I just feel mesed up

[Alex246]

I’m finally dealing with all the junk in my life that pulled me to this forum in the first place about a year ago. I go through little periods where it seems to be gone, and then it comes right back worse than before. I hope this shameless rant is in the right place, because if you hold on till the end, it really does have to do with spirituality.

I’m completely addicted to masturbation and porn. I hate it. I’ve never done drugs, but seriously, I think this must be like when you’re trying to quit smoking, only you can tell that to people and you can get patches and stuff to help you. It’s horrible. The person I consider to be my best friend is a girl, and I even have issues not feeling lust when I think of her. It just creeps into every corner of my mind. I feel like a complete traitor, and that if my friends knew the stuff I did, they’d steer clear of me for the rest of my life.

Also, on the topic of my friend, around the middle of October in 2009 I became completely infatuated with her. I try not to talk about my age here unless I feel it is completely necessary, since I hate being looked down upon by adults just because I’m younger, but I was 13 at the time. I’m 15 now. It STILL hurts, and I’ve been trying to get over it since this February. There was a point where almost every new thing I learned about her was like a kick to the groin for me (sorry to be vulgar, but I’m tired of talking this down). I just had to try and get rid of these stupid feeling that kept me up at night and distracted me from almost everything else. It’s probably obvious by now that she’s definitely NOT Catholic. At all. And to make it worse, she was God’s final shove to get me to really pay attention to my faith (I’m a cradle catholic).

My parent did almost NOTHING to get me interested in my faith. Yeah, I did the classes and stuff before confirmation, and everyone got all excited for my first communion, but I never understood a single thing about what it meant. My mom says she’s catholic, but she openly questions a whole bunch of things about the church (the true presence, celibate priests, etc.). My Dad’s agnostic. I tried telling them about m infatuation with my friend,but I was just afraid to talk to my dad about he religious side of it because I knew the answers I’d get, and I know just from observing my mom on a daily basis that I wasn’t getting any good answers there either. She already thought it was funny that I was losing sleep and stuff over her, and she made it extremely awkward whenever we talked about anything that could possibly be linked to this girl. A popular hunting ground was after ski practice, since we’re both on our high school’s team. Never sensitively, either. It was almost like she was making fun of me in front of the entire family. I was holding up everything inside so tightly that I couldn’t even say that Paige was getting A BOOK THAT SHE WROTE PUBLISHED. At 14! I was completely ecstatic for her, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I couldn’t even tell my parents, because for all of that “you can tell me anything” junk they give me, they sure didn’t do a good job of making me feel like I SHOULD. I’d just get more embarrassment.

Finally, I’ve got some anger issues. So does my dad. He and my mom argue pretty much daily (that is, if they’re even speaking at that particular moment). My mom has no problem reminding me that the only reason she stays with him is becuase she couldn’t pay the bills alone. And I argue with my mom almost daily too. I don’t want to, t’s just that every single thing that she doe that could be remotely construed as disagreeable, nasty, oblivious, etc. throws me into a rage. This isn’t made easier by the fact that she is almost obsessive about hand washing, cleanliness, etc., and that I feel she has ZERO understanding of me. I think the only thing she even knows about how much more Catholic I’ve gotten is that i’m always the one dragging her out of bed for church on sunday. I’m worried that the few times I actually CAN recieve communion I really can’t because I’m sinning so much by arguing and yelling at my parents.Again, I DON’T want to. This anger just seems to grab me and say “hop in the back seat, I’m driving now.”

And to make it all just that much worse, NONE of my friends are catholic. I love computers, video games, and science, all being areas that are pretty hostile to religion in general, so I have accrued a large group of friends who are atheist, people who call themselves Christian but don’t really practice it (and those are all protestant), one protestant who always finds a need to nag me about being Catholic, and a Buddhist. I only even KNOW OF two catholics who have been in classes with me before, and they are both pretty subdued people, not anything like myself (I love being loud, almost every sentence I make has some sort of joke it, I love satire and black humor, etc…). I’m pretty sure I annoy them. So even the catholics I have met get scared off by my personality.

This has all combined to give me an almost nihilistic outlook on life. I can’t find any point to a life where I want to love and follow God but find it completely impossible. I just fall over and over and I hate myself for living such a sinful life. My relationship weith god is in the tubes, I feel embarrassed asking my mom to take me to confession, and I just wish god would kill me. But then I’d probably go to hell, so…
Yeah. I’ve been driven to strangers on the internet. Please help somehow.

 

[Shin]

FWIF.

One of the things I’ve learned is that it helps to do things to please your parents, things they want you to do, that you habitually do not want to do and are irritated to be told to do. But instead, if you squash that emotion and consciously do it immediately to please them – God is pleased and rewards you with graces for this.

