I have no relationship with Jesus

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mommamaree

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I am so sad and weary.

I have no relationship with Jesus. I have no faith of the heart. I have intellectual assent and I have a desire for obedience. But no relationship.

I seek out the teachings of the Church, so that I may know what is right, in order that I may do it. I am thankful to be able to do what is right. I want to do even better and better. I am not, thankfully, dealing with any major temptations to grave sins.

But I am empty. I do not have a relationship with Jesus. I try to pray and I only feel more empty and alone and I weep.

I am willing to do anything, to give up anything, just to have that relationship with Jesus. But I don’t know what else I have to give, and my repeated asking for healing has gone unanswered. I am already being obedient in every way I know how. I have a larger family, with young children. I know that it is God’s will for my life and for our family that I homeschool. I do my daily duties, even though it is hard. I love my husband and my children.

But I fail everyday, and my experience of trials is made worse by self-loathing thoughts that plague me. I cannot reach for my faith to sustain me and to get me through it. It is white-knuckling it, barely clinging on, waiting for bedtime, so that I can try to grab enough sleep in order to get up and do it all over the next day. There is never any sense of accomplishment or joy. Only an awareness of how much I failed.

I am fairly certain that I remain in a state of grace. But I feel dead inside so much. I read my bible and I feel empty. I pray the Rosary and I feel empty. I pray the chaplets and I feel empty. Then I hit a wall and I weep for hours, sometimes days.

My priest cannot/won’t help me. In confession, I hear “you are a good person” from the priests. But nothing helps to remove my emptiness.

When I converted to Catholicism, I thought that intellectual assent would be sufficient for me. Now I know that I really wanted more. I wanted healing. I wanted relationship. I wanted to know Jesus. How long must I wait? Will God ever heal me? What must I do? I know this is not depression. This is spiritual emptiness. This is my desire for a relationship, and a faith that sustains, and an awareness of the giant hole in my heart, and knowledge that I can’t fix this, and the one thing that can fix this is the very thing I do not have and have never had.
 
I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Jesus loves you. I am going to pray for you.
God bless
C.
 
Just as we are all on a spiritual path whether we know it or not we all have a relationship with god whether we feel it or not. Therefore as a catholic since you believe Christ is god you have a relationship a personal relationship with him whether you feel it or not. Each time you smile. laugh, help someone without expecting anything in return that relationship with god is manifesting and god is aware and smiling with you. Each time you weep, are angry, depressed or do something to harm someone or something god is there within you drawing you back to Truth. Be well and stay safe.
 
I recently started to come out of a terrible slump of doubting my faith and knowing that Jesus was not ‘there’ for me. I had to slowly acknowledge I really, really needed Him as there is nothing on this earth, literally NOTHING that I want except Him. I gave everything up to Him. I started praying the rosary, with an audio podcast so as not to become distracted. I slowly added on my prayer intentions. Things did not change but I did, I started to feel like He was listening again. At mass, I walk in and sit down and take a deep breath and just take it all in. I am there to be with Him, period. I tend to sit in different places, not being antisocial but just wanting to be with Him.

Are you able to attend a daily mass? Are there any mom-day-out programs that will allow you to? I think you need a momma’s helper at least once a week to recharge your faith. I am going to see if my own parish helps out young moms. Take care, I will add you to my prayer intentions.
 
You are not alone, God is with you always. You are his child. He will not give you any problem to bear that you & him can’t handle together. Let go & let God. Praying for your intentions.
 
Casilda said:
I recently started to come out of a terrible slump of doubting my faith and knowing that Jesus was not ‘there’ for me. I had to slowly acknowledge I really, really needed Him as there is nothing on this earth, literally NOTHING that I want except Him. I gave everything up to Him. I started praying the rosary, with an audio podcast so as not to become distracted. I slowly added on my prayer intentions. Things did not change but I did, I started to feel like He was listening again. At mass, I walk in and sit down and take a deep breath and just take it all in. I am there to be with Him, period. I tend to sit in different places, not being antisocial but just wanting to be with Him.

Are you able to attend a daily mass? Are there any mom-day-out programs that will allow you to? I think you need a momma’s helper at least once a week to recharge your faith. I am going to see if my own parish helps out young moms. Take care, I will add you to my prayer intentions.
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Daily Mass around here is in the evening. If I really needed to go, my husband would help me go at least once in a while. He comes home and teaches the kids one subject every evening, while I handle the rest during the day. I could go to the evening daily Mass at that time. In fact, that is how we are handling being able to attend Mass for the holy day of obligation this week. I might talk to him about making that a more regular feature of our family life.

