I have made terrible mistakes

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greenchelle

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I come from a long line of catholics, but when I was young my mother had drifted away from church and so I went to a non-faith school. At times I felt very drawn to Jesus and my father was very critical, I don’t mean to disrespect him, he will tell you himself he has no love for the church. At 18 I sought to be baptised.

I somehow got lost again, and my upbringing blocked me in many ways from understanding all aspects of my faith. Nobody ever said that it was ok to wait until you were married to be initimate, the idea was laughed at. The idea of not living together before you were married was rendered foolish. And the only thing that was ever stressed at school was ‘contraception, contraception, contraception’.

At 26 I began to reflect on all the damage that this has done to me. I read humane vitae, and I saw the truth. The evils that I have done, and the damage to my soul that it has caused. I am trying to right these wrongs, and have tried to abstain from intimacy, despite living with my boyfriend. I felt a mourning for the children I may have lost through contraception and when researching this ache I discovered something. You may all find this rediculous, you may think how can she not have known but it was always told to me, always, that the oral contraceptive pill is not an abortificant. Through my reading I have learnt that I may have been lied to. How can I ever live with that thought?

I have taken the oral contraceptive pill even when in abstinence for years due to heavy periods, I mean really heavy. but After reading that they are abortificants I know i have no choice but to stop taking them. I am trying to abstain, however my boyfriend is most unhappy about this and the risk is that I could give in again. If that happens, surely even though it is still terrible, it is better to let sex be the only sin, with no contraception and certainly no risk of abortion. He was really unhappy when I told him I didnt want to use the pill anymore, but now i have this infomation I cannot back down.

How can I make right all this mess? Sorry to rant, I need so badly to talk to someone who sees the problem with contraception. All my friends will agree with my boyfriend. I am nervous to speak to my priest, I think i annoy him!

Greenchelle
 
First of all, :console::grouphug: Be comforted in that you did not know better back then. Now that you know better, you can make different decisions. These decisions will have consequences, so be prepared to the extent that you can, for a lot of pushback from others around you, who won’t understand where you are coming from, or what is informing your decisions.

Next, please do not worry about annoying your priest! He is your guide in spiritual matters and it is part of why he became a priest in the first place, so he could “feed My sheep!” If you have not done a general confession for your past sins, please make an appointment to do that as soon as possible, so you can have a clean start.

And finally, you will need to find some new friends who DO understand your decisions, and surround yourself with strong role models who can help you stay on track. Join a group at church and make friends - and hopefully you will find a few people who have been where you are and can empathize. I’ve actually thought about starting a sort of mentor group of women like myself, who came of age in the sexually debauched 1970’s and 1980’s, and can reinforce to younger women that they don’t want to go down the same road we did. Still praying about that.

Keep going to your priest and if he can’t do spiritual guidance, ask him to suggest someone who can see you on a regular basis. People on this forum have reminded me that my past is PAST, OVER, GONE especially since I have confessed those sins. It’s hard for me to let it go but it’s not healthy to look back for too long. You can’t drive your car forward by looking in the rear view mirror.

God bless you! Welcome home.
 
Just to make a note, the Church teaches that it is okay to use oral contraceptives for medicinal purposes if that is what is prescribed (but if there is something else that works that isn’t a contraceptive, it would probably be better to use that), both my mother and my older sister have been prescribed it for the same reason you were taking it.
 
Green sweetheart… I don’t sense a horrible human being in you !

You know what I see… I see a wounded woman being used by a man and I’m going to pray for you today. You need to let all your guilt and feelings of shame go. You’re Gods daughter and you deserve better! You need to stop beating yourself up and let the light the church has given you continue to burn brighter!

I’d first go to confession…if you need to go to another priest…you go do that and throw any sin and guilt away!

You are being used by your boyfriend! LISTEN TO ME!!! you are being used!

First off…not only can contraceptives cause abortions…than can do HORRIBLE harm to you ! They can make you sterile, cause cancer, blood clots which can cause strokes/heart attack etc …
Also…by insisting on using contraceptives …what is your boyfriend telling you? I love the feelings of sex…but I don’t love/respect your cycles/body/health/womanhood…a big part of what makes you …you! He loves the feelings/release of sex…but does not want responsibility/participate in God’s design woven into our bodies/etc…HE’S OBJECTIFYING YOU!!! He’s using you so he can get off! In your heart you KNOW he’s doing this and I bet you are feeling used ! ? !? am I right ?

