I just got into a fight with my mom

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Andrea22

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She is upset because her mom (my grandma) won’t go to mass. My mom is so hurt by this and she’s so upset. I was trying to reason with her and tell her not to take it personally, I was trying to tell her how every person has a different walk with God, and that there must be a reason why she won’t go. I offered a possible theory saying maybe this was a spiritual struggle for her. My mom completely dismissed my comment saying that was absolutely not it. And she knew because she knows her mom and I don’t.

This made me feel very little, like my opinions and thoughts don’t count or have any value. I told her that while she is probably right and that I’m most likely wrong there was no way that she could say for certain what it really is as she isn’t in her mind or heart… we just kept arguing and I told her that I didn’t think that she wasn’t open enough… so she took that really bad of course and that really hurt her.

I hate messing up like this. I hate being an adult child… It’s so hard remembering my place in the food chain. Guess this is a huge test in humility? Just admit I’m always wrong even when I think I may not be just for the sake of family peace???
 
Andrea22 said:
She is upset because her mom (my grandma) won’t go to mass. My mom is so hurt by this and she’s so upset. I was trying to reason with her and tell her not to take it personally, I was trying to tell her how every person has a different walk with God, and that there must be a reason why she won’t go.
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Having a “struggle” with God is no grounds for mortal sin. I think you’re wrong for arguing in the defense of mortal sin.
 
are you kiddng me?

i wasn’t telling her that it is ok that she won’t go… i was just trying to figure out how to help her see that she needs to go… yes she’s in mortal sin but how is you, me and my mom knowing that gonna help my grandma? My mom already tried to force her to go and it didn’t work.

Yes we are praying for her too…
 
Andrea22 said:
are you kiddng me?

i wasn’t telling her that it is ok that she won’t go… i was just trying to figure out how to help her see that she needs to go… yes she’s in mortal sin but how is me and her knowing that gonna help her? My mom already tried to force her to go and it didn’t work.
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Ok. I didn’t get that from your original post. My apologies.

I guess, as to ideas about getting her back to Mass - ask your priest/her priest?

If what you just posted is true, then I’d probably say tu madre was not in the right there.

What you should do… No idea. I don’t think it’s a test of humility, because if your mom is wrong, she’s wrong.
 
hey!! how did you know I speak spanish? lol

This issue is kind of complicated. We are in Canada… she’s in Mexico… None of my aunts and uncles really care or wanna help (we’d have to convert them first!!) I don’t know what parish she belongs to and I don’t know who her priest is. I don’t even know if they have a shut in service or anything.

We managed to get her to go to confession and Easter mass so she’s not completely lost. Now I have to undo the damage my mom did by pressuring her to go…

My approach will be to just get her talking about it. My mom said she used to be really devout in her youth but veered off the path when she met my grandpa… I just want to bring it to top of mind… have her reconnect with her devoutness from her youth and let the Lord take it from there…
 
Andrea22, the best thing you can do is pray hard for both of them and try not to get caught in the middle of their disagreement. Have you asked for prayer on the prayer forum? In my experience, prayer works way better than trying to convince when the person isn’t open to discussion.

You mentioned a shut-in service; is she ill or unable to leave the house very often?

You don’t need to fix anything. This may be hard to accept, but the disagreement and hurt feelings between your mom and her mother is between them. Just pray and love them both.
 
Andrea22 said:
hey!! how did you know I speak spanish? lol

This issue is kind of complicated. We are in Canada… she’s in Mexico… None of my aunts and uncles really care or wanna help (we’d have to convert them first!!) I don’t know what parish she belongs to and I don’t know who her priest is. I don’t even know if they have a shut in service or anything.

We managed to get her to go to confession and Easter mass so she’s not completely lost. Now I have to undo the damage my mom did by pressuring her to go…

My approach will be to just get her talking about it. My mom said she used to be really devout in her youth but veered off the path when she met my grandpa… I just want to bring it to top of mind… have her reconnect with her devoutness from her youth and let the Lord take it from there…
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Lol, honestly I had no idea about the Spanish. I just like using the phrase “tu padre/madre” or “mi padre/madre”. Sounds nifty.

