I have lost all motivation

[Trident_H]

You don’t do it for fun and you don’t even like it? That sounds like a compulsion, not a solution. The idea that " I have to stay away from people because I always cause them pain" and “I’m on my own island so I’ll make the rules while I’m here” are also red flags. This is not how the Body of Christ works.

Self-mastery does not work the way you are describing, but you are indeed talking about challenges that are out of my depth. I am really concerned about you. This is a vale of tears, yes, but you sound as if you are running rapids with your kayak sideways. I am not being flippant; I mean to say I am concerned that you are doing your honest best but not the best that would be possible if you knew what you were about. Not drowning is indeed no small feat when you lack certain skills necessary to run rapids, but you might want to get to a shore and talk to someone who can really help you. When you exhaust yourself–and you almost certainly will–you will go through times no one here wants you to go through. Try to get some help in finding the missing pieces, OK?

See here you are giving fantastic advice and here I am simply looking off to the side and mumbling someting inane. I appreciate your concern. I really do. I want you to know there is more going on here. I want you to know that I care about what you say. That I even came to this site in a way to get this kind of reasoning. So it would be awfully stupid for me to now ignore it or turn my back. (So watch me now be awfully stupid) I do not have the kind of strength or knowledge you have about all things holy and good, but what I do know is me. Right now what I am doing is keeping me asexual and that is what I need at this point. I know what you are are saying is right, but it also sounds hard. And I don’t do well with things that are hard. I think I do. I plan to. But always I start out strong and just ebb away. I’m like a sprinter who gets distracted on his way to the finish line and instead finds himself at the mall eating ice cream. I think it is a very fine line with me to be risking that I can go and try to be normal. I don’t think I can.

So this is me thanking you for your advice. And this is me promising to do better. But honestly, this is still me. I’ve fooled myself enough times–I don’t need to start trying to fool you too. I will keep taking my ‘medicine’ and be as good as I can be, but let’s be clear: that is on a pretty relative scale.

Another thing you should know is that I have this habit of making everything about me. That is a bad habit and I am working really hard to break it, but whenever I catch myself doing it I try to point it out. I think I am starting to do that here. In this thread, which is supposed to be about solutions for the OP. So it might be better for everyone if I let you have the last word here and I just kept my circular reasoning skills to myself for the rest of this.

Thank you again for your deep kindness. I promise you it is not going to be ignored–maybe just set aside for a bit, but not ignored. I will eventually try to slowly ease towards shore, but don’t be surprised if I suddenly get confused and end up back in the rapids–where isolation brings its own sort of comfort.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[EasterJoy]

See here you are giving fantastic advice and here I am simply looking off to the side and mumbling someting inane. I appreciate your concern. I really do. I want you to know there is more going on here. I want you to know that I care about what you say. That I even came to this site in a way to get this kind of reasoning. So it would be awfully stupid for me to now ignore it or turn my back. (So watch me now be awfully stupid) I do not have the kind of strength or knowledge you have about all things holy and good, but what I do know is me. Right now what I am doing is keeping me asexual and that is what I need at this point. I know what you are are saying is right, but it also sounds hard. And I don’t do well with things that are hard. I think I do. I plan to. But always I start out strong and just ebb away. I’m like a sprinter who gets distracted on his way to the finish line and instead finds himself at the mall eating ice cream. I think it is a very fine line with me to be risking that I can go and try to be normal. I don’t think I can.

So this is me thanking you for your advice. And this is me promising to do better. But honestly, this is still me. I’ve fooled myself enough times–I don’t need to start trying to fool you too. I will keep taking my ‘medicine’ and be as good as I can be, but let’s be clear: that is on a pretty relative scale.

Another thing you should know is that I have this habit of making everything about me. That is a bad habit and I am working really hard to break it, but whenever I catch myself doing it I try to point it out. I think I am starting to do that here. In this thread, which is supposed to be about solutions for the OP. So it might be better for everyone if I let you have the last word here and I just kept my circular reasoning skills to myself for the rest of this.

Thank you again for your deep kindness. I promise you it is not going to be ignored–maybe just set aside for a bit, but not ignored. I will eventually try to slowly ease towards shore, but don’t be surprised if I suddenly get confused and end up back in the rapids–where isolation brings its own sort of comfort.

Peace.

-Trident

I would suggest this: Finding someone who does know what he is about to listen to the details of what you are going through and offer advice does not take control from you about how to handle your situation. You can get more information without having to “do as you are told.”

A horse trapped in a burning barn can only be lead out with difficulty, and sometimes it takes a blindfold to get the horse to trust you enough to come out. Horses lead out of burning barns have been known to respond to the terror of a barn fire by running back into their barns. This is all true. What is also true, however, is that a horse that doesn’t run immediately out of a burning barn of its own volition will probably never come out on its own. The emotions of fear, meant to save it from harm, work against the animal in that particular case. Your emotions, given to you for a good reason, may be working against you now. Time may mend that, but the chances are not remote that time will not help at all.

