I just dont understand?

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lolashy

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:confused: why life is the way it is? let me give you a little background. I am 22 years old girl. I still live at home with my parents. This past january i went through the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I woke up on january 26 of this year to my mom yelling for my brother to call 911. She had went into the bedroom and saw my dad on the floor. He was concious and awake but he was just looking around the room and could not speak. He had a severe ischemic stroke. It affected the right side of his body he can no longer talk, or walk or use his arm. My life has changed forever. I dont understand why God allowed this to happen to my family?.. Before this happened everything in my life was starting to come together. But, now i wake up everyday and have to help my mom take care of my dad. Its to much for one person to do. Its so hard to deal with, i feel like one day i am gonna wake up and my dad will be normal again and this was just a bad dream. I often cry, and it stresses me out so much. My mom is constantly yelling at me about something, i help her and nothing is ever good enough. I do alot i feel like a “mom” to my brother because i have to make his dinner, iron his clothes, clean his room. He is 18 by the way and fully capable of doing it himself. I also have to clean the house, cook meals for my dad,give him his meds… and so on. I dont have any friends so i never go out the house only to go grocery shopping and do errands for the household. I feel stuck:(. I kinda just needed to vent. sorry its so long. I still beleive in God but i dont pray as much as i use to before this happened. And i am forced to go to church. So please just pray for me… 😉
 
I understand. I was 18 when my Dad had a heart attack. We think our parents are indestructible when we are young. It comes as quite a shock when we discover they are not. Do you go to school or work? I will pray for you
 
My dad was put on a ventilator when I was 17. My 15 yr old brother and I were the only two still at home, and I had just given birth to my oldest son. Mom was tied up at the hospital and later the nursing home with dad, I took care of my brother, my son, the house and the farm. I had to drop out of high school, I had no drivers license so I had to rely on neighbors and my older (married) brother and sisters to come by to give us rides to town for appts and groceries and such. My younger brother was fully capable but chose not to help, and he stared down a very destructive path. He drank himself to death in 2010 at the age of 33. I often wonder if I failed him, if I could have done more to prevent it, why God even threw the whole situation in our path in the first place. I don’t think I will ever know the answers to any of those or the many other questions I have. I do know, though, that it could have been much much worse.

I never thought I would find someone to make a life with. But a man who was there the entire time has adopted my son and became a father seven more times now. We have known each other for 21 yrs and I never thought we would be married for 19 yrs! It hasn’t been easy or perfect and it has been a roller coaster ride with more downs than ups many times, but we are happy and full of peace. Pray to St. Joseph. He is the patron saint of fathers, happy deaths, the Church, and most importantly he is Jesus’ foster father (and as an extension ours as well).

Dad was on that ventilator for 10 years. He got to meet my husband and half of our kids. Dad passed away 10 long years ago on May 20th. As hard as it was helping taking care of him, I miss those days. I’m praying for peace in your home, strength to help you continue, and happiness in the long run. God bless you.
 
What a treasure in Heaven you, as well as the other posters, have have accumulated. We don´t need to know the reason for our hardships. Knowing that it´s part of the life we share with our Lord in the Hope of rising again is enough. Jesus suffered for us. We can suffer for Him. God bless:thumbsup:👍👍
 
Dear one…
You obviously have a very full plate.
It is good that you have come here and vented. It needs to happen and hopefully some of the good people here can help you cope.

My mind is kind of a jumble of thoughts right now and it’s too early in the morning for me to make any great sense of them all - so let me just start and hopefully something good will slip out…😉

While it seems that you are stuck and, in some ways, that your life and your future have been stolen from you, you have also been granted a blessing. I care for my dear wife who has Alzheimer’s dementia. She is 16 years older than me and so I had to quit my job to care for her. My life too is “on hold”.
But you know something…God has taught me more in 6 years of this trial than I would ever have been able to learn otherwise. Lessons in love, patience, forbearance, care and unselfish giving…lessons in how many good people there are - and also lessons in how fearful some people are. There is no doubt but that this trial has made me a better child of my Lord and God.

