I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong

[twoangels]

Ok I’m trying to type this again briefly. For some reason I just can’t figure how how to concisely ask this question.

Basically, I was friends with this woman, I’ll call her Bonnie, who doesn’t seem to know how to feel loved. At first I thought the Christian thing to do was to be a loyal friend. Every time she accused me of being a bad friend, of not being there for her, I was there to listen with open ears and to be committed to being there for her in the future. I kept reassuring her that I was not avoiding her. In the meantime how much Bonnie manipulated and mistreated me continued to escalate. My husband counciled me to understand that Bonnie was like a drowning woman who in panic would try to drown anyone who swam in after her to save her.

Anyway, at one point I did the right thing and told her I couldn’t give her the type of friendship she wanted and that she could expect me to be civil with her. I wouldn’t be rude to her. I’d say hello. I might even engage in small talk with her, but that was it. She tried to play a few more games with me after that to win my attention, but they all failed…until she started dating my brother. Several months had gone by since I had seen or talked to her. I felt some of my hurt was healing and meanwhile my brother was coming back to the faith seemingly due to her influence. I thought “Had I thought too low of her?” But once she had both me and my family hooked on this, my brother quickly became the bait to try to win her the attention she wanted from us.

At this point my brother barely sees the family. He has never met his neice and shows no interest in doing so. I know my family is exhausted with her. Meanwhile, I was asked if there was any authenticity to the story that I nearly let my brother’s fiance’ starve to death. Apparently my brother and his fiance’ hate me because I wasn’t even there for her when she was nearly dying of starvation.

I’m trying to hard not to care but it has me so fuming mad, because at this point I know in my heart I can’t stand her. She has hurt me and abused me so much that all the things she falsely accused me of before are true. I am avoiding her. I don’t care about her. I don’t want her marrying my brother. I don’t want her to be a part of my family. I wish I had never met her.

I feel like such a horrible person and sometimes I’m so angry I want to tell her “Look stop I was never all those things you said of me, but realize I’m no longer trying to be your friend because I can’t take this anymore.” Any time I think of an explaination it sounds horribly mean and I picture her in tears, showing it to my brother and things just getting worse. I don’t think it’d do any good. But at the same time I feel like that now that i do avoid her, I picture her looking at our entire friendship and telling herself “Indeed I was right. She never cared about me. She was always a bad friend. She’s twofaced…” basically believing every single one of her lies about me rather than facing the reality that she completely trashed our friendship.

Am I continuing to do the right thing by remaining silent? Do I owe her an explanation, an acknowledgment that our friendship has been over for over a year? I suppose I already know the answer, but I still feel so guilty about it.

 

[nodito]

I’m a big fan from simply distancing myself from drama. I wouldn’t write her a long letter, have a deep conversation with or do anything else unless at some later point something changes. If she makes you miserable, avoid her. Don’t talk badly about her with your friends or relatives. If her name comes up, change the subject. If they ask you to verify her outrageous claims, just answer something like, “That’s ridiculous. Of course I didn’t let her starve to death.” (Btw, w/o knowing more about the situation that accusation is really confusing). Maybe more time and distance is needed. Basically, I think you have to start believing that this is not an important person in your life and so she doesn’t deserve a lot of your attention and worry. I’d say the only exception is if your brother asks you honestly how you feel about his fiance, in which case you would tell him privately, lovingly, and very gently that you felt she abused your friendship and you find it difficult to trust her now. Then I’d walk away, make new friends, and sit near someone else at Thanksgiving dinners. Your family who knows and loves you will see you being mature about this and side with you if the accusations ever start again.

It sounds like your biggest hesitation with just avoiding her is that she will see it as confirmation that all her original misbeliefs about you were true. Is this really a problem? She sounds unstable and manipulatve and could probably twist any given scenario to fit her needs. You can’t help what she thinks, so let it go.

 

[Bearontherun]

Is there any way to encourage her to seek counseling/professional advice? I see from one of your previous threads that she suffers from some psychological conditions/disorders. From what I know, these are treatable and I believe that if she sought help, all of your lives could get much better.

You are all in my prayers.

 

[JRKH]

This situation sounds way to involved for any of us to try to give worthwhile insight. I would suggest that you talk to your pastor about some of this.

By what you say it appears that this woman is Catholic and that she and your brother are planning to marry. Are they in the same parish as you?? If so, you talking to the pastor might give him some good insight that he can take to their pre-cana meetings.

If not, then all you can really do is to try to work on yourself. Speak with your priest. talk over your concerns about this woman coming into the family - about your history with her and so forth. Be guided by his good council - and then pray.

I know how difficult this kind of thing can be.

