You are right, I don’t often feel guilty, and when I do I suspect there is a good reason for it.
The only exception to this is that I am easily manipulated in very specific situations: when people hurt me and then make me look like I was the bad guy and that I deserved it. I then get very confused and feel guilty although I know that I am not guilty. This comes from the dysfunctional relationship with my father, I understand that well. I was conditioned to feel this way, and all of the family members are exactly the same when it comes to him. The reasoning is that he simply can’t be at fault, therefore we must be.
Any suggestions on how to develop this particular dealing with guilt?
Well, if it helps, even people who have good relationships with their dad fall for that one. Manipulative people aren’t out looking for people with a difficult past. They’re looking for anybody they can con…and because of the Fall, most of us when in the wrong will start to run a con game. It is the nature of fallen mankind…“Why did I eat the apple? Well, this woman whom you gave me, you see…” Think about that. Adam thought he could run a con on God! There are people out there for whom manipulation is their bread and butter, but there are also people who are tempted to take Adam’s tack when they have no case in their own defense. Your dad wasn’t original on that one. And, hey, if God himself has people trying to run these cons past him all of the time, obviously it is something that can happen to a good person!
I guess it helps to look at feelings not as actions, but as indicators. There is nothing to feel guilty about for feeling a feeling. It is what you do about the feeling that is in your control. I guess I’d look at this habit you and your family has not as a character flaw, but as you would if you had a physical scar, like a bad back or a trick knee. Work around it, don’t punish yourself for finding it frustrating, if you can’t do such and so without hurting, then count that as the price of such and so and proceed accordingly, and don’t spend any time in the past regretting how it got that way. Do what you can today.
Oh, and when you learn to look past people’s efforts to make you feel guilty, you still feel it. It kind of makes one mad, but unless you totally see past the pitch from the beginning, they get the hook in a little. That is not a bad reflection on you that you feel that. Your job is what you’re going to do with the feeling, not that you feel it. Figure out how to deal with it, and the feeling will decrease in intensity, most of the time. It won’t go away, but it will be a tall annoying hairy thing instead of a monster. That makes a difference, I think.
I’ll part with this: Dare to be your own authority on the topic of you. You don’t have to always be right, but you are the one entitled to an opinion. If you’re wrong, you’re the one dealing with it. If what I suggest doesn’t help you, ditch it. You can do this. You have the wisdom in there, somewhere. You’ll not finish the work in this life, but you’ll get a long ways in the right direction, I know you will. Hang in there!