Hrm, your approach sounds decent. I’d also recommend, if you can, making a Holy Hour for the intentions of your grandma. It’s basically going to Eucharistic Adoration and praying for an hour (Rosary, or reading something spiritual).

Also, it’s good that she got to Confession and Easter Mass.

I’m sorry to hear you’re in Canada, though. :D:p;)
 
my Grandma can’t go anywhere by herself because she loses her balance. She relies on one of my aunts to take her to places. The only way we could get any of my aunts an uncles to make the sacrifice to take her to mass is if my grandma really really wanted to go… which apparently she doesn’t. She thinks spiritual communion is good enough. She watches mass every day…

I was just trying to make MY mom feel better… I can’t do that? Well… obviously I can’t do that very well…

The other issue is MY grandma… I want her to go to mass too. In fact I want my whole family to go… I can’t force them and I can’t pressure them but I do want to open up the discussion with them. I want to use this as an opportunity to get to know them better and to love them better.
 
If your grandmother is disabled, she is ill. While the Parish should reach out and see that she has someone bring her the Eucharist and a Priest coming to hear her confession at home, know that those who are ill are dispensed from the obligation to attend Mass (from the Catechism, bold mine):

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2181.htm

**2181 **The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.
 
kage_ar said:
scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2181.htm

**2181 **The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.
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I hear what you are saying and that helps a lot. I told my mom about this tonight (this is how the conversation got started) But… and your comments here would be appreciated. We think that part of the problem is not so much that she can or can’t go… it is that she doesn’t believe in the Eucharist. (from what I understand) I think that she’s committing a sin in her heart…

Obligation is not the only reason people go to mass. People go because they want communion with God. They want the bread of life. When someone wants Jesus… they will make the effort… and if they can’t… well they feel a certain grief over that. Apparently this is not the case with my Grandma.

One more thing… I don’t want to come across as judging my Grandma… I was the one trying to understand her in the beginning right? I just want her to have a closer union with Christ… I just want what is best for her… and what could be better than Jesus in the Eucharist?
 
It’s wonderful that you want to get to know your family better and love them, but you’re right - you can’t force and you can’t pressure. If your grandmother is ill or weak, she’s not required to go to Mass. You don’t say how old she is - ?

Something you might do is to talk to your own priest about it and see what he advises you to do. You’ll feel better once you have some advice from the Church. Keep praying!
 
OraProNobisIHM said:
Having a “struggle” with God is no grounds for mortal sin. I think you’re wrong for arguing in the defense of mortal sin.
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Wow… that was pretty judgmental for only knowing a little of the situation.

Perhaps her grandmother isn’t feeling well, or is getting weak? There is not age people can “stop going to Mass” but missing Mass due to illness, including exhaustion because you are old IS a valid reason and thus she would not be in a state of any sin, mortal or venial.

OP - I’m sorry to hear about arguing with your mother. You mention that you are an adult. While it is important to always respect our elders we don’t have to follow their every wish. It sounds to me like both you and your mother are trying to do what is best for your grandmother. Perhaps you should call your mom and tell her that and that you understand you were both trying to do what’s right but it got out of hand and you apologize.

It IS difficult being an adult child at times, there are times when we even need to help our parents make the right choice even when they don’t want to… as long as we are doing it respectfully and for the right reasons, we are good. I believe that is what your mother was trying to do… and you as well.

Pray about it, together if possible.

Joe
 
jwashu said:
It IS difficult being an adult child at times, there are times when we even need to help our parents make the right choice even when they don’t want to… as long as we are doing it respectfully and for the right reasons, we are good. I believe that is what your mother was trying to do… and you as well.

Pray about it, together if possible.