Peace
James

 

[ThereWasADream]

I am a Counseling student. From my perspective, there is no way you will be able to work with someone like this. They live in a fantasy world where they are able to justify any point of view they like, so long as it defends them from the negative emotions they experience. You can’t talk to someone like that - whatever doesn’t fit into their fantasy world, they twist into something else. Even if you had the perfect approach to her, it would probably do no good. You’re not a trained counselor and she’s not going to approach you with a desire for correction.

My opinion is you’re not doing any wrong. It may take a while but you need to think of how you did the right thing every time your mind starts to drift towards this issue. That’s what I did with something that made me feel sad: I knew in my mind that I did the right thing, so when my heart complained I had my mind talk to my heart. My heart is coming around.

 

[Jesus_123]

:bible1:
(Jesus speaking)
Behold,
**I **send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves:
be ye therefore WISE as serpents,
and harmless as doves.
- Matthew 10:16

+Some years back the Lord graciously entrusted me with an assignment . . . from my agency . . . to work as a long term temporary employee for a renown doctor newly arrived in a wonderful clinic here specializing in the care of children in our city . . . as his clinical executive secretary . . .

On the first day on the job . . . I was warned that the clinic receptionist had proven to be considerably problematic in her behavior and relationships in the workplace since her hire . . . and had been reprimanded . . . more than once . . . and observing her and of necessity having to coordinate tasks with her . . . as a outsider with a clear unbiased perspective . . . I recognized that she presented as what appeared to be a clear . . . textbook **. . . case of one who might be suffering from what is called a narcissistic personality disorder . . . which disorder is essentially in its final outcome so untrustworthy and problematic as to be destructive of any and all good relationships with others . . . both for the afflicted individual and those gathered 'round about her . . . it is rather like a malignancy in the physical body which is constructed in such a way it is destructive of the health of the whole physical body hosting it . . . and if it is not practically and honestly dealt with will continually manifest itself destructively . . .

Everything you presented us with about this individual causing your family difficulty . . . including your’s and your family’s reactions, exhaustion, frustration and your final refuge in anger . . . on outward appearance appears to indicate that this individual . . . possibly . . . truly may not be living in any kind of normal healthy reality . . . on any level . . . but may actually be living a considerable distance apart from the personal ability to participate in normal healthy relationships that aren’t centered exclusively on herself . . . and your mentioning a pattern of lies on the part of the individual troubling your family is a very real symptom of something very seriously wrong within this individual . . .

All of mankind has been damaged . . . some to lesser degrees and some to greater degrees . . . by original sin . . . and now and again we encounter some souls who are so damaged and have become so unhealthy . . . that they simply are unable to interact with others in healthy constructive relationships . . . which relationships . . . *of necessity . . . in human society always must involve . . . to one degree or another *. . . the ability to prioritize and be concerned and give consideration to the concerns and needs of others . . . for their own sakes . . . as well as our own needs . . . Example: the parable of the Good Samaritan . . .

You might “google” narcissistic personality disorder on the Web . . . while I am not by any means suggesting this as a diagnosis re your past friend’s troubled actions and interactions with others . . . researching and studying such disorders can help to protect our peace of mind as innocent bystanders whose lives have been touched by theirs . . . in that we learn that certain people in our lives may not comprehend or even begin to understand what normal healthy relationships between people are all about . . . this helps God’s healthy forgiveness in our hearts to plant its holy seeds and to flourish and grow unhindered . . . and to flow out prayerfully to the afflicted souls . . . and also helps us understand why we need sometimes to separate from those who live their lives in such disordered toxic fashions that it brings inevitable harm our lives . . . and the peace of our hearts and families . . .

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Sweet Spirit of our Holy God+​

 

[Thankfulness]

She has free rent in your head. Don’t give her any more power over you by playing into her agenda. If you write, given that she’s manipulative, it’s likely only to provide more ammunition.
It’s unfortunate that she has claimed your brother, but if you cannot pull your mind and fears free you need counselling. You have control over you. You have no control over what she says or does. But you allow her a great deal of control over your mind and emotions.
If she thinks badly of you…well she does anyway. Explaining to her will only dig the hole deeper if she has a victim mentality and a ‘me’ focus. If your brother, after knowing you all these years, lacks faith in you and prefers to believe a woman who is only lately in his life, there isn’t a lot you can say.

Your husband sounds wise, first talk to him honestly and ask his advice. Tell him how you feel as rationally as possible, and run past him any intent to write a letter or any other action you might intend, and trust his advice as he is the one who has the right to your thoughts and your focus…and he was wise enough to recognize the problem before it occurred.

God bless you. My prayers for you and for your family