I know emotionally it’s the last thing you might want to do, I’ve been there, done that, and then I did the last thing I wanted to do, and it improved the family dynamic incredibly. Everything was more peaceful. Arguments became fewer. All because I did a few things more promptly, and thought ahead about a few things that would be pleasing to them.

Don’t know if this applies to you really, but I think it might, worth a shot.

It often only takes a short time, and goes by happier, than the conflict I might add.

Don’t know if you’re the hyper type or not, but if you’re not too scrupulous, reading about Hell combined with a proper approach to chastity (removal of all immoral media, near occasions of sin, etc.) can train a person to overcome addiction to lust. You must hate lust, love chastity (cultivate a postive love of it -in yourself-), and love spiritual joys to replace the addictive pleasures, which henceforth are to be considered poison. This with prayer and sacrifices will change the sweet to bitter, and bitter to sweet.

When I say remove all immoral media, I mean everything that doesn’t meet traditional standards of modesty, not today’s so-called non-standards. Anything that attracts you, out the window, and that means stuff that’s just attractive, not only provocative. It’s all poison henceforth, you cannot even get -close-.

It’s normal as a teen to feel that no one understands and everything is bottled up. Doesn’t help to tell it, but been there, done that. Cure? Don’t know, I grew out of it. Wish I was raised with more discipline. But hindsight is always 20/20. Learning to discipline oneself is a long and hard process, but everyone has to, to some degree, even in other cultures and climes. Don’t let your emotions rule… try to convert them step by step, or however it works, to be more manageable. Don’t trust them, but like reeling in a fish, sometimes you have to pull, sometimes you have to let the fish run. And rather unlike sometimes reeling in a fish, sometimes you have to stop them cold. Depends on various factors.

We’re all together in the Communion of Christ. I’m praying for you buddy!

 

[AmataVeritas]

You going through a lot right now and trying to sort through some serious stuff. And, from what you’ve said, you have an almost non-existent support at home or with friends.

First, know that God loves you more than you could possibly imagine. You might remember the story of the prodigal son - he demanded his dad give him his inheritance, then he took off to spend it on parties and women. Once it was gone, his new “friends” left him and he ended up working with pigs, eating their food even! He decided to return home and ask if he could be a servant in his father’s house. The Bible tells us, when he was still a long ways off, his father saw him, ran to him, embraced him and told his servants to kill the fatted calf and bring him new clothes, that they would celebrate his son’s homecoming. That’s how God feels about you.

With regard to pornography and lust. Let’s start by clarifying that not all sexual desire falls under the sin of lust. God created sexual desire and it is good! Also, the spontaneous appreciation of another person’s sexual beauty is not lust. The involuntary turn of the head to appreciate beauty is not lust. However, desiring, planning, or fantasizing adultery with her is, as is the deliberate “second look” or thinking about her again just for the sake of gaining pleasure. As you can see, the fine line between sexual desire (good) and lust (sin) is very fine indeed and easily crossed.

St. Thomas Aquinas tells us that God will often allow us to fall into a lesser sin because we are in danger of a greater one. To avoid pride (which is the greatest sin), He allows us to fall into the sin of lust. Lust is usually obvious, undisguised and temporary, whereas pride is not. To conquer lust, focus less on the sin of lust and more on the sin of pride. Only when we are truly humble does God give us the grace to conquer lust.

St. Thomas Aquinas also diagnosed lust in this way: “Man cannot live without joy; therefore, when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it is necessary that he become addicted to carnal pleasures.” In other words, sex becomes a substitute for God. To conquer lust, forget about lust and love God.

Finally, take all your thoughts captive for Christ. Jesus can tame them - all we need to do is bring them to Him. Lust is an addiction that cannot be cured through counseling. But Jesus can provide the grace you need to overcome it. Take it to Him. For more on the sin of lust, and the other deadly sins and how to overcome them, I recommend reading “Back to Virtue” by Peter Kreeft or “A Virtue Driven Life” by Fr. Benedict Groeschel.

When you think about your future, what kind of man do you see? Do you want to follow Christ, to be a good man, filled with His Spirit and peace? Jesus is calling you to do just that. But you have to respond to that invitation. Avoid sin. If something or someone tempts you to sin, stay away. Get rid of the pornography. If you use your computer to access it, can you pack away your computer, or at least make it more difficult to access (such as moving it to a common area of the house, using a public computer, i.e., at the library, etc.)?

You also need to refocus your time and energy. Is there a group or ministry at your parish with young people? Perhaps your priest or religious ed director might be a good resource for you to ask. Make friends who are trying to grow in and live out their Catholic faith.