Thank you for your prayers. I really need them right now, so I really appreciate it.
 
well i would suggest that you find the catholic church that has Charismatic fellowships- and meetings–because you need christian impartation-- of edification-exhortation and confort-

and this does occur in these types of meetings-- becasue these people witll talk about their relationship with Jesus thru the Holy spirit- which will be imparted to you

and you may have to find more than 1 catholic charismatic fellowship chruch

these people will “feel” like friends
 
Thank you everyone, so very very much, for your prayers and encouragements.

After I started this thread, I went to play Legos with my kids, and then apparently fell asleep on the floor right there at some point, in the middle of the Lego pile, with my kids crawling all around me. :o

I did read the link someone provided upthread, about the dark night of the soul, St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. I was extremely hesitant to believe that I was experiencing any sort of thing, because that sounds so big and lofty, things for the saints to go through, you know? But not me, who does not feel that I have made even one step in the spiritual life. However, I have been directed several times before to read about it and to consider it, and I figured it would be some kind of perverse pride on my part to consistently dismiss the advice. So I read it. And I felt like someone was talking about my spiritual life, about my efforts and failings, my striving and desire and complete inability to draw any closer to God.

So, I will reread that link tonight with my husband (my greatest supporter and encourager), and we will make plans for how to allow me to continue to place that focus upon my relationship with Jesus, through and alongside the fulfilling of the duties of my vocation.

I already get up early anyway, and have had a regular habit of reading the bible and saying the Rosary, but those things have slipped as of late, for various reasons. Mostly, I think it shined a light upon my spiritual burnout and my emptiness and I was afraid of exploring that any more. But maybe taking up my devotions again and just sitting with that feeling is better than running away and hiding from it.
 
You must not go by your feelings, but by your charity towards God and neighbor. Love/charity is not just a feeling of being in a relationship with someone, it is to will to love God, and your neighbor because of your love for God. Jesus says we love Him if we obey His word. Real love/charity is in the will and is not merely in a sensible feeling of relationship; if you will hard to do good for Jesus and obey His commands, then you do love Him and have a relationship with Him despite your feelings of emptiness and your relationship feeling one-sided. Please live by faith and NOT by feelings. Believe me when I say that God is in a relationship with you even though He may be hiding Himself behind a dark veil in order that He may prove you. When you get to Heaven you will be able to feel all the joy and all the love of God in the world – and a million, zillion times over; in the meantime, persevere and keep doing charitable works for God, without seeking sensible consolations. Consolations will come when you least expect them to, try your hardest to seek to please God more than anything else that you do, and patiently and faithfully await the day when you will experience wonderful union with God for having remained so faithful. If you remain faithful, then you WILL experience this one day. But you must keep yourself in a state of grace, and persevere until the very end, until the day that you die. It may be that you will have to wait until your death for you to finally find what you are seeking; if this is God’s Will, so be it. Please seek His Will in ALL things and not sensible feelings – and you will be able to die a saint. It appears to me that you are going through a dry martyrdom; persevere! God bless you.
 
I understand your feelings, I experience this as well.

I’m praying for you
 
Maybe, you could step back and see exactly how you pray and how you see Jesus. For me, I see Jesus as my friend - my very best friend who I can tell anything. Do my prayers sometimes seem empty? Sure. But remember, Jesus is not only divine; He took on full humanity about 2000 years ago and retained His humanity when He ascended into Heaven.
 
ready said:
You must not go by your feelings, but by your charity towards God and neighbor. Love/charity is not just a feeling of being in a relationship with someone, it is to will to love God, and your neighbor because of your love for God. Jesus says we love Him if we obey His word. Real love/charity is in the will and is not merely in a sensible feeling of relationship; if you will hard to do good for Jesus and obey His commands, then you do love Him and have a relationship with Him despite your feelings of emptiness and your relationship feeling one-sided. Please live by faith and NOT by feelings. Believe me when I say that God is in a relationship with you even though He may be hiding Himself behind a dark veil in order that He may prove you. When you get to Heaven you will be able to feel all the joy and all the love of God in the world – and a million, zillion times over; in the meantime, persevere and keep doing charitable works for God, without seeking sensible consolations. Consolations will come when you least expect them to, try your hardest to seek to please God more than anything else that you do, and patiently and faithfully await the day when you will experience wonderful union with God for having remained so faithful. If you remain faithful, then you WILL experience this one day. But you must keep yourself in a state of grace, and persevere until the very end, until the day that you die. It may be that you will have to wait until your death for you to finally find what you are seeking; if this is God’s Will, so be it. Please seek His Will in ALL things and not sensible feelings – and you will be able to die a saint. It appears to me that you are going through a dry martyrdom; persevere! God bless you.
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I might have used the word “feelings” to describe my difficulties. That was probably not the best choice of words to express my struggle. I converted to Catholicism precisely because it was not based in the feelings, which can betray us and mislead us. Catholicism is the complete opposite of what I call “bipolar Christianity”, which is what I was fleeing from all those years I wandered before discovering the Catholic faith.