Now - of course - I’m in my late fifties…and you are 22…my life is nearer the end and yours is just beginning. So how can we relate to one another? Perhaps by my sharing an old story from my family…It involves my maternal grandmother and her mom…
Grandma’s daddy died when the children were quite young. I think grandma was maybe 10 and she had a younger brother and sister. This was before any social welfare and so they struggled mightily to keep body and soul together. Much fell to grandma, as the oldest, to help her mama take care of things. Her brother was not a bad person, but he was a bit irresponsible and so wasn’t as much help as he should have been - and of course the little sister was - well - little.
As she got older, grandma wanted to enter the convent but was told by her uncle (a priest) that she must not because she was her mother’s sole real support. So grandma stayed home and worked to support her widowed mother, brother and sister.
Then Grandma met a man…a good man who wanted to marry her. He approached great grandma and asked permission to marry her daughter. Great Grandma consented on one condition. Since grandma was her sole support, grandma’s beau would have to agree to take care of her as well. (and great grandma could be quite stern and demanding) He agreed and so became my grandpa.

All through grandma’s life she was giving to others. Anytime someone was sick, it was “Call Mary” and she would come. She and grandpa raised three children, took care of great grandma until her death, worked at church, celebrated fifty years of marriage before grandpa died and grandma lived the remainder of her days surrounded by children grandchildren and great grandchildren. She passed peacefully in her sleep in her nineties.

Why did I feel compelled to share this? Maybe because sometimes we cannot see what great blessings God has in store for us. The blessings may turn out to be different than we think or plan for…but they will be blessings if we remain true to God.

God give you strength and consolation on your journey.

Peace
James
 
lolashy said:
:confused: why life is the way it is? let me give you a little background. I am 22 years old girl. I still live at home with my parents. This past january i went through the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I woke up on january 26 of this year to my mom yelling for my brother to call 911. She had went into the bedroom and saw my dad on the floor. He was concious and awake but he was just looking around the room and could not speak. He had a severe ischemic stroke. It affected the right side of his body he can no longer talk, or walk or use his arm. My life has changed forever. I dont understand why God allowed this to happen to my family?.. Before this happened everything in my life was starting to come together. But, now i wake up everyday and have to help my mom take care of my dad. Its to much for one person to do. Its so hard to deal with, i feel like one day i am gonna wake up and my dad will be normal again and this was just a bad dream. I often cry, and it stresses me out so much. My mom is constantly yelling at me about something, i help her and nothing is ever good enough. I do alot i feel like a “mom” to my brother because i have to make his dinner, iron his clothes, clean his room. He is 18 by the way and fully capable of doing it himself. I also have to clean the house, cook meals for my dad,give him his meds… and so on. I dont have any friends so i never go out the house only to go grocery shopping and do errands for the household. I feel stuck:(. I kinda just needed to vent. sorry its so long. I still beleive in God but i dont pray as much as i use to before this happened. And i am forced to go to church. So please just pray for me… 😉
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Your family has just been through a huge traumatic event. No one is in their right mind at the moment. I hope your father is getting treatment for his stroke, but it can be a long hard road back to anything near normal functioning. And of course, he will likely never be the same. Your mom is probably still in some degree of shock. And she may be taking out her frustration on you to some extent. At some point perhaps you can talk to her about doing a lot less for your brother, and letting him grow up a little bit. But your family has gone through what amounts to a death, a death of the family you had, and you need to take time to grieve for the loss of that family. Not that anyone has actually died, but your previous life has changed so much. If you go to college, please look into getting counseling on campus.

:grouphug:

I’ll add you to my prayers.
 
This thing with your brother being left off the hook has to stop. Whatever extra work you dad’s condition brings about ought to be assumed in equal proportion with your brother. Perhaps he was spoiled in the past and you were the responsible one, but that was in the past, now he needs to grow up and your mother has to require it of him. Heart-felt sympathy for you and your dad.

P.S Years and years ago I witnessed the same dynamics in a bereaved family, where the eldest was asked to do 90% of the stuff her mom would usually do, and the two younger brats were still enjoying a carefree life. Don’t let that happen to you, I’m sure your brother will be great at ironing or cooking.
 
Thank you for all the answers and stories you shared. I know everybody goes through a tough time one time or another. But, I guess im still in the shocked state. How do I handle having my dad be normal and a hardworking, fun dad one day. To a dad who doesn’t even know my name or can talk??? it just tears my heart in pieces… I know I shouldn’t let it affect me so much but how do I continue my life like nothing happened? :imsorry:
 
lolashy said:
Thank you for all the answers and stories you shared. I know everybody goes through a tough time one time or another. But, I guess im still in the shocked state. How do I handle having my dad be normal and a hardworking, fun dad one day. To a dad who doesn’t even know my name or can talk??? it just tears my heart in pieces… I know I shouldn’t let it affect me so much but how do I continue my life like nothing happened? :imsorry:
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You don’t continue like nothing happened. You are grieving. Let yourself cry and mourn, for the Dad you used to have (and may again). Don’t give up on your dad. He probably does still know your name but he can’t communicate at this point. I don’t know how severe the stroke was. Maybe his long-term survival chance isn’t good. Take it one day at a time and love him for who he is now. Your Dad is still the Dad who gave you life and raised you. Cry as much as you need to, and then get through the day. I hope your family is getting help.
 