Spend time reading your Bible and praying every day. You mentioned that your mom just doesn’t understand you - I recommend praying to Mary. Pray the rosary. Talk to Our Blessed Mother about what you’re going through and ask her to help you, and to help you relate to your mom and dad.

There are also many, many saints who had difficult relationships with their parents and they had to work through them, in various ways. There are many saints who struggled with lust and other sins - St. Augustine, one of my patrons, comes to mind. He lived with a woman, had a son with her, and finally came to terms with his lifestyle, returning to God and eventually became bishop in the Church. Perhaps reading his “Confessions” might be of some encouragement to you. Get to know the saints by reading about them and asking them for help. For that matter, ask your guardian angel for help and guidance as well.

Bottom line: this is a time in your life when you can decide to commit to follow Christ or to keep going down the path of least resistance. While none of us deserve God’s grace, He’s offering it. Don’t think you are beyond His mercy or a “lost cause”. Remember, Jesus left the 99 sheep to find the one that was lost. But you have freewill to decide what course your life will take. It’s up to you to say “Yes” to God, and, humbling acknowledging you cannot do it on your own, ask for His Holy Spirit to help you. He will.

You will get through this; I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[GaryTaylor]

Lots of issues Bro. But let me just make this Crystal Clear for you. Your issues can be solved, and they are not unique. Your not different. Matter of fact your issues pale compared to many of no faith or just pure evil.

Increase you Prayer though the Rosary without a doubt. Keep in mind that the idea is not to solve every issue today. Baby steps, short term goals which are achievable that reach your ultimate long term goal.

As far as looking at specifics? You have to take a good, hard, honest look at masterbation for example. If you continue to pick up smut rags and gravitate towards porn sights. This probly won’t go away. Pray to Mary for the strength to leave all that alone thus stop acquiring all this guilt? And every time you get ready to gravitate over to whatever porn sight it is…Pray, and Pray and continue to Pray till the Temptation is gone.

I don’t mean to minimize your issues above, just want you to know that you can’t build these issues up to be so Big to You, that they appear unsolvable. Because they are solvable and you can solve them.

Put all issues into perspective first. Write them down if need be wih a solution next to them which is obtainable, Then through priority and need begin to tackle them.

Whats most important is that you find those you can honestly talk about this with. Like here for example and hopefully somebody right there close to you. This is very important and I’ll tell you why. When we talk, and talk, and talk about our issues openly. And until we suffer others to share our secrets, then we have no safety from them. We are alone with no place to hide and we contnue to run from them. When you continue to confront yourself in the eyes and hearts of others, then and only then will you become unaffraid of your problems. They will become smaller and smaller. There will come a point when you can openly and honestly talk about all these issues matter of factly with no deep emotions from them. When you reach this point is when you are coming to terms with the issue. Follow me?

Honest Communication and Prayer are your weapons to resolve these problems. And the minute you start closing all the doors to that which you know will help you. Then once again you become a slave to these demons.

You ever hear the scripture passge; “I, Paul, am a Prisoner of Jesus Christ, What are you a prisoner of”? Well my friend you are a prisoner of these issues. A prisoner of the demons within. Free your self, you know the way and have the weapons now. Baby Steps, and obtainable goals.

God Bless, I’ll Pray for you, Pray for yourself. GT

 

[TheQuestioner]

I’m completely addicted to masturbation and porn. I hate it. I’ve never done drugs, but seriously, I think this must be like when you’re trying to quit smoking, only you can tell that to people and you can get patches and stuff to help you. It’s horrible.

haha well it’s good that you hate it. I can’t imagine it would be easy to lose your attachment at that level, and with your situation it’s hard to get professional help. That’s ok. Just keep trying to stay away from sources that tempt you to those things. If that be the internet, then take a break from it for a while. If it be tv, then read a book. If it’s boredom, then find something to do.

The person I consider to be my best friend is a girl, and I even have issues not feeling lust when I think of her. It just creeps into every corner of my mind. I feel like a complete traitor, and that if my friends knew the stuff I did, they’d steer clear of me for the rest of my life.

Maybe you just genuinely like her? In any case, whenever you get those feelings for her just pray for her good. Offer up decades of the Rosary and Divine Mercy prayer’s for her.

btw, if you don’t want to feel that way about her but you just do, it’s not lust. You will have feelings for girls, even some girls you don’t want to. It’s part of becoming a man. You will have this happen until you die. Those feelings are not lust though. Twisted, disturbing or downright annoying, sure. But not lust. Unless however you act on these feelings in the wrong way (i.e. masturbating), or seek them out, then it becomes lust.

It’s probably obvious by now that she’s definitely NOT Catholic. At all. And to make it worse, she was God’s final shove to get me to really pay attention to my faith (I’m a cradle catholic).

