"I just want her to be happy."

[JimG]

Leonard Sax on parenting:

“As an American parent, I struggle every day against the culture of “I just want her to be happy.” Each night, I read to my ten-year-old daughter from books written by people long dead, trying to instill in her a longing for something more substantial and more lasting than Snapchat and Instagram.”

The collapse of American parenting.

 

[Beryllos]

Dr. Sax is right.

In my opinion, our society is conducting a very risky experiment with no planning or caution. The iPhone was introduced less than ten years ago, and suddenly every kid (almost) has a smartphone with few if any restrictions. The time they spend on their phones keeps them away from activities that traditionally prepared them for a happy and fulfilling adulthood. I fear this will be a lost generation.

Let us pray for our children and our future society.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, there are things just as bad as “I just want her to be happy” that “I just want her to be happy” is a reasonable answer to.

For example, there are parents who have very exacting ideas about the kind of academic, music and sports accomplishments they want their kids to have, with little regard for what the children’s actual talents and capabilities are. At the extreme end, there are parents who are unwilling to accept children’s disabilities.

There are also parents who have very precise ideas of what kind of spouse they want their adult child to bring home, and who are never are going to find that any actual live human in-law measures up to their standards. There are parents who insist that adult children pursue careers that the adult children are indifferent to or who make it much too plain how many grandchildren they want from their adult children.

Certainly, there are occasions when “I just want him/her to be happy” is an inadequate response to the situation, but a lot of times, “I just want him/her to be happy” is a reaction to parental overreach by other parents.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

Leonard Sax on parenting:

“As an American parent, I struggle every day against the culture of “I just want her to be happy.” Each night, I read to my ten-year-old daughter from books written by people long dead, trying to instill in her a longing for something more substantial and more lasting than Snapchat and Instagram.”

The collapse of American parenting.

Parents have been saying, “I just want her to be happy.” for decades now. There was a generation that dropped the ball and then a generation that never grew up.

 

[xNoOnex]

Dr. Sax is right.

In my opinion, our society is conducting a very risky experiment with no planning or caution. The iPhone was introduced less than ten years ago, and suddenly every kid (almost) has a smartphone with few if any restrictions. The time they spend on their phones keeps them away from activities that traditionally prepared them for a happy and fulfilling adulthood. I fear this will be a lost generation.

Let us pray for our children and our future society.

When I see things like this, I can’t help but feel there’s a bit of luddism and blind traditionalism going on.

When my generation was going up,everyone claimed rap music, Marilyn Manson, and violent video games would ruin a generation… But most of my peers and myself grew up to be functional adults. Meanwhile, our parents were told that rock and roll and comic books would have ruined them…

 

[xNoOnex]

Parents have been saying, “I just want her to be happy.” for decades now. There was a generation that dropped the ball and then a generation that never grew up.

What generation never grew up?

I’m 33 and sure, a lot of my peers love Star Wars, comic books, and video games… But we also do our jobs, pays our bills, and the like… You know, adult stuff.

 

[Beryllos]

When I see things like this, I can’t help but feel there’s a bit of luddism and blind traditionalism going on.

When my generation was going up,everyone claimed rap music, Marilyn Manson, and violent video games would ruin a generation… But most of my peers and myself grew up to be functional adults. Meanwhile, our parents were told that rock and roll and comic books would have ruined them…

I would guess you are not raising teenagers in the present-day culture.

 

[1990Domer]

Reading these posts, this is why I think my son was given to us. He has mild AS, and he is not interested in social media. We purchase a cell phone in case we get separated in a large area, but he doesn’t text, tweet or whatever kids do these days. He watches educational videos and loves non-fiction book. He is not a trophy child nor a fashion accessory. Just a sweet 8th grader.

 

[JimG]

What generation never grew up?

I’m 33 and sure, a lot of my peers love Star Wars, comic books, and video games… But we also do our jobs, pays our bills, and the like… You know, adult stuff.

Yes, I know a number of young people in their 30’s who love Star Wars and video games. They are also mature adults, raising their own children, working, supporting a family.

I also know some in the same age group who are still living with parents and not working by choice.

But I think that Dr. Sax’s piece was not to do with that. He was lamenting that children are being given no goals, intellectual or cultural, or religious, beyond their screens. In this way cultures die, and life becomes shallow.

 

[Beryllos]

Reading these posts, this is why I think my son was given to us. He has mild AS, and he is not interested in social media. We purchase a cell phone in case we get separated in a large area, but he doesn’t text, tweet or whatever kids do these days. He watches educational videos and loves non-fiction book. He is not a trophy child nor a fashion accessory. Just a sweet 8th grader.

That’s a blessing.

There are a lot of good kids, teens, and young adults in our families and communities, and every one of them is a reason that we may have hope for the future.

 

[Anglewannabe]

But I think that Dr. Sax’s piece was not to do with that. He was lamenting that children are being given no goals, intellectual or cultural, or religious, beyond their screens. In this way cultures die, and life becomes shallow.

That behaviour is not limited to children. A lot of adults simply want to be connected to their screens. Haven’t you ever seen two adults sitting at the same table at a restaurant not talking to each other but being on their respective cell phones?

