I suspect you are right. However, I have developed a little problem as a consequence of family trauma. Or maybe it is not a problem. I put up with all sorts of things from people when I care about them and always look for justifications and remind myself that nobody is perfect, myself included. But then I tend to reach a boiling point of no return when people step on my toes too many times and I end the relationship. I think it is a self defence thing: I simply don’t have the strength to deal with that person anymore and end the friendship because I don’t see how to go on.
Because I experienced terrible things from my own father I see no reason to hang around for more emotional beating from people who are ‘merely’ friends. Does this make sense? I have no idea if the way I cope with difficult people is a good one or not, but it is the only thing I can do: put up with things and give the person many chances, try to change what I don’t like, and then end the relationship if they fail to change their behaviour and respect my boundaries. This person has no sense of boundaries and is a repeat offender. This drilling into my soul has been going on for years. The worst thing about this episode is that it will take me a few days to get over it and calm down. This is how I lived for many years: recovering from conversations with my father for weeks, and then recovering from conversations with friends about the drama with my father for an equally long time. I must be doing something wrong. Or maybe I am just too sensitive.
No, you are not too sensitive, and it is not your past that is making this woman’s behavior beyond endurance. *You are being entirely normal. *You wouldn’t expect any of your other friends to let her grill them, would you? You don’t imagine that none of the rest of your common circle of acquaintances has nothing about them that she thinks needs her improving hand, do you? What you are describing could happen to any of us. You just had the bad luck to be what she considers an interesting target. The only thing that makes choosing you far worse is that it is more egregious that she’s doing it to someone who has already gotten herself professional help. Who does she think she is? Does she second-guess her friends’ physicians, too? Check the stiches, to see if the surgeon’s needlework is up to her standards? It would not surprise me if she does!
This is the thing: You don’t have to have a past history of abuse to be a volcano–someone who sits silent for a long time until they rumble, and then rumble, and then kablamm! they can’t take it any more, and they let their tormentor have it. There are many people with a quiet temperament who are subtle in letting others know the others are being intrusive. These are not people with a lot of (how do I put this?) insensitive clods among their close friends. They occasionally shock a clod or two who doesn’t think such a sweet thing whom everyone loves and wouldn’t hurt a fly could tell them what lake to jump into and what rock to dive from in such exquisite detail!! Yes, well, the people who saw all the warning signs waving were happy to see it. About time…maybe when even Sweet ______ tells her she’s a nosy biddy who needs to mind her own business, she’ll finally believe it!
It is also not necessary to have a past history of trauma to not want the kind of grilling you are getting from anyone. You did not invite it, she has no right to it, there is no reason anyone with any kind of past would appreciate her nosy intrusions, and you don’t need any excuse to tell her to
bug off! She would also leave* anybody *fuming for days afterwards, because her offense is so unbelievably self-important. There are some spiritually-advanced people who could forget this kind of an incident without effort, but honestly, they are few and far between. The rest of us mere mortals marvel that you didn’t throttle her a long time ago. That doesn’t make you “less than”. It just means that for whatever reason you have an awful lot of patience.
Do the rest of us a favor. Draw your boundaries, and don’t apologize for it. It is your right, and the more people who draw the line with her, the more likely it is that lightning will strike and she’ll have a conversion. It happened to St. Paul, so you just never know! And by all means, do not chalk this up to some shortfall in yourself. Occam’s Razor says this is all on her!
As for the problem of sharing with others bringing on as much of a problem as you solve, my guess is that you admire your friends and think they are as patient and discrete as you are. You are probably an unusually patient and kind listener, and keep getting your surprises from the understandable mistake that you think they have equally high standards of friendship. That may be where you are going wrong. You may need a pastor or a professional or maybe one or two friends who are as good at this as you are for your sounding board. Try to forgive the rest for not having this as a long suit, but also try to narrow and write down your list of those you’ll trust with this kind of thing in the future. With the rest, avoid including them in your venting. That might help. It is worth a try.
Don’t kick yourself when your friends make mistakes at being friends, though. That is also par for the course, and it happens to everyone, even the “healthy” ones (whoever that is). That your friends aren’t always perfect does not mean you did a thing wrong. It just means you have humans for friends, and make your own decisions without a crystal ball. If you make mistakes, don’t beat yourself up about it. The natural consequences of the mistakes is punishment enough, don’t you think? So let that be your penance, and feel free to let yourself off the hook for any more.
I know, that is work for you. I’m not saying force yourself to do it. I mean give yourself permission to do it. OK? OK!
but it can make a huge difference. Even if you make the decision to completely cut off contact with this person, forgiving her for what she did can keep you from mulling over it to the point that your anger becomes like poison to you. I recently made the deliberate decision to forgive all the people from my past who have hurt me. I did this under the guidance of a spiritual director and spent two hours going down my list of offenders. When I was finished I had forgiven everyone from the relative who had abused me to the sister who tempts me to gossip…and I felt amazing. I would never recommend that you put yourself in a position that will be physically or psychologically harmful to you, but forgiveness can make you feel like a new person. I am now able to look back on my past as if it is actually in the past - those things don’t haunt me anymore.
With God’s help, over time, this will be resolved. God will bless me with the wisdom, grace, and a few miracles to handle the situation. I am calm, and peaceful.