Joe
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thanks for your comments Joe…

My family’s salvation is my mom’s Chief worry.
One of my aunts goes to mass regularly and goes to communion BUT wants to take her daughter to get the birth control pill…so on top of the fact that my aunt is in mortal sin, my mom is so offended that my aunt is taking communion unworthyli…
Two of my other aunts don’t believe in Jesus’ divinity…
One of my uncle’s is completely against the Catholic church so he’s distanced himself away from our family because he’s some sort of evangelical now…
The rest of the family don’t apprear be in any hurry to attend mass (they are fallen away I think) I think they are under the mistaken preception that as long as they believe in God and are good people they are ok…

So I have to sit here and listen to her vent and vent. Part of me tries to get her to have some faith and to leave it in God’s hands (this seems to offend her because she thinks that it is her duty to do something about it and not only pray for them) The other part of me just clashes with her need to be so controlling of them with the I’m right and they are wrong mentality. Her approach clashes with mine which is more of a fellowship type of approach. I believe that loving them and taking an interest in their lives is an excellent way to evangelize. Spending time with them, listening to them and caring for them.

I know I can’t force my mom to change either but this is affecting her greatly… when she talks about this it seems as if she has no trust in God… I even tell her… “look how long it took me to get you to go to mass!!” And once I got her to go to mass it took me a long time to get her to go to confession so she could go for communion… one day I just lost it and actually yelled at her… I said “i’m sorry mom but you are in mortal sin… I’m afraid you are going to hell!! don’t you get it???” I preceeded it with I’m sorry because it is not my style to tell people that they are in sin as I don’t think it’s my place to do so… but anyway… Just venting here… sorry…
 
jwashu said:
Wow… that was pretty judgmental for only knowing a little of the situation.

Perhaps her grandmother isn’t feeling well, or is getting weak? There is not age people can “stop going to Mass” but missing Mass due to illness, including exhaustion because you are old IS a valid reason and thus she would not be in a state of any sin, mortal or venial.

Joe
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You know, I actually almost posted she could be “excused” from Mass because of age, but then i didn’t post it, because I realized I was wrong. So, I’m not sure where you’re getting that age comment from.

Also, from what the OP told us initially, we only had “not going to Mass” as the thing that was happening - no more, no less. So, to me, the grandmother is/was committing a mortal sin. Of course, now we know she has trouble balancing on her own, which is an issue, and could very well “excuse” her from the weekly obligation. But, thanks for reading my mind and commenting on something I didn’t post?

OP: Maybe try to get in contact with the parish she goes to, and see if anyone could offer her help? I know in the States we do that, where older people or such need a ride/transportation to Mass, other parishioners will help them. Maybe ask your aunt how to get in touch with them?
 
a lot of churches in mexico shut down until the swine flu epidemic is under control, and if grandma is elderly she has also a compromised immune system. perhaps she has also become protestant or is not catholic anymore, maybe you should talk to her
 
Andrea,
I’m a mother 🙂 And I have a teenage daughter! It is really hard to be a mother, esp of a daughter is so close to being her own grown-up self. Half the time, I see her as a child, and half the time I am so amazed at her competence.

So it’s a tricky time for mothers as well.

But as to your problem, sometimes I get in a tizzy about something, and I am not ready to hear anything, iyswim. I just want to vent and get a hug or something. I don’t need someone agreeing with me too much, because that will make me worse, but I don’t need someone putting all these other ideas out because I am just not in a good place to hear them. And it’s totally me, it’s not the other person, it’s not good of me (I usually have to then go and apologize to my children for setting them a bad example). And it doesn’t mean I’ll never listen, just that right at that moment, I am too upset or worried.

I have been praying for my many family members who have left the Church or never been in it. I am beginning to think that I need to make more sacrifices; that’s tough. But there it is.

I don’t know what things are like in Mexico, but here in the States, in many places there are shortages of priests. Your grandmother may be doing the best she can, esp if she is watching the Mass on tv and praying a spiritual Communion. It can be hard to ask your relatives to drive you to Mass if they are very uninterested. I second the advice of trying to get in touch with the parish to see what can be done.

Don’t let your mother’s feelings get *you *down. If she’s anything like me, it’s not you, it’s just life or hormones or whatever.
 
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