Adults are modelling this behaviour. Why is the focus always on children being in the wrong?

 

[JimG]

That behaviour is not limited to children. A lot of adults simply want to be connected to their screens. Haven’t you ever seen two adults sitting at the same table at a restaurant not talking to each other but being on their respective cell phones?

Adults are modelling this behaviour. Why is the focus always on children being in the wrong?

You are right. Adults can’t give what they don’t have. But they may be in a position to recover better habits which they can pass on to their children. Children are born intellectually curious in many ways, one hopes we don’t let the internet kill that incipient culture.

 

[Beryllos]

I saw a glimmer of hope in an advertisement I got in the mail from Verizon Wireless. It shows a picture of two women sitting in a patio or cafe, looking at each other, having a conversation, while their two phones lie untouched on the table. This is a refreshing break from the usual advertising images of customers all gaga over their phones.

 

[ThePCWife]

Because I want my children (not just the female children) to be happy, I am pretty much killing myself health-wise to expose them to the things that would let them pursue happiness in life. I want to preserve and maintain their natural joyfulness and good cheer, as does my husband, their father. So we sacrifice massively to that end.

 

[xNoOnex]

I would guess you are not raising teenagers in the present-day culture.

No.

But the article is no different than what many “experts” parroted when I was growing up and some of the same things my parents heard when they grew up with the same simple solution for complex social problems.

Yes, I know a number of young people in their 30’s who love Star Wars and video games. They are also mature adults, raising their own children, working, supporting a family.

I also know some in the same age group who are still living with parents and not working by choice.

But I think that Dr. Sax’s piece was not to do with that. He was lamenting that children are being given no goals, intellectual or cultural, or religious, beyond their screens. In this way cultures die, and life becomes shallow.

This really isn’t anything new, though. There have always been people who lived shallow lives.

 

[Xantippe]

Because I want my children (not just the female children) to be happy, I am pretty much killing myself health-wise to expose them to the things that would let them pursue happiness in life. I want to preserve and maintain their natural joyfulness and good cheer, as does my husband, their father. So we sacrifice massively to that end.

Yeah, I think that there’s a bit of a problem here in that “happy” means such different things to different people.

It doesn’t necessarily just mean “experiencing a continual series of fleeting short-term pleasures” (which I suspect is the negative reading of “I just want her to be happy”).

The more charitable reading of “I just want her to be happy” is something like this:

“I want her to have a good life. I want her to have virtue and contentment and fulfillment, and I am not going to stand in her way by insisting on a particular formula for achieving that. I’m not going to try to make her lead a life completely of my choosing.”

For examples of what it looks like when parents try to impose a particular life formula, see either the Tiger Mom book or read CAF. Also, have a look at this:

nymag.com/thecut/2016/10/i-survived-a-tiger-mom.html

 

[Beryllos]

No.

But the article is no different than what many “experts” parroted when I was growing up and some of the same things my parents heard when they grew up with the same simple solution for complex social problems.

I see what you mean. Reminds me of a 1968 episode of Lost in Space:
Lost in Space — The Promised Planet (preview)
In this episode, the Robinsons visit a planet on which teens are mesmerized (and enslaved) by psychedelic music (sorta like the first Austin Powers movie soundtrack). The old folks were worried, and yet we made it through the 60s just fine.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Yeah, I think that there’s a bit of a problem here in that “happy” means such different things to different people.

It doesn’t necessarily just mean “experiencing a continual series of fleeting short-term pleasures” (which I suspect is the negative reading of “I just want her to be happy”).

The more charitable reading of “I just want her to be happy” is something like this:

“I want her to have a good life. I want her to have virtue and contentment and fulfillment, and I am not going to stand in her way by insisting on a particular formula for achieving that. I’m not going to try to make her lead a life completely of my choosing.”

Most studies have shown suboptimal results from both permissive parenting styles (that involve the parent wanting to be the child’s “friend” and not have any expectations of them), and authoritarian styles (that involve the parent essentially controlling their every move and harshly punishing any deviation from the rules, the Pearls and their “blanket training” would be an extreme example).

I do think that when “success” is determined by purely financial wealth and social prestige, such as parents who push their child into professions such as doctor, lawyer, engineer or some other high-prestige profession, that is not truly Christian. (I can think of a local immigrant family that does have many offspring in such positions; but I can also think of some people who went to jail due to committing fraud and other white-collar crimes, seems their version of success is not Jesus’s version. Sadly, this family is Catholic.)

I see what you mean. Reminds me of a 1968 episode of Lost in Space:
Lost in Space — The Promised Planet (preview)
In this episode, the Robinsons visit a planet on which teens are mesmerized (and enslaved) by psychedelic music (sorta like the first Austin Powers movie soundtrack). The old folks were worried, and yet we made it through the 60s just fine.

I think much of the hype about how different the Millenials are is just that, hype. And very similar to the hype about Generation X back in the 1990s. Now Gen Xers are being portrayed as responsible hard workers, not the cynical slackers they once were accused of being. (Reality Bites, anyone?) Is that also a unique characteristic of people who just happened to be born at a particular time, or does that mean that Gen Xers actually grew up and changed? Do people really think Millenials are incapable of growth?