You are worth soooo much more.
U deserve so much more.

Why is he your boyfriend? If he is your boyfriend that must mean you are open to marriage with this individual… what does the church teach about marriage ? Marriage is instituted to bring forth children, to be a symbol of God in the world (because of the family bond …God is family in that he is trinity) AND has been instituted to help the two married couples get to heaven…does it feel like he’s leading you anywhere towards god …does your relationship have any signs that it will be open to love, reveal god, or help you get to heaven ???

I think you can solve your problem by a few different things that need to happen if you want to follow the truth you’ve found.

1You can not live with this man! You are not married and you are in a sexual relationship. If you MUST live with him…the church says you have to live as brother and sister.

2No more sex …period! And you need to go to confession!
  1. you have to have a talk with your boyfriend! You need to lay down the law: No sex period before marriage! If he can’t deal with that friend…tell him to take a walk! He’s going to do more harm to you than good! and so will any friends that will agree with him!
If he is willing to not have sex before marriage ( i bet he wont ) … I’d also INSIST if he wishes to remain in a relationship to you …i’d insist he watch " woman, gods masterpiece!" by christopher west…you can find it online…it would do you good to listen to it as well!!! PLEASE… I’m telling you right now…this one video/cd could change your life forever!!! Please please get it! As a matter of fact…if you seriously don’t have the money (im broke too) AND PROMISE to listen to it in its entirety and are willing to give me your address…I WOULD EVEN BE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT MYSELF AND HAVE IT SENT TO YOU! I mean…it’s that eye opening and lifechanging!

I hope this has helped, I didn’t mean to offend…I feel your pain!

Please be good to yourself! You’re going to have to make some tough decisions if you are serious about changing your life around

God bless!

Any questions…don’t hesitate to ask!

Michael
 
and it’s true…you can use the contraceptives if it is for medical reason so long as you abstain from sex.

The church dosent have a problem with medicine…it has a problem when they are misused and are used to effect change on a bodily system that is healthy and working well so some jerk guy can have some fun with one of Gods daughters!
 
MichaelHowling said:
and it’s true…you can use the contraceptives if it is for medical reason so long as you abstain from sex.
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Actually, you are not required to abstain from sex in these instances. You are only required to not be using them for abortive reasons. If you are still open to life, then you are allowed to engage in sexual activity, even if on oral contraceptives for medicinal reasons.

To the OP, congratulation on rediscovering your faith. Heaven in rejoicing for the return of its lost sheep! You are not a bad person, the fact that you are willing and desire to change shows that; speak with your priest openly and honestly. They will not judge you, they will be happy that you are coming to them for help!
 
I stand corrected Prod…

Due to the rule of double effect.
 
Mike Howling is right on!

Now that you’ve changed your life you need someone to help you grow and share this with, not a man who drags you down.

Also, the pill is NOT medicinal. It is not fixing your problems. It induces you into a chemical pregnancy which overrides your system. You are no longer ovulating, no longer having periods. You are just taking blank pills (or ltaking the 7 day break) which causes withdrawal bleeding but you are not having your period.

Please find an NFP doctor in your area wo can actually help you, in a natural way, have a more regular cycle. The site One More Soul has a list of all NFP doctors by area.

Trust in God’s plan for your future!
 
Welcome home! Don’t forget that God is about love and forgiveness! Your job now is to do the next right thing!
 
It is natural for our past sins to grieve us, but remember that guilt feelings are a smoke alarm. Christ did not die to condemn us, but to turn us from our sins, that we might live! Have you read the story of the Prodigal Son? The idea is to turn from your sins, not to dwell on them.

Yes, sin has temporal effects, and they are real…but they are also temporal. Like the cleansing of Purgatory, they will not last forever. Doing your best to make amends and turn your life to the glory of God and compassion for fellow sinners is today’s work. Put both your past and your future into God’s hands.