Often times when people are scared and overworked and unsure about the future, they yell. It’s not personal, it is a coping mechanism. Your Mom is scared and has a very full plate and is frustrated and frightened and that’s most likely why she’s yelling at you. She can’t help it, forgive her for it and understand that it’s not happening because of you or because she doesn’t love you or something like that.

Your Mom needs some help, a nurses aid perhaps to help with bathing your Dad and with lifting and such. And perhaps some help in housekeeping as well.
There are many places you can get help for your Dad and for your Mom. Try calling the social services dept of the hospital you Father was taken to when he had his stroke.

I’m hoping that your Dad is getting some help with physical therapy and with learning how to cope with his stoke and perhaps some speech therapy along with some others.

You are still grieving the loss of the Father that you knew. While your Dad is still alive, he’s not the same man he once was, and life will never be the same for him, your Mother or for you either. Perhaps you would benefit from some therapy or counseling to help you cope with this huge loss. I know it doesn’t seem fair.

And please don’t assume that your Dad doesn’t know who you are, he may. He might not be able to verbalize anything or much, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know.
There are some really good books out on strokes, it might be to your benefit to read one or two so that you understand more fully what has happened to your Dad.

Oh, and tell your brother to get his back end in gear and clean his own room and do his own laundry etc. If he doesn’t know how to run the washer and dryer, give him a lesson. My boys were doing their own laundry LONG before they were 18, so I know it’s possible. 🙂
I’m sure your brother is devastated about his Father, and perhaps he would do well with some therapy as well.

I don’t know if you work or go to school, but you need to make sure that you keep living your life. You need to see your friends and get out and about. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Your Mom needs to take care of herself as well.

Good luck, I’ll send some prayers up for you and your family.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You don’t continue like nothing happened. You are grieving. Let yourself cry and mourn, for the Dad you used to have (and may again). Don’t give up on your dad. He probably does still know your name but he can’t communicate at this point. I don’t know how severe the stroke was. Maybe his long-term survival chance isn’t good. Take it one day at a time and love him for who he is now. Your Dad is still the Dad who gave you life and raised you. Cry as much as you need to, and then get through the day. I hope your family is getting help.
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THIS…👍

And know too that everybody grieves differently. There are stages and people go through them in different ways. Your mother’s anger, your brother’s denial, your need to step up and get things done…these are part and parcel to the process of struggling through this.

As Juliane says above…just keep loving him and if he was fun loving before…try to keep that up. Humor can be a great therapy for you and for him…For you because laughter and joy is a great release and for him because it signals to him that you have faith and trust and confidence in him and in his potential. It also signals to him that caring for him is not a chore (even when it is).

Peace
James
 
Oh I forgot to ask: why don’t you have any friends? They could be incredibly useful in times like these, they could support you, comfort you, make you laugh and take your mind off.
 
well I did have friends in high school. But, after that we all went our separate ways… they just were not the type of people that had the same mindset that I had. I had different values than them. Also I don’t really get out and go anywhere. I always just stay with the family. Mainly because I know they will always be there for me. But, friends I feel are temporary they just come and go. Plus there is no time. especially now that this happened. That is like my last priority to make friends…
 
It is okay not to understand the mind of God. Your prayer right now may be simply that. “Lord, I don’t understand. Help me!” Not everything in life is meant to be understood. Living it is the hard thing. I agree with a previous post that you and your mother may need to contact social services to make sure that you are getting all the help you need for your father. It is a heroic thing to take care of him at home; however this may not be what God is asking of you. You may want to talk with a licensed clinical social worker ( LCSW) to help you sort out what it is you need to do. God does not want you to fall apart. He may need you to continue on with your schooling, get a job outside the home, etc. For spiritual strength make an appointment with you pastor, explain the situation, and ask for a recommendation for a spiritual advisor.

Prayer is particularly hard during these times. Remember that every act you do to help your father, mother, and family can be prayer.

Tell your brother he will have to do his own laundry and stick to it. My son does his own and has done it since he was in high school.😉
 
My dear, I too feel very bad about your situation. I will keep you in my prayers.

The reason that God allows these things to happen is because they are a natural consequence of free will. Original sin brought evil into the world, and the effects of original sin include personal sin, illness, disease, and death.