Elaborate. It sounds as if God used her to bring you to Him. In such a case pray for her and thank Him. If you can, without damaging the friendship too much, try to bring her to Him.

but I couldn’t even tell my parents, because for all of that “you can tell me anything” junk they give me, they sure didn’t do a good job of making me feel like I SHOULD. I’d just get more embarrassment.

Eh, who tells they’re parent’s everything anyway:shrug:? I know how you feel there. If they are better off not knowing then you are entitled to secrets. But talk to a priest, this will help.

Finally, I’ve got some anger issues.

Same here

My mom has no problem reminding me that the only reason she stays with him is becuase she couldn’t pay the bills alone.

Don’t worry, she’s probably just lying. If she really wanted to leave she would have left already, bills or not. It’s an awfully mean thing to say though. Still, pray to St. Marguerite D’youville that your parent’s marriage may be better and more Christ-like.

And I argue with my mom almost daily too. I don’t want to, t’s just that every single thing that she doe that could be remotely construed as disagreeable, nasty, oblivious, etc. throws me into a rage. This isn’t made easier by the fact that she is almost obsessive about hand washing, cleanliness, etc., and that I feel she has ZERO understanding of me.

Teen angst. Don’t worry, you’ll grow out of this. This is not because I am choosing to write you off for being young, it is an actual thing that happens. Just be patient, do penance for your parents, think about how much you love them (you do) and pray for patience, love and endurance. Try not to lose it, and realize at times people may do things that make us mad and not even know they are doing them.

And to make it all just that much worse, NONE of my friends are catholic. I love computers, video games, and science, all being areas that are pretty hostile to religion in general, so I have accrued a large group of friends who are atheist, people who call themselves Christian but don’t really practice it (and those are all protestant), one protestant who always finds a need to nag me about being Catholic, and a Buddhist. I only even KNOW OF two catholics who have been in classes with me before, and they are both pretty subdued people, not anything like myself (I love being loud, almost every sentence I make has some sort of joke it, I love satire and black humor, etc…). I’m pretty sure I annoy them. So even the catholics I have met get scared off by my personality.

Sounds alot like me. None of my close friends are Catholic, and the Catholics I know find me a bit much at times. This may not have to do with Catholicism though, but the type of person you are. If you are the kind of person who doesn’t blend into groups well, then this will take place in any group, so don’t worry. Be happy with the friends you have, and ask your priest about youth groups in the Church that you can join for support. Also ask about a spiritual director.

 

[TheQuestioner]

This has all combined to give me an almost nihilistic outlook on life. I can’t find any point to a life where I want to love and follow God but find it completely impossible. I just fall over and over and I hate myself for living such a sinful life. My relationship weith god is in the tubes, I feel embarrassed asking my mom to take me to confession, and I just wish god would kill me. But then I’d probably go to hell, so…
Yeah. I’ve been driven to strangers on the internet. Please help somehow.

First, no matter what remember it is not impossible. It is very possible. We fall over and over again, it happens. But the point is to get up each time. No matter how much we fall God loves us, and we will fall. Pray for perseverance all the same. Don’t worry. God isn’t an old man sitting on a throne watching you struggle. He’s right there next to you carrying through it. You may not see it now, but you will in the future. Keep on trying. You are God’s beloved son, and though you are in the quagmire you belong in heaven with Him, and are His child, made to His image. Heaven is our natural home. Don’t give up. Don’t worry. Pray.

 

[Shin]

Also, the spontaneous appreciation of another person’s sexual beauty is not lust. The involuntary turn of the head to appreciate beauty is not lust.

It’s not involuntary, and yes it is lust.

 

[Alex246]

Elaborate. It sounds as if God used her to bring you to Him. In such a case pray for her and thank Him. If you can, without damaging the friendship too much, try to bring her to Him.

She was really the last push that woke me up and made me realize “hey, this stuff you’re doing isn’t right.” It was only a matter of time from there before I figured out I couldn’t quit without God. I try do drop little hints whenever something comes up that warrants some (name removed by moderator)ut that way, but I can’t be sure how much it’s working. I try to pray for her, but it only gets me all depressed, because I’m scared for her.

Also, those thought’s about Paige (that’s her name) were not just “feelings for her.” I had enough of those. These were quite illicit. I don’t really want to talk about that, because I still hate myself for it.

And to elaborate on my mom’s relationship with my dad, she also stays with him because she doesn’t want my sister and I to have the childhood she did (I respect her privacy, so I’m not going into any details, but there were some tough things going on regarding not being able to live with both parents due to one’s psychological issues). I really do think she’ll leave him as soon as my sister and I are done with college.

I can’t thank you guys enough for your words and prayers. It means a lot to me.