Go find someone to listen to you and to give you feedback. After you have heard what is offered, you will still be just as free to do what you would have done without the feedback, if you want to. Think about it.

 

[Trident_H]

I would suggest this: Finding someone who does know what he is about to listen to the details of what you are going through and offer advice does not take control from you about how to handle your situation. You can get more information without having to “do as you are told.”

A horse trapped in a burning barn can only be lead out with difficulty, and sometimes it takes a blindfold to get the horse to trust you enough to come out. Horses lead out of burning barns have been known to respond to the terror of a barn fire by running back into their barns. This is all true. What is also true, however, is that a horse that doesn’t run immediately out of a burning barn of its own volition will probably never come out on its own. The emotions of fear, meant to save it from harm, work against the animal in that particular case. Your emotions, given to you for a good reason, may be working against you now. Time may mend that, but the chances are not remote that time will not help at all.

Go find someone to listen to you and to give you feedback. After you have heard what is offered, you will still be just as free to do what you would have done without the feedback, if you want to. Think about it.

I just wanted to find this post. And now I did. EasterJoy I wanted to tell you that I did take your advice to heart. It was what started me back to shore. I have made a lot of changes since joining here. But your words were always around. Your words were always somewhere in the back of my head. So yeah. It made a difference. Even at this point in my life. I figured out a way to change the way I was looking at things. I just hope the change sticks. I hope I stay on course.

Peace EasterJoy. And thanks.

-Trident

 

[runwaymodel]

You know what you can do to help with that temptation? During Mass today our priest was talking about how some athletes have to eat a good pre-game meal before going out on the field/court to play, and that spiritual life is similar. We have to feed our soul before we can face the world sometimes, and that gives you the energy to power through on hard days.
Why don’t you try playing some Christian music on your way home or when you arrive? Have a crucifix in your living room and bedroom (I do) and say I prayer before dinner. It’ll, mentally and spiritually, make your resolve stronger to avoid porn.
Remember, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Though you are young and perhaps not ready for marriage now–someday you will be. What is seen, can never be unseen.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

…to not look at porn. i’m 22 and really don’t have any friends (moved to a new city,cuz i work two jobs…and i really don’t like people anyways). when i come home from work i’m exhausted and just want to lay down and look at porn

. i just don’t see how it harms marriage but i know it does although marriage seems lightyears away from me being a single guy.

any advice?

You are participating and encouraging the defilement of women. All of whom are someone’s child. And more importantly made in the image and likeness of God. You have a hard time seeing why it is so wrong? Could you look the blessed virgin in the eye and tell her that? Perhaps as she is feeding your Lord and God? She was a young beautiful woman. think of that next time you see no way your lust harms a future marriage.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Don’t lose hope and don’t be too ashamed to throw yourself back on the Lord and develop your relationship with Him.

In addition has there ever been an interest or hobby that you have dropped or been told to drop that was wholesome? Maybe you could take it up again. All good things remind us of God and love for others indirectly and crowd out bad.

With me it was always geography, history and words and to a lesser degree scientific things. I was teased for all my reading. I deliberately read the “wrong” subjects during my finals to relax. Now, to chill or get a buzz I curl up with a good atlas and follow the way God works through peoples and landscapes, or I study etymology and marvel at expression. I take notes at the computer or on bits of paper which I file. I compare information from one web site to another and decide on how they strengthen each others’ arguments without knowing, and I am going to post some things up on a web page one day and refer to each. The other day I picked up a good philosophy book at Oxfam for £2.

A friend makes model ships which he sometimes shows around. Some people do wonders by gardening or cooking.

At the internet, there are religion blogs and some wholesome secular blogs and sometimes one can leave a comment if one feels intelligent enough. I used to love plane-spotting internet sites.

In my observation after discovering my own learning differences, a lot of people are put off developing their various skills by shame and put-downs in the past. I joined an autism society but most of its activities are far off. I have books about it and about my ADD etc and I remember a bit of coaching I once had at a workplace.

I discovered I was reading pages randomly and in spiral fashion. Now I have developed a kind of speed reading. I had to have a floating support worker and a lot of help from church members to get my living place straight.

Don’t lose hope. One needs an “element” one can gravitate to. It might even be a sort of extension of one of your jobs if it is relaxing and interesting enough. Young people get told to study so hard they forget to notice what they are “interested” in. We single people have got to nurture our brains.

Keep in touch because we can talk about all sorts of things here!

 

[ThePCWife]

Yeah, well take it from me a skewed sexuality can ruin your life. Look, think about how porn used to be like. It used to be at least somewhat decent(well by comparison to today), but now it is so trashy. It has slid really quickly to that and that should be the clue. You see the brain craves novelty so constantly indulging in porn kind of burns that out for you. You just get trashier on the inside and then that is your new normal, but that sweet girl you want to marry doesn’t deserve that to be brought into her life so don’t give up porn for you, give it up for her. Start loving your future wife now before you even meet her. It’s the only decent thing to do.

