting The Brown Scapular dirty in anyway or thing (and I mean ANY way or thing) is not a sin?
I’m not obliged to clean it?
It is not a sin for me to go into an area where The Brown Scapular is likely to get dirty?
 
Angel7 said:
so getting The Brown Scapular dirty in anyway or thing (and I mean ANY way or thing) is not a sin?
I’m not obliged to clean it?
It is not a sin for me to go into an area where The Brown Scapular is likely to get dirty?
Click to expand...
With the possible exception of using it as a diaper wipe, no, getting a Brown Scapular dirty is not a sin.

You may attempt to clean it if you wish, but you are not obliged to clean it if it is too worn or dirty. It can be burned or buried and replaced. Additionally, the blessing transfers to the new scapular.

No, it is not a sin to go into an area where the Brown Scapular might get dirty. Is it not under your clothing anyway?

Betsy
 
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