What I really mean is that I cannot seem to just do things because I love God. I do them because they are the right thing to do, and because I want to know and do what is right. I do my best to avoid sin, especially sins of grave matter, and I am very thankful for God enabling me to avoid sins of grave matter. But I do not seem to be similarly impelled to do the good, even though I want to do it. The good just seems to be one long, hard slog, like running in mud, with the finish line so very far away. I do the good, but it is never good enough and it is always mixed with so much selfishness and impatience, that I cannot even really call an action good anymore. And sometimes I fail to do the good thing and I lose my patience and I act upon my selfish inclinations. When days get really rough, like earlier today, and I see around me is my failures and my shortcomings and I know that I need to do better, I need grace. I need help. I do not understand how to locate the grace that God is giving me to endure and continue doing the good.

Today I feel like I pretty much gave up. I set aside ALL of my homeschool preparations that had to be done today, and just wept and wept and played with my kids and fell asleep on the floor. And they had taken it upon themselves, earlier in the day, to handwash all the dishes and mop the kitchen floor. Bless their little hearts. They were doing all they could to lift me up on a very difficult day. So I don’t know whether to consider that a good thing or a bad thing. I failed in my urgent duties, yet I connected with my kids as people and spent time with them. How in the world can I do my nightly examination of conscience if I cannot know if I have done a right thing and be able to give thanks to God for the graces He gave me to enable me to do the right thing? How can I properly examine my conscience if I accuse myself of sins when it is possible that I am merely guilty of weakness or human frailty? How can I even pray when every time I do, I weep and it hurts?

This is more what I was trying to explain. I don’t know how to explain it really. I cannot even really explain it to myself.
 
powerofk said:
Maybe, you could step back and see exactly how you pray and how you see Jesus. For me, I see Jesus as my friend - my very best friend who I can tell anything. Do my prayers sometimes seem empty? Sure. But remember, Jesus is not only divine; He took on full humanity about 2000 years ago and retained His humanity when He ascended into Heaven.
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Yes! This is how I understand the Person of Jesus Christ. It is how I pray. It humbles and amazes me how He could love us so much. But, it is still so intellectual and dry for me. I don’t think I have a faith that penetrates the heart, or rather, when it does, it is just so much pain.
 
Wishes in our Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

To be honest with you, I am jealous of you that you are already thinking about Jesus a lot.

Emptiness that you are experiencing, may be, “may be”, the cause of this emptiness to the world and our own world sighted-ness. I guess we, being in the thoughts about Jesus, can no more feel our mind or anything as we would if we were in the worldly state. That is when they (that is mind, body, heart, etc) were in a worldly state, it is felt as filled in with so many things and all. Now they do not feel the same way.

Or may be that you want to have and physically feel your mind & soul filled with and by Jesus. All your current thoughts of and relationship with Jesus may appear to be empty to your physical senses (body, mind, ears, eyes, etc). May be you are feeling it hard the (blessed) progress of your being from physical senses to the spiritual side…

It is tough.

Regarding the suffering & healing…
If I were you, ideally, I would pray (and would continue to do so with patience and without any stressful expectations) and if our Lord chooses not to heal in the way I envisioned, then I would ask (pray earnestly) for accepting His will, if it is so, in a manner that would pleases Him.
This would be ideal “me”. You know what I mean. Right now I, being a sinner, am remotely far from this.

I am attaching some links (do not know if this helps but…):
On the Advantages of Tribulations by our father St. Alphonsus Ligouri
Another online article

May be, that is “may be”, you might find clarity in reading something about how some of our saints (especially St. Therese of Lisieux) felt about loving Jesus. Please click here to read it. Because, I kind of think that you already are loving God without realizing it even to a necessary level.

I would paste the quotes from St. Therese (I am surrendering to the blessed state of Hers)
To live out of love means to banish all fear/ Every memory of past faults. / I see no mark of my sins, / In a moment love burnt everything
We have merely to love Him, without looking at ourselves, without examining our faults too much.
A glance of love cast towards Jesus and the knowledge of our profound misery makes reparation for everything.
Even if the fire of love seemed to have gone out, I would keep on throwing fuel in it and Jesus would take care to light it up again
I do not desire sensible affection, a love that I feel, but only a love that is felt by Jesus. Oh! to love Him and cause Him to be loved!
True love is found only in complete self-forgetfulness, and it is only after we have detached ourselves from every creature that we find Jesus

In the end, as you know and agree, **prayer **(i.e. conversing with your Beloved Jesus) is the best remedy. As you might have already done or thought to do, pray with this cause. Also, please pray for me and for those who come to read your post too.

Thank you for sharing.
 