Porn’s always been “trashy”. It’s not a nice industry and the OP should remember that it’s full of women disproportionately from terrible upbringings rife with abuse and mistreatment who are being told that exploiting their bodies for very minimal financial gain is “feminist” and “empowering”. And the ones who aren’t from such backgrounds are having their very real sympathies and feminine kindnesses corrupted for sexual sin and monetary gain. The “I do it to comfort lonely men” cohort.

Some can stay away from the habit by remembering that these are real people in terrible situations doing awful things.

 

[Sarcelle]

…to not look at porn. i’m 22 and really don’t have any friends (moved to a new city,cuz i work two jobs…and i really don’t like people anyways). when i come home from work i’m exhausted and just want to lay down and look at porn

. i just don’t see how it harms marriage but i know it does although marriage seems lightyears away from me being a single guy.

any advice?

It may harm your marriage.

If marriage were years away you in all likelihood will be deeply entrenched in your porn habit by the time you get married. Think it is a simple matter to get rid of that habit? Think again.

Do you think your wife will look favorably at your habit? Look at the threads in Family Life about women deeply hurt by their husband’s porn habit.

 

[Trident_H]

Porn’s always been “trashy”. It’s not a nice industry and the OP should remember that it’s full of women disproportionately from terrible upbringings rife with abuse and mistreatment who are being told that exploiting their bodies for very minimal financial gain is “feminist” and “empowering”. And the ones who aren’t from such backgrounds are having their very real sympathies and feminine kindnesses corrupted for sexual sin and monetary gain. The “I do it to comfort lonely men” cohort.

Some can stay away from the habit by remembering that these are real people in terrible situations doing awful things.

Well I mean that’s true. What I was trying to point out back when I made that post was that porn used to be those pin-up girl magazines where people were still partly clothed. Now it’s really different. I was trying to show that stuff seems to go downhill once we pull out the stops. Once we no longer watch ourselves.

But yeah. What you say is true. What you say is right. That’s why I have that article on my wall. It’s an article about forced abuse. It’s not something I ever want to forget.

Peace PC.

-Trident

But I mean

 

[rayne89]

facebook.com/fightthenewdrug?fref=nf
fightthenewdrug.org/
fortifyprogram.org/
Check out these links, they should give you plenty of motivation. Porn is the destroyer of love .

 

[dedo]

Well I mean that’s true. What I was trying to point out back when I made that post was that porn used to be those pin-up girl magazines where people were still partly clothed. Now it’s really different. I was trying to show that stuff seems to go downhill once we pull out the stops. Once we no longer watch ourselves.

But yeah. What you say is true. What you say is right. That’s why I have that article on my wall. It’s an article about forced abuse. It’s not something I ever want to forget.

Peace PC.

-Trident

But I mean

There are a lot of good tips on this thread. The only thing I would add is to take some of the ideas like a decade of the Rosary, etc. and do it every day. What you do every day acts like a “force field”. If you miss days, you will have holes in your force field. If you fall, just improve your force field. Other ways to strengthen the force field include saying three Hail Mary’s daily, and asking the Mother of God to pray for your purity. Another, is weekly confession and go to mass / communion right after confession. Then add a few daily masses if you can.

There may be more reasons than marriage to improve yourself. And don’t write yourself off as far as relationships. Just keep learning.

Personally, I get concerned if I weaken in self discipline because I am fearful that it may make me more susceptible to making mistakes, since I believe in spiritual guidance. I work in a trauma center, and hearing stories such as "if only I had not entered _____ situation then ____ would not have happened – and the person has a wrecked body.

If God sends me a signal about something like that, I don’t want to miss it.

Good luck.

 

[Trident_H]

There are a lot of good tips on this thread. The only thing I would add is to take some of the ideas like a decade of the Rosary, etc. and do it every day. What you do every day acts like a “force field”. If you miss days, you will have holes in your force field. If you fall, just improve your force field. Other ways to strengthen the force field include saying three Hail Mary’s daily, and asking the Mother of God to pray for your purity. Another, is weekly confession and go to mass / communion right after confession. Then add a few daily masses if you can.

There may be more reasons than marriage to improve yourself. And don’t write yourself off as far as relationships. Just keep learning.

Personally, I get concerned if I weaken in self discipline because I am fearful that it may make me more susceptible to making mistakes, since I believe in spiritual guidance. I work in a trauma center, and hearing stories such as "if only I had not entered _____ situation then ____ would not have happened – and the person has a wrecked body.

If God sends me a signal about something like that, I don’t want to miss it.

Good luck.

Hey those are good thoughts too. I’m getting back into using my rosary. But right now I’m using it to pray for others. I guess I’ve got the time. I might as well do an extra decade for me too. It sure couldn’t hurt. Thanks for the advice dedo!

Peace.

-Trident