As for living with the thought that the Pill is abortifacient, as others have pointed out there is no reason a woman may not take hormones as a medical treatment, as long as the contraceptive effect is an unintended side effect which she would avoid if she could. She is allowed to continue whatever legitimate sexual relations she had been having. You are also not culpable for procuring an abortion when you had no such intention or knowledge that you could have been doing so.

Having said that, feelings are feelings. I think you may benefit from going on a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. You will certainly find a priest there who is prepared to handle the feelings you are going through.
 
The Real Julieanne - you are an excellent advisor and just a note here that there is a Lady on the Cheating Thread who I feel requires your sound advice (I gave mine for an interim period if/while they seek counselling.

I have read many of your previous postings on this subject and feel your advice is desperately needed Julieanne.
 
Thank you all for your responses, it has been most helpful to hear your words of advice. Juliane- a mentor group like that sounds amazing, I think it would make a massive difference to young people.

I will attend confession this week as planned. And try to contact my priest to arrange some time. The only Catholic group I have seen at my church is for mothers so that doesn’t include me. I will keep an eye out.

Michael –I found the Christopher West cd on amazon. Thank you.

Rachel’s vineyard, I have heard of this wonderful service before. I hadn’t considered it for this particular mourning to thank you.

I have been aware that I could use oral contraceptives for medicinal reasons, that’s why I continued with it for so long. I have been trying to abstain for 4-5 months now, and have given in to temptation twice, if this happens again I would not want to risk aborting a new life, this feels so much worse than unintentionally preventing conception.

I have spoken with my boyfriend, when I explained to him what I found out about the pill and how it could abort new life, he understood this more than when I had tried to explain why it feels wrong to use contraception at all. So I have thrown the packet into the bin, and seen a doctor about alternative ways to control periods that would not compromise life. I am waiting for an appointment with natural family planning instructor, so that I am well versed for when we are married.

I worry from your responses that I may have made my boyfriend sound bad. He is the kindest man I have ever known, but he has grown up in a similar place to me, where co-habitation prior to marriage is encouraged and the use of contraception is considered the moral thing to do. So I understand why he is struggling, nobody has ever told him any different, he has no faith yet to support him to question this.

He is upset and worried that things are changing; he has always known I was religious but ‘not this religious’. He’s a very gentle person, who hurts easily, so when I try to explain how damaging sex has been for me, he is hurt by this and notion and cannot consider that it applies to our relationship. He has tried to respect my abstinence for my sake alone, but when I am weak he has no need to try and remain abstinent too.

Thank you all. I know that I have only taken small steps and that changing my path will take a lot of work over a long time.

Greenchelle
 
We understood that he’s a good man, because if he weren’t, he’d have already been gone.

:grouphug:
 
A couple of things have helped me with heavy periods. The first is using a menstrual cup. I use the Lunette cup which seems to get better reviews than the Diva. The other thing is drinking red raspberry leaf tea, not to be confuse with raspberry tea. I don’t think either o these are “medical” but you could always check with your dr to see if either of these could be helpful.
 
greenchelle said:
He is upset and worried that things are changing; he has always known I was religious but ‘not this religious’. He’s a very gentle person, who hurts easily, so when I try to explain how damaging sex has been for me, he is hurt by this and notion and cannot consider that it applies to our relationship. He has tried to respect my abstinence for my sake alone, but when I am weak he has no need to try and remain abstinent too.
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He doesn’t sound like a controlling guy who wants to use you for your body. He sounds like a guy who actually has the right idea of sex, just the wrong execution. He’s hurt because he finds it bonding and you find it damaging. This makes total sense! Once you’re married, both of you will find it to be bonding and something that keeps you close. The barrier caused by a lack of vows will be gone.

You both have to understand that you’re on different emotional planes. Please do make it clear that it’s not him or even sex itself that’s causing damage, it’s the circumstances surrounding the sexual activity. Outside of marriage it’s hurting you. Within marriage it is a good and holy thing that will help cement the bond between you. That’s a tough thing to tell people who have grown up without formation; I’m sure there are millions of people out there right now living together or having sex before married that really genuinely believe they’re OK!
 
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