I recognize that you’re going through a difficult time right now. My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was 16. This was less than three months after my grandfather had died of terminal cancer. My dad was fortunate in that he never required any treatment other than surgery, but there was a very real possibility that he would have required chemotherapy. The nearest chemo center was 2 hours away, and Mom would have had to drive him, leaving me in charge of my 5 younger siblings - all of whom were homeschooled. I was prepared to deal with that, but thanks to the grace of God it never became necessary.

At first, I, too, questioned why this had to happen. The only answer I received from God was, “Because I will it”. However, I was fortunate to receive significant graces. As a result of my grandfather’s death and my father’s illness, I decided to become a registered nurse. I have spent a significant portion of my 7-year career working with older adults and with the dying. Today, I teach practical nursing and I feel that God has called me to be Jesus to people and to serve Him in them, and now to teach others to be the hands and feet of Christ.

As other posters have indicated, I would strongly encourage you to seek help, in the form of home care or respite care. Home care nurses, home health aides, and other professionals can provide advice and support for you and your family. Respite care would be an option that your mother can consider if she feels the need to take a break from caregiving. A home care social worker can evaluate the need for additional funding to support your father’s care needs.

Rest assured that you will remain in my prayers. I would recommend that you ask St. Rita of Cascia, St. Elizabeth of Hungary, and St. Monica to pray for you.
 
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You need a part-time job and please inform your Mother after you have applied for one (not beforehand). It is a Wife’s and Family members responsibility to love and care for all Family through sickness and in health; however you are young and starting out in life; your whole life ahead of you and need daily breaks out of Home.

At this stage, I would be doing the following (if this was my situation and my Daughter is 22years of age whereby the whole family had to look after my Mother in Law for 5 years with all of our (name removed by moderator)ut);
  • Given the income would be lower now that your Father has suffered this stroke, inform your Mother that you have a part-time or full-time job (pray The Holy Rosary and ask Jesus for His Divine Loving Intervention through Mother Mary for the “right” job and hours); that the income is required. Keep 40% out of this income for yourself as a holiday/break down the track without informing your Mother what you earn. Hand over the 60% to your Mother for all the Family’s needs.
  • From now on, your Brother and yourself share and take it in turns to wash both of your clothes and hang them out straight away, along with each of you doing your own rooms and sharing the home cleaning. You would both be required to do all of these things yourselves living away from home anyway; including a bbq regularly to break up the cooking duties your Mother performs. Your Brother would be quite able to barbeque food outdoors giving your Mother and yourself a break.
  • Visit your Local Catholic or Christian Bookshop, pick up The Green and Brown Holy Scapulas to place under your Father’s mattress and place all of Jesus Divine Holy Images in his room and give your Father The Holy Rosary Card to pray that has the illustrations in it (from your Local Catholic Church) and Rosary Beads if he does not have them. If your Dad prays for his cause (to speak and walk again) along with World Peace and for The Holy Souls in Purgatory a few times daily; watch Jesus Miracles he delivers!
Love and best wishes
 
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At the moment, think and “picture” Our Lady Mary trudging thousands of miles on foot through the deserts in the scorching heat visiting Her Cousin Elizabeth while pregnant, to stay with Elizabeth assisting her. No luxuries in those days and they were lucky (through constant prayer to God) to obtain their “daily bread”! Think of the Love and worry that Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus endured throughout Her life when her Son Jesus was travelling Thousands of miles spreading God’s Holy Words risking his life for many years in the process.

These are the facts I dwell upon offering up my daily Crosses to Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus during The Holy Rosaries and during my daily life in which Jesus and Mother Mary intervene!

Love and best wishes to you my Sister in Jesus.
 
You need to have a sit-down with your mom and brother. Your brother is 18 years old. He can cook and clean and iron his own damn shirts! He will contribute to the household, either with work or with money. If he doesn’t, then he’s gone. If your mom refuses to do anything about him, then it’s time for you to go. Honoring your father and mother does not mean they get to treat you like servants, no matter what the situation might be.

Edit–I also want to add that you have a wonderful soul for wanting to take care of your father. Please don’t let others take advantage of it.
 
pollynova said:
You need to have a sit-down with your mom and brother. Your brother is 18 years old. He can cook and clean and iron his own damn shirts! He will contribute to the household, either with work or with money. If he doesn’t, then he’s gone. If your mom refuses to do anything about him, then it’s time for you to go. Honoring your father and mother does not mean they get to treat you like servants, no matter what the situation might be.
Edit–I also want to add that you have a wonderful soul for wanting to take care of your father. Please don’t let others take advantage of it.
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I thought this was well worth highlighting.
 
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