Also, one more thing… God is active in the life, breath and movements of your children.
Also on ours, our spouse, and all the elements in nature.
When we attend this, we are unknowingly attending and touching God’s presence.
How wonderful it would be if we have the grace to completely comprehend, understand, and enjoy this…

It is clearly explained [in this article](First of all to better understand the supernatural presence of God, let us remember that God is present naturally. God is everywhere. Too often we forget this simple truth. However, if we think of it more often, it can give new orientation to our life.) by a Carthusian Monk.

Again, kind request to pray for all who read your post (including me).

Thank you and Love you Jesus.
 
mommamaree said:
I might have used the word “feelings” to describe my difficulties. That was probably not the best choice of words to express my struggle. I converted to Catholicism precisely because it was not based in the feelings, which can betray us and mislead us. Catholicism is the complete opposite of what I call “bipolar Christianity”, which is what I was fleeing from all those years I wandered before discovering the Catholic faith.

What I really mean is that I cannot seem to just do things because I love God. I do them because they are the right thing to do, and because I want to know and do what is right. I do my best to avoid sin, especially sins of grave matter, and I am very thankful for God enabling me to avoid sins of grave matter. But I do not seem to be similarly impelled to do the good, even though I want to do it. The good just seems to be one long, hard slog, like running in mud, with the finish line so very far away. I do the good, but it is never good enough and it is always mixed with so much selfishness and impatience, that I cannot even really call an action good anymore. And sometimes I fail to do the good thing and I lose my patience and I act upon my selfish inclinations. When days get really rough, like earlier today, and I see around me is my failures and my shortcomings and I know that I need to do better, I need grace. I need help. I do not understand how to locate the grace that God is giving me to endure and continue doing the good.

Today I feel like I pretty much gave up. I set aside ALL of my homeschool preparations that had to be done today, and just wept and wept and played with my kids and fell asleep on the floor. And they had taken it upon themselves, earlier in the day, to handwash all the dishes and mop the kitchen floor. Bless their little hearts. They were doing all they could to lift me up on a very difficult day. So I don’t know whether to consider that a good thing or a bad thing. I failed in my urgent duties, yet I connected with my kids as people and spent time with them. How in the world can I do my nightly examination of conscience if I cannot know if I have done a right thing and be able to give thanks to God for the graces He gave me to enable me to do the right thing? How can I properly examine my conscience if I accuse myself of sins when it is possible that I am merely guilty of weakness or human frailty? How can I even pray when every time I do, I weep and it hurts?

This is more what I was trying to explain. I don’t know how to explain it really. I cannot even really explain it to myself.
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Praying the way you do really is fine with God (i.e. with weeping and hurting), although it is very painful to you and you may much prefer to pray with consolations. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted (definitely in Heaven). Please offer up all your pain and suffering in union with Jesus Christ’s suffering in Gethsemene and on Calvary, for some good intention. You don’t feel like you do things because you love God but only because it is the right thing to do, etc… Well, I highly recommend that you read *True Devotion to Mary *by St. Louis de Montfort and seek Mary’s powerful assistance. She will help you to love Jesus her Son in the right and most perfect way. Please prepare for 5 full weeks to consecrate yourself to Jesus through Mary with the excellent book, *Consecration to Mary *by Fr. Helmtus Libietis. Mary is your hope; she is everybody’s hope! Please turn to her and let her help you as only our Mother can. Please read these two most excellent books that I have recommended and follow their direction. If you do so I can assure you that you will be most pleasing to Jesus and Mary and will not have to worry about the things that you have mentioned are of concern to you. You will be in my prayers…Oh yes, and please make frequent Acts of Love to God. You can find a traditional “Act of Love” online if you Google search. God bless you.
 
You are very close to God. God is very pleased with your efforts to know, love and serve Him. You have received some great advice and insights from the posters. Tell Jesus how you feel. Ask him into heart. Spend time talking and listening to Him in Adoration.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. God bless you.
 
As always, I am astonished at the insight and experience of CA forum members. I will remember all of you tonight in my prayers, and thank God for you and pray for all of your private intentions.

I am so thankful to have a forum on sincere Catholics to whom I can turn to ask questions. My husband and I, until recently, were the only Catholics in our family. We converted together. Recently, my mother also converted, and my niece, whom she is raising, has also converted. Deo Gratias! However, there is no one to whom we can go with our questions. And for various reasons, it would be unwise for us to seek answers from either our deacon or priest, despite how highly we think of them. So it makes me all the more appreciative for the guidance you kind folks can offer here.

After the kiddies are tucked in bed for the night, I plan to share all of this with my husband. He wrestles with some of the same issues, but his background is different and he does not experience anguish over the issues. We are really urging each other on in our spiritual path. I remember hearing recently that the best way to get to heaven is to grab someone’s hand and try to get them to heaven. I am so blessed that my husband can be that person in my life.

Anyway, thank you all so much. I will check back tomorrow to see if there are anymore replies and to give an update. God